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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC partner staying over

46 replies

Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 17:08

Older teen DD has a partner (over 16) of 9 months who stays over once a week. Both have left education and looking for work. They live within travelling distance to not stay over. Myself and DH are perfectly nice & polite to them but they are high maintenance and we can’t relax when they’re here. They take over the kitchen and bathroom and I’ll be the first to admit I’m not a fan of overnight visitors. DD is getting angry that we won’t allow an overnight stay more than once a week. They can see each other as much as they like otherwise.
AIBU to not allow more than 1 stay a week? Am I out of touch?

OP posts:
Youpillock · 05/03/2023 17:20

I have a relative here for the weekend with her boyfriend. I cannot bear it. She could move in and it'd be fine but he just grates. They're currently cooking and I'm sat biting my lip. Thank God he's going tomorrow. No way could I put up with him here every week.

Notimeforaname · 05/03/2023 17:20

No. its your house so what you say goes. She'll have to cope with it.

polkadotdinosaur · 05/03/2023 17:21

It’s such a difficult one. Are they able to stay at her boyfriend or girlfriend’s parents house for one or two nights a week also?
I think you’re being reasonable with one night a week, I’d possibly offer two though and if she’s adult enough to have someone stay over I would be telling her as an equal that you feel awkward and uncomfortable. Are there specific behaviours that make you feel that way? Why don’t you say, me and your dad need to use the kitchen between 6-7:30pm as that’s when we’ll be cooking dinner. You’re more than welcome to use it before 6 or after 7:30, but please tidy up!
I remember what it was like to be 16 and it’s not easy when you don’t have your own space and can’t feasibly live elsewhere as far too young to support yourself.

Suetcrust · 05/03/2023 17:27

Your house, your rules!
If a child doesn’t like your (kind and accommodating routine and your boundaries , in my opinion for what it’s worth ) then they need to take the adult way out & get themselves a bed sit or flat.
Who is the parent here?
Hold fast to your principals.

Original poster
Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 17:31

Youpillock · 05/03/2023 17:20

I have a relative here for the weekend with her boyfriend. I cannot bear it. She could move in and it'd be fine but he just grates. They're currently cooking and I'm sat biting my lip. Thank God he's going tomorrow. No way could I put up with him here every week.

Yep, they really grate…unnecessarily loud with no self awareness. Helps themselves to fridge items, leaves washing (underwear) and just seems entitled. I know that part of it is that I was the complete opposite at that age so find the entitlement jarring.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 05/03/2023 17:31

Your house, once a week sounds like a good compromise. If they want to spend more time together then the obvious answer is for them to get jobs and rent somewhere. If there aren’t jobs locally to you eg you are very remote then maybe they could look at moving somewhere with more opportunities.

ilovesooty · 05/03/2023 17:33

It's your house and it sounds as though if she's not working yet she's not contributing. She's lucky you are prepared to have her partner stay overnight once a week.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/03/2023 17:36

Partner sounds annoying-I completely understand!

Does your daughter stay at theirs once a week as well?

Rumplestrumpet · 05/03/2023 17:38

16 year olds don't have "partners", they have a boyfriend or girlfriend and don't get to demand sleepovers.

I know MN often likes to be "progressive" and totally "open-minded" on teenage sex but I don't think it's representative of the UK as I know it.

My 16yr old will not be having sexual partners over to stay in our family home and your daughter should consider herself very lucky that you do.

2bazookas · 05/03/2023 17:38

they are high maintenance and we can’t relax when they’re here. They take over the kitchen and bathroom

you really need to spell this out to DD and the BF.

MamOfFive · 05/03/2023 17:40

He's not her partner, he's her boyfriend at the age of 16 it's not serious.
YANBU. If they don't like it they can move out

Shinyandnew1 · 05/03/2023 17:40

I didn’t actually clock you said over 16-I’d read it as over 18! I wouldn’t have anyone staying over at 16/17 and if they were angry at me for ‘only’ allowing one night a week, I wouldn’t be impressed!

When did she leave school-it’s half way through an academic year? Time to actually find a job and start saving to move out, I think.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 05/03/2023 17:41

It's not a partner tho is it? Partners share things. Houses , children, a life. They are boyfriend girlfriend or girlfriend girlfriend

Ameanstreakamilewide · 05/03/2023 17:43

Tell her no, and tell her that the bf/gf gets on your tits.

I don't allow overnight visitors either. It changes the whole feeling in the house and I can't relax.

Original poster
Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 17:44

polkadotdinosaur · 05/03/2023 17:21

It’s such a difficult one. Are they able to stay at her boyfriend or girlfriend’s parents house for one or two nights a week also?
I think you’re being reasonable with one night a week, I’d possibly offer two though and if she’s adult enough to have someone stay over I would be telling her as an equal that you feel awkward and uncomfortable. Are there specific behaviours that make you feel that way? Why don’t you say, me and your dad need to use the kitchen between 6-7:30pm as that’s when we’ll be cooking dinner. You’re more than welcome to use it before 6 or after 7:30, but please tidy up!
I remember what it was like to be 16 and it’s not easy when you don’t have your own space and can’t feasibly live elsewhere as far too young to support yourself.

Thank you, we do try and do this with the kitchen but it doesn’t always work as they hang around drinking.
Yes, they stay at DD’s partner’s house once a week too. I personally think that’s plenty for young people but obviously they don’t agree. It’s difficult to tell her the reasons ie that partner grates on us and if I’m being honest isn’t a positive influence. These are things she has to find out for herself…

OP posts:
Original poster
Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 17:47

Sorry, for clarification, I said over 16 for the purpose of showing they are of a legal age. They are 19 & 18

OP posts:
Original poster
Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 17:48

Ameanstreakamilewide · 05/03/2023 17:43

Tell her no, and tell her that the bf/gf gets on your tits.

I don't allow overnight visitors either. It changes the whole feeling in the house and I can't relax.

Perfect! 😀

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 05/03/2023 17:49

Do you mean sitting around drinking alcohol in your house? They are pushing it. I would say extend the days over and would take dd aside and tell her she needs to rein it in with her one night. No family l know had this at 16/17

Original poster
Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 17:51

Suetcrust · 05/03/2023 17:27

Your house, your rules!
If a child doesn’t like your (kind and accommodating routine and your boundaries , in my opinion for what it’s worth ) then they need to take the adult way out & get themselves a bed sit or flat.
Who is the parent here?
Hold fast to your principals.

Thanks! This is the conversation we’ll be having..

OP posts:
Original poster
Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 17:52

Greensleevevssnotnose · 05/03/2023 17:41

It's not a partner tho is it? Partners share things. Houses , children, a life. They are boyfriend girlfriend or girlfriend girlfriend

Yeah, I guess so. I always use the term partner but you’re right.

OP posts:
Youpillock · 05/03/2023 17:52

Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 17:31

Yep, they really grate…unnecessarily loud with no self awareness. Helps themselves to fridge items, leaves washing (underwear) and just seems entitled. I know that part of it is that I was the complete opposite at that age so find the entitlement jarring.

Show quote history

These guys are pretty respectful to be fair but he's bombastic, sullen and whispers to her all the time.

Poppyblush · 05/03/2023 17:54

Why arent they working?

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 18:17

If you've got an adult child who's not in education or earning I think that's a perfectly reasonable explanation. You're paying for their upkeep. You can't afford an extra person with no financial contribution.

I'd also speak to them about the washing/underwear. That's incredibly disrespectful. They need to clean up after themselves and take their washing home.

Aftjbtibg · 05/03/2023 18:20

Your house your rules especially if your DC isn’t paying rent. At that age my parents were very tolerant with my boyfriend coming over a lot but we’d spend time in my room and not get in their space and I respected that they didn’t allow him to stay over/accepted that if it bothered me that much I needed to move out

Dixiechickonhols · 05/03/2023 21:19

At 18 and 19 and not working how about suggesting they look at jobs with accommodation here or abroad.

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