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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to go on holiday with MIL?

29 replies

Incogni2 · 05/03/2023 13:14

Changed name .

So MIL is pleasant enough, a bit bossy at times, but we haven't had any big issues. We have a wedding abroad this year and my DH wanted to bring MIL to babysit whilst we were at wedding. It was going to be a quick visit but it turns out I will now be able to get time off work so could stay longer.

DH wanted to stay on in the area for a bit of a holiday. When he made it clear it was with MIL, I said no, a holiday for that length of time wasn't doable. DH thought it would be nice to spend time there so MIL can spend time with our child and her family is from the area and mentioned it to her before clarifying the situation with me. Seemed she was excited about it, which makes me feel a bit bad to say no.

But I put myself out of the way previously and the situation ended up being far too much for all of us, so refusing to repeat my mistake.

OP posts:
squashyhat · 05/03/2023 13:17

You don't have to stay on after the wedding. Come home and leave them to it.

billy1966 · 05/03/2023 13:18

I think your husband was very wrong to speak out of turn.

You want to protect your relationship with her by NOT putting yourself in a position that risks it AGAIN.

He's made this mess.

HE fixes it.

fmpc · 05/03/2023 13:52

Sorry, but you were willing to go away with her so she could babysit for you

But not willing to spend a few days afterwards with her in a place she has a connection to ?

Original poster
Incogni2 · 05/03/2023 14:00

fmpc · 05/03/2023 13:52

Sorry, but you were willing to go away with her so she could babysit for you

But not willing to spend a few days afterwards with her in a place she has a connection to ?

Actually I wasn't really willing to. DH had to really convince me to agree as it's a family wedding on my side and I felt a bit bad about the idea of leaving her by herself at times when we would be doing wedding things with baby.

But the plan was for her to join us for the four days so we could have a day either end with her then the two wedding days with my family and her babysitting the baby on evening of wedding. Which I did agree to, as in my head that was manageable. DH also assured me that I didn't need to worry about leaving MIL for a bit as she was happy to go for walks etc.

But now I can get time off work he wants to have to 4 days and stay another 5 in area with MIL. But for me that's too much and I know things would get too intense for everyone.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 05/03/2023 14:06

To be brutal, you’re happy for her to come and use her babysitter services but not for her to then spend extra days with you? It’s a bit much to say no when you’re happy to use her as a babysitter. Do you really expect her to just meekly go home after she’s looked after your child?

On the other hand, if it hasn’t worked out well previously, I don’t blame you for saying no. You need to ask your Dh to communicate with you better and not organise your life without asking you!

NewNameNigel · 05/03/2023 14:07

fmpc · 05/03/2023 13:52

Sorry, but you were willing to go away with her so she could babysit for you

But not willing to spend a few days afterwards with her in a place she has a connection to ?

I think you need to pay for childcare over there.

I understand why you don't want to go away with her but it's not fair to say she's good enough to provide free babysitting when it's convenient for you but not to spent time with.

Gymnopedie · 05/03/2023 14:24

I understand why you don't want to go away with her but it's not fair to say she's good enough to provide free babysitting when it's convenient for you but not to spent time with.

I think that's a bit unfair. The OP has clarified that she wanted to make other arrangements for babysitting, it was her DH who wanted it. It's him who wants his DM to babysit, and him who wants to extend the holiday with MIL there too.

Although the OP hasn't been specific she's referred to the fact that something like this has happened before and didn't go well. And she says that was 'for all of us', not just for her.

Original poster
Incogni2 · 05/03/2023 14:24

Cherrysoup · 05/03/2023 14:06

To be brutal, you’re happy for her to come and use her babysitter services but not for her to then spend extra days with you? It’s a bit much to say no when you’re happy to use her as a babysitter. Do you really expect her to just meekly go home after she’s looked after your child?

On the other hand, if it hasn’t worked out well previously, I don’t blame you for saying no. You need to ask your Dh to communicate with you better and not organise your life without asking you!

I explained in another post DH had to really convince me to have her come to babysit. I was very against it as I didn't feel comfortable bringing her when she would inevitably be left by herself at times. But we reached a happy medium with 2 days with her and 2 days with my family.

But now there is a chance I can have holiday days DH wanted to stay in area with her. I wanted to go on to another area to spend 4/5 days as it would be more baby friendly would be first time we spent holiday time alone since baby arrived, last year we spent a week with my family and 3 weeks with his. Either way we got wires crossed and he announced the idea of staying on to MIL before clarifying with me.

Also, MIL would not be travelling with us. She loves in country of wedding. So we would be dropping her at train station before we travelled on.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 05/03/2023 15:05

It's only an extra 5 days. It'll fly by. I'd just suck it up for her sake. I go on several holidays with my inlaws every year. They're an Asian family (I'm not Asian) and culturally it's very normal to spend a lot of time together with family (something we struggle with in this country!). But it's always fine. Some minor irritations of course but we just get on with it. I think it's important to put others feelings first sometimes. It would be lovely for her to have a little break with her son and grandchild.

MelchiorsMistress · 05/03/2023 15:19

What would you have done for your family wedding if your mil wasn’t coming to babysit? Is it a child free wedding?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/03/2023 15:26

Now that the MIL has been organised for the babysitting, it would be grossly unkind to essentially say 'off you fuck now', after she's done you a favour.
It is a shame your dh didn't talk to you in advance and find out that your preference would have been another babysitter/your dh not go to the evening. In fact, he's been really controlling and out of order here.

Original poster
Incogni2 · 05/03/2023 16:31

MelchiorsMistress · 05/03/2023 15:19

What would you have done for your family wedding if your mil wasn’t coming to babysit? Is it a child free wedding?

It's not childfree. Baby will be with us for a lot of the day. DH wanted her to take her in evening to put down/stay with till we got back. It's actually caused more problems we hadn't even resolved as my family has sorted accommodationnfpr.us which is full. So MIL will have to stay somewhere else.

Another sibling has a baby of similar age so thought the 4 adults would take it in shifts. To stay with babies maybe. If not she could have a later nap and a later bedtime and I would have been happy to stay.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 05/03/2023 16:44

So it is a wedding on your side and now he has made it more complicated and stressful for you.

Sounds like he doesn't listen to what you say and if he hears it, he just does what he wants anyway.

YANBU to be irritated by this.

DESGUSTING · 05/03/2023 16:47

I'm not sure I'm seeing what is so wrong your with MIL?
You said she's pleasant, abit bossy (aren't we all sometimes) and had no big issues.

She's helping you both by babysitting for you, and an extra few days with her is so horrendous.

She lives in another country so I don't blame your DH for wanting to spend some extra days with her tbh.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/03/2023 16:55

What a mess, honestly I'd just cancel the whole thing or go on my own and DH can babysit at home.

Original poster
Incogni2 · 05/03/2023 17:02

DESGUSTING · 05/03/2023 16:47

I'm not sure I'm seeing what is so wrong your with MIL?
You said she's pleasant, abit bossy (aren't we all sometimes) and had no big issues.

She's helping you both by babysitting for you, and an extra few days with her is so horrendous.

She lives in another country so I don't blame your DH for wanting to spend some extra days with her tbh.

She isn't horrendous, she is pleasant in small doses. The issue is she gets increasingly bossy especially with my child. It gets to the point we're she basically tries to take over and I think tried to undermine me, DH observed this too and agrees she gets too much after a while. I am happy to spend few days with her, which we are. But I'm not happy to spend a whole week with her and certainly not in the back arse of nowhere with no child/baby friendly activities.

And if I'm being honest I am a bit resentful DH has made it about doing this for her when it's a wedding on my family side. And I would have preferred to spend more time with them than leaving to be with her. Especially as we are spending Christmas with her a month later.

At this point I'd prefer to say we don't bring her at all as it's just going to be a lot of hassle and cost and honestly I won't get to enjoy the wedding as much.

OP posts:
ScatmanDave · 05/03/2023 17:08

Are you going to be visiting the country your MIL lives, but don't want to spend any time with her? Apart from when your husband was happy to have her on stand by to babysit your kid?

billy1966 · 05/03/2023 17:10

Incogni2 · 05/03/2023 17:02

She isn't horrendous, she is pleasant in small doses. The issue is she gets increasingly bossy especially with my child. It gets to the point we're she basically tries to take over and I think tried to undermine me, DH observed this too and agrees she gets too much after a while. I am happy to spend few days with her, which we are. But I'm not happy to spend a whole week with her and certainly not in the back arse of nowhere with no child/baby friendly activities.

And if I'm being honest I am a bit resentful DH has made it about doing this for her when it's a wedding on my family side. And I would have preferred to spend more time with them than leaving to be with her. Especially as we are spending Christmas with her a month later.

At this point I'd prefer to say we don't bring her at all as it's just going to be a lot of hassle and cost and honestly I won't get to enjoy the wedding as much.

Show quote history

I think he has behaved very poorly.

Especially if you are spending Christmas with her a month later.

What about suggesting he spends Christmas with her and you and your child will go back home too?

The bringing unnecessary stress to a once off wedding on your side is very selfish IMO OP, and I think you should push back hard.

Your husband is very wrong to do this and he will continue to disregard you and your wishes if you allow him to get away with it.

Original poster
Incogni2 · 05/03/2023 17:13

ScatmanDave · 05/03/2023 17:08

Are you going to be visiting the country your MIL lives, but don't want to spend any time with her? Apart from when your husband was happy to have her on stand by to babysit your kid?

As I have made very clear we are going to a country for a wedding. My plan was never to visit her during this trip as she lives about 4 hours away by train.

We will be spending time a lot of time with MIL on the 3 other occasions we go to this country this year, including Christmas. She is also staying with us for a week during summer. So we are spending plenty of time with her this year, much more than my family. Which is why I'm happy to say that they get priority on this trip and she won't be coming.

OP posts:
ScatmanDave · 05/03/2023 17:22

Isn't that what I said? That it wasn't your plan?!

So this is nothing to do with your MIL, but instead your husband who decided you would be, and invited her?

ScatmanDave · 05/03/2023 17:25

And it's a big drip feed to say you'll be back to MIL 3 more times this year, and then her with you for Xmas.

I think the responses would have been different, because yes, it's understandable why you'd want to solely spend time with your family this time around, if you've got other occasions in the diary already for MIL.

Genie321 · 05/03/2023 17:34

It's worrying you and already putting a downer on the holiday. Your family will be there to help out with the baby on the day of the wedding? Its hard with babies but we all cope somehow! I would say you go and enjoy your holiday and explain to the MIL that you'll do something another time. I know I like just my immediate family and that's fair enough. Address it with her and start looking forward to it!

crazyaboutcats · 05/03/2023 17:39

Incogni2 · 05/03/2023 17:13

As I have made very clear we are going to a country for a wedding. My plan was never to visit her during this trip as she lives about 4 hours away by train.

We will be spending time a lot of time with MIL on the 3 other occasions we go to this country this year, including Christmas. She is also staying with us for a week during summer. So we are spending plenty of time with her this year, much more than my family. Which is why I'm happy to say that they get priority on this trip and she won't be coming.

Show quote history

As someone who lives overseas with my partner I can see the issue here.

It can be really hard to balance time for both families and for yourselves to have actual hoildays rather then just visiting and hosting family.

Thankfully with my DH this isn't an issue between us, but it has been between myself and my Mum as she would gobble up every day we're in Europe leaving none for us or anyone else, and stay with us for weeks/months on end uninvited with 'full guest status' (hotel service) if I let her.

To prevent this I have to be very firm with her and remind if her of all of the other family members we both have and the need for us to spend time together with privacy as a couple.

Speakingofdinosaurs · 05/03/2023 17:50

I think you now just say that as you have the extra days, you are taking the opportunity to change your plans and make it into a proper longer holiday for your own little family.
Get your DH to pass that message on to MIL
You will see MIL at Christmas anyway.
Tell him to NEVER make/change plans without agreeing with you first.

longdistanceclaraaa · 05/03/2023 18:05

I would not be happy about this one bit. You've already gone beyond what you want to do. You already have to factor your MIL in when you'd rather just focus on your own family and your own family occasion.

If this is a country you visit reasonably regularly (I.e. not a once in a lifetime opportunity etc) I'd go back to Plan A and just say that you'll use those 5 annual leave days another time as this is not how you'd choose to use them. You can be brutally honest with your husband about it since he's the one in the wrong. With your MIL you can be more diplomatic and say you can no longer extend the trip for work reasons and your DH can continue to go if he wants or pull back himself too.