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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my kids could be a bit more motivated

27 replies

Wotsitsname · 05/03/2023 13:40

My kids complain about everything they do. I have to have arguments with them every time they do sports/homework/go to school. Is this normal? Other kids seem to do much more than they do. For context in terms of after school things they do a sport twice a week. At the weekend on Saturday they do a sport for one hour and Sunday they have a tutor for one hour and homework to do. Is that too much? The only thing they seem to like doing is playing on their iPad. Why are they so unmotivated?

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midgemadgemodge · 05/03/2023 13:42

Sport - their active /exercise should be the one they chose - do they feel they have to do that sport or was it the sport they chose?

Tutor ?!?

historygeek · 05/03/2023 13:43

How old are they?
Are the sports activities ones they have chosen/ requested to do? Do they enjoy it when they get there?

My DS is 6 and would say he doesn't want to go to school but loves it when he gets there. No arguments about his extra curriculars because they are his choice. Reading can be a bit of a mission, but he gets on with it once he's got over himself!

NuffSaidSam · 05/03/2023 13:46

They don't need to be motivated because you're doing that for them. Don't nag them to do their homework, let them not do it and suffer the consequences of that. If they don't want to do sport then don't take them. Let them make a decision and feel the consequences.

Keep the ipad/screen time to an absolute minimum or get rid entirely.

Wotsitsname · 05/03/2023 13:50

They enjoy the sport once they are there and leave happy, the same with school and the tutor (it’s to help them in an area I am not so good in either and which they were falling behind with). It’s just the struggle to get them there is always very draining. They have been through a bunch of sports and dropped out. Also music activities and dropped out. I’m not keen for them to drop this sport as I think they have next to no resilience and that is just going to make it worse. They are 8 and 9.

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Wotsitsname · 05/03/2023 13:51

That’s very helpful thank you. I will try it

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Donnashair · 05/03/2023 13:52

How often do they get down days when there’s no extra curriculars?

Do they need a tutor on a Sunday? That’s formal learning 6 days a week during school time.

Donnashair · 05/03/2023 13:53

Sorry that should have said no extra curriculars or school?

Dacadactyl · 05/03/2023 13:57

I think that to a large part, you need to motivate them to do their extra curricular activities until it becomes either a habit or a passion of theirs.

So, if I hadn't pushed my son to attend one of his sports, he'd have happily given it up at age 8 or 9. I told him that if he didn't go, the alternative was to stay at home, but he would be banned from any electronic devices and would have to make up his own entertainment for the length of time it took to drive to and from the activity, plus the duration of the activity itself.

He decided he'd rather do the activity.

Try banning them from doing things you consider unhealthy e.g. too much time on electronics, until they're doing what you consider to be suitable otherwise.

Wotsitsname · 05/03/2023 14:01

Donnashair · 05/03/2023 13:52

How often do they get down days when there’s no extra curriculars?

Do they need a tutor on a Sunday? That’s formal learning 6 days a week during school time.

Well on Saturday they have one hour sport then they are allowed two hours on their iPad and free time for the rest of the day.

Sunday the tutor and homework probably takes up 1.5 hours then the rest of the day free

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Marblessolveeverything · 05/03/2023 14:08

They need a few days with nothing scheduled everyone does. When are the kids able to just chill?

Wotsitsname · 05/03/2023 14:15

Marblessolveeverything · 05/03/2023 14:08

They need a few days with nothing scheduled everyone does. When are the kids able to just chill?

They only do after school sports two days a week. The other three days they just come home and chill. At the weekend they do one hour on Saturday sports then just chill. Sunday I do feel bad for them as they do the tutor plus homework but after that they just chill. I’m not an overbearing mum they watch tv, have friends over and have iPad time (2 hours each on Sunday. I wasn’t really seeing that as the problem. The problem seems to be the iPad time makes them want to do nothing, completely takes away their motivation.

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Marblessolveeverything · 05/03/2023 15:32

But every day there is a schedule, it just doesn't suit everyone's well being to be scheduled.

Mine loved nerf wars, water balloon fights, card games, fort building, reading watching old comedies etc. Or just being able to hang around without a plan.

I would limit the iPad time we give a time allowance and once it's gone it's gone. It seems to work so far.

Dacadactyl · 05/03/2023 15:32

@Wotsitsname yes I agree screen time makes their motivation wane. So tell them I'd they don't go, they don't have the option of screentime. They have to do board games or lego or whatever. They don't get to say no to healthy activities in favour of TV or whatever.

Do you think they'd go if you took this approach? It's the only thing that worked with my DS.

cheatingcrackers · 05/03/2023 16:08

My kids are very motivated - I’m not saying that to be smug, it’s just how they are. No complaints ever about going to school or sport.

I guess the only things we’ve done that might’ve helped are a) no tablets (I don’t really know if this would’ve made much difference but people seem to be saying it would);
b) been very enthusiastic about their sports - getting them to teach us bits, practicing with them and really showing them how much we enjoy it, looking up old Olympics to watch etc; c) been very chilled about homework - definitely no tutors here, I will always sit and help them through their work and extend it as appropriate (eg one DC loves maths so I find him harder books to work on than what he gets from school) but I’m also very happy for them to skip homework if it’s something they can already do - have had support from their teachers on this - and talk to them about how important free play is for them and give them as many opportunities for it as possible within a very busy schedule;
d) modelled motivation! We never complain about going to work or to our own hobbies.

Sorry if you are already doing most of this already.

namejump · 05/03/2023 16:37

Could the tutor time be moved? My youngest in particular struggles with over scheduling, he struggles even with having swimming on a Saturday, he's only 9 but says his weekend doesn't start until after swimming! I think if he had tutor time on a Sunday he just wouldn't feel like he gets a break.

Wotsitsname · 05/03/2023 16:45

Thanks for all your advice. I think I will try to get homework done during the week now. I would like to drop the tutor but my eldest was below expected and lacked confidence in a subject last year and I was worried about that. I will drop it to every other week. Also less iPad time and more outdoor time. It’s hard to find a healthy balance as in my day free time would be spent running around outside and climbing trees but free time for them consists of hanging around the house watching tv and looking bored.

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Wotsitsname · 05/03/2023 16:47

Can I ask, do you limit tv time? What do they do with their free time?

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Wotsitsname · 05/03/2023 16:48

cheatingcrackers · 05/03/2023 16:08

My kids are very motivated - I’m not saying that to be smug, it’s just how they are. No complaints ever about going to school or sport.

I guess the only things we’ve done that might’ve helped are a) no tablets (I don’t really know if this would’ve made much difference but people seem to be saying it would);
b) been very enthusiastic about their sports - getting them to teach us bits, practicing with them and really showing them how much we enjoy it, looking up old Olympics to watch etc; c) been very chilled about homework - definitely no tutors here, I will always sit and help them through their work and extend it as appropriate (eg one DC loves maths so I find him harder books to work on than what he gets from school) but I’m also very happy for them to skip homework if it’s something they can already do - have had support from their teachers on this - and talk to them about how important free play is for them and give them as many opportunities for it as possible within a very busy schedule;
d) modelled motivation! We never complain about going to work or to our own hobbies.

Sorry if you are already doing most of this already.

Do you limit tv time? What do they do with their free time?

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LaughingCat · 05/03/2023 16:55

Free time in my school holidays (early nineties at that age) consisted of me wistfully wishing I could stay in and read or watch cartoons and being kicked out of the house by my mum.

Your schedule feels like a lot - I think I had swimming after school on a Friday, horse riding on a Sunday, and 45 mins piano practice every night after school but other than that, my time was free (and I thought I was busy!).

BUT - we went out and did things as a family, every Saturday. Go for a walk, visit a new place, rugby or football matches, see family or friends…it was only in the school holidays where I might have a few days at home. Sunday afternoons was for the parents watching Masterchef, snooker or rugby while I read the entire Sunday Times cover to cover and tried to fill in the Mensa ad puzzles.

So lots of unstructured free time, but filled with interesting things. Maybe there’s something in that?

I probably moaned about it though. Being obliviously ungrateful is kinda your job as a kid, no? 😁

cheatingcrackers · 05/03/2023 17:10

Wotsitsname · 05/03/2023 16:48

Do you limit tv time? What do they do with their free time?

Yes we do, they’re allowed TV 3 days out of Monday - Friday (3 kids so each of them gets a day to choose what’s on) and then we usually watch a film as a family at the weekend. The oldest didn’t really watch TV at all until she was 5 and the second until he was 3 - the youngest has obviously watched from birth with his big siblings and I do notice that he will ask for it much more often than they will.

With their free time they variously (they’re 4, 6 & 9 so not all at the same place with this) read, draw, listen to audiobooks, write stories, play with their toys, play imaginatively with each other (building dens, Lego worlds etc), set up assault courses, go on the trampoline, craft, play with play doh/kinetic sand/type stuff… all sorts really.

If they claim boredom I’m quick to find them a job 😉

Donnashair · 05/03/2023 17:27

My dd loves a routine and thrives with a set routine everyday. Even now, she is 19 at uni, she has a schedule even for weekends. She thrives on it. It helps her stay motivated.

Ds (12) doesn’t he needs at least one every two weeks that are down days. They are usually spent doing an extra long dog walk, in the garden. Visiting grandparents. Might go out for lunch. Or a morning out at a park or something. Or he may ask to do something depending on how he feels and if we can, we do. These days aren’t spent lounging watching screens. But having pre booked obligations and never having a day where we get up and say ‘let’s go do this fun thing’, just doesn’t work for him.

If we are at home he still loves his Lego, we might watch a movie together (we usually do this one weekend night anyway) or play a board game or cool together.

Thats why I asked the question. Because once I realised this and didn’t have plans for every single day, he became more motivated. I never need to chase him for a homework deadline, he is always organised and has what he needs for school, enjoys being outside, helps care for the dogs without being asked. It’s almost like his brain needs a day with no obligations and that gives him the room to be much better with his obligations in general.

I don’t limit screen time. He often got too much screen time in lock down, as I wfh and was a single parent. He actually got bored with screen times and doesn’t really go on his tablet of phone that much. No point having a limit now, as he wouldn’t reach it.

What subject is your child behind on? And is it really that bad? Your children are still young.

Also remember, that many of the ‘motivated’ kids you are, probably moan behind closed doors too. Their parents just wouldn’t admit it.

JussathoB · 05/03/2023 17:33

I definitely would keep a limit on iPads. Constructive play/reading is always good. 4 and 6 is not very old so some activities should be short.

JussathoB · 05/03/2023 17:37

I think your schedule sounds fine to be honest

JussathoB · 05/03/2023 17:38

Outdoor time is always good though and easier now spring is hopefully on the way

Springintoactions · 05/03/2023 18:00

Ditch iPads it's just addictive junk

Never bought mine them and they're only allowed handheld devices in the car

They're all sporty and sociable

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