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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why do people do/what’s wrong with me

45 replies

WalkinginNemphis2 · 04/03/2023 08:48

For some reason people don’t seem to warm to me. Went out for friends birthday night last night.

There were to be people there whom I Knew and some I didn’t. I walked into the venue with another lady who I know but knew no one else who’d arrived at that point did. If that makes sense!

As soon as I walked up to group and smiled I got a shot of hostility from one woman who I didn’t know almost immediately. It really threw me off guard. But I continued to introduce the lady who’d come in with me to the people I knew and myself to the people I didn’t as I was doing this the woman in question was looking at me like 😏…very obviously. I don’t know her from adam!

Continued with the night and tried to chat to her (I’ve just moved to the area my DC will go to the same school as her older ones next year so wanted to try make an effort) but she was actually really quite rude to me. Like properly rude at one point.

It wasn’t just her she was lovely to another two women whom she didn’t know and was even organising a play date with one by the end of the evening, but wouldn’t give me the time of day.

I’ve had this happen a few times before, genuinely do not know what I did wrong as it started before I’d even opened my mouth. It’s really knocked me and put me off socialising with them which is a shame as I really like some of the others.

OP posts:

Mamamia7962 · 04/03/2023 08:52

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. What did the woman say to you that was rude.

Ponoka7 · 04/03/2023 08:58

Don't make socialising with them all about her.

TellSomeoneElse · 04/03/2023 09:01

Well, that’s only one person surely? And while it must not have been very pleasant, she doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes people just don’t like you, for whatever reason.

5128gap · 04/03/2023 09:02

You say people don't warm to you, but you mean one woman in a sizeable group didn't and you got on with the others?
You say its happened before, do you mean once or twice or pretty much everytime you meet new people?
Is there anything about you that you think may be causing people to be discriminatory or judgemental? Your race, weight, accent, appearance? Do you present as very wealthy or much less well off than the others in the group?

Standbyguest · 04/03/2023 09:04

Maybe she had heard something about you previously she didn't like, or she thought you were someone else.

Rose424 · 04/03/2023 09:04

Are you attractive?

Brefugee · 04/03/2023 09:05

why did you persist trying to talk to the one woman who wasn't interested and just not leave her alone? perhaps she doesn't like meeting new people?

Octonaut4Life · 04/03/2023 09:07

It sounds like one unfriendly person. If she was giving you unfriendly vibes why did you bother trying to make friends with her? Just ignore and carry on with your night. Maybe she hates women with short hair, or you reminded her of the woman who had an affair with her husband or something equally ridiculous!

RudsyFarmer · 04/03/2023 09:08

in my experience there’s usually something about you the other person is reacting negatively to. Sometimes it’s your aesthetic , sometimes your perceived lifestyle/job/financial situation, sometimes something they’ve heard, sometimes your kids behaviour.

For me it was usually being perceived as ‘loud’ when I was anything but, so over time I’d make friends slowly when people released I wasn’t leary and full of myself.

Just stick with it. Keep acting as you would be, friendly but guarded around this woman and over time you may find it resolves. Sometimes the slow burner of friendships are the most long term.

Youraccountisnolongervalid · 04/03/2023 09:09

Perhaps she’ll just turn into one of those ‘I thought you were a bitch when I first met you’ friends?

Rose424 · 04/03/2023 09:10

OP said that people don't seem to warm to her. It is more likely to be something about the OP that is causing this, rather than anything about this one particular woman in the example.
Since OP says she smiles and is friendly, I would say it's likely to be one of two things. Other people feel intimidated by OP, or they feel jealous.

DramaLlama20 · 04/03/2023 09:11

I would assume you are a model looking type and they're jealous.

Brefugee · 04/03/2023 09:11

from the OP i would say that the thing the woman took against was OP persistently trying to talk to her.

OP do you do that a lot, focus on one person? If so, after a minute or two, when you get That Vibe, move on. Don't pester them. I'd be annoyed if someone did that to me.

Greenfairydust · 04/03/2023 09:16

It is about her not you.

Although is someone is unfriendly I would simply ignore them rather than try to get them to connect.

It might be that she reacts like that because you are more attractive/successful or quite different from her and she is just a miserable/envious/judgemental type.

Or someone could have been spreading some gossip behind your back and she believed it.

Frankly don't worry yourself about this. not everyone you meet is going to be your friend...

Siennahh · 04/03/2023 09:28

What do you mean by shot of hostility, and really rude? What did she actually do?

SBHon · 04/03/2023 09:32

As much as I’d try not to let it, this would bug me too. How similar (or dissimilar) are you to this person?

Octomingo · 04/03/2023 09:39

Are you, maybe, misreading their responses?

BellePeppa · 04/03/2023 09:49

It’s weird when this happens. When my kids were at primary one of the mums took a real dislike to me even though I didn’t know her. If I smiled and said hello when walking past (as an acknowledgment of her presence) she’d give me dirty looks then smile and chat to other mums close by. It was so so weird. I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me, we were just ‘mums’ at the school gate. Even if we happened to pass in the high street she’d give me a dirty look. She couldn’t have mistaken me for someone else (who and why?) It was disconcerting and will forever be a mystery to me.

FirstTimeMum6666 · 04/03/2023 10:04

If you're attractive you will get this straight from the get go some women can't contain their jealousy and will show it straight away. Just keep smiling straight at her it annoys them more. Stay friends with the nice ones and try arranging to do something with them. Don't let her get you down.

picklemewalnuts · 04/03/2023 10:06

Some people find the level of confidence that I was brought up to call 'good manners' intimidating. They feel you are trying to take charge. Walking in and introducing people to each other, and yourself to them, isn't always the norm.

I no longer do it, and find I am left to wait indefinitely until I find out someone's name. Ditto, when someone walks up to a group, I was taught you should open it up and allow them to join, not steadfastly ignore their arrival. But that is often the norm these days.

I find it really hard work, when other people don't oil the wheels, socially.

Original poster

WalkinginNemphis2 · 04/03/2023 11:03

@5128gap no we were all similar aged (with 10 years of each other), mainly mums, all white similar socially I would have said.

OP posts:

Moonicorn · 04/03/2023 11:04

As soon as I walked up to group and smiled I got a shot of hostility from one woman who I didn’t know almost immediately. It really threw me off guard.

What is a ‘shot of hostility’?

SoGladofYou · 04/03/2023 11:20

What is a ‘shot of hostility’?
I suppose it’s a vibe.

Original poster

WalkinginNemphis2 · 04/03/2023 11:22

@Greenfairydust and @RudsyFarmer i don’t think I’ve lived here long enough or down anything remotely interesting enough for anyone to have any gossip on me 😂😅, ditto kids one still a young toddler and one only been at pre-school since the late summer last yr. this women’s kids are quite a few yrs older.

OP posts:

Hbh17 · 04/03/2023 11:26

People are just all different, so I wouldn't overthink it. None of us needs to be popular.

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