Do you feel your colleagues‘ lifestyle is way above your own?

[Marghe87]

Posting here for more visibility.
I work in a law firm in London (not a lawyer, another business function) and am surrounded by colleagues in my team who lead much more glamorous lives then DH and I ever did or ever will. Many of them have partners in very high earning jobs (lawyers and bankers mostly) and/or have family money whereas DH have good incomes but high childcare costs and zero family money/inheritance. We are by no means struggling and in fact are getting ready to purchase a (small) house soon but my colleagues seem to lead incredibly expensive lives. Trips to the Caribbean twice a year, massive houses, dinners out in the best London restaurants every week, cocktails twice a week, massive cars etc. I sometimes feel as if I struggle to fit in and I wonder if I am considered as a bit of an outcast as I chose different things for my life (having DC, a husband who does not earn 6 figures etc). I love my job but sometimes wonder if I’d be happier working with different type of people, not sure if I am explaining myself
properly though.
Do you ever feel your colleagues or friends live very different lives to yours and how does that make you feel?

Yeah. I work in an industry where people wear watches that match my salary.

I nannied for a family and the Father was a partner in a Law firm, the Mother was a Barrister. It was another world.
They never cooked, the rarely ate at home, they survived on about 4 hours sleep at night (and not because the children woke them, they were on the Nursery floor with me). Went on 4 overseas holidays a year.

Both boys started boarding at 8.

@Marghe87 comparison is the thief of joy! However you can't help comparing when it is in front of you.
If it's eating you up then surround yourself with people who are similar to you eg regional law firm as opposed to a big one in the city

On the other hand DH probably earns more than all our friends but we still manage to maintain friendships by socialising mostly in each others homes as not everyone can afford to go out as much . And we have compromised on holidays if we are going with another family as they have a smaller budget than us

Or you accept they will always be different to you due to the money they earn and instead of being envious , you can try and see how you can earn more?

I teach at an international school in a large European city, and my students are stupidly wealthy. Like, Russian billionaire levels of wealth.

The longer I teach there, the more I feel sorry for the students and don’t want that at all for my DC. They have no sense of the value of things, no resilience, often absent disinterested parents who work and travel too much, the nanny is the main caregiver… Huge rates of depression and anxiety.
My parents are also wealthy (though not to this level!) but made me and my sister work hard, we had to buy our own cars, our own clothes etc. Once we graduated uni we were on our own financially.

I’d much rather live in a small house, have cheap holidays, 2nd hand clothes, eat at home etc. than deal with all the trappings that come with extreme wealth.

Yes definitely. I'm on a good salary so can't complain on that front but I'm a single parent so one income household. My bosses (both female) are both married to wealthy men so they have big family incomes and assets. Most of my colleagues are married or in partnerships so there is someone to share the load.

I am a big believer in comparison being the thief of joy etc so day to day it doesn't bother me that much: I'm proud of what I've achieved and the fact that I've done it without a spouse or any help at all from family so if they have four holidays a year and I have one and a half so be it, I'm happy with my life.

The thing that grates on me more than the money tbh is the freedom that people have to drop everything and do things with very little warning. The fact that I can never go for casual, unscheduled drinks after work or that organising a social event is like 3D chess for me and people assume I'm flaky if I have a childcare fail etc. That bothers me far more than not being able to afford designer gear or go skiing twice a year.

Yes - and I wouldn’t swap places with a single one of them.

The things they place value on - property, holidays, status symbols - don’t figure in my list of things worth having. I have freedom to move on a whim (I rent, so just have to give notice, not sell a big house, and few personal possessions, so moving is easy), and I choose holidays that I can afford, to places I want to go. I have children who don’t look forward to my death (very little to inherit), and many grandchildren who bring me joy because I didn’t prioritise my career and put off childbearing. I spend time with family because we like being in one another’s company, not because we expect anything from one another.

I don’t worry about my shares losing value (I don’t have any) or my mortgage going up (no property). I have no debts and earn enough to cover my needs. I have a modest cushion of savings in case of a change in circumstances.

Each of us has to decide what matters to us. If we have the things that matter, who cares how others choose to live?

I am so thankful I’m happy with very little and enjoy being frugal and living within my means.

OP, sounds like you have a great job and amazing skills. If you don’t like the environment then why not make the jump?

There was a time when this would have bothered me but life has taught me that having all these things does not necessarily guarantee happiness. I know some pretty wealthy people that are miserable, caught in a treadmill of work and pressure to keep up their lifestyles their marriages and children suffer. I know older people with so much money all they do is worry about it and never actually enjoy life.

The ones who have a better lifestyle than their wages have a rich/well paid husband and come from a rich family where mummy and daddy have and are helping out. Funny thing with rich people even when they are bank poor their taste, accent and attitude to life makes them come across as wealthy.

Thankfully no but I have done and wouldn't work in that environment again. DH and I are both good earners, 2 DC, nice house, holidays, but not flashy. I've worked in finance for years but used to do a very different job and the entitlement and office chat was awful. Proper Tory wet dream stuff. I now work in a much more laid back environment where people do earn decently but it's not all private school and look at the size of my new Audi🙄

I work in retail, but most of my colleagues had professional jobs so own properties, have lots of holidays etc. I've always been poor.

It’s nice that you want your lawyer children to be nice to the receptionists and cleaners, but the fact remains that the receptionists and cleaners are often having to travel in a long way at unsociable hours for very little money to service the lawyers whose ridiculously inflated salaries have made having a mortgage on a residential property in central London the preserve of the very rich.

No one should earn in a month what someone else earns in two years.

Yep, lots of my colleagues have family money - I seem to be the only person with a child in state school! A colleague has four children at Dulwich College, which I know will be costing 1.5 times her take-home salary, so she is not paying that herself (they also have a massive house, and her husband is not an investment banker or anything).

Just to mention the stressors in the legal life will be different. Reputation. Stress over colleagues, connections and progression.
They at times, might prefer a different life too.

Also in London and yes, mostly because they are two-income households without dependants though and I live alone. Two people even on average wages will of course find it much easier to afford things when all their money isn't going on bills.

I’ve also come across this a lot. I grew up in a mpoor working class household - no central heating, at times no money for food, no holidays etc. I had to take on debt for university and law school. Most of the friends I made along the way were heavily bankrolled by their parents. They were bought houses, most mortgage free. With that sort of start, it’s easy to just keep amassing wealth. They also mostly have high paying jobs too.

We earn good money now but I’m still comparatively poor compared to them!

I feel like this about my mum's side of the family. She is the poor underachiever of the family and we've lived a simple life and refused help from her parents, unlike my aunts and uncles. In a way I'm glad, because to grow up with a lot of wealth and lose it must be harsh.

What does grind my gears is them pleading poverty now they are approaching retirement (they have rental properties) when they really don't have to worry that much. They have plenty of money if they just adjusted their lifestyles. They don't know they are born or how lucky they were.

I think being able to budget and live simply is a life skill that your colleagues may be lacking. They might need it one day (I have images of Edina Monsoon from Ab Fab going to Tesco and stealing a crate of wine like she did in that episode when she was broke.

DH works in a similar field. The stories of his colleagues lives are a world away from ours! They're all huge houses in naice parts of London, private schools, amazing overseas holidays etc. Usually the colleagues have spouses in high income jobs too, some come from money. They're usually several years older which seems to have been the last of the age bracket (those pushing 50 now) who had much more affordable housing prices when they were first time buyers which makes a HUGE difference.

We don't have as much as his work colleagues, but since we live in a down-at-heel part of London and our children go to the local state primary, we have a hell of a lot more than most of our local friends.

It sounds like your colleagues have lost touch with reality a bit. I'd focus more on making friends within your community.

No. I'm happy with my life and tbh what you describe your colleague life style be my worse nightmare. No vvvv happy with walks in the country a nice husband, chickens and a child who loves me some times. I don't get posh shoes that rub. Every one lives the life they want too .

You have to stay true to yourself and your own values

i don’t care about all that stuff, though a trip to somewhere sunny sounds a dream right now, and I avoid people who are all about money. Because if their life is based on just money (spending it, showing it) it’s a bit boring to me. I am more interested in people who are resourceful and creative in making their lives work iyswim

so just be you, and find friends outside if that circle, who are more on your wavelength

By the way as a London lawyer I have always had to live out here in zone 5 as do just about all the lawyer children - might all be commuting at least an hour with everyone else who works in a London office. It was ever thus even when I started in the 80s.

I like my life, and as I’ve got older I care less and less about what other people do with theirs, unless they’re inspiring me with trips into the wilderness…