He doesn't see me!

[Ays1323]

I really need some perspective on my relationship. We have been together since 2008. Married for seven years. DH is a very hardworking person, he always says the reason he works so hard is to provide me and DS comfortable lives. He is kind hearted and pulls more than his weight when it comes to housework and DS (I work part time (3 hours a day) and so wouldn't mind if he didnt help me much too.

The problem is the past two years he really doesn't hear or see me. He tries to spend time with me and DS, however is always interrupted by business calls, employees etc. So I rarely get attention from him. On top of this everything I tell him he forgets. I have to keep repeating myself - I'll tell him friday I have to go to XYZ and he will say why don't you do KWY on Friday.

On top of this he forgets me - I'll prepare dinner, tell him to get the cutlery out he will get two for himself and DS. I have called him out on this numerous times and still no change.

Today we argued over yogurt.. He took the pot of yogurt out while I was sitting at the table. I asked him to bring a bowl, yogurt pot and spoon because I wanted some too. He said ok - continued scooping out some for himself, I repeated myself again knowing him. He said ok, a few seconds later sat next to me. I looked on counter the yogurt was put back into fridge. I lost it.

Am I being unreasonable?? Am I expecting to much from him? I am starting to question everything in our relationship. My self esteem has hit rock bottom these past two years

It doesn't sound like ADHD, it sounds like he doesn't listen to you. As in he tunes you out. He's just saying yes/no out of habit but isn't actually listening to what you say. Presumably because whatever he's got going on in his head is more important than you. In his opinion.

It's rude and I wouldn't tolerate it. If he's overworked/stressed, then he needs to deal with that.

What sort of visual cue does this man need? A photo of his wife on the fridge and cutlery drawer, so he remembers she exists?

It doesn't matter whether it's ADHD, or Dengue Fever, the end result is the same and for me, this wouldn't be how I'd be prepared to live.

If he can count to three, he can get three sets of cutlery out of the drawer.

How does he cope at work with this level of "distraction"? Presumably he can turn it on when he needs to or he wouldn't be employable. He's very much choosing to ignore you.

He's definitely tuning you out.

What would happen if you forgot him?

That sounds more like early dimentia than just being an arse. Are you sure he's actually ok?

I understand that, but that isn’t what he’s doing. He’s getting a spoon for himself and his son, but not for his wife. So it goes beyond “need to eat, get spoon”. He’s able to think of getting a spoon for his son, why not for his wife too?

I read so many posts from disgruntled wives on MN but for some reason this one has shaken me. Whether he forgets you or is just so disinterested in you that he can’t even be bothered to retain any information that relates to you, either way it is just plain disturbing. Of course your self esteem is on the floor, your DH, who is supposed to be the love of your life, is basically acting like you don’t exist!

Before I say LTB, I would suggest telling him that you are both clearly failing to communicate properly and will need marriage counselling to save your marriage. See what he says.

And “I work hard” is a cop out and another way of saying “You don’t get to criticise me because I bring home the bacon”. I would work towards increasing your hours back to full time so that you have the financial independence to leave him if it comes to it.

I don’t know what advice to offer about the cutlery, that’s just bizarre.

My ex never really listened to me, I swear blind if I said “I’ve made a big pot of chilli for dinner, don’t eat it for lunch” all he would hear was “eat it for lunch”.

I truly believe I was out of sight, out of mind. My only practical suggestion is when you tell him you are doing Xyz follow it up with a text. That way he can’t deny you ever said anything.

My ex would also say that his head was full of all the busy things he was doing, going to do, but he thought that just meant he was Special. It continued even in retirement, when he didn’t have a job to blame. He remembered things, but only if they were important to him. Otherwise he was very forgetful ie locking up at night etc etc.

I don’t believe he is ND, and my highly qualified therapist believes he has narcissistic traits.

My husband would be a bit like this eg, get himself a glass of what to have with dinner, but not offer me, or turn his bedside light on, but not mine. The difference is that when I pointed it out to him, he didn't do it again. And for cutlery, he will often just forget to get cutlery, which is fine, no big deal, he wouldn't remember to get cutlery for two people but not the third. What the fuck does he think you're going to do? eat it with your hands. If he can remember to get cutlery for his kid and not you, the person cooking the dinner, he doesn't have ADHD, that's just an excuse for bad behaviour in this situation.

I'd stop cooking his dinner in this situation, then he could sit there with his knife and fork and think on about why he doesn't have any food.

No advice, but just wanted to do a wave of solidarity. I've had a bit of a cry this morning as I'm in a similar situation and just so fed up/ tired of it all. My DH also does the cutlery thing! I honestly lose count of how many times a day I'll say things to him and he then forgets. I used to think it was because he was scrolling on his phone or just mentally distracted but now it's even happening after conversations that we have where he seems to engage at the time. (No neurodiversity or dementia/ cognitive impairment either). I'm led to believe that what I say just isn't interesting or important enough for him to prioritise remembering. I love my DH very much but it's a bloody lonely existence sometimes when it feels like this.

I really wish I could offer you a magic wand OP, but I think your options at this point are talking to him openly about how his behaviour is affecting you and deciding whether you want to continue the relationship if nothing changes.

There's a saying: 'familiarity breeds contempt'. Sounds like he's losing respect for you. Whether it's deliberate or unconscious, it's hard to say. But I think your feelings and worry are valid.

A suggestion about the cutlery thing. When he comes in with 2 sets, gives one to DC and one to himself, look him in the eye and say "you've done it again". Send him back to the kitchen to get another set, don't get it yourself. If he keeps doing it, ask him very seriously how he can "forget" you each time.
This is a very specific type of "forgetfulness" that can't be explained by him being busy and tired. He needs to understand how insulting this is.

I'd forget to serve him any food.?'