Page 2 | DC partner staying over

Shropshirepie · 2023-03-05T17:08:53+00:00

Older teen DD has a partner (over 16) of 9 months who stays over once a week. Both have left education and looking for work. They live within travelling distance to not stay over. Myself and DH are perfectly nice & polite to them but they are high maintenance and we can’t relax when they’re here. They take over the kitchen and bathroom and I’ll be the first to admit I’m not a fan of overnight visitors. DD is getting angry that we won’t allow an overnight stay more than once a week. They can see each other as much as they like otherwise. AIBU to not allow more than 1 stay a week? Am I out of touch?

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 05/03/2023 21:27

yanbu. it's her home, but it's also yours. you work, you need your home to be a place you can relax in.

Magenta65 · 05/03/2023 21:30

Your house your rules. My partner slept at my parents house once after a night out (in different beds) we’d been together almost 2 years and I was 23. K abided by my mothers rules, 12pm curfew for him to leave every weekend. I did stay over his parents house most Saturday nights but followed our parents wishes. You need to be honest and out your foot down. It’s your house at the end of the day and also they are young. Only one partner has ever been home to my parents and the same for my siblings

PollyPut · 05/03/2023 22:16

@Shropshirepie I wanted to say that you are being unreasonable for allowing them to stay over even once a week - but that's not how the vote is supposed to work.

I would start parenting more - why do they need to stay over at all? You're making this life way to easy for them - what makes you think they are going to get a job any time soon?

DelurkingAJ · 05/03/2023 22:21

Once everyone was over 18 my the boyfriends could always stay. I think my parents saw it as a good way to see who was actually a good thing! (And it is true that the boyfriends who didn’t come over for dinner and sit in the kitchen gossiping with DM were all pretty awful in the end). But it’s your house and it sounds like they’re failing the basic manners test so I think you have every right to limit them staying over…muddier waters when you start taking board from adult DC IMHO.

Original poster

Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 22:30

Dixiechickonhols · 05/03/2023 21:19

At 18 and 19 and not working how about suggesting they look at jobs with accommodation here or abroad.

Thank you. Great idea!

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Original poster

Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 22:32

Thanks very much for all your replies. I’ll be having the conversation tomorrow (DD stayed out tonight as too angry..).

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PollyPut · 05/03/2023 22:53

@Shropshirepie do you know where she is staying? Is she safe?

EmmaDilemma5 · 05/03/2023 22:59

It's your house, you don't have to justify it.

I wouldn't make it personal to him. Just say it's one night a week max, no discussion.

I would also be banning them drinking in the house and would be heavily encouraging finding a job. Why aren't they working?!

Original poster

Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 23:00

PollyPut · 05/03/2023 22:53

@Shropshirepie do you know where she is staying? Is she safe?

Thank you, yes, at her boyfriends (parents) house.

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Original poster

Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 23:05

EmmaDilemma5 · 05/03/2023 22:59

It's your house, you don't have to justify it.

I wouldn't make it personal to him. Just say it's one night a week max, no discussion.

I would also be banning them drinking in the house and would be heavily encouraging finding a job. Why aren't they working?!

Thank you, this is what we’ve been saying. DD is between jobs having lost one recently. Lots of encouragement from us to find another asap.
Just out of interest, why would you ban drinking?

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Cherrysoup · 05/03/2023 23:07

I'd certainly be having words with the boyfriend too re asking before taking stuff from the fridge and not leaving washing, you're not his servant!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/03/2023 23:10

I think children live with their families. When they want to start living with someone else (and 2 nights at yours and two nights at the BFs would be the majority of the time) then they move out. They don't just move people in for over a quarter of the week, it would hugely change the dynamics for everyone else in the house. Even house shares and lodgers often have rules about how often guests can stay for this reason - having even just one more person in the house for a time changes dynamics and means everyone gets disturbed more, everyone has to share resources more
I'd definitely have a word about just helping themselves to stuff and leaving underwear lying around though...

Ponderingwindow · 05/03/2023 23:15

It would be zero nights at our house.
staying over for n your parents home with a boyfriend or girlfriend when you aren’t even working yet and remotely close to being self-supporting is like playing house. It increases the emotional intimacy and makes the relationship seem more serious than the maturity level of the actual participants.

The policy would be different with young adults fully engaged in the workforce, actively saving to move to the next stage of life, and simply still living in my home temporarily because it is the smartest financial move given the housing market.

if they haven’t shown that key shift in maturity though and essentially become self-sufficient despite the address, they aren’t ready.

Original poster

Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 23:19

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/03/2023 23:10

I think children live with their families. When they want to start living with someone else (and 2 nights at yours and two nights at the BFs would be the majority of the time) then they move out. They don't just move people in for over a quarter of the week, it would hugely change the dynamics for everyone else in the house. Even house shares and lodgers often have rules about how often guests can stay for this reason - having even just one more person in the house for a time changes dynamics and means everyone gets disturbed more, everyone has to share resources more
I'd definitely have a word about just helping themselves to stuff and leaving underwear lying around though...

Thank you! This resonates with me so much and perfectly describes how I feel. I’ll be using this, thanks again 🤗

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Original poster

Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 23:23

Ponderingwindow · 05/03/2023 23:15

It would be zero nights at our house.
staying over for n your parents home with a boyfriend or girlfriend when you aren’t even working yet and remotely close to being self-supporting is like playing house. It increases the emotional intimacy and makes the relationship seem more serious than the maturity level of the actual participants.

The policy would be different with young adults fully engaged in the workforce, actively saving to move to the next stage of life, and simply still living in my home temporarily because it is the smartest financial move given the housing market.

if they haven’t shown that key shift in maturity though and essentially become self-sufficient despite the address, they aren’t ready.

Thank you, yes, the fact that DD is getting so angry about the situation only highlights the immaturity of the relationship (and it definitely isn’t a mature coupling)

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thecatsmeows · 05/03/2023 23:29

Tell your daughter that my parents wouldn't let my fiance even go upstairs in their house until we married when I was 21. No overnights, no holidays alone together were 'allowed' either....even when we bought a house 6 months before the wedding and I was paying half the mortgage! I had to pay both board to my parents and half of my mortgage for those 6 months...

The first time my husband ever set foot in my bedroom was the day after we got married and he was helping me pack it up. We'd been together 4 years at that point.

TheSmallAssassin · 05/03/2023 23:39

Ponderingwindow · 05/03/2023 23:15

It would be zero nights at our house.
staying over for n your parents home with a boyfriend or girlfriend when you aren’t even working yet and remotely close to being self-supporting is like playing house. It increases the emotional intimacy and makes the relationship seem more serious than the maturity level of the actual participants.

The policy would be different with young adults fully engaged in the workforce, actively saving to move to the next stage of life, and simply still living in my home temporarily because it is the smartest financial move given the housing market.

if they haven’t shown that key shift in maturity though and essentially become self-sufficient despite the address, they aren’t ready.

What a load of codswallop! You are making loads of false equivalences here. I don't think you have to be completely mature and be ready to move out to be able to enjoy a (responsible) sexual relationship and the loveliness of sleeping in the same bed as your boyfriend or girlfriend. I really don't think they are "playing house".

If the problem is the way he's behaving, OP, then just be honest! You can do it in a tactful way. Surely a parent ought to be mature enough to do that?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/03/2023 23:45

What's the motivation to find work and move out if you can just sponge off your parents, eat their food, stay in their house and get them to wash your undercrackers?

The whole reason to move out is to be grown up and be able to do more of what you choose. Hotel du Maman et Papa sounds a bit too comfy right now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/03/2023 23:47

I'm assuming it's a girlfriend not a boyfriend. Not sure it makes a lot of difference. But all the 'he's' are making me think.

EmmaDilemma5 · 06/03/2023 13:30

Shropshirepie · 05/03/2023 23:05

Thank you, this is what we’ve been saying. DD is between jobs having lost one recently. Lots of encouragement from us to find another asap.
Just out of interest, why would you ban drinking?

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Because, to me, it's not great for late teens to be drinking in doors. It's a bad habit for their health and not ideal for everyone else in the house.

I never drank in my parents home, it was just something I knew was a no-go.

To me, it's about respect. They need to be respecting that it's the family home; not theirs. If they want their own home, and all the freedom it entails, then they need to work hard, get a job and save.

To me, it sounds like they don't respect you at all. They are entitled.

DoubleChocolateBrownies · 06/03/2023 17:11

When I brought a boyfriend back from uni at 19 he was forced to sleep in the garden shed…