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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- close friend couldn't remember if I told her about Father's cancer

41 replies

Mumma212 · 03/03/2023 21:38

My Father has recently been diagnosed with cancer.

I haven't made a purposeful point of phoning my close friends to tell them this but when I've seen them or spoken to them I've generally mentioned it in conversation as you do when having a 'catch up'.

One of my friends that I speak frequently messaged me to invite me to pop over hers for coffee this afternoon.
I explained that I couldn't because I was going to see my Father and didn't want to let him down.
I then said "I told you about his cancer didn't I?"
To which she replied "Umm can't remember, you might have."

Instantly I felt quite hurt that she couldn't remember if she knew or not.
Then I thought well actually I'm not certain if I've told her or not so AIBU for feeling hurt?

As I have told close friends as and when I've seen them or during phone calls so it's multiple people and I can't always remember what I have or haven't discussed with different friends.
I'm probably that annoying friend who repeats stories because I'm not sure of I've told you already or not but I felt sad that she thought I might have told her but she just forgot about it.

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 03/03/2023 21:43

This would upset me

XenoBitch · 03/03/2023 21:44

Maybe she has a lot going on in her life too.

HaroldTheStallion · 03/03/2023 21:46

I'm unbelievably forgetful as I have adhd and I'm afraid I might do this to someone completely not wanting to be a hurtful selfish jerk. Could your friend have adhd?

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 21:47

Then I thought well actually I'm not certain if I've told her or not so AIBU for feeling hurt? If you can't remember either, I think you're being unreasonable.

It sounds like you didn't tell her, then thought you had, and she panicked.

I'll be honest, I try really hard but I do forget a lot more stuff these days than I did ten years ago. I like to think I would remember something so important, but I wouldn't bet my mortgage on it.

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 21:48

I'm sorry about your dad Flowers

Evanna13 · 03/03/2023 21:49

It sounds like you didn't tell her, but she doesn't want to make you feel bad about not telling her so she said maybe......

WeWereInParis · 03/03/2023 21:50

If you can't remember telling her then I think it sounds like you didn't, but she didn't want to just say "no" in case you actually had.

Frazzledmummy123 · 03/03/2023 21:53

If you told her and she forgot then yanbu, that is really shitty. You did say though, you aren't sure if you told her so she might have panicked in case you did. That said, it still sounds a bit off as that was you telling her and she sounded quite casual about something so big. I'd expect her to say something along the lines of "oh my goodness, no you didn't tell me".

JumbleSailor · 03/03/2023 21:53

Sounds like you didn't actually tell her but then she second guessed herself because of the way you phrased the question. I could see myself doing something similar, like "Erm, I'm not sure. I don't think so?".

DoNotGetADog · 03/03/2023 21:54

Maybe you did tell her? You can remember if you did or not, so she may not either.

Unfortunately a lot of people (and especially a lot of people’s parents) are diagnosed with cancer and you’re probably not the only person she knows whose parent has some kind of cancer.

I don’t think she would be totally unreasonable to have forgotten or not be sure. I don’t think you should feel hurt.

I hope he recovers well.

RobinRobinMouse · 03/03/2023 21:59

I agree with @JumbleSailor , she was probably trying to be kind. I think it's easy to feel hurt when you are in such a difficult and emotional situation though. My own memory is becoming very poor , I wouldn't ever mean offence but I genuinely sometimes can't remember if I've been told things.

Charley50 · 03/03/2023 22:07

Sorry about your dad Flowers I feel bad but I have forgotten friend's family members serious illnesses occasionally. As you get older so many people are ill and have cancer, it's sometimes hard to remember. My brother died and for years a close childhood friend thought it was my other brother. I don't hold it against them. Everyone has their own stuff going on.

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 22:14

If you can't remember whether you've told her either, you can't have had much of a conversation about it so, on that basis, I think YABU.

I hope your dad gets well soon.

Scuttlingherbert · 03/03/2023 22:22

Do you have any mutual friends? Could she have heard it from someone else but didn't want to seem like she'd been gossiping?

I would be offended though.

Coyoacan · 03/03/2023 22:26

So many people survive cancer nowadays, I've even caught myself forgetting my own brush with cancer.

Randomhead · 03/03/2023 22:28

Sounds like you didn’t tell her and she panicked.

Testina · 03/03/2023 22:30

If you can’t even remember yourself, definitely unreasonable of you.
Hope your dad makes a full recovery.

LachrymoseLeeches · 03/03/2023 22:30

I'm sorry about your dad.

Unfortunately now I'm in my 40s a lot of friends' parents have been diagnosed with serious illness, including my own. If you're a similar age I can see how she might have forgotten, especially if you didn't have a particularly long conversation about it.

Namachanga · 03/03/2023 22:32

YABU. You can’t remember if you told her so why is it so offensive that she can’t remember if you told her? You’re literally annoyed with her for not being able to remember something that probably didn’t even happen! Good luck to your dad - I’ve been there, fight the good fight.

youshouldnthaveasked · 03/03/2023 22:35

Sorry to read about your Dad. My Dad got diagnosed last year and it consumed me for a while. It’s a difficult time, you’re probably over sensitive and understandably so.

If it was the first time she’d heard you discuss it I’d have probably expected a more sympathetic response

VictorStrand · 03/03/2023 22:35

Maybe she did know but when you asked, she panicked that she wasn't supposed to know. That happened with my siblings sometimes. I'd know what had happened in their life but couldn't remember if they'd told me personally or if another relative had told me so I'd fudge it when they brought it up.

Quisquam · 03/03/2023 22:37

When I am stressed, the first thing to go, is my short term memory! Maybe your friend has her own stresses? If you can’t remember if you told her or not, it’s unfair to blame her if she can’t remember?

KievsOutTheOven · 03/03/2023 22:41

Scuttlingherbert · 03/03/2023 22:22

Do you have any mutual friends? Could she have heard it from someone else but didn't want to seem like she'd been gossiping?

I would be offended though.

This.

I’ve often heard things like this from a second hand source. Not that we have been gossiping, more that it is being discussed from a place of concern.

So it may be that friend knew; but didn’t know if you had told them, or didn’t want to put another friend on the spot for having told her.

IWineAndDontDine · 03/03/2023 22:42

I wouldn't be upset at this. She might have had a thousand different conversations with a thousand close friends. She might have had loads of bad news amongst her inner circle recently and not remember who told her what. She might have been trying to be polite. Or she might have heard it from someone else but didn't want to act like she was talking about your situation without you. Either way, I know it feels like your whole world is on fire, as horrible as it sounds, it's not her world, she might have other things going on. So long as the friendship is strong in other ways, I wouldn't let this hurt your feelings. Sorry to hear about your father 💐

DaltWisney · 03/03/2023 22:45

You're upset with a friend because she can't remember if you told her something, but you can't even remember if you even told her

How on earth can you be mad at someone for doing the very same thing as you?

Maybe she's sat there upset that you didn't tell her, and clearly couldn't remember if you had or not.

Quite hypocritical tbh

(But wish your father well)

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