Hes cheated .. no one to talk to

[00621644B]

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This is long , please bear with me and please be kind . Trust me when I say I am not a perfect person by any stretch but I have done nothing to cause or deserve the situation I am in .

I don't have anyone IRL I can talk to so getting it down somewhere might help .

I met my husband young was with him along time and had a family with him. He was physically abusive on and off through the relationship, he was a heavy drinker and sometimes did Coke when he drank. He was older than me . We split up after he tried to kill me one night (I posted about it here under an old username) I filed for divorce (I wanted to take the control back I guess) that was 5 years ago and he now has no contact with our children who are aged 10-17 . His choice . I haven't stopped contact he pays maintenance every week but that's it for his input. Children don't mention him much or ask about him. I was a SAHM through our marriage.

Growing up i had no dad around, my mum raised me on her own. She never had boyfriends or men around when I was growing up. She lives alone now and is a pensioner.

After divorce I stayed in the family home private rented in both names. He came off the tenancy and it went in my name only. I went to work to support us all topped up by UC .

Never had a big circle of friends but a year after we split I started seeing a man I had known as a friend for q couple of years. I knew some of the same people and was a good friend of his brothers .

Along while after we did park meets with the kids they all liked him, he liked them , we all spent alot of time together.

After 18 months he broke it off with me , missed being single, wanted to move somewhere else in the country and didn't think it was right I move my kids. He never did move. We remained friends and bumped into each other now and then socially. He eventually told me he had cheated on me when we were together. Several times . ONS, hook up sites.

I was devastated. He refused to get back together with me. Truth is I was lonely, I loved him, missed him, the kids missed him and doing stuff which involved him although obviously I did things with them. Their dad wasn't there and they built a bond with this person. Seeing them upset hurt me so much and I felt so guilty . He said he wanted time to sort himself out and be sure he could treat me right. He was adamant he loved me and them though and wanted us in his life.

December 2021 he asked me to give it another go which I agreed to and he began to stay at my house more and us live together properly. He re located his job to be near me And changed his work hours so he could do his turn with school pick ups drop offs etc. This was his idea and showed he was really treating it seriously second time around.

Last October I went on holiday with my children abroad. He didn't have any holiday left at work so didn't come and we planned to have a holiday this year all of us. While I was gone he went out with some friends. He took cocaine and he had sex with a prostitute. She was with him for several hours. I found out confronted him and he left . Said it was better he got out of our lives and left us alone. A day later he apologised Said he had alot of addictions and wanted help and would I give him another chance and he would seek professional counselling.

Long story short now as it is in March he's not arranged counselling. He looked up some providers but that's as far as it went. I confronted him in November. He has his own house that he rents out to a family member but has the option of staying rhee on the sofa sometimes if he's in that area and that's where all this happened. He said if he had been drinking he wouldn't stay there until he could be sure he wouldn't do it again.

Mid December he stayed there but his brother and my 17 Yr old son were there too. He felt this was proof he could be trusted to be there. He was messaging someone on adult work that night after signing up to it.

Boxing day he stayed there after football again with my son there and he joined babestation and was on cam to someone. Thankfully son was asleep and doesn't know.

Then in Feb he went away for the weekend with friends. Heavy drinking and coke again and at 5am he went to a sex worker and spent 400 with her.

His search history shows pages and pages of escort searches for rhe area he was away in. His phone had screenshot of the PayPal payments to the girl. He doesn't know I know.

Valentines we went out and he posted a photo on his socials. A friend of mine saw it (only friend I told about what he did on holiday) and she commented it was about time he treated me properly. He was annoyed about this but admitted shes right what she says about him. He was worried his mates or family might have seen. He sent a meszage privately back to her when we went home. I went to bed as he wouldn't stop shouting at me that she's a slag and he then sat up all night taking coke (my kids weren't at home) by morning she had deleted and blocked me everywhere and sent an email saying our friendships over. He's scum and she's done with it. I have lost my only friend now. She's literally the only person I went out with socially for a coffee or concert . My kids used to like going round her house . She admitted in the message hes the reason she's made excuses not to come round my house for the past year (we always meet out socially somewhere)

I know her. She means it and theres no recovering from this now . Our friendships finished. I am so sad. The first thing he did on hearing this bearing in mind its because she knows about his cheating. He was googling escort girls. Reason I know is his Google searches sync to the ipad. He doesn't have a clue that I know.

I am just so unhappy. This happened on the Sunday. On the Monday I was due to start a new job. He said I had two choices he either left that day or he stayed and helped me with childcare through the year then was leaving. I start work at 5.30am and don't finish tol 7.30pm. Its a very well paid role which I was headhunted for and is only 3 days a week but he knows I need him on board for school drop offs and the kids. He knows this !!!

I can't talk to my mum about this. I can't risk her telling my older son. He spends tome with this man and mutual people every week at football and darts. He can't know about this. I literally have no one to talk to . Not a soul.

I have been ill on bed rest with flu last week which has turned into pneumonia and had time alone to think about it all. I feel lonely sad sick and scared . Whatever I do is going to hurt someone. Either my children if I end it. Or me .

I feel sick everytime he goes out. Tonight he's off out with a friend which will involve him doing coke. I am trying to distract myself with resting and watching netflix while I get myself better
I have been in serious pain with my chest.

Please please be kind if u have got this far . Thanks

Yes she is aware , wasn't discussed a great deal with her as she sadly lost a very close family member to drug addiction , albeit a different class a drug, so she's very anti drugs which anyone would be .

I have taken cocaine myself however I should be clear I didn't and don't like how it makes me feel. Makes my depression worse and effected my sleep and I feel incredibly guilty doing it as a mother. So I stopped . I stopped doing it and I started to go to NA / CA meetings in my area to speak to others and try and gain some support that way . As I say I am not perfect. Far from it but I am at least doing alot to be a decent person and taking steps for myself I really really am. Obviously no one has a clue about that other than him.what happens in the meetings is private . Also not down to me to get him to stop an addict had to want to themselves. I have kids to look after as well as myself. Don't need to be looking after him too. I have however encouraged him in gym and fitness as it has really cut down the amount he drinks or takes coke. He still does it but its less often . Bottom line is I am tired of it all and don't want it less often. I want it not at all now

Hi OP...do you have a good boss/employer? It might be worth talking to them really honestly and explaining your situation. They might be able to help you with some paid leave so that you can sort out childcare/finances. Maybe there's even a WFH job you can do temporarily while you sort things out. If you tell them what you've written here, who knows what help might be available?

Please get rid of this man from your life completely. Chuck him out and block him. He only brings toxicity to yours and your children’s lives. No-one on earth deserves to be treated the way he has treated you. Surely you are better single than with him. Spend the next year working on yourself, meeting new people and making friends. You deserve so so much better than this.

Then you do need to get rid of him because if your friend is that anti-drugs and hates him that much, and now not loyal to you, she might report you.

Lots of good advice here OP. My heart breaks for you. I get so angry reading these posts where women are treated so badly! You can do so much better, you are worth so much more than a lying, manipulative sex addict.

Self care and self love. How do people practice that. Getting ur self esteem qnd self respect to a place where u believe your worth more. I have lost sight of how to do it. I don't don't know where to begin. The world feels a lonely place. He's really my only social outlet

Hes came back from the pub at 11 he's still up downstairs doing coke now

I’ve typed out a reply a dozen times and deleted it.

growing up you could have been my mum and your fucked up bf was my mums bf.

for the love of god either give your children to DCFS or leave him.

you are toxic, selfish, self-centred and hurting your children and you don’t care. All you care about laying on your back and making him happy.

you are not the victim that you make out too be. Your defenceless children are the victims in this

i honestly hope to god someone recognises you from this post and reports you to the police, welfare and take your children before your fuck up parenting ruins their lives any more than you already have

someone needs to tell you how it is. Your friend did the best thing. She saw your true colours

Op, your situation is very unhealthy. I've been through similar, i was cheated on with prostitutes and it is very difficult to recover from.
What helped me in the end was to realise i didn't want these dark disgusting things to be MY story. They are his choices and his story. Not mine.

You are doing well job wise. Focus on that. Dont worry about loneliness and practicalities. You will find friends later when you feel better and try keeping eyes open for childcare options.

Looking after yourself starts with small things. Buy the lunch You want, spend your day off in bed if You want. Small steps..

I have to say I agree with @TheAustralian there is a lot of 'wow is me' but the way you speak about his drug use in your home so casually, like it's nothing more than having a cup of tea is shocking.

It makes for such horrible reading, I don't care how worn down you feel, you seriously come across as not giving a toss about your kids in all of this.

You are delusional if you think they don't pick up on these things and down right neglectful if you let it continue.

Your need for a man, any man, is so great you will welcome this scumbag into your home at the expense of your own children. Grim.

You need to take action immediately and sort this out.

The only advice you need ls to get away from this man. He is never going to change. You have done it before with your husband and you can do it again. You will always be stronger than you think.

You aren’t happy and he is treating you like shit. This is not a good place for your kids. They are your priority and at their ages they will know more than you realise ( I’ve been there as a kid!) I would not want him anywhere near a 17 impressionable teen.

Even if you can’t do it for yourself do it for them. Also see a doctor for STD checks. The friend will probably be there for you without that horrid excuse of a man anywhere near you. She’s probably frustrated and angry that you are in this situation with that piece of shit.

How old are your kids?

This.

Take care.

After reading your replies it seems you don’t want him to leave you. You want his attention. You must see how toxic this is for your children. Forget your wants. Forget debt and money. Those children should be the priority and this is not the way to bring them up. It will be impacting them and it will be a vicious circle in their adulthood too. You are their role model.

You have don’t have a partner you have a room mate doing the fuck he wants, when he wants. Doing drugs in the home where your children are, it’s messed up. You obviously have issues with relationships and a certain type of man. so probably should have counselling and therapeutic support.

This is the harsh truth you need to hear. it may be your past experiences have resulted in your current relationship/ attachment issues, but you are facilitating and complicit in your DC's harm by living like this and letting him into their lives. Seriously if you cannot cope without relying on this kind of person why don't you contact children's social care and ask them to look after your children whilst you work on self love, breaking the cycle and all the rest of it. how can you do all that, hold down a job and be there for your children? you cannot. if someone reported you it sounds likely your children could be removed. that means to safeguard and protect them they should not be in your care right now. it's not to punish you but it would be because it is the best thing for your children. you are not thinking about them. this is all about how you are emotionally not coping and not in a good place. please put your children first snd let someone else give them the care and stability they need whilst you have time and space to sort yourself out.

You are unlikely to keep any friends (or meet them) while in a relationship with him.
He's not going to change.
You're unhappy and your kids might seem happy but their future well being and happiness is at risk once they know the real him.

You need to separate. As others have said, find a local babysitter. Lots of people need additional income right now.
Line this up
Then kick him out
When you are ready, start joining things where you might make friends. Think about park run etc.

My ex was the same - prostitutes & drugs. He was also abusive in the last year.
He is the father to my 3 children. I understand the cycle you are going through. It can be very hard to get out. But you must.

I was so scared of leaving and then feeling even lower than I already did. Before I left I felt like I was worthless, I had next to no self esteem and had little hope for the future. I was scared that by leaving I would fall even further into darkness.

When I left this first few months were quite difficult. However, there was relief there a lot of the time. Then happiness started creeping back too. The mixture of happiness and relief was such a nice feeling. Relief that I didn’t have to worry where he was/ what he was doing/ was he cheating? It just didn’t matter and that was just such blissful feeling.

Please leave. Start counselling . You will never be able to regain your self esteem in this relationship. Your kids possibly suspect he’s not treating you well. Even if they don’t it’s just a matter of time.

Im 3 years out. No plans to
meet someone else. I’m not lonely. I just look after myself, treat myself kindly. Live in a very peaceful house with my kids. I get a wonderful sleep every night. My worries are practically gone. I’m regaining my self esteem. It’s such an amazing
feeling. I wish I had left years earlier.

I wish you the best on the journey you are on. I really hope you are able to leave and regain your happiness and self
esteem.

Oh poor you my heart breaks for you. First things first, ask him to leave, change the locks. Explain childcare issues to work. See if you can get a nanny or babysitter for the early mornings. You must put yourself and DC first.

@00621644B so you admit you have your own unhealthy relationship with cocaine and drugs and attend NA. Get a sponsor and work with them to build friendships

I attend AA and have met so many wonderful people and built up a support system. Also refer yourself to your local drug and alcohol service.

You’ve got this but now need to be brave and kick him out. Co-depending on each other is unhelpful and addicts are selfish so do this before your kids are removed from your care.

Also he will get your son on coke and seeing prostitutes too, trust me and then how would you feel?

Remember “god grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”

look into au pairs. Cheaper, live in option.

Or contact a uni who offer social work, teaching and offer free accommodation in exchange for morning school run.

Or move closer to your work?

you need to live without a man in your life and instead work on yourself

It might be worth advertising locally. There might be an older local woman who would enjoy this

Look at your options- breakfast/ after school club? Child minder? LTB. Then go to your work, explain the situation- you might need to suggest reduced hours to work around childcare for example.

Get an STI check as well 😱

But most importantly, leave him and never go back. Get yourself some proper therapy. Consider it for your children.

I can't believe you're staying with him! This man has ruined your life so far and you want to continue that? For what? Free childcare? Your kids are already being affected by his shitty, irresponsible, selfish behaviour. You're letting them down massively, to say nothing of yourself.

I think you'll find, once you've got him out of your life (properly, not going back and forth) that your friend will come back - you'll probably gain a few more too.

Free childcare is not worth this crap for 5 minutes, for your kids sake if nothing else, get him gone, teach your children what self respect looks like, and what happens when you treat people so terribly

I also agree with @TheAustralian more harshly put than I have above, but sadly absolutely spot on and you do need to hear it. I think.

You need some counselling.

You pleaded to get back with a man who’d cheated on you repeatedly.

How long before he gets your son onto coke? Or has he done that already? How long before treating women like absolute shit and fucking prostitutes is on your son’s radar?

You’re going to have to learn to be alone to protect yourself and your children because that is a million times better than this utter piece of shit being around them.