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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have this opinion of only children?

43 replies

ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:09

OK I've got an opinion on only children which may be unpopular from what I've read but it's one I hold very strongly and it's this -

I honestly don't think only children 'need' 'friends' any more than children with siblings 'need' 'friends'

I may be flamed for this as in a lot of only child threads a popular response is - "oh they'll be fine if they have the opportunity to make friends". The reason for my views is that friends aren't siblings - but I don't mean this in a bad way for only children because imo children don't 'need' siblings - while of course acknowledging that sometimes - or even hopefully often - the sibling bond can be good in many ways - but that still doesn't mean to say a child 'needs' a sibling bond.
Again, although friends will never be siblings - this is not meant in a bad way for only children as the other side of the coin is - siblings aren't 'friends' in the sense that - surely even if someone has a large number of siblings they need friends just as much as an only child would - because they need a perspective outside the family otherwise it all become too insular. Sometimes siblings can 'protect' each other - but not in a good way - for example I know of a socially awkward/unpopular girl with a sibling - who goes out a lot with her sibling - but thing is - because she spends so much time with her sibling - I feel this (wrongly) shields her from how unpopular she actually is and doesn't allow her to develop and build social skills.

I feel that all the stereotypes about only children being spoilt and lonely are a complete myth and should stop now! - but I also strongly feel that only children don't need friends any more than people with siblings. In fact I imagine quite a few children with siblings are very similar to only children in their day to day lives - that is, that for whatever reason, the sibling is unable to provide much in the way of support/companionship.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ParanoidJo · 05/03/2023 11:37

Hi. I’m an only with an only. My DS interacts fine with friends. Also enjoys his own company and ours and is fun and level headed. Not an issue so far. (DS aged 8).

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 05/03/2023 11:38

ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:29

I think a lot of what you say is true but it's still as important for those with siblings to have friends outside the family

Show quote history

Nobody has said otherwise.

InstagramBitchWife · 05/03/2023 11:38

I'm an only child and I have no idea what you're on about.

cadburyegg · 05/03/2023 11:38

Oysterbabe · 05/03/2023 11:30

All children benefit from having other children to play with. I therefore think it's slightly more important for parents of onlys to ensure there's plenty of opportunities for them to do this. This would also apply to parents of siblings who don't get on or play together.

I'm an only child and I agree with this.

Looking back, the majority of my close friendships as a child were with children who are also onlys, or who have siblings that are considerably older than them

Fuckityfuckfuck123 · 05/03/2023 11:38

Being an only child can be a very lonely experience.
You grow up, no one else in the house except your parents, days out can be less fun. Sitting in the car on the way to journeys is less enjoyable. Life is quieter.

I grew up with siblings but we never had a great relationship. I was like the default patent but without adult status.

I was lonely.

DD was an only child until 14. The difference for her was that we were younger parents, always fucking around lime kids ourselves and seen as "fun" otherwise I imagine it would've been harder for her to not have siblings.

QuertyGirl · 05/03/2023 11:39

Stop trying to put people in boxes. It's bollox

BevMarsh · 05/03/2023 11:40

I'm an only and as a child didn't have many friends and felt quite awkward around peers as i didn't know how to act around them as I was so used to only grown-up company.
All children regardless of whether they have siblings or not need friends but those with siblings definitely had a head start in socialisation and were able to make and keep friends much easier than I was able to do.
This is my lived experience.
I still find it difficult to navigate friendships and feel my childhood was definitely a factor.

Bustard · 05/03/2023 11:41

ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:36

But you've just stated exactly my point!

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You could have cut your op down substantially in that case...

Capybaraaa · 05/03/2023 11:43

Just seems like you're trying to justify something to yourself tbh.

Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:45

Fuckityfuckfuck123 · 05/03/2023 11:38

Being an only child can be a very lonely experience.
You grow up, no one else in the house except your parents, days out can be less fun. Sitting in the car on the way to journeys is less enjoyable. Life is quieter.

I grew up with siblings but we never had a great relationship. I was like the default patent but without adult status.

I was lonely.

DD was an only child until 14. The difference for her was that we were younger parents, always fucking around lime kids ourselves and seen as "fun" otherwise I imagine it would've been harder for her to not have siblings.

Yes agreed - I think being an only child is fine of things are fine - but I do think when things aren't 'fine' - no one possibly knows how they feel. And by not fine I don't actually necessarily mean things like cancer/death - even though this can be tragic - an only child brought up by emotionally healthy, emotionally mature parents will weather this storm - the 'not fine' I'm referring to is more emotional dysfunction- in particular the more extreme cases of family emotional dysfunction

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:45

If** things are fine sorry for typos

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 05/03/2023 11:49

I think it would have made more sense to say that you think children with siblings need friends just as much as only children need friends.

And in some cases that can be true, especially if the age gap is large and the siblings are of different sexes, or genuinely don’t get on.

However for most parents with say three children and more arranging different play dates with outside friends can have practical difficulties, so I guess it’s easier for the parents to just let the siblings do their own thing together some of the time.

But don’t forget that school is a good place for all children to make friends of their own.

I agree that only children don’t necessarily become spoilt, but I think they miss out on that special relationship and some of the benefits and disadvantages that having siblings does. You can never guarantee that siblings will get on in later life. Some do some don’t.

I say this as one of four who has an only child.

So if I have understood you correctly, you make an interesting point and I admit I had previously thought that having siblings generally means you don’t need as many outside friends as an only child.

Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 11:53

Isheabastard · 05/03/2023 11:49

I think it would have made more sense to say that you think children with siblings need friends just as much as only children need friends.

And in some cases that can be true, especially if the age gap is large and the siblings are of different sexes, or genuinely don’t get on.

However for most parents with say three children and more arranging different play dates with outside friends can have practical difficulties, so I guess it’s easier for the parents to just let the siblings do their own thing together some of the time.

But don’t forget that school is a good place for all children to make friends of their own.

I agree that only children don’t necessarily become spoilt, but I think they miss out on that special relationship and some of the benefits and disadvantages that having siblings does. You can never guarantee that siblings will get on in later life. Some do some don’t.

I say this as one of four who has an only child.

So if I have understood you correctly, you make an interesting point and I admit I had previously thought that having siblings generally means you don’t need as many outside friends as an only child.

Thank you - just out of interest - what do you feel are the potential disadvantages of having siblings ?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 05/03/2023 12:00

We all need friends. Regardless of whether or not we have siblings.

toomuchlaundry · 05/03/2023 12:01

Sibling relationships can be very different to friends relationships. DB and I never got on from a very early age, always squabbling, winding each other up and even fighting. Never did that with friends. So not sure siblings learn good social interactions with each other!

BungleandGeorge · 05/03/2023 12:14

Children need to socialise and interact with other children. Both children they like and get on with and those they don’t. If they live in a house with other children (siblings or otherwise) of course they’re going to have a lot more opportunity to do that. If the child only lives with adults then yes if necessary to provide more opportunities for them to socialise with other children

Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 12:14

LlynTegid · 05/03/2023 12:00

We all need friends. Regardless of whether or not we have siblings.

Agreed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenThighs · 05/03/2023 13:03

@Itsgettingweird - agreed I think sociability is more down to personality than presence or absence of siblings !

OP posts:
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