Please can someone help with money advice...leaving abuser and stuck.

[Goneagain]

Hi all,

I'm posting here for traffic but I'm at rock bottom so please be kind.

I'm at the stage of leaving my emotionally (and marginally physically) abusive partner. Well he's basically left me again (he does this quite regularly) because I said something he didn't like. He's said unless I admit to being emotionally abusive he's not coming and I'll have nowhere to live and won't be able to afford the bills". If I say sorry, we won't separate.
After him shouting at me last night that I'm a fucking bitch, fucking twat. I'm not apologising.

I really need some money advice.
So I pay bills he pays rent.
I can't afford the rent. It's 1500 a month.

I feel I'm stuck and in a catch 22, so hoping someone has some advice to help me break free

I can't move out because

1. There are hardly any rentals
2. Rental costs are high and until I have proof I can afford a property, my application will not be accepted. I should have enough to move out if I also get universal credit but I would have to in receipt of it and show it as proof I can afford rent alone. I'm stuck. I can't stay in this house alone for a few months, claim UC and then move out because it's way too expensive here. My 'ex" partner has said he'll pay 3 months rent for me to move out but if he pays my rent then surely I won't be eligible for UC. Even if I am, surely it'll be at a much lesser amount and then I wont have evidence I can afford to live alone.

I have no savings. I have no family nearby. Working more isn't really an option because I have nobody for childcare. My NHS job has no more hours at the moment and even if they did, I don't know how I'd do it. I already work an evening a week and my partner won't be having my son. So I've no idea how I'll even do that.

Won’t they just ask how much the rent is, rather than who has paid this rent?

Sorry, I have no clue. I’m just bumping for you in the hope someone can come along and advise. I would also make this post in relationships as some people avoid AIBU but there are lots of really knowledgeable posters on the relationships board. Maybe contact C.A.B too?

I hope you can get some help so that you can start a new life with your DC.

Sounds like you need to get put ASAP...especially if you have children....can you refer yourself in to early help team for support? Have you contacted your local DV support service.....these can often support with housing

Thank you for your reply. I'm not sure how it works. I've done the online calculator and it asks nothing about who pays the rent but I assume having someone pay your rent for you would effect the UC claim.
I don't want to accidentally commit benefit fraud!

@kitcat15 no I haven't contacted anyone. Im pretty much at rock bottom at the moment and don't want to discuss the abuse. He'll try and destroy me. He tells everyone I'm mentally ill.

Contact Women's Aid asap. I know its not ideal but you could move into a refuge and from there look for social housing.
Women leaving an abusive relationship are entitled to help ending their rental agreement, and may also be able to take 2 weeks leave from work.

Well done for deciding that you are wirth more than this. Women's aid with give you both practical and emotional support and help you stay safe. There is a way to do this even though it feels like there isn't. You can do this with the right support

If he gives you a lump sum for 3 months' rent this shouldn't impact your UC entitlement as you're allowed some savings.

((Hugs)) been where you are. Your braver than you give yourself credit for.

I put into the google. Financial help uk. Heaps of help for you out there.
ring a Crisis help line. Explain your situation and they’ll give you advice. It’s all anonymous.

your in crisis so you qualify for a one fo payment of $1500.
How to get Universal Credit loophole $1,500?
Advance Payment

You will need to: explain why you need an advance. verify your identity (you do this when you apply online or on the phone with a work coach) provide bank account details for the advance (talk to your work coach if you cannot open an account)

you also qualify for something called universal credit. I’m assuming that’s our version of Centrelink over here.

also this - Who is eligible for the 500 pound one off payment?
If you're part of a working household that receives tax credits, you may be eligible for a new one-off payment of £500. The new payment is being introduced to provide extra support when the temporary increase in Working Tax Credit ends as planned on 5 April 2021. - you work so this may apply to you

and this - What financial help can I get UK?
Get help paying for food
Universal Credit - but only if your household earns £408 a month or less.
Income Support.
income-based Jobseeker's Allowance.
income-related Employment and Support Allowance - but only if you're pregnant.
Pension Credit.
Child Tax Credit - but only if your household earns £16,190 a year or less.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk › ...
Get help with the cost of living - Citizens Advice

I'm on the other side of the world unfortunately. I hope some of this helps

good luck, keep us posted.
and .. Fuck him off. You and your children deserve better than that twatwaffle

Call Shelter, they can help with this. Good luck, and stay strong. Whatever happens this is a horrible relationship and you are better off out of it.

Been in a similar position. Contact NCDV for advice re obtaining a non-molestation order. Put in a claim for UC, then you can apply for an advance. It is possible to do this but you will need help from outside agencies eg. for showing 'gateway evidence' to assist with financial support.

Shelter and Womens Aid can help with getting out and the council. If you are leaving DV you may be placed in a refuge. That would likely be covered by housing benefit (which still exists in limited circumstances depending on your income and savings.)

If you can exclude your partner from your current property then you would be able to get an amount for you to live on UC then for the rent and the children and possibly childcare. Your housing element would usually be based on half the rent and then limited to local housing allowance but you can ask for that to increase through UC or help from the council.

If you ex pays the rent to you and you pay directly to the landlord while you live there you can explain to UC. If you feel able to you can tell UC about the abuse and they can ensure not speaking to your ex. (They won’t generally anyway but an extra layer.)

I know there is a lot there and it may feel overwhelming. Just regarding benefits call Help to Claim part of citizens advice. They can talk you through options and explain more detail from above. There is webchat if that is easier 0800 1448444.

If you feel able to tell people irl such as GP then you may be eligible for Legal aid

Oh and well done and good luck OP

Thank you for the replies. I won't be applying for a non molestation order or anything where I have to officially report him. He'll just turn it all on me anyway and I can't cope.
I appreciate the advice about who to contact, I'll look into those numbers on Monday.

Oh good, the part-time abusive doctor again!

At least he's finally done you a favour and left you, as you were never going to leave him and your kids need removing from the toxic environment they've endured for years.

I really hope you manage to stay away from him.

There's been so much great advice on your dozens of threads that you have plenty of avenues of help to explore. Good luck!

On the non molestation if you haven’t could you get some advice on it? You can still decide not to go ahead.

The problem is that he will pay the rent directly as he does not, so not to me.

He's so decided I now need to work Mondays and Fridays 9.30-2.30 to pay more towards the house. Despite him wanting such an expensive house. I've also always offered to work more. He's obviously chosen the nursery hours do he doesn't have to do childcare.
However I don't know how he expects me to work more hours if he's leaving. I have zero childcare for school holidays. I can't even do the nursery run and get to clinic on time if he's not coming back.

He's sent me all this via text. So our son has no idea when he's seeing his dad, we haven't told the children we have split etc. However if I just apologise for being an abuser. He will come back.

I appreciate that you're feeling at rock bottom and not feeling like contacting anyone about this right now, but it's only likely to worsen if you stay in the same situation.
Many suggestions above - Women's Aid seems a good place to start; they work with women in your situation and probably far worse; they can hopefully help you put together a plan of action - and possibly more helpfully give you more confidence about approaching other agencies that you need to to start you journey out of your current situation.

Have you looked into hospital accomodation?

Also, what am I supposed to say in response to his text messages? I've no idea what's going on.
The last thing he sent was that I needed to apologise or we are separating and I need to find somewhere else to live.
The last (two times) he did this, I said I wasn't apologising and as we are 2 adults with a child, this is a face to face conversation as we need to sort logistics. However if he does not want to come back, then that's his decision".
After 3 days of nasty messages about how I'm mentally ill, sending 10 plus paragraphs of messages in a row that I didn't reply too...he eventually decided that he would come back so we could talk.
He walked in and tried groping me. No mention of anything.

I don't know what to do thiS time. I don't know when my son is seeing his dad or if I can go to work. I've no idea what to say! And I don't want days of this not knowing anything.

I don't have a hospital job, it wouldn't be an option. Thank you for the suggestion though.

Just stop engaging with him. You don’t need to apologise. You don’t need to talk. You just need to work out how to leave.

Is he back now? When is he leaving again?

No, he's not back. He was never going to be back until at least tomorrow but he won't come back tomorrow as I've not apologised. I'm visiting family 2 hours away

Well you reply to the text. Yes we need to talk about the separation. the relationship is unhealthy and WE need to plan this. I’ll not be moving out yet. But will as soon as I sort out what help I’m entitled to.

Indeed. The only reply you should be sending is “I’ve booked to speak to a solicitor next week and will speak to you after that. Until then, please can you stay with [relative name] so that we both have space?”

May not help financially but my NHS trust has a domestic abuse policy, could you confide in your (or a) manager? You may be able to get some paid leave.