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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have this opinion of only children?

43 replies

ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:09

OK I've got an opinion on only children which may be unpopular from what I've read but it's one I hold very strongly and it's this -

I honestly don't think only children 'need' 'friends' any more than children with siblings 'need' 'friends'

I may be flamed for this as in a lot of only child threads a popular response is - "oh they'll be fine if they have the opportunity to make friends". The reason for my views is that friends aren't siblings - but I don't mean this in a bad way for only children because imo children don't 'need' siblings - while of course acknowledging that sometimes - or even hopefully often - the sibling bond can be good in many ways - but that still doesn't mean to say a child 'needs' a sibling bond.
Again, although friends will never be siblings - this is not meant in a bad way for only children as the other side of the coin is - siblings aren't 'friends' in the sense that - surely even if someone has a large number of siblings they need friends just as much as an only child would - because they need a perspective outside the family otherwise it all become too insular. Sometimes siblings can 'protect' each other - but not in a good way - for example I know of a socially awkward/unpopular girl with a sibling - who goes out a lot with her sibling - but thing is - because she spends so much time with her sibling - I feel this (wrongly) shields her from how unpopular she actually is and doesn't allow her to develop and build social skills.

I feel that all the stereotypes about only children being spoilt and lonely are a complete myth and should stop now! - but I also strongly feel that only children don't need friends any more than people with siblings. In fact I imagine quite a few children with siblings are very similar to only children in their day to day lives - that is, that for whatever reason, the sibling is unable to provide much in the way of support/companionship.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 05/03/2023 11:23

I struggled to understand this to be honest - why can't only children and children with siblings have friends? I mean, everyone needs friends to some extent..
Siblings can absolutely be friends in a very healthy way so I'm not sure why you believe they can't be..

PandasAreUseless · 05/03/2023 11:23

I honestly struggle to understand what you've written OP. Perhaps it's just me!
I have one sibling who lives abroad and we've never got on. So I may as well have been an only child.
I don't know if that supports, or goes against, your theory!

Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:25

Rowen32 · 05/03/2023 11:23

I struggled to understand this to be honest - why can't only children and children with siblings have friends? I mean, everyone needs friends to some extent..
Siblings can absolutely be friends in a very healthy way so I'm not sure why you believe they can't be..

I'm saying they can both have friends - I'm saying that they don't need friends any more than children with siblings do

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 05/03/2023 11:26

I also didn't follow you.
I suspect what people mean when they talk about only children having friends is the need for children to learn to socialise, share, navigate people their own age. Of course non-only children need this too but generally have more opportunity to learn with their siblings.

Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:26

Rowen32 · 05/03/2023 11:23

I struggled to understand this to be honest - why can't only children and children with siblings have friends? I mean, everyone needs friends to some extent..
Siblings can absolutely be friends in a very healthy way so I'm not sure why you believe they can't be..

I'm not saying siblings can't be friends - they certainly can but I think a child would also need social experiences outside the family

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 05/03/2023 11:26

Is there a reason this is on your mind to have written a post as descriptive as this?

Every week there's a thread r.e. only kids, childfree vs siblings. I've found people who are generally content with their choices don't need to justify it to others nor do they take umbrage at anyone's views of their choices.

Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:26

Whataretheodds · 05/03/2023 11:26

I also didn't follow you.
I suspect what people mean when they talk about only children having friends is the need for children to learn to socialise, share, navigate people their own age. Of course non-only children need this too but generally have more opportunity to learn with their siblings.

Fair point

OP posts:
FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 05/03/2023 11:27

YABU. Of course only children need friends more than those with siblings because they have no peer interaction at home.

Even if siblings don’t get on they learn from each other and interact with each other.

Okunevo · 05/03/2023 11:27

I had nothing in common with my sibling, DS is an only, so we absolutely had the exact same need for friends. Siblings close in age, such as a two year gap, and with similar interests may have less need to socialise with friends outside of school as they have someone to play with already.

Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:27

PandasAreUseless · 05/03/2023 11:23

I honestly struggle to understand what you've written OP. Perhaps it's just me!
I have one sibling who lives abroad and we've never got on. So I may as well have been an only child.
I don't know if that supports, or goes against, your theory!

Supports my theory - especially the last bit of my OP

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:29

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 05/03/2023 11:27

YABU. Of course only children need friends more than those with siblings because they have no peer interaction at home.

Even if siblings don’t get on they learn from each other and interact with each other.

I think a lot of what you say is true but it's still as important for those with siblings to have friends outside the family

OP posts:
purplediscolove · 05/03/2023 11:29

I have only one child right now and I’m really on the thought path to give her another in 3 years time if possible purely because there’s nothing better than siblings from your mother. I have 3 siblings (from mum) I see and 2 that I don’t (from dad) and although I know she will adapt to what ever life she has she will have me and obviously when older have her own child so she’s not lonely but I am on the beliefs she can survive with and without a sibling from me but I do want that for her

itsgettingweird · 05/03/2023 11:29

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 05/03/2023 11:27

YABU. Of course only children need friends more than those with siblings because they have no peer interaction at home.

Even if siblings don’t get on they learn from each other and interact with each other.

But generally they all go to school.

They get interaction.

Some people who like their own space and company find siblings too much and some who are only children would like more interaction.

It's nothing really to do with only Vs not but mainly down to personality.

Ds and I have very similar personalities. I'm 1 of 3 and he's an only. Worked out better for him Grin

Oysterbabe · 05/03/2023 11:30

All children benefit from having other children to play with. I therefore think it's slightly more important for parents of onlys to ensure there's plenty of opportunities for them to do this. This would also apply to parents of siblings who don't get on or play together.

KimberleyClark · 05/03/2023 11:30

VladmirsPoutine · 05/03/2023 11:26

Is there a reason this is on your mind to have written a post as descriptive as this?

Every week there's a thread r.e. only kids, childfree vs siblings. I've found people who are generally content with their choices don't need to justify it to others nor do they take umbrage at anyone's views of their choices.

Well people can be happy with their choices but if those choices are attacked it’s understandable to want to defend them.

Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:31

purplediscolove · 05/03/2023 11:29

I have only one child right now and I’m really on the thought path to give her another in 3 years time if possible purely because there’s nothing better than siblings from your mother. I have 3 siblings (from mum) I see and 2 that I don’t (from dad) and although I know she will adapt to what ever life she has she will have me and obviously when older have her own child so she’s not lonely but I am on the beliefs she can survive with and without a sibling from me but I do want that for her

I think she can definitely survive without but if you want another child for it's own sake - that's great too

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:32

Oysterbabe · 05/03/2023 11:30

All children benefit from having other children to play with. I therefore think it's slightly more important for parents of onlys to ensure there's plenty of opportunities for them to do this. This would also apply to parents of siblings who don't get on or play together.

Yes fair point

OP posts:
Quveas · 05/03/2023 11:33

ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:27

Supports my theory - especially the last bit of my OP

Show quote history

I'm struggling to understand what your theory is, why it is groundbreaking, and what value it holds for anything. To be honest, I was wondering what you were drinking last night and can I have some of it?

ReddyBrekk · 05/03/2023 11:33

I honestly don't think only children 'need' 'friends' any more than children with siblings 'need' friends

Agreed. DD (only) and I (as one of 4) both need friends. They fulfil a different function to siblings - even if you get on with them.

And we are both happy in our own company too.

Xrays · 05/03/2023 11:35

I’m an only child and I hate everyone 😬🙈 I’m the most introverted person ever, always have been. Used to like to play on my own as a child and used to get annoyed if others wanted to join in. I’m happily married but happy with just dh for company and Mumsnet - which I can switch off when I’ve had enough. No idea if that’s just my character or part of the whole only child thing. But I’m very glad I don’t have any siblings. (I have no family now either, my Mum died in 2019 and I have no other relatives). I don’t like the hassle people bring.

Bustard · 05/03/2023 11:35

No idea what your point is tbh. All children need opportunities to socialise.

Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:36

Bustard · 05/03/2023 11:35

No idea what your point is tbh. All children need opportunities to socialise.

But you've just stated exactly my point!

OP posts:
Teafor1please · 05/03/2023 11:37

I don't think people say this because they think that an only child needs friends like siblings. I think they say it to ensure an only child has the opportunity to develop social skills and sharing etc, as inevitably with just one child you basically do everything with them in mind. They are used to being the centre of their parent's world in many cases.

But obviously an only child will develop socially absolutely fine, through normal childhood interactions.

Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:37

Xrays · 05/03/2023 11:35

I’m an only child and I hate everyone 😬🙈 I’m the most introverted person ever, always have been. Used to like to play on my own as a child and used to get annoyed if others wanted to join in. I’m happily married but happy with just dh for company and Mumsnet - which I can switch off when I’ve had enough. No idea if that’s just my character or part of the whole only child thing. But I’m very glad I don’t have any siblings. (I have no family now either, my Mum died in 2019 and I have no other relatives). I don’t like the hassle people bring.

And this is absolutely fine !

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 05/03/2023 11:37

I was an only child and was allowed to take a friend on days out etc. I benefited from that. We always had a cat which was also beneficial. My eldest was an only for ten years and I did the same with her. My youngest is autistic so I consciously let my middle one have play opportunities. Long term it doesn't matter, so many siblings don't get on, move away etc. I thought that I would have liked a big family until I mixed with big families and saw the drama etc.