To be jealous of my best friend's easy pregnancy

[Fabtastic12]

I feel absolutely awful for feeling this way. In no way would I wish a difficult pregnancy on anyone. I'm pleased my friend has had a really good run of it but I also get these feelings of jealousy.

She's late 30s with first baby. She's nearly at the end and has had such an easy ride. She's felt really well with no symptoms. She carries baby really comfortably and doesn't even have a slight pregnancy waddle. Has stayed really slim. No concern health wise, baby fine on every check. She's been able to live life totally normally for the last nine months. She told me that she sleeps better in pregnancy than she did before and isn't even uncomfortable over night.

Obviously she hasn't given birth yet but as far as the pregnancy is concerned, I can't help but feel jealous of her experience. She's really been able to enjoy it which of course is lovely.

I had such a tough time with both of my children. Sickness, pain, fast heart rate, bleeding, rhesus negative complications, anxiety, reduced movements towards the end both times, worrying scans, other scares and traumatic births. I know I have my beautiful children now but I feel traumatised and almost robbed by the experiences I had.

But now I just feel like a horrible person.

You’re not horrible but you are unreasonable (you already know)
some women just waft through pg with glowing skin thick hair and a healthy glow
its ok to think it and be a bit peeved obviously don’t say owt. I’m sure you won’t

YANBU to think that. But so much if it is luck and chance.

Nothing to do with making babies is fair. Try and find a way to process your feelings about your own experiences. If she gets a unicorn baby you’ll be raging.

Her pregnancy is nothing at all to do with yours. You know that. Let it go.

I vomited, gagged and fainted my way through pg, had previously worked in substance misuse with clients who worked as escorts all their pg with no ill effects, some men paid more because they were pg

YANBU. I feel the same

YANBU to feel saddened that your pregnancies were not easy but it's pointless - comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

My son was born at 27 weeks, i felt robbed off the third trimester and hated seeing heavily pregnant women but I shook myself out of it. My son is here and wonderful.

Focus on what you do have, rather than what you wish you'd had.

YANBU to be jealous, totally normal human emotion, my sister has easy pregnancies/births and actually whined about ‘feeling too well and not pregnant enough’ (yeah seriously) when I’m type 1 diabetic and mine are stressful as hell ending in early induced babies.

Anyway. She hasn’t yet given birth - fingers crossed all will be well but in my experience easy pregnancy doesn’t mean an easy birth. So bit early to assume she ‘gets all the luck’.

I recall being that awful person who sailed through pregnancy, literally, I was still racing dinghies at 6 months, and some women were so rude. Talking about pregnancy was never my thing, too boring, but if I was asked about stuff, I was honest, sorry but I never had morning sickness, felt tired etc.. Apparently I was sort of letting the female side down!

Obviously she hasn't given birth yet but as far as the pregnancy is concerned, I can't help but feel jealous of her experience. She's really been able to enjoy it which of course is lovely.

This is a fairly horrible sentiment. I was the same as your friend, I had a lovely pregnancy which I exercised through, was thin and happy and glowing. I then had a traumatic birth involving medical negligence which left me PTSD and contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. Would something like that happening to your friend make you feel better or...?

I hope, really sincerely, your friend gets all the luck.

I think these feelings are probably quite natural and common, as long as they don’t consume you.

My BF was the same with healthy, happy pregnancies, and she also had quick, low-intervention births which she said ‘felt like bad period pain’. She also breastfed easily with all three of her children and they were all great sleepers. AND she was one of those women who was back in her size 8 jeans a few weeks after each birth.

Needless to say I was the exact opposite! Tough pregnancies, difficult births ending in c-section, struggled with feeding, struggled to lose weight and my first baby just didn’t sleep. I was a wreck for a good year after each child was born!

Life is just like that. It’s not fair. Some people lose their babies. Some can never have babies. Life can be tough and cruel. It’s absolutely OK to feel your feelings and accept them. But count your blessings, too. ❤️

Do consider that she may be putting a bit of a positive air on. I think from the outside my pregnancy looked like a breeze because I hate talking about stuff like that with anyone and will automatically say, oh yes everything's great thanks no problems at all.

In reality I was shattered, had gestational diabetes and back pain from about 28 weeks, I worked till the day before I was induced at 37.5 weeks.

I was one of these women who wafted through pregnancy glowing then was back in my pre pregnant jeans three weeks later.
I might sound smug but what most people don’t know is that I had to have five years of painful, invasive and heartbreaking fertility treatment to get pregnant.
You never know what’s going on in peoples life.

Just to give another perspective, I fell pregnant first time, mid thirties. Apart from the usual tiredness and nausea in first trimester, my pregnancy and health was a breeze. Fast forward to 36 week growth scan, we find out my baby had a major heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot. He is now a beautiful 2 year old with open heart surgery (5 months), kidney surgery (15 months) and some other worries along the way already under his belt. My point is even if a situation appears one way it doesn't mean it is or will stay that way forever. X

My best friend was like this, while I had acne, vomited every day for the full nine months both times and spent months of both pregnancies in hospital on fluids. But then I had easy births and no PND, while she tore, had to have an emergency c section with one and had brutal PND with the second. No one gets to win the whole time, or no one I know anyway. Your struggles and hers aren't the same, but she will have struggles. Don't feel resentful; what's that saying? Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about and all that.

I would not wish anything that I went through on my friend. Not at all.

I guess thinking about it, I'm feeling this way because I've recently been thinking about a 3rd child. But having gone through two terrible pregnancies and births, I feel like I'm not good enough at those things to do it again.

It's really odd but it almost feels like my friend (and others who are similar) are more of a woman and total naturals at having children. Whereas maybe I'm not.

Also my friend got pregnant the month before they were even going to start properly trying. So even conception for her (at 38) was super easy. I didn't struggle to conceive but equally it wasn't that quick and was stressful for various reasons. I'm also late 30s and I feel I like I already know I wouldn't have such an easy ride of any of it.

@Fabtastic12 do be kind to yourself don’t draw comparisons or be too harsh on yourself
I have never given birth vaginally. All CS. All emergency CS. Guess I’m not a pushing kinda gal

Having had 2 hyperemesis pregnancies, I do sort of understand your feelings.
That being said, I don't think I'd wish my pregnancies, especially my second, on my worst enemy. I pretty much missed 8 months of my daughter's life being bedridden and in hospital.

I did get a bit tetchy when people flaunted their easy pregnancies in my face though.
You can feel how you want to feel but it wouldn't be right to project those feelings onto your friend who has done absolutely nothing wrong

I understand how you feel.

I was pg the first time about 6 months ahead of my sister who was pg the first time. I had a tough time of it. Bad morning sickness, severe pelvic and back pain (I was bed ridden the last month or so) blood pressure issues etc. Then DS got stuck, came out blue with the cord wrapped around his neck and had to be rescuscitated. he has since had a number of issues which we believe firmly were connected to a loss oxygen at birth. I had requested a c-section which was refused at the time with the comment 'we'll start you off naturally and see how far you get'.

My sister had a good pg and a labour with just gas and air. When i said to her how was it she commented; 'Oh all fine. But then I made sure i prepared well'.

I am sure your friend OP is not so crass. (Hope so). But it is easy to compare and feel envious of what you think might be a dream run compared to some very real suffering you are going through. That makes you human.

I do understand where you're coming from. One of my friends is pregnant the same time as me - only 2 weeks apart- and she's had a breeze and I've had most of the negative symptoms in the book! What's nice is that she recognises that. What's harder is that she got pregnant the first month trying and I took over a year and the process sunk me into a deep depression, because we also got worrying test results.

I do deep down resent how comparatively easy it's been for her, mainly the conception, but I'm instead trying to focus on the wonderful situation that I am in - that I'm finally pregnant after wanting this for so long! If you can, try to focus on the good. You're going to be welcoming a new baby!

I don't think this signals you're not fit for pregnancy. If anything, I think my friends lack of symptoms has made her feel that she's not pregnant at all! It was reassuring to me, before I felt movements, to have these symptoms. There can be a good side. And if baby arrives safely, nothing really matters!

YANBU but remember you have healthy children and focus on that. My first baby died very late in pregnancy and my second pregnancy was a hugely anxious time as a result. I don't consider it traumatic as I had a healthy baby that time but I'm sure my experience is marred by the fact I've had a pregnancy end badly. I have felt jealous of people who had healthy babies. Count your blessings.

You're not being horrible. You're also not being unreasonable. You know you're jealous, you know it's not a great thing to be so you're doing the right things getting it all out on Mumsnet, it's annoying to see someone sail through when you had such an awful time of it. Just... don't tell her you're feeling like this. Vent away on the internet. That's what it's here for

It is easy to compare OP but be thankfully of your DC. Your friend hasn't done anything wrong.
My friend had an easy pregnancy, glowing, no sickness and two hour labour with both her DC's.
I on the other hand had awful pregnancies. First born I had itching all over my body from 30 weeks. Thought it was my liver but thankfully it wasn't. Can cause still birth.
Second pregnancy was much the same but all ok.
When I was expecting my third DC. I developed an infection. My baby boy was born at 26 weeks, he lived for a while but he died. I past on the infection to him. I ended up with septicemia and in hospital for a while. I then had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I ended having another pregnancy and developed another infection but because I was monitored all the time, it was picked up and treated. He is now a healthy 11 year old. Losing my DS to a treatable infection made me realised life is fragile and things can happen unexpectedly. Don't spend your time feeling envious.

YANBU, but.

I would give anything to go back in time and trade a shitty pregnancy, with the horrendous PND I had. I didn't even know I was pregnant until the 2nd trimester. My hair was amazing. My nails were fabulous, my bump was neat and I hardly put any weight on.

Fast forward 6 months and I'm sat covered in milk sick, sobbing my eyes out because I was convinced my baby and husband would be better off without me.

Motherhood/parenthood is a journey. Some legs of it are easier than others.

It is 100% ok to feel this way OP, it would only be unreasonable if you didn’t hide it from your friend. Who knows what lies ahead for her in her experience of motherhood but like all of us there will be ups and downs.

It's understandable. I had 3 awful horrendous pregnancies which had me bed ridden and still suffer with problems left over from them now.
I also put on a LOT of weight in pregnancy when normally I am super slim. I struggled to breastfeed every time and gave up.

However I try and think of the things that did come easy to me. I lost almost all the 4 stone plus I put on each time by 12 months with no special effort. I conceived with zero effort. I had two painful but manageable intervention free births, even though my last one was a planned csection.

So when i see women having easy pregnancies, i try to remember that i had positives too!

Now, the unicorn babies others have....that definitely makes me jealous 🙈