AIBU- close friend couldn't remember if I told her about Father's cancer

[Mumma212]

My Father has recently been diagnosed with cancer.

I haven't made a purposeful point of phoning my close friends to tell them this but when I've seen them or spoken to them I've generally mentioned it in conversation as you do when having a 'catch up'.

One of my friends that I speak frequently messaged me to invite me to pop over hers for coffee this afternoon.
I explained that I couldn't because I was going to see my Father and didn't want to let him down.
I then said "I told you about his cancer didn't I?"
To which she replied "Umm can't remember, you might have."

Instantly I felt quite hurt that she couldn't remember if she knew or not.
Then I thought well actually I'm not certain if I've told her or not so AIBU for feeling hurt?

As I have told close friends as and when I've seen them or during phone calls so it's multiple people and I can't always remember what I have or haven't discussed with different friends.
I'm probably that annoying friend who repeats stories because I'm not sure of I've told you already or not but I felt sad that she thought I might have told her but she just forgot about it.

"I then said "I told you about his cancer didn't I?"
To which she replied "Umm can't remember, you might have""

To me that might read as "no you didn't tell me, but since you're suggesting that you did, I don't want to accuse you if not telling me"

Or you didn't tell her but she believes it's possible she could have forgotten. Has she met him? It can be hard to remember facts about your friends' friends and family who you've never met - if you have a wide social circle that adds up to a lot of people. And cancer can obviously be very serious or relatively minor, so wouldn't necessarily be must-remember fact.

Not worth being upset over. You might not have told her and she is worried that maybe you did so she doesn't want to say no you didn't. It doesn't really reflect badly on your friend nor does it mean she doesn't care. Don't overthink it. Sorry about your dad

Chances are you didn’t tell her and she is now panicking. Just one of those things, move on, there are literally bigger issues to worry about.

Sorry your dad is unwell, best wishes.
That is something I would say if either a) you hadn’t told me but I’d heard on the grapevine and I didn’t see the sense in having you rehash what I already knew or b) I didn’t know but I didn’t want you to feel awkward at having not told me, given the way you phrased the question.
I don’t think you can be annoyed with her for not knowing if you’d said already (I’m sure she has a lot going on in her life, and the lives of those around her too) if you don’t even know yourself.

OP, as others have said, you also can’t remember if you told her or not.

The reality is that “elderly parents being diagnosed with cancer” happens an awful lot, and when you have a lot of friends, it can be difficult keeping mental tabs on all their various stressful situations and dramas. I’m currently supporting a sibling with a messy divorce, a friend whose husband has kicked her out, another friend whose half sister has an early dementia diagnosis, two friends whose kids are going through the SEN diagnosis mill, someone having a mid life crisis, a cousin having her eggs frozen, a friend who is depressed because she can’t find work and her career has lost direction, several friends struggling with childcare/work issues….. the list goes on. It can also be hard remembering where you’ve heard information, if you have a group of friends and they tend to talk about stuff.

Try to have grace and don’t be a “hard work” friend who gets offended by things easily; you might be the one who drops a ball next time.

I hope your dad responds to treatment well.

Sounds to me like you didn't tell her, you've said "I told you...." And she's panicked that she's forgotten and so covered for herself.

I don't think you can get wound up about it really.

YOU can’t remember! If you can remember and it’s about your life, why should she?

TBF, this is a pretty forgivable situation for both of you cos there’s a lot of stress so be kind to yourself and her. Definitely try not to transfer stress to your friendship.

I'm sorry your Dad is unwell, I hope he has a speedy recovery.

I'd be guilty of this. I am an empathetic person, but I have a terrible memory. I also speak to a lot of people during the week and it all blurs together sometimes.

I would care very much that your dad was sick. I would be there emotionally for you while we were speaking. But if it's been a while and I've seen hundreds of other people in between our last catch up, I might not remember which friend I was talking to about their dad having cancer.

I feel badly about it, but my memory is just terrible.

This is the kind of thing I would say. Then I'd think about it and possibly realise I had been told. I don't have an adhd diagnosis, but based on extensive mumsnetting, I reckon I probably have it. Either that, or I'm plain, old fashioned, forgetful.

People have different things going on in their heads. I find life easier just to accept we're all fallible (apart from the Pope, who is of course, infallible).

All these posts are an education for me, but this one in particular stands out and makes me wonder if I am judging people too harshly.

OP, how good a friend is she? Tbh the fact you can't remember if you told her suggests to me to just forget about it. I also wonder if her reaction is due to having heard it elsewhere.

I think maybe give her a break. I sometimes forget who’s told me what - it could be that a few people have unwell parents or other difficult situations at any given time. If she’s generally a good friend this perhaps isn’t something to dwell on. Sorry to hear about your dad.

Sounds like you didn’t tell her and either she panicked or else she was trying to reassure you. Definitely not something to take offence over. I hope your dad recovers well.

Well you forgot whether you told her, so you can't really be surprised if she did forget, but you don't even know if she did!
FWIW I reckon you probably didn't tell her, because if she knows you well, or knows your Dad, then she probably would remember.
But we can't help what we don't remember. For example, menopause is even worse than baby brain, I've found myself repeating work tasks in a panic forgetting that I've already done them because I did them early. It's horrible. And if someone made an issue about what I'd forgotten, I'd be very upset. So if she did forget, it wouldn't because she doesn't care, but more likely because she has a bad memory ,which could be made worse by stress.

Sorry about your Dad OP. I think you probably didn’t tell her but she was worried that you had done and she’d forgotten - hence the reply
I wouldn’t take offence , I’m sure the situation is stressful enough without falling out with friends over it