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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you feel your colleagues‘ lifestyle is way above your own?

47 replies

Marghe87 · 05/03/2023 16:12

Posting here for more visibility.
I work in a law firm in London (not a lawyer, another business function) and am surrounded by colleagues in my team who lead much more glamorous lives then DH and I ever did or ever will. Many of them have partners in very high earning jobs (lawyers and bankers mostly) and/or have family money whereas DH have good incomes but high childcare costs and zero family money/inheritance. We are by no means struggling and in fact are getting ready to purchase a (small) house soon but my colleagues seem to lead incredibly expensive lives. Trips to the Caribbean twice a year, massive houses, dinners out in the best London restaurants every week, cocktails twice a week, massive cars etc. I sometimes feel as if I struggle to fit in and I wonder if I am considered as a bit of an outcast as I chose different things for my life (having DC, a husband who does not earn 6 figures etc). I love my job but sometimes wonder if I’d be happier working with different type of people, not sure if I am explaining myself
properly though.
Do you ever feel your colleagues or friends live very different lives to yours and how does that make you feel?

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 05/03/2023 16:14

lieselotte · 05/03/2023 16:16

Yes I have worked in law firms with very wealthy people as well. Even if they are not really high earners themselves they seem to be married to very high earners. It really was another world!

Dacadactyl · 05/03/2023 16:17

No. Most of my colleagues seem to live more frugal lives than I would in their shoes.

Lots of them are married 30 odd years, no children (or grown up children), houses paid off and I'm not sure why they don't spend more tbh.

I am in a normal job and so is DH. Different strokes for different folks. Some people like spending, others saving.

PalmTree1982 · 05/03/2023 16:21

I’m not sure I could be bothered, when I as junior I used to wonder about my boss’s LV shoes and bags. She used to try shame me in front of the team about my things sometimes. At the time tbh I wasn’t overly affected cos outside of work I had a really happy life. At that time I remember DH and were renting a pretty shitty small flat but we had a great life - cinema trips, our local Indian that did amazing authentic food, we’d meet our friends for drinks etc.

I didn’t need to exist in the Mulberry, Range Rover, Skiing, LV world that my old boss did, I can see now she was deeply unhappy and part of the reason she was so shit to me was because I wasn’t!!

Original poster

Marghe87 · 05/03/2023 16:22

@lieselotte it really is a different world but it’s hard to see that when you are in it 10 hours a day. DH works in a very different industry and when I talk about them and their lives he simply cannot believe it

OP posts:

PalmTree1982 · 05/03/2023 16:22

*wasnt bothered by her. We have what we have.

Original poster

Marghe87 · 05/03/2023 16:24

@PalmTree1982 my colleagues are lovely people, they don’t make me feel
bad about stuff. It’s not much about clothes but more about houses, wonderful trips far away, kids in private schools (those who have them) etc and fancy restaurants! I am
not jealous as such, just feel as if I don’t belong iyswim

OP posts:

cortisolqueen · 05/03/2023 16:27

Yes. I'm well paid. I work with others who are equally well paid, but have partners who earn even more and live in cheaper areas of the country.

My OH earns half my salary - this isn't a big deal to me and it would be difficult for him to increase it massively. We also have young kids who do a lot of activities.

So our combined income is pretty much spoken for. We rarely have holidays and can't afford to spend more than £1k, which obviously limits us to more modest locations, rather than the multiple posh holidays many of my colleagues can afford.

It is what it is, unless I win the lottery!

JaceLancs · 05/03/2023 16:27

Yes - everyone has better houses, newer cars, goes out more or on more expensive holidays
However they are mostly 2 income families and/or don’t have dependents

Cherrysherbet · 05/03/2023 16:29

We are by no means struggling

just focus on this ^. Plenty of people are.

Comparison is the thief of joy

Dacadactyl · 05/03/2023 16:30

@Cherrysherbet good post and it's totally true.

KatyKlanger · 05/03/2023 16:32

When I worked in London for a bit, I noticed that people talked in terms of money. eg "Just been on holiday, it cost 3 grand"

Up North, people don't go on about money so much or flash it around so much with designer tat. I've worked in offices full of people on a huge range of earnings and it doesn't seem to matter. Sure, so and so has a nice car and we know they live in a big house, but people don't go on about it the same.

LittlePinkPill · 05/03/2023 16:34

Colleagues always seem to be going out or going away, they have designer brands, expensive makeup, buy their DC expensive things for Christmas & birthdays etc.

I think I have been envious in the past but I have reached an age where I’m not bothered about ‘stuff’ and am not too bothered about holidays ( health issues=expensive insurance). I would love to have more of my mortgage paid off but, after clearing out two elderly relatives houses in the last few years, I realise that the ‘stuff’ isn’t actually important. It’s just clutter and the result of an advertising executives successful marketing campaign.

CambsAlways · 05/03/2023 16:42

I think it’s swings and roundabouts we have friends in much higher wage bracket than us, But there is two wages coming in, ours only one, I’m retired but haven’t got a pension coming in as having to wait for several more months, we do alright, but are concerned with the rising costs, like most people are, we are not the sort of people that really care what others spend their hard earned money on we both think good luck to them if they have the money to do it, it’s the people that are arrogant and look down at ours we can’t abide.

RunTowardsTheLight · 05/03/2023 16:42

It's the opposite for me, DH is well paid so our household income is higher than my colleagues (many of whom are the main earner). I'm not someone to spend a lot on clothes etc so they probably can't tell!

user147283178676 · 05/03/2023 16:47

Yes, my colleagues and I are fairly low paid and I work with almost exclusively women. The majority of them have husbands who earn more than them whereas my husband works part time for childcare reasons earning minimum wage. We keep our fixed outgoings as low as possible so we can still do things but the disparity comes with the nice houses and cars (I don't even have a car). To be honest it doesn't really make me feel bad, if anything I'm pretty pleased with how well we manage despite not having the income to match!

lieselotte · 05/03/2023 16:55

KatyKlanger · 05/03/2023 16:32

When I worked in London for a bit, I noticed that people talked in terms of money. eg "Just been on holiday, it cost 3 grand"

I think it might depend where in the north. A colleague of mine said she bought a new mobile phone and it came with a tablet. She had offered it to her son who was either very late primary or early secondary at the time, and he refused it because he said he'd get the mick taken out of him if it wasn't an iPad.

Whereas in my son's school in a naice affluent southern area, nobody gave a stuff what mobile or tablet they had, as long as they had one.

As for the original point, when law firms talk about social mobility in terms of improving their diversity efforts it is by far the hardest nut to crack. Even if you recruit from "poorer" demographics, you still have the issues of rich partners/families and inherited wealth. I don't think it's very easy to resolve at all, especially with this new "bring your whole self to work" thing where people are talking about their personal lives even more.

privateeyeeye · 05/03/2023 16:58

Yeah, everyone else is double high salary workaholic in finance. DH and I do ok but are lazy arses who have lovely lives.

the only time I feel bad is when they are all on the private school convo (in at 4 years old to get into the best secondaries) and skiing holidays as we do neither.

but we have lovely European hols and eat with our kids every night and never travel for business or are out at client meetings in the evenings.

you can’t be jealous of a bit of someone’s life Imo, look at all of it, then you are rarely jealous anymore !

KatyKlanger · 05/03/2023 17:11

privateeyeeye · 05/03/2023 16:58

Yeah, everyone else is double high salary workaholic in finance. DH and I do ok but are lazy arses who have lovely lives.

the only time I feel bad is when they are all on the private school convo (in at 4 years old to get into the best secondaries) and skiing holidays as we do neither.

but we have lovely European hols and eat with our kids every night and never travel for business or are out at client meetings in the evenings.

you can’t be jealous of a bit of someone’s life Imo, look at all of it, then you are rarely jealous anymore !

I heard something along the lines of "Envy is pointless because you rarely know what someone sacrificed for what they have"

eg Sure, Tiger Woods is great at golf, but he has spent countless hours on a course and missed out on other stuff.

I'd like £10m (given to me) but I'm not sure I'd want to take the risks, have the stress etc that some of my self-made clients have been through to get a few mil in the bank. It came with allsorts of costs.

Even inherited money isn't free. I know a couple of people whose parents have money. They are still (in their 30s) in their shadow in many ways. If they stand on their own 2 feet, their std of living goes backwards - so to maintain a lifestyle they grew up with (so is simply baseline to them) they have to take handouts. I quite like that I grew up without too many bells and whistles - anything and everything feels like luxury/a win to me!

Toddlerteaplease · 05/03/2023 17:25

No, abs the one who goes on loads of nights out and holidays. And makes big purchases on a whim, is actually in quite a bit of debt.

Whyisitsososohard · 05/03/2023 17:30

No if anything I have a bit better a lifestyle. I work in the cultural sector which is low paid and precious. But I have a partner who doesn't, which is kind of unusual for the bit I work in! He earns 53k a year. I earn a mixed amount due to freelance work. We aren't rolling in it at all and has no family help to buy like some lower earning people. But I'm aware I don't have to be super careful all the time like some people I work with.

It has definitely been us with less money in the past so I'm aware of being sensitive. I'd personally not be very happy working around people who are in a way richer lifestyle than me and are not very aware of it.

Cococomellonn · 05/03/2023 17:38

No but I'm also a lawyer and can understand how those in some roles could feel that way such as the admin staff or secretaries but there is always a range of salaries from those roles to paralegals and trainers up to partner level. It's not black and white.

DragonbornMum · 05/03/2023 18:00

Absolutely. My colleagues seem to go out to restaurants every week and often for weekend getaways, where they visit glamorous hotels and spend loads of money.

It used to bother me, but the older I get the more I enjoy our low-key lifestyle. There's much to be said in simplicity

Xenia · 05/03/2023 18:03

Comparison is the thief of joy. Just don't do it.

I am a London lawyer (and actually it is the clients who have the real wealth a lot of the time not the lawyers on £200k or even £2m a year There is always someone better off. It doesn't matter.

However I hope all lawyers in London law firms are very conscious that people also have low salaries. I have 4 lawyer children in London too and it is how they might treat the lowest paid in the building which to me matters much more than how they might treat the senior partner.

SweetSakura · 05/03/2023 18:03

I definitely have come across this a lot (also a solicitor) - a fair proportion come from very wealthy families and /or have a high earning spouse. It certainly made me realise that inherited wealth is often at least as big a predictor of lifestyle as salary, if not far greater in many cases.

Equally I am sure there are many lawyers struggling along quietly who come from far less privileged backgrounds than I do

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