Is this how people socialise now?

[decobra]

Scenario 1
Neighbour: Are you around this afternoon? Our little one would love a play with your little ones.

Us: Sure, we're free after 2pm see you later

Neighbour: Never texts or show up but we see them literally walking past our house off to the local park

Scenario 2
Me: A bit short notice but do you fancy a play date this afternoon

Neighbour: Would love to, can I come back to you later?

Me: Yes, sure

Whole day passes and they never come back to us.
*
Scenario 3*
Me: in the last few years organises birthday drinks, Christmas drinks, walks, half term days out, playdates, adult only dinners, takeaways etc. for a small group of mum friends.

Group of Mum "Friends": organise literally nothing (with me anyway),

I feel like some people are atrocious are at socialising and can leave me feeling a bit like shit.

Luckily DH and both have good friends from school, uni and work, and we get on really well with a couple of families in on our street etc. etc.

But I just don't get some people and how they treat others?! I just don't "get" that way of socialising/opting out if socialising.

Why not send a polite text in the first two scenarios. And in the third scenario is suggesting something even basic like a walk or coffee so hard?

Anyway I've ditched the mum "friends" recently and today I've decided to give up on our immediate neighbours as they're just a bit shit.

But it did make me wonder... is this just how some people are? As in they don't think they're coming across a bit rude? AIBU?

I don’t recognise this personally but you do see quite a few threads about it on here.

It's rude!

"can I come back to you later?"

Is that like telling someone that you will "bear it in mind" when they offer advice? Or when someone says "I hear what you are saying"

Sounds like they’re just not that into you.

Both my kids have had friends round for most of primary (weekly occurrences). I can count on one hand how many invites they’ve had in return. I agree it’s rude OP but I encourage other play dates after a few times now just to see if someone “similar minded” appears on the scene.

I don't mind that. But if you're not that into me just send a polite text saying "sounds lovely but we can't make it".

Or in the mum group don't agree to every social thing I set up, then do nothing in return.

it all sounds so vague. Why didn't you go around to theirs this afternoon, they probably got fed up
if waiting for you to show up.

it's just as much on you for not saying where & when as them!

JuneBridie
Sounds like they’re just not that into you.

That’s ok then. That excuses rude and thoughtless behaviour.

This has been used to me several times when I've invited a child to tea and they didn't want to come. Bizarrely I think the mums thought they was being polite, letting me down gently or something, or perhaps thinking I'm completely stupid and wouldn't notice. It's not nice.

However given Scenario 1, it's maybe more likely your neighbour is really flakey.

People have become flaky shits.

Neighbour changed their minds it seems. Don't worry get o with your day and don't ask again. See it as their loss.

Nope. Sounds flakey. I wouldn't like it and wouldn't engage. I'd just say no, you never turn up!

I'd rather people were just straight. You can do so politely.

Maybe it is explained by threads on here where people claim that they get massive anxiety if they say "no" as it's confrontational or whatnot. Baffling.

I don't have the time for people who want to mess about playing games. They get away with it maybe twice, then I have their number and I know we aren't going to get on.

Post Covid people are even more rubbish that they used to be. If you want to do something you have to organise it yourself and then a good 1/3 of people will flake out on the day.

in these cases I’d say it just depends how much you like them, if you do like them then keep going. If you aren’t bothered then that is also fine.

keep going OP ! It’s not you, it’s them

I really think I'm not neurotypical.
Because from those conversations if they said they would get back to you,.I actually would expect them to get back to you.

It took me a while to figure out- when you havent seen someone for a while and they say we should really meet up- they dont actually mean it. I used to think we would actually have a meetup.

Now I just say- yes of course, let me know when you're free- and not expect to hear from them. It seems to be a social thing.

When you meet people - be all happy, happy and make potential polite plans to meet up, and then not bother to meet up. Then when you meet up again forget about previous conversation about meeting up and just go through the motions again.🤷🏽‍♀️

Not my experience of organising things with friends/ neighbours but then I would be prepared to ruthlessly drop someone for being flaky.

Yes, some people are flakey and some aren't very dynamic. I find it irritating too. For me the solution is never to arrange anything that relies solely on them, eg "we're going to the park at 3pm,do you want to join" works, or invite a few people so it doesn't matter as much if they bail.

Some people just don’t like/are good at organising things.

some people aren’t good at saying “actually we aren’t free anymore”- yes it’s rude and a bit pathetic but a lot of people are like that.

I think moving on and forgetting people who don’t make effort back is a good idea. Put the effort where it is worth it.

Sometimes people forget. Or say yes because they don't know how to say no. Some people lack class and have no manners.

Sadly your experience is not unique OP.

A lot of people are just flakey. I just don't try again with people like that.
I also notice a generational difference. People my age will stick to an arrangement, although now that we all have smart phones we can be a bit more flexible about actual time and place.
However, it seems younger people don't consider an appointment as fixed unless you re-confirm during the day. I've had some not turn up to something because they messaged me on FB during the day to ask if it was still on and I didn't reply. There was no indication it would be cancelled...

"It took me a while to figure out- when you havent seen someone for a while and they say we should really meet up- they dont actually mean it. I used to think we would actually have a meetup."

Nice people mean it. Some people are just shit.

I think I'm like you and thought when people say we must meet up they want to! It's hard with some people, others are straightforward. But I think you have to try it out to know which camp they fall into.

It's a bit sad when they don't get back to you and you know they don't like you.

I agree that's just how some people are but not how everyone is.
I'm not like this and nor are the people I chose to surround myself with but then don't we all gravitate to people like ourselves?
There's lots of people I don't get, but then I don't need to worry about them, they're just not my people.

As people have said, it’s rude and flakey but think this is semi normal. I have now taken an approach that if it does fix up I carry on my day and if it works it works and if doesn’t I tell them I am now busy. But doubt that’s an issue to them as they wanted to live flexibly so likely not even noticed