Am I being controlling?

[AnnieSaxophone]

DH and I have a very strained relationship and he’s been in a stormy mood with me for what feels like weeks. Glaring, not looking at me, not answering if I ask him a question (or a one word answer), snapping at me etc. There’s big argument brewing. He goes in cycles of exploding controlling and telling him what to do. My daughter is 17 and keeps asking me why I married him as she finds him very difficult, self-centred and moody. He’s also not great at allowing people to voice their opinions or any emotions - so although I’m not perfect by any stretch, I do think there’s something else going on with DH that is to do with him not me.

But I need to know if I’m being out of order as the below is an example of what I’m learning DH finds controlling:

Middle DS has SN and we take turns to do things one to one with him over the weekend. DH feels it’s always him with DS, so I make sure that isn’t the case.

On saturday I took other DS for a hair cut (I asked him if he wanted DH to take him and he said he’d prefer me because I chat to the hairdresser so he doesn’t need to, which he finds easier - he’s very shy) and then I went to the vet to collect worming tables for the dog etc - so I’d been out of the house for a couple of hours or so by the time I got home. As I walked in the door, I couldn’t see or hear anyone so I called out to middle DS to see if he wanted to do some building together (a construction toy that he loves) as DH had been with him for a while so I could take over. DH calls back from another room ‘we’re doing a puzzle’. Ok I think and start clearing up in the kitchen. DS comes in 5 mins later wanting to do some building with me. So we get down on the floor and start. I then see a whatsapp messsage from DH saying ‘we were doing a puzzle’.

DH then comes in and snaps at me that they were doing a puzzle. I asked DS which he’d rather do and DS says building, so DH then grits his teeth, shakes his head and storms out.

This morning I come downstairs (having done the battle of getting middle DS dressed upstairs before I shower) having eaten breakfast he’s watching something on the computer. DH says he needs to clean his dishes but is then sitting with him while he watches a cartoon of someone cleaning their teeth. Thinking this would be motivating for DS to clean his own teeth (my other daily morning battle!) - I say ‘shall I bring your toothbrush over and you can both clean your teeth together?’.

DH doesn’t object so I go and get his toothbrush and go to pass it to him and DH snaps ‘I said I wanted him to do his dishes. I would like a chance of getting out of this room to shower’. So I said that’s ok and turned to walk away to the toothbrush back, which DH then goes to snatch from me. Fed up of him snatching things from me when he gets like this, I asked him to please stop snatching things from me. DH snaps ‘Every Day! EVERY SINGLE DAY!’ and leaves then room.

.......... so long story short - am I being controlling? Should I have insisted DS went back to finish the puzzle with DH and also not brought up about brushing teeth?

I think I’m losing track of reality.

Absolutely not. Can you see when you read that back that your DH is very controlling? Sulking is a form of control. He's got you walking round hyper alert to doing or saying anything that might piss him off and he's actively seeking out reasons to berate you. It sounds absolutely miserable for everyone but king of the castle.

I can kind of see where you're coming from, but I think in future if your DH is doing something with your child just leave them to it. No need for you to chip in with suggestions really. When your son came to you wanting to do something other than the puzzle, rather than just starting to do something else and leaving your DH hanging - you could maybe have gone back to DH with your son and left the two of them to decide what to do together.
It sounds to me as if, with the best will in the world, you are taking over during time when your DH is already having time with your son.

'Dh says it's always him with DS'

No doubt if she had done her own thing in another room or sent Ds back to dad, that would have also been a reason for him to have a go. He's spoiling for a row, she wouldn't have won whatever she had done.

Pressed too soon! However - I think your DH is massively over-reacting and should be grown up enough to sit down quietly with you away from children and talk about this. You probably both need to somehow have a rational conversation, because on the flip side it sounds as if he's being a nasty git and affecting everyone.

I think he's probably an arse. But I'd leave him to it if he's interacting with DS. In the first example I'd have sussed out what they were doing before interjecting and making suggestions. Same for the toothbrush. Just leave them to it. Once you'd suggested the construction it's unfair to them take the offer off the table but I think you shouldn't have suggested it to the kids first.

Nothing you're doing trumps what an absolute abusive arsehole this twat is. I agree with your daughter. Why did you marry this man?

Sounds like you both need to just start communicating properly and set some boundaries without the kids, agree how you're going to parent, and then work together in front of the kids! You were wrong for taking him away from the puzzle yes, he was wrong to snatch from you yes. Never going to work unless you both work together.

I don't think you are controlling, but it sounds like you constantly undermine him. The examples you gave would really have annoyed me too if I was your DH. You seem to think you have a very reaosnable excuse each time, but what you are failing to do is consider your DH in those situations.

However with this:

My daughter is 17 and keeps asking me why I married him as she finds him very difficult, self-centred and moody.

I would seriously be asked yourself the same question. What do you think is your children's experience of living in a household where this is their perception of their parents' marriage, and what relationship dynamics are you modelling for your children.

You need to confront him and ask him what's going on.
You sound like you are a reasonable person and he should feel able to be honest and up front with you if you ask him to, so you can both sort it out and try to resolve or get to the root of this nasty attitude.

To add.. I find snatching really unpleasant and uncomfortable. For me it feels close to violent if my DH ever does it. I will not tolerate it.

It sounds like he doesn’t like you. Not sure where you go from that really.

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts - I do appreciate it and I have taken on board what you’ve said and will stop suggesting I do something with middle DS if he’s doing something with DH. And what @blackbeardsballsack said - yes this is the trouble - DH feels he does everything with DS, so I feel I’m wrong and will cause an argument whichever way.

I agree we do need to talk - but he’s been an explosion waiting to happen for weeks and I loathe confrontation and am terrified of setting of what will be a loud unrelenting rant at me about my failings and how awful I am.

But as history has proven - this will continue until he blows with a torrent of insults - I’ll tell him that unless he speaks to me in a normal voice and stops shouting I will leave the room. He doesn’t, so I leave the room, shaking with anger at my inability to be heard or considered by him. He follows me to follow up on what he would like to say. I explode and tell him I absolutely hate him and that’s he’s just mean and why can’t he just be nice or kind. He’ll be shocked and calm down and then he will talk and listen properly.

I’m just so stressed and exhausted, and I can’t quite bring myself to knowingly trigger that off by asking if we can chat / if he has anything on his mind / if I’ve upset him ....

And every time I swear to not let things bubble away and get bigger ...

My daughter is 17 and keeps asking me why I married him as she finds him very difficult, self-centred and moody.

Your DD sounds very astute.

I assume he is not her father?

@crunchymum DH is DD’s father.
Other DS also struggles and refuses to engage with him when he’s being ‘difficult’. Which then winds DH up and he says to me that DS is being a twat. 😟

Your own daughter is asking why you are with him because she is watching HIM abuse you and she can see it.

Coercive control and gaslighting infront of your kids no less. Its unlikely to stop so good luck to you.

It sounds like the whole relationship has become toxic.

There doesn't always have to be blame for one person. In your examples I think you undermined him and interrupted his time with DS. However it sounds like you are struggling with aspects of your sons behavior (teeth battle) and you see an opportunity to ease those battle and you take it, as most parents would, he takes that personally and on and on it goes.

I would imagine you telling him you hate him will be eroding his trust and confidence in you and in turn is less likely to want to be nice to you, and let things slide.

So ultimately if you want to make this work, I think you need to sit down and hash it all out use specific examples as you have here and see how he would prefer you to handle them, tell him how you would prefer he handled certain things and see if you can have better communication, you almost need to wipe the slate clean and see if you can start again and rebuild trust, love and respect toward you and also the children. If you can't then I think your doing more damage to the children by forcing them to live in such a hostile environment.

I agree we do need to talk - but he’s been an explosion waiting to happen for weeks and I loathe confrontation and am terrified of setting of what will be a loud unrelenting rant at me about my failings and how awful I am.

A talk doesn't necessarily have to be confrontational.
If you approach it from a place of concern for him, express that you want to understand if &/ why he is unhappy, do
You think he'd still fly off the handle?
Also, I listened to something fascinating the other day, a psychologist explaining how it's in built in men to respond combatively & negatively to face to face serious talks &/confrontation.
This is why it's often recommended to approach tricky topics and have serious conversations whilst walking side by side / driving etc.
And could you text him/email and ask for some alone time together as you feel you need it and have stuff to talk about? Ask him if you can go for a walk?
That way he will be prepared, often people don't like to be taken off guard and that adds to their defensive approach.

At least if you try the above... you can show and tell him that you are prepared to try and get past this.

the trouble here is that you are both set up to fail.

So in an untroubled relationship neither of your examples would matter. There would be flex around who is doing what.
But when you are looking for the worst to happen, you see it everywhere. So in your examples, instead of - OP is taking over so I can make a cup or tea and go and do something else, he sees - OP is taking over and undermining me again.

Honestly the same thing can look completely different depending on the lens you view it through.
But it is obvious that he is choosing to view the world through the lens of how hard done by he is.

I could not live with the walking on eggshells. I would be saying to him - you're spoiling for a fight, so spit it out. Which isn't actually helpful either.

You both need to learn how to talk.
But right now, he sounds horrible, awful to live with and just a nasty person

Could you go for a walk or a coffee together to talk about it? He's less likely to shout at you in public.

As a pp said, approach it from being concerned about him. Mention that you feel you always do the wrong thing and don't know what he wants.

You need to be a team but you seem to be working against each other.

I wouldn't tolerate him exploding and snatching things from you. He needs to talk to you like a grown up. Give him an opportunity to do so and see what happens?

I imagine life is very stressful for both of you. But you both need to deal with it better.

I think this is annoying from your husbands point of view: "As I walked in the door, I couldn’t see or hear anyone so I called out to middle DS to see if he wanted to do some building together". You couldn't see them so I'd have checked what they were up to first before offering an alternative activity. Some activities take ages to set up so its annoying if you've just started and kids run off to do something 'better'.

However. It's a bloody puzzle. If I'd been your husband, moaning about spending too much time with his son (?), I'd have spent thirty seconds putting it away and had a break. Its irritating at best, especially when it's all the time.

In the second scenario he was saying one thing but doing another (surely if he really wanted the dishes away that second he would be telling your son to turn the program off ) and again if someone else is offering to clean teeth then that would be fine by me.

There is absolutely no excuse for sulking, storming off, snatching, calling you names, shouting etc etc and he really needs to work on his communication before things get so bad you can't recover. Have you considered counselling?

I think you knew what you were doing when you shouted up "do you want to do some building" knowing it would take him away from whatever he was doing with his dad, and you were trying to make a point of doing your bit with him, rather than considering they might have been having a good time together.

His reaction to things is over the top, but this is what happens when frustration builds up. As others have said if he's in the middle of doing something with DS then leave them to it.

Thank you so much everyone - all food for thought and very helpful, thank you. I appreciate all your comments and will process away!

@chronictonic yes he would still explode if he’s ‘in that mood’. When he’s calm and ‘normal’ would be the time to talk to him but then I’m so relieved I don’t want to rock the boat.

@steppemum you’re right about seeing things through a different lens. Another example is when we went out for the day in the car and we were about to leave and I asked him if he’d grabbed DS’s coat or not. If he hadn’t I’d have gone back in to get it. DH got angry telling me not to tell him what to do. I couldn’t have predicted that. I feel he defaults to being critical, festers, collects faults and then verbally attacks.

I totally forgot to mention that the puzzle lives on a table in a room upstairs that’s a work in progress that they dip in and out of. So it’s out all the time and doesn’t need setting up / packing away. But that’s by the way.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick we did try counselling. He saw someone and then I went to see them separately as I didn’t feel safe enough to go together. The counsellor hugged me at the end and told me it was him (DH) not me and to take care of myself.

@whattodo1975 I think you knew what you were doing when you shouted up "do you want to do some building" knowing it would take him away from whatever he was doing with his dad ...
Yes - but it came from a good place. He’d spent 2 hours or so with him and having got home I assumed he might need a break - DS has special needs and his behaviour is more often than not very draining and DH often expresses annoyance about feeling he’s the main one with him. We both need breaks when he’s playing up. It’s very hard. But yes - from comments above I will stop making assumptions.

This is my assessment if what you are describing OP. It sounds like things in your relationship have been in a bad way for a long time. The longer things go on for the harder they are to fix.

Yes, we do this after every explosion. But it always slips back.