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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to hen

73 replies

irishgalx · 04/03/2023 14:27

My partner brother is getting married soon.
His wife to be has known me basically her whole life. we used to be quite friendly until she said things about me a number of times to my partner and her partner which was all lies. However, I just ignored it but she created a very hostile situation for me a her soon to be husband who has basically told me that he didn’t like me but now does.

I have tried to have a relationship with her and would be really good to her children who have been told by her not to call me auntie LOL.

I am the only one who hasn’t been invited to the hen party after being invited by her MIL whose whole family and friends have been invited.

AIBU to be annoyed it more the principle of being left ouT that has upset me and more so my mil has asked me and then did not speak to me when it was booked only for my partner asking me about it assuming I had booked on.

OP posts:
SexTrainGlue · 04/03/2023 15:09

She doesn't like you.

But everyone is prepared (it seems) to behave well enough that there's no open rift. That's worth holding on to

Don't let your partner upset the apple cart by making a fuss.

SexTrainGlue · 04/03/2023 15:11

irishgalx · 04/03/2023 15:09

I don’t want to go to the wedding now I feel like im not wanted there either.

Show quote history

Quite possibly you're not.

But for the sake of your DP and your future, is it really a good idea to refuse to go?

CremeEggThief · 04/03/2023 15:11

But you are being selfish OP, because you are expecting her to put aside her dislike of you on a special occasion for her.

Why should she have to consider your feelings at this time? This is HER day and she shouldn't have to have people she doesn't like there.

Also, as I already said, the levels of drink involved could lead to chaos! She might not start on you herself, but it's quite possible some of her family and close friends might take it on themselves to tell people a few home truths once drink has been consumed! And nobody wants to have to cope with the aftermath of that!

Far better all round to try to build your bridges in a less emotionally charged situation with little or no booze involved.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 04/03/2023 15:12

She's just not that into you.

GoodChat · 04/03/2023 15:12

well no you're probably not wanted at the wedding - because neither the bride nor the groom particularly like you.

Original poster
irishgalx · 04/03/2023 15:13

CremeEggThief · 04/03/2023 15:11

But you are being selfish OP, because you are expecting her to put aside her dislike of you on a special occasion for her.

Why should she have to consider your feelings at this time? This is HER day and she shouldn't have to have people she doesn't like there.

Also, as I already said, the levels of drink involved could lead to chaos! She might not start on you herself, but it's quite possible some of her family and close friends might take it on themselves to tell people a few home truths once drink has been consumed! And nobody wants to have to cope with the aftermath of that!

Far better all round to try to build your bridges in a less emotionally charged situation with little or no booze involved.

If it was my hen and I done that she would make a whole song and dance about it that’s how she is

OP posts:
Aprilx · 04/03/2023 15:15

It would not occur to me that I should receive an invitation to the hen do of a woman my husband’s brother is about to marry! Tenuous to say the least and I certainly wouldn’t expect an invite if I knew she didn’t like me and I didn’t like her.

Also you are not Auntie to her children, why would they call you Auntie? 🤪

CremeEggThief · 04/03/2023 15:15

There you go then, OP.
You wouldn't want her at your occasion either! Let her crack on and accept it's probably for the best and spend your time with people you like and who like you.

Original poster
irishgalx · 04/03/2023 15:16

GoodChat · 04/03/2023 15:12

well no you're probably not wanted at the wedding - because neither the bride nor the groom particularly like you.

When she isn’t there the groom and I get along very well- he even said me me when she isn’t there I really do like you as a person and your very good to my children

OP posts:
Original poster
irishgalx · 04/03/2023 15:18

Aprilx · 04/03/2023 15:15

It would not occur to me that I should receive an invitation to the hen do of a woman my husband’s brother is about to marry! Tenuous to say the least and I certainly wouldn’t expect an invite if I knew she didn’t like me and I didn’t like her.

Also you are not Auntie to her children, why would they call you Auntie? 🤪

Well to me I’m there auntie I have been a part of their lives from they were born. Her brothers and sisters partners in the same situation as me are referred to as Auntie and uncle. Clear difference being made towards me

OP posts:
FourFour · 04/03/2023 15:19

irishgalx · 04/03/2023 14:48

It’s the principle of the situation and to try and mend the relationship to make things a bit better.

What principle ? And there's no rules about what anyone should do. It's not nice, but she doesn't sound nice and you shouldn't expect anything of her.

excelledyourself · 04/03/2023 15:19

You don't like her, and she doesn't like you. Why would you expect her to invite anyone she doesn't like to her hen party?

I think this is more about your ego than about 'principles', because I can't for the life of me see what the principle would be.

As for your partner, he can still have a relationship with his brother, regardless of your relationship with her.

GoodChat · 04/03/2023 15:22

Have you tried to bury the hatchet with her?

Peachy2005 · 04/03/2023 15:23

Be happy you aren’t invited…people like this cannot be placated and you’re wasting your time. In time she will show her true colours to the whole family and you’ll be happy you didn’t waste any more time on her.

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 15:23

Why is she having people at her hen do who she doesn't know?

FiddleLeaf · 04/03/2023 15:24

It’s her hen and you don’t get on.
YABU to expect a token invite.

What has really cause the hostility?

Original poster
irishgalx · 04/03/2023 15:26

GoodChat · 04/03/2023 15:22

Have you tried to bury the hatchet with her?

A whole number of times- her partner told me she can’t get in to a I career she wants to do. I currently in that career at a high level and offered to help her but she blanked me like I went out of my way to message her.

I always try to talk to her but I’m blanked but when we are around his family she can’t be any nicer it’s weird

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 04/03/2023 15:26

irishgalx · 04/03/2023 14:48

It’s the principle of the situation and to try and mend the relationship to make things a bit better.

I'm not sure what you mean by its the principle. It's no more down to her than you to mend the situation. She's confident that you'll not dpoil her wedding as she's invited you as her SIL. A hen do is different. I bet your nsns not going either. She wants to be surrounded by people who get on. Chances she your gonna be in enforced company for weekend and it's gonna be intense. Slow and steady is best. Go to the wedding, chose a thoughtful present, complement her on her colour scheme/flowers/dress etc....and smile....few years time chances are you will be auntie to each others children.
Or avoid the wedding and blank her and say goodbye to a reconciliation...your choice

Original poster
irishgalx · 04/03/2023 15:27

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 15:23

Why is she having people at her hen do who she doesn't know?

Because she really has no real friends it’s his mums friends and her partners friends partners

OP posts:
GoodChat · 04/03/2023 15:29

Honestly then I think you've dodged a bullet by not being invited @irishgalx (and sorry for being a bit harsh earlier). I'd go to the wedding and not worry about the hen as she sounds jealous and bitter.

Penguinsaregreat · 04/03/2023 15:29

I would distance myself completely.
Don’t buy her children anything, leave all that to your oh and tell him after this you will not be making any effort with her or her family at all.
Don’t go to her house, why would you? Tell your oh he can please himself but you are through. If you happen to end up at the same events then you will be civil and will not cause a scene but that’s as far as it goes.

InstagramBitchWife · 04/03/2023 15:29

Sounds like she just doesn't like you unfortunately op!

This happens in life, the best thing you can do is stop caring, and stop thinking about what YOU think she should do.

Wouldn't you feel super awkward if she invited you against her will knowing that you weren't really wanted? I'd rather give it a miss. Not all family relationships are sunshine and roses.

excelledyourself · 04/03/2023 15:34

I would give the wedding a miss too. Weddings can be expensive to attend. I wouldn't spend my money on someone I had mutual dislike for. Never mind having to gush over them for a full day.

AbsolutelyNebulous · 04/03/2023 15:36

From what you’ve said here she couldn’t make it clearer that she can’t stand you unless she punched you in the face! So why on earth are you surprised or upset that a person who obviously does not like you doesn’t want to socialise with you??

Just leave it.

There’s no relationship to mend, you don’t have to be friends and if there are family occasions where you have to be in each other’s company then you do polite small talk and move on.

Thekirit · 04/03/2023 15:47

Family not liking each other is not unusual.
She doesn’t have to invite you to anything if she doesn’t like you.
Her choice not yours
YABVU

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