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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn't see me!

37 replies

Ays1323 · 05/03/2023 16:00

I really need some perspective on my relationship. We have been together since 2008. Married for seven years. DH is a very hardworking person, he always says the reason he works so hard is to provide me and DS comfortable lives. He is kind hearted and pulls more than his weight when it comes to housework and DS (I work part time (3 hours a day) and so wouldn't mind if he didnt help me much too.

The problem is the past two years he really doesn't hear or see me. He tries to spend time with me and DS, however is always interrupted by business calls, employees etc. So I rarely get attention from him. On top of this everything I tell him he forgets. I have to keep repeating myself - I'll tell him friday I have to go to XYZ and he will say why don't you do KWY on Friday.

On top of this he forgets me - I'll prepare dinner, tell him to get the cutlery out he will get two for himself and DS. I have called him out on this numerous times and still no change.

Today we argued over yogurt.. He took the pot of yogurt out while I was sitting at the table. I asked him to bring a bowl, yogurt pot and spoon because I wanted some too. He said ok - continued scooping out some for himself, I repeated myself again knowing him. He said ok, a few seconds later sat next to me. I looked on counter the yogurt was put back into fridge. I lost it.

Am I being unreasonable?? Am I expecting to much from him? I am starting to question everything in our relationship. My self esteem has hit rock bottom these past two years

OP posts:
inininsomnia · 05/03/2023 16:08

I know this is a pretty common response on here, but this sounds very much like ADHD. My partner's has gotten much more obvious with age. It might be worth doing some reading around. If so, it's not at all about you, but he might be able to get some help.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2023 16:09

On top of this he forgets me - I'll prepare dinner, tell him to get the cutlery out he will get two for himself and DS. I have called him out on this numerous times and still no change.

This is outrageous. What is his excuse/explanation?

monsterradeliciosa · 05/03/2023 16:10

He sounds weird but if you split up what would life be like?

Dacadactyl · 05/03/2023 16:11

I would also be annoyed and hurt. And I would be having it out with him too.

I also think you should look at counselling to get this out in the open properly and see if it makes a difference.

ThereIbledit · 05/03/2023 16:21

@inininsomnia I have ADHD, and I know I don't speak for everybody who is neurodiverse but I think you're giving this stranger an excuse when the reality is that it's more likely that he's just very self-absorbed. That's not diagnostic criteria for ADHD, and it's a bit insulting that people think it is to be honest.

Original poster
Ays1323 · 05/03/2023 17:01

Thank you for your replies. I am so upset by this. Will consider councelling but come to a point where I want him out of my life. I want to feel seen and heard

OP posts:
Original poster
Ays1323 · 05/03/2023 17:02

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2023 16:09

On top of this he forgets me - I'll prepare dinner, tell him to get the cutlery out he will get two for himself and DS. I have called him out on this numerous times and still no change.

This is outrageous. What is his excuse/explanation?

Always the same - I work hard, I have so much in my head, I can't keep up.

He only forgets me. This is the problem

OP posts:
Jooliusreezer · 05/03/2023 17:27

Ays1323 · 05/03/2023 17:02

Always the same - I work hard, I have so much in my head, I can't keep up.

He only forgets me. This is the problem

Show quote history

This is astonishingly awful. He only and repeatedly ‘forgets’ you, even when you have literally just asked him?

I have to say I think he sees you as nothing more than a facilitator of his life and existence, he doesn’t see you even as a person, and he doesn’t feel like he needs to make any effort for you at all, and that you’ll sort anything out for yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2023 17:46

Don't choose to live like this. It will be soul destroying. He either pulls his head out of his arse immediately and forever or you leave him. This is not sustainable.

DrManhattan · 05/03/2023 17:57

He sounds very strange to me. I wouldn't put up with this level of disrespect (and it's just nuts)

Hotvimto3 · 05/03/2023 18:04

ThereIbledit · 05/03/2023 16:21

@inininsomnia I have ADHD, and I know I don't speak for everybody who is neurodiverse but I think you're giving this stranger an excuse when the reality is that it's more likely that he's just very self-absorbed. That's not diagnostic criteria for ADHD, and it's a bit insulting that people think it is to be honest.

Yeah its not something I would do at all.

ThereIbledit · 05/03/2023 18:23

I have to agree that he sees you as a facilitator for his life, as a member of staff, the nanny, the handmaiden, the waitress in a restaurant.

It's not a life path that I would want to continue with.

ConcordeOoter · 05/03/2023 18:37

Definitely communicate about this and tell him it is upsetting you.

He could be completely unaware he is upsetting you, or he could totally mean it to hurt and be horrible, being PA because he is miffed at you in a very small way and needs to express it better. Only one way to find out.

Crystalsandpebbles · 05/03/2023 18:50

My DH forgot to put my name on a Christmas card to a mutual friend once. 🙄The friend worried that we had split up/ that I had died and had to phone up others to check. A good way of getting out of the card writing in future years for DH.

angelikacpickles · 05/03/2023 18:55

inininsomnia · 05/03/2023 16:08

I know this is a pretty common response on here, but this sounds very much like ADHD. My partner's has gotten much more obvious with age. It might be worth doing some reading around. If so, it's not at all about you, but he might be able to get some help.

ADHD that allows him to get cutlery for himself and DS but renders him incapable of getting any for his wife?

Flowersintheattic57 · 05/03/2023 19:14

Your status in his head is ‘household appliance’. He is choosing to do this. You can choose something different.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/03/2023 19:18

My sound like a strange question but when you are talking to him, making a request, like with the yogurt pot, does he maintain eye contact or was he looking elsewhere when replying?

Justablahfeelingallaround · 05/03/2023 19:30

@TomatoSandwiches Why?

inininsomnia · 06/03/2023 02:08

To the people who commented on my post - I meant no offence at all, but after 25 years lived experience with my partner and his ADHD, I can attest that his level of distraction is such that he often cannot hold thoughts in his head for the time it takes to cross a room, especially requests from other people. When he hyperfocuses on a subject, he functions very well but more peripheral details escape him very easily. It's shitty for him, and sometimes for me, but there it is. Life has at least been easier since we've understood why this happens.

snitzelvoncrumb · 06/03/2023 02:19

It does sound a bit like adhd, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Counseling is a great idea. He needs to understand how this makes you feel. You could start doing some of the things he does to you back to him. But it will cause tension. How would he react if you forgot to make him dinner?

FictionalCharacter · 06/03/2023 02:29

inininsomnia · 06/03/2023 02:08

To the people who commented on my post - I meant no offence at all, but after 25 years lived experience with my partner and his ADHD, I can attest that his level of distraction is such that he often cannot hold thoughts in his head for the time it takes to cross a room, especially requests from other people. When he hyperfocuses on a subject, he functions very well but more peripheral details escape him very easily. It's shitty for him, and sometimes for me, but there it is. Life has at least been easier since we've understood why this happens.

Distraction surely doesn’t explain why he gets cutlery for himself and his son, but not his wife, repeatedly. And he’s been called out repeatedly. He can remember to get cutlery, just not for her. It really does sound like there’s a strange thought process going on in his head that excludes his wife from his consciousness.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/03/2023 03:08

With things like cutlery, what would happen if he got two sets of cutlery out...and you took one and gave your son one and he had to go without? Would actions sink in more than words? I'm assuming you've spoken to him about it? Have you asked him how he is going to ensure he changes?

inininsomnia · 06/03/2023 10:14

FictionalCharacter · 06/03/2023 02:29

Distraction surely doesn’t explain why he gets cutlery for himself and his son, but not his wife, repeatedly. And he’s been called out repeatedly. He can remember to get cutlery, just not for her. It really does sound like there’s a strange thought process going on in his head that excludes his wife from his consciousness.

Show quote history

It can totally explain it. In his head, he needs to eat, so he needs a spoon, so he gets a spoon.

ADHD can manifest very differently between different individuals, but I think it would be worth OP considering that there maybe be things happening here other than selfishness.

inininsomnia · 06/03/2023 10:20

Although, I just saw that he will get out two spoons rather than three, which is strange. But I've been through an awful lot with my ADHD partner that means I have felt very unseen at times, because there isn't enough room in his lovely but crowded brain to notice everything going on (or needed) around him. Repeated verbal reminders achieve very little, but visual cues can help.

OP describes her OH as kindhearted and pulling his weight, so perhaps he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

GoldDuster · 06/03/2023 10:32

Flowersintheattic57 · 05/03/2023 19:14

Your status in his head is ‘household appliance’. He is choosing to do this. You can choose something different.

Agree 100%. You're not being unreasonable to feel that you don't want to live like this.

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