Hes cheated .. no one to talk to

[00621644B]

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This is long , please bear with me and please be kind . Trust me when I say I am not a perfect person by any stretch but I have done nothing to cause or deserve the situation I am in .

I don't have anyone IRL I can talk to so getting it down somewhere might help .

I met my husband young was with him along time and had a family with him. He was physically abusive on and off through the relationship, he was a heavy drinker and sometimes did Coke when he drank. He was older than me . We split up after he tried to kill me one night (I posted about it here under an old username) I filed for divorce (I wanted to take the control back I guess) that was 5 years ago and he now has no contact with our children who are aged 10-17 . His choice . I haven't stopped contact he pays maintenance every week but that's it for his input. Children don't mention him much or ask about him. I was a SAHM through our marriage.

Growing up i had no dad around, my mum raised me on her own. She never had boyfriends or men around when I was growing up. She lives alone now and is a pensioner.

After divorce I stayed in the family home private rented in both names. He came off the tenancy and it went in my name only. I went to work to support us all topped up by UC .

Never had a big circle of friends but a year after we split I started seeing a man I had known as a friend for q couple of years. I knew some of the same people and was a good friend of his brothers .

Along while after we did park meets with the kids they all liked him, he liked them , we all spent alot of time together.

After 18 months he broke it off with me , missed being single, wanted to move somewhere else in the country and didn't think it was right I move my kids. He never did move. We remained friends and bumped into each other now and then socially. He eventually told me he had cheated on me when we were together. Several times . ONS, hook up sites.

I was devastated. He refused to get back together with me. Truth is I was lonely, I loved him, missed him, the kids missed him and doing stuff which involved him although obviously I did things with them. Their dad wasn't there and they built a bond with this person. Seeing them upset hurt me so much and I felt so guilty . He said he wanted time to sort himself out and be sure he could treat me right. He was adamant he loved me and them though and wanted us in his life.

December 2021 he asked me to give it another go which I agreed to and he began to stay at my house more and us live together properly. He re located his job to be near me And changed his work hours so he could do his turn with school pick ups drop offs etc. This was his idea and showed he was really treating it seriously second time around.

Last October I went on holiday with my children abroad. He didn't have any holiday left at work so didn't come and we planned to have a holiday this year all of us. While I was gone he went out with some friends. He took cocaine and he had sex with a prostitute. She was with him for several hours. I found out confronted him and he left . Said it was better he got out of our lives and left us alone. A day later he apologised Said he had alot of addictions and wanted help and would I give him another chance and he would seek professional counselling.

Long story short now as it is in March he's not arranged counselling. He looked up some providers but that's as far as it went. I confronted him in November. He has his own house that he rents out to a family member but has the option of staying rhee on the sofa sometimes if he's in that area and that's where all this happened. He said if he had been drinking he wouldn't stay there until he could be sure he wouldn't do it again.

Mid December he stayed there but his brother and my 17 Yr old son were there too. He felt this was proof he could be trusted to be there. He was messaging someone on adult work that night after signing up to it.

Boxing day he stayed there after football again with my son there and he joined babestation and was on cam to someone. Thankfully son was asleep and doesn't know.

Then in Feb he went away for the weekend with friends. Heavy drinking and coke again and at 5am he went to a sex worker and spent 400 with her.

His search history shows pages and pages of escort searches for rhe area he was away in. His phone had screenshot of the PayPal payments to the girl. He doesn't know I know.

Valentines we went out and he posted a photo on his socials. A friend of mine saw it (only friend I told about what he did on holiday) and she commented it was about time he treated me properly. He was annoyed about this but admitted shes right what she says about him. He was worried his mates or family might have seen. He sent a meszage privately back to her when we went home. I went to bed as he wouldn't stop shouting at me that she's a slag and he then sat up all night taking coke (my kids weren't at home) by morning she had deleted and blocked me everywhere and sent an email saying our friendships over. He's scum and she's done with it. I have lost my only friend now. She's literally the only person I went out with socially for a coffee or concert . My kids used to like going round her house . She admitted in the message hes the reason she's made excuses not to come round my house for the past year (we always meet out socially somewhere)

I know her. She means it and theres no recovering from this now . Our friendships finished. I am so sad. The first thing he did on hearing this bearing in mind its because she knows about his cheating. He was googling escort girls. Reason I know is his Google searches sync to the ipad. He doesn't have a clue that I know.

I am just so unhappy. This happened on the Sunday. On the Monday I was due to start a new job. He said I had two choices he either left that day or he stayed and helped me with childcare through the year then was leaving. I start work at 5.30am and don't finish tol 7.30pm. Its a very well paid role which I was headhunted for and is only 3 days a week but he knows I need him on board for school drop offs and the kids. He knows this !!!

I can't talk to my mum about this. I can't risk her telling my older son. He spends tome with this man and mutual people every week at football and darts. He can't know about this. I literally have no one to talk to . Not a soul.

I have been ill on bed rest with flu last week which has turned into pneumonia and had time alone to think about it all. I feel lonely sad sick and scared . Whatever I do is going to hurt someone. Either my children if I end it. Or me .

I feel sick everytime he goes out. Tonight he's off out with a friend which will involve him doing coke. I am trying to distract myself with resting and watching netflix while I get myself better
I have been in serious pain with my chest.

Please please be kind if u have got this far . Thanks

First things first. If he's doing coke around your eldest, who is still only 17, this opens a whole can of worms that could end up involving social services.
Next: he's having sex with prostitutes. The betrayal and money aside, he is endangering your health by his choices. I strongly suggest that you get tested for STDs and other sexually transmitted diseases, including Hepatitis. You might also have to take a HIV test, but your GP can advise on that, as it's not something to undertake lightly.

As to your friend: I imagine she is feeling hurt and betrayed. She haa been honest aa to why she was avoiding your house, and her reasons for ending the friendship. Having been in a similar situation (friend's exh was a drunk who always got handsy) she will probably come back if you ditch him.

Now the main issue. You need to see if your mother can help with school drop off and pick up for the 3 days. Then kick him out. You say your son has bonded with this man - but would you be happy if you thought your son was treating a woman the way you are being treated? If you stay with him, this is what your son will learn; and once he reaches 18, I really doubt the porn, coke and prostitutes will stay hidden for long - if they really are now.

Please, please contact Womens Aid and other support charities to help you get free of him. I know you love him but he really doesn't love or respect you if he's behaving in this way.

This is probably a lot of things you already know in your heart, please act on it, for your sake, and also the children.

OP yu have a pattern of abusive relationships clearly.

You need to leave this man ASAP. For you and your children. Noone will lose. And then you need to get some therapy for yourself.

And you don't need him. Yu can hire a babysitter or seek to change your hours. You do absolutely not need this waste of space in your life in any capacity.

You can and should hire a childminder for your children. You should kick this waste of space out and you should never think about him again. You should consider telling your son the reasons why so he understands and he cuts contact. You should also tell your friend and all her to forgive you for not listening to her. Maybe consider telling your mum. You basically need other people to know so it strengthens your resolve and he's out of your life.

Talking of life, you have said you're considering ending yours. Do not think for a moment this will help anyone and certainly not your kids. Please speak to the Samaritans. They are very good at what they do and they are not just there for people with a rope around their neck. Call before you get there. Also consider speaking to your GP as I think you might benefit from counselling and certainly sound like you need some support in the short term.

Above all, keep yourself safe and your children safe.

After ensuring that, kick him out and have no further contact with him ever. You'll never be happy with him.

That's an awfully long post for something that can be summed up in a couple of sentences: I'm in a relationship with a cheating, lying, drug addict. Please help me to end it with him ASAP.

You seriously need to end this. What joy does he bring to your life? He clearly has no respect for you and he is a dreadful role model for your kids. Do you want them to think this is normal and start behaving like that?

Please - kick him out. Why would you even have him back after the first time he cheated on you?
and please - keep your son away from him. Not a good role model

I don’t think anyone could read your post without telling you that you must kick this awful, awful person out.

I know you worry about the drop offs and your children feelings, but believe me these are small fry to the bigger picture of him abusing you.

Perhaps if you directly ask for help on how to get rid of him, and these other problems you have, you will get the support and advice you need to improve your life.

There are so many women who will have been where you are now, you need to listen to them and take action.

I know it is hard and I am divorcing someone who has emotionally abused me. I find it difficult even now to do anything that I think he won’t like.

Will read through properly
To answer a couple of things
My mum cannot do any childcare like that. She lives 20 miles away qnd doesn't drive , she is also disabled and struggles walking. It's totally out of the question.

Babysitter wise wrap around with the school the hours don't fit. I have q babysitter who can collect them qnd stay with them until I am home. Its the morning drop off which is impossible. I leave home and have to be on a bus at 5.30am there is no childcare open or available at that time. None. That's the issue. My eldest son is an apprentice qnd works. He leaves home himself at 6am for work so asking him to drop off to breakfast club is out the question. I cannot start later I work in a medical capacity with clinical appts which start early . Before that I a min wage bar job and most months was in debt struggling to pay bills .

@00621644B have you advertised for childcare on Facebook and the like? I'd be surprised if there wasn't someone local who wanted some cash. Or is there something near where you work?

Another thought is speaking to your exfriend and saying you want to leave him finally but the childcare is the problem and asking if she knows anyone. If you're lucky she might help in order to help get rid of the live in loser.

My ex friend has blocked and deleted me everywhere and made it crystal clear she wants nothing to do with me. The friendship is over. I know her. I know she means this. She has cut other friends off over other things. There's no salvaging this with her. I have accepted that

I am on bed rest at the min . Today he's been to the gym, then we went for a coffee (he invited his friend alonf) then he went to get his hair cut , now he's on the phone to a mate catching up, another friend is coming over shortly then they are off to the pub , drugs on order.. literally been no time for me..none at all. Its all about him planning his 5k race, a race next year . The fitness was to keep him on the straight and narrow drink and drug and going out wise. So there's that but the rest of the week he's at work. Friday he said we would go yo the cinema now he's realised he's booked the gym with his personal trainer so he's double booked me basically. Saturday he's going to football. I feel completely neglected like I am having to fight for some attention just for me. I could cry I really could

OP, really, please, see a therapist. This is so disfunctional. Instead of taking note of all the people saying that you need to leave this abuse drug addict you are moaning he is not giving you enough attention? That is NOT the issue in this relaionship.

Honestly, if I was your friend, I would probably have given up on you too. There's only so much dead horse flogging you can do before you have to retreat for your own sake.

The only way you'll ever find happiness is if you first learn to love yourself. Kindly, you are not respecting yourself at all, therefore no one else is ever going to respect you.

Please, listen to people on here, listen to what you already know. Leave this piece of shit.

I can never understand why people set the bar this low. You are worth so much more. He doesnt give a shit about you. And in the meantime, whilst he doing all this, you are still making comments about wanting attention from him? Why the hell would you want that anywhere near you!!

You are all correct I do need counselling. I had it for 18 months after my marriage ended. I could afford it after that. This job pays well so will allow me to fund sessions again. I need work around co dependency, trauma trauma bonds . And to do the freedom project . I have both books women who love too much qnd co dependant no more by Melody beatty .

With my friend she's not someone I spoke to much about what's been going on. I am a private person I discussed it with her in November but nothing since then and it was probably 10 mins of chat in a whole morning together over coffee and lunch .

Practically qnd emotionally anyone who left a cheater , especially someone who cheated with prostitutes. What helped you to heal , in the immediate to practice self care and look after yourself. This is important to me at the moment now while I feel fragile unwell and low. I realise I am seeking comfort from the very person hurting me which is not healthy or normal. I know that. I appreciate the time people have taken to reply I really do. It means alot

This oast week him and my mum are the only people I have spoken to, I don't have any friends . My phone literally never rings. Never pings with a message . I am being really honest now I am scared of having absolutely no one. No one to talk to share a coffee out with make plans with. I know I have to get away from him. I know I do. I spent alot of time alone as a kid growing up. My marriage I was abused and isolated. I fear being alone and abandonment. I know therepy more of it intensely for a long time and to stay single is needed. It's vital it's nessesary. Of course I wouldn't want my sons to be like this. I would want to physically kill anyone who did this to my daughter. I am not a stupid person. I am an intelligent educated woman who's been through so so much. Fear of loneliness is basically keeping me in a mental prison of my own making really

Are there any local groups that you could get to which could trigger a friendship? Crafts, hobbies, even online places to meet friends? Some good solid friendships would help you during this time. Family? Neighbours who you could confide in?

And whose fault is that? He literally drove away your last friend. It's him. He is the issue. Leave, and focus on building a support network.

Surely you know exactly what you need to do?

You have brought a drug addict into your children's lives who cheats on you, pays (probably extremely vulnerable women) for sex, brings drugs into your home, abuses your friends so that they now want no involvement with you...and you are staying with him because your kids will be sad if he goes?? And because you need this drug addict to provide childcare for you?

Unfortunately if you cannot get to your workplace without relying on this particular individual then it's not a viable job opportunity. If it's a well paid job then presumably you have decent qualifications. There must be other opportunities available to you, even if not so well paid, that would mean you don't require his support. You need to find one. It's as simple as that really. You cannot possibly think that somebody like this is an appropriate person to have contact with your children, let alone be responsible for them. I'm absolutely amazed that you would allow your teenager to stay overnight with him at a flat where you know he abuses drugs and uses sex workers, either via cam or in person. This is absolutely insane.

It is staggering that you took this man back into your family/home, he continued to disrespect you, yet he's still there. Even if you have to turn down your new job, go on to benefits, you cannot have this man in your life. What are you teaching your children? What is it doing to your self esteem? How can you ever relax knowing he's out doing drugs and whoring about? Do you have a monthly appointment at the GUM clinic, or does that not bother you. You are acting like an absolute doormat, although there must be a lot to you as you were headhunted.

OP. You will make new friends when you kick him out. You won't while he is there and he is doing neither you nor your children any good.

As for the friend that has blocked you, do they have a door you can knock on? If they really won't help out then as I say, look on Facebook or om your local paper to see who is looking for work that can bridge that gap or even speak to your workplace and see if they have any ideas as to childcare as you're not the first person in the world who has had issues.

But please look to get away from him. Its not healthy. Its your life though and whether you do or don't wont affect my life at all, but it will affect yours and your children's. For all you know your eldest is just putting on a brave face for your sake and he hates the guy.

I know my son well enough to know this isn't a brave face pretend to like him thing. That's why I am trying to work out very carefully the best course of action and why u haven't Said a word to my mum. She will tell him. Even if she's asked not to. Given the gravity of the situation she will tell him. She's one of those people who repeats anything said to her by anyone. I am serious about that. And which is adding to me feeling so isolated. She's quite toxic and won't be able to help herself drip feeding it all back . She doesn't respect privacy or boundaries like that.

The Facebook group I will look at . There's a page I belong to already to find a nanny in (insert part of the country I am from) don't want to be outing. Its the time I have to leave which is proving difficult to work round. Kids go tonschool 5 min walk from my house. I work a bus and 2 trains away over the other side of the city so childcare near to my work is out the question. It's still practically the middle of the night when my alarm goes off . I am not in the earning bracket of an pairs or live in childcare that's for sure. Job pays well but not that well.
And yes I do have something about me. As I say I am far from perfect but I don't cheat or hurt people. I am professional at work I work hard I love my family

Does your ex-friend know he takes drugs?

If I was you, I would be concerned about being reported to Social Services for having a man like this around my children. I'd want to be seen to get him out before having to be told to do it officially.

Get rid of him quickly, and forever.

I would move heaven and earth to find a childcare option for 5-8am. Getting that right will help you kicking out that lowlife, getting a better career etc. He needs to be kept 100 miles away from your kids.