To have an MN bible (lighthearted)

[Tillyesque]

MN dos and donts -

Log it with 101 but don't have a toilet brush

Shop in Farrow and Ball /Boden

Is against snobbery in general

Don't send your child to a school with a very overwhelmingly working class demographic

Anyone who thinks the popular crowd at their school 'fail at life' or 'peaked in high school' are jealous, unrealistic and bitter

All DHs are lazy, cheating scumbags. LTB.

All landlords are evil wrong uns.

Most posters allegedly have working class roots but now holiday multiple times a year.

The poor are to be helped, unless they voted brexit in which case they are thick and racist.

Do end every vaguely smug, pontificating sentence with "you do realise this, right?"

DO always draw a diagram for every kind of parking dilemma
DON'T leave your clothes out overnight to be darkened on

Do cancel the cheque

100% truth 😁

Hobbies are "outing"

Be on Facebook but not really on Facebook - iyswim

Your looking for a puppy/dog...

Only a retired greyhound is acceptable

A couple of well known Mumsnetters used to say they had a spreadsheet, one to just remember stuff, whilst the other one really did. Scary Mary.

You can't just leave one child out of a party - but under no circumstances invite your child's bully

Hate all school run mums - they're cliquey bitches !

Oh ffs the school run mums are just a group of friends - they can invite/exclude who they like!! Jealousy methinks ?!

Hate the overly manicured school run mums but the pyjama brigade ?? They're just vulgar !

If a man checks your phone, it’s a deal breaker. You have a right to your privacy, change the locks and put his stuff in bin bags.

’I think my boyfriend/husband/partner is cheating’

‘Do you have access to his phone?’

A couple of well known Mumsnetters used to say they had a spreadsheet, one to just remember stuff, whilst the other one really did. Scary Mary.

Yes I remember all the joking about it and then someone linked it!

Or ‘HTH’ I always imagine they give a little nod as they say that.

Don't ever buy or use anything from Baylis and Harding.

Tinkling laugh and side head tilt whilst being an absolute demon hell bitch.

If you EVER feed your child anything considered non organic they should be removed immediately by social services.

You need to be earning at least 50K a year or you will clearly not survive.

Everything about the UK is bad. Europe is some kind of Utopia where no one gets drunk, everyone is lovely and cultured, economy booming, you can buy a lovely eco friendly house in a garden city full of flowers - and that's even if you work 16 hours a week on a checkout. Oh, and the schools have 12 pupils per class and their are 3 doctors and nurses per person.

Let anyone with a severe hangover look after toddlers as punishment while OP enjoys spa day/coffee and cake in boutique cafe.

Clatter round kitchen purposely banging pots and pans in order to wake up/annoy anyone with severe hangover after heavy drinking session. They can also clear up their own sick while OP is out pampering their lovely selves ...

By no means take siblings to children's parties - this is the epitome of CFery !!

If a woman has kids but isn’t married to her partner, she must make him get married, after all, it’s only 2/6 for a register office wedding, that way she’ll get half of everything, conversely, if it’s the woman who has the assets, she mustn’t marry him because, if she does, he gets half of everything….

Always advise the OP on the basis that everybody's circumstances/ living accommodation are exactly the same as your own. The cost of living thread ie fuel bills has been a particularly rich seam for this this winter. Ditto don't pay by DD through the year because"they are ripping you off", but moan like merry hell when the January bill arrives.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On no account read the opening post, let alone the rest of the thread, before contributing your tuppence worth.

" OP : I have two DC and one DSC, aged 14, 12 and three. I am worried DSC does not eat nearly as much as her siblings. DH says it doesn't matter, and he only gives me £5 a fortnight housekeeping, so I am quite glad in a way. Also, my husband wants us to get a goat to keep the lawn trim and save on the gardener, but I am having a secret affair with the gardener and do not want to lose my only hobby. AIBU?"

"Poster 1 : How old are your children?

Poster 2: Are you married?

Poster 3: We need a diagram!

Poster 4: Buy a massive organic chicken every week.

Poster 5: OP should book a spa day for her and a friend.

Poster 6: Is your husband looking at porn?"

Anything you don't like that another woman did or said to you (or the way she looked at you) is because she's either jealous of you, negative, toxic, or all three!

Or unhinged.

Remember though she might also have dementia or ASD.