To be jealous of my best friend's easy pregnancy

[Fabtastic12]

I feel absolutely awful for feeling this way. In no way would I wish a difficult pregnancy on anyone. I'm pleased my friend has had a really good run of it but I also get these feelings of jealousy.

She's late 30s with first baby. She's nearly at the end and has had such an easy ride. She's felt really well with no symptoms. She carries baby really comfortably and doesn't even have a slight pregnancy waddle. Has stayed really slim. No concern health wise, baby fine on every check. She's been able to live life totally normally for the last nine months. She told me that she sleeps better in pregnancy than she did before and isn't even uncomfortable over night.

Obviously she hasn't given birth yet but as far as the pregnancy is concerned, I can't help but feel jealous of her experience. She's really been able to enjoy it which of course is lovely.

I had such a tough time with both of my children. Sickness, pain, fast heart rate, bleeding, rhesus negative complications, anxiety, reduced movements towards the end both times, worrying scans, other scares and traumatic births. I know I have my beautiful children now but I feel traumatised and almost robbed by the experiences I had.

But now I just feel like a horrible person.

I had an incredibly easy pregnancy. I then had an awful birth, a none sleeping baby with colic and reflux and subsequent PND. I was so envious of friends who sailed through birth the newborn stage…and I’m sure they were envious of the fact I worked until 39 weeks and easily walked 5 miles 24 hours before having DS. I’m not sure anyone gets all luck, because that’s all it is really.

@rampila you're absolutely right. It is helpful being able to pour it out on mn. I would never say anything of the way I feel to my friend. I'm really supportive of her and take an interest in her pregnancy. I'm actually a lot more positive and encouraging towards her than I was to myself. I can be very hard on myself.

I should really tell myself that I'm a warrior for going through all the shit stuff in my pregnancies and births and that my children, plus my mental and physical scares are my badges of honour. It's just not always that easy to do.

I think it's understandable. It's not that you want your friend to have problems, more that you wish you'd had pregnancies like hers. That's just being human, surely. Yes, you already knew yours were harder than average, but watching her brings it home to you. Probably a good idea to try not to dwell on it, but I don't think it makes you a horrible person.

@Blablablanamechangagain I'm sorry you went through pnd.

As well as difficult pregnancies and births, I also had pre natal anxiety, then post natal anxiety and depression. I wish I'd found at least one stage of the whole experience ok.

I am jealous of every pregnancy that doesn’t end in a miscarriage, TFMR or stillbirth…

You’re lucky to have been and stayed pregnant, honestly!

She may not be. Some people just do have very easy pregnancies. I’ve had 4 and they’ve all been fine. No issues. Never gained much, never had sickness, never struggled to get comfortable or to walk. It’s not the same for everyone.
It’s as though we can’t discuss our good pregnancies without people assume we’re lying or putting a front on.

YANBU. Pregnancy can be really hard and you're not unreasonable to have these thoughts, privately. We're human, we can't help comparing ourselves. You just have to ultimately accept life's not fair and move on.

OP you should watch the movie What to Expect When You’re Expecting - might cheer you up to have a comedic take on your situation :)

Some people generally look on the bright side and will be more positive about their experiences, whereas others can have the same experience and find a lot of negatives so it doesn’t always represent their lived experience, it’s all perspective.

I had surgery to remove endometriosis and hopefully preserve my fertility a couple of years ago. I was lucky to get pregnant quite soon after getting married, as we were conscious that my fertility would be deteriorating. A lot of people won’t know that I was in a lot of pain for over 10 years, and had surgery and invasive treatments before getting pregnant. They might think it all happened really quickly for us. Because I feel so lucky, I don’t complain much about symptoms, if someone asks me outright I’ll say that I’ve had sickness all the way through but it’s not the kind of thing I complain about.

Its just maybe worth mentioning as the way you have described your friend - you could be describing me.

I wasn't sick once through two pregnancies but my friend vomited multiple times a day up until 7 months gone. I assume she was envious about my experience in that regard just as I was about her massive milk production when I gave out 2 drop every 20 minutes. It's normal.

I was ad sick as a dog. It was hell for 9 months each time. Births weren't easy either. All 3 good sleepers. I didn't find the newborn stage difficult at all.

Honestly I think so much of it is down to luck/ hormones/ and the way you experience it emotionally.

I had a horrendous pregnancy, all day morning sickness that meant i could barely keep down water. Pgp that left me barely able to walk by the end of it, diabetes and wasn't able to have the type of birth I wanted infact I ended up with the opposite. I honestly think my saving grace in a roundabout way was that we had a number of big scares at the beginning to the point I was convinced the pregnancy wouldn't go to term because then when I was sick and felt like crap I was able to remind myself that it was a sign the pregnancy was progressing, that the hormones were strong and that my body was doing what it should be doing in growing baby. A friend recently commented on what an easy pregnancy I had compared to her but honestly I think it was just as hard if not harder physically but mentally I think I managed better because of the tough start.

You're not being unreasonable to feel what you're feeling, your experience is valid and it's understandable that you found it tough but it's simply how different bodies react. I think it makes to a rockstar to have had such a tough time and still be mothering your lovely kids because you were strong enough to get through it. That's something to be proud of. Plus I always think you never know what's going on behind closed doors, she might be struggling behind the scenes or find the jump to motherhood a challenge who knows, comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

I agree focus on the positive count your blessings and think of the many many women who long to be pregnant but aren't.

I had 3 very happy comfortable pregnancies. A 'friend' said she'd never thought I was the maternal type anyway.

I understand why you feel this way, but it's not a good way to feel. Comparison is the thief of joy.

I have had a very easy pregnancy, sounds very similar to your friend's. But it took me years and an incredible amount of heartbreak/money to get pregnant.

You don't say, but perhaps you got pregnant easily? In which case I would and have felt the same about people like you.

I'm sorry your experience of pregnancy wasn't good, but try to focus on how you are so lucky to have children.

I don’t blame you. I’m jealous of my first pregnancy 10 years ago compare to the one I’m going through now! How I wish I had no symptoms, I had no issues sleeping - nothing. This time round I have all the symptoms - but fortunately a healthy baby to date.

You have to remember you have healthy babies. Pregnancy isn’t meant to be easy and there isn’t that much you can do apart from making yourself comfortable and getting the help that you can.

Thank God pregnancy is just 9 months and not longer - and you can use you energy to make sure no one robs you from the time you have with your children.