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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to spit my dummy out?

36 replies

totallybonafido · 03/03/2023 20:31

I know I am, and I'm being ridiculous, but I'm having a proper strop!!

We were told about our bonus outcome and at work this week. We have a bonus scheme where a set % of any grade can be awarded a bonus uplift. I made an agreement with a colleague to tell each other if we got the uplift - he did and I didn't.

For the last couple of years I have worked on a very high profile project and had great feedback for it. I have presented about it numerous times on big conference calls. My colleague was involved in the project as well but I was the lead.

My colleague has also been involved in other activities, where I'm sure he did a great job, and probably he deserved the uplift, but I really feel like I did too. It's a real kick in the teeth to not get it, as my boss has been telling me for years that I'm the person she relies on, and I'm considered the go to person when anyone needs help.

I'm feeling really down about it, and like I immediately want to stop putting in so much effort and do the bare minimum. The bonus that I got, someone who was considered just satisfactory would have got the same. Considering calling in sick next week and leaving them in the lurch as we're in a really busy period, and if my colleague is so bloody great, he can deal with it. I think I will start looking for other jobs, maybe I've made myself too useful in my current position.

Again, yes, I know that IABU but I've had a big drink and feeling very unappreciated and sorry for myself.

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 03/03/2023 20:33

Do you have a review for the bonus or is it just a judgement call from the powers that be? Maybe he sold his efforts ‘better’

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 03/03/2023 20:35

So raise it with your boss on Monday. They may reconsider.

Original poster
totallybonafido · 03/03/2023 20:37

We do have a review, bit we got rid of ratings recently so no ' meets expectations', 'exceeds expectations' etc anymore. Yes possibly he sold his efforts better, he's the boss's lunch buddy...😡

OP posts:
Original poster
totallybonafido · 03/03/2023 20:38

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 03/03/2023 20:35

So raise it with your boss on Monday. They may reconsider.

Yes I'm going to have a conversation and tell her I'm disappointed, but apparently all decisions are final and nothing will be changed

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 03/03/2023 20:52

I'd just start looking for another job. They've shown you what they think you are worth, time to move onwards & upwards.

passtheolives · 03/03/2023 20:56

Don’t waste your energy on this job

Find somewhere you’re appreciated

you can’t win against workplace cliques

Withnailandeye · 03/03/2023 20:58

I would have the conversation with your line manager on Monday, tell them you feel undervalued, cast aside and it’s made you question your position in the company. If they don’t move for you, go work somewhere else.

ZoeyBartlett · 03/03/2023 21:05

Where I work, those who are unhappy with their bonus and complain and threaten to leave, get the bonus sorted IF they are valued.

Turnipworkharder · 03/03/2023 21:12

Absolutely start looking for another job OP. You've every right to be pissed off.

Original poster
totallybonafido · 03/03/2023 21:48

Ok, the responses make me think that maybe I'm not being totally ridiculous in feeling this way. Good to know.

I've been there nearly 10 years and there's a very flat hierarchy, so very little chance of promotion. If an opportunity did come up, this seems like a warning that I'll be passed over in favour of you know who...I'm sure I'd have been promoted by now anywhere else. Annoyingly, I really need to stay until September as I have an amazing share option coming up then and I'd loose loads of money if I left before it matures

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 03/03/2023 21:57

There’s only going to be a certain number of people who can get the uplift, and it’s often going to be very close. Maybe if there had been ratings last year you’d have got one then? But they only will look at the previous year. Ask for specific feedback- what would have got you to the point where you were awarded the uplift? Did you ask for / receive enough written feedback from others through the right channels? Chances are lots of you are doing a brilliant job and they can only give a portion of those people the uplift. Maybe if you’re been doing this project for a while, they’re now taking it for granted and you should be demonstrating new development areas? Not sure, obv, just trying to think through options.

Have a look elsewhere, weigh up the options and the full set of benefits and if it’s worth moving really, then do that. It’s going to be hard with a flat hierarchy and it makes it even worse if you get disheartened cos it’ll show, and you’ll end up performing less well, and making it worse for yourself.

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 22:08

I'd ask what the parameters are for deciding who does or doesn't deserve the uplift. They must have something that they've graded you against.

katmarie · 03/03/2023 22:21

I would be asking them to be very clear about what exactly I needed to be doing that I wasn't now in order to get that uplift. Ask for specifics of where I didn't meet the grade, and document the whole discussion. Use that as your performance strategy for the next 12 months, and then if you don't get it next time you will know the issue is not you. In the meantime quietly brush up uoir cv and have a look around at what jobs are out there for you.

If they can't be specific about your performance, then the issue isn't you, and I would start putting a plan in place for you to have a new job by the autumn.

TheGoogleMum · 03/03/2023 22:33

I sympathise, this week my less experienced colleague was promoted over me (I'm awaiting my interview feedback, but the only quality he has better than me is confidence. Oh and the department head has shown some favourtism). I feel like quitting too. I've also been loyally working here for nearly 10 years!

Let's hope we both find something better and can move on with no regrets

Original poster
totallybonafido · 01/04/2023 10:57

So coming back to this, I raised my issues with my line manager, who sympathised, but she couldn't do anything. She passed on my comments to her boss, who asked for a call with me yesterday. She couldn't tell me anything specific that I needed to do performance wise in order to get a better outcome next time, and no issues with my work were raised, but at the end she dropped in that at work i don't look happy to be there, and she finds me unapproachable. She said that her boss, the VP, felt similarly. I have always loved working there and asked some close co workers who said I don't seem unapproachable to them. I did kind of jokingly say to her "sorry, that's just how my face looks". So basically I need to leave, if my boss's boss, and her boss, have decided they don't like me. I was too shocked to ask for any further details, but she quickly ended the call after that and I thought I was going to cry so I needed to get off the phone. I'm so upset and don't see how I can carry on there after this.

OP posts:
Liorae · 01/04/2023 10:59

ZoeyBartlett · 03/03/2023 21:05

Where I work, those who are unhappy with their bonus and complain and threaten to leave, get the bonus sorted IF they are valued.

That's a quick way for the OP to decide whether to stay or go.

KeepingKeepingOn · 01/04/2023 11:06

It sounds like they need some unconscious bias training!! They’re literally treating people differently based on subjective and individual perceptions - I’m not an expert, but there’s probably cause for complaint here, if you wanted to go that route?

the other way, if you felt up to it, could be to request a proper conversation, maybe with an HR person, to explore where this perception has come from and what you can both do to address it.

def look for other roles, but don’t be out of pocket by leaving too soon - don’t let them win. I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this.

Usernameisunavailable · 01/04/2023 11:15

That’s shit, OP. I know someone who was passed over for promo/bonus in the same way and went out and got a better job asap. At the exit interview they told the boss exactly why they were leaving. They also told co-workers. This lead to other people also questioning the favouritism where some got bonuses and some didn’t (for no obvious reason) and the company was forced to award a pay rise to everyone to avoid a big staff exodus! Find another job where they value you more and in the meantime, let the favourites do the heavy lifting work wise!

katmarie · 01/04/2023 11:29

Gosh op that's so utterly subjective. What on earth are you supposed to do about that?

I would put in writing the facts of the conversation, and ask for some practical steps you can take to improve performance in their eyes, as you're happy in your work and feel your colleagues are happy with you too.

But honestly it does sound like it's new job time. They will lose your skills and experience because they cant be objective and professional. What a shame.

RudsyFarmer · 01/04/2023 11:31

OrigamiOwls · 03/03/2023 20:52

I'd just start looking for another job. They've shown you what they think you are worth, time to move onwards & upwards.

Completely agree. My OH had a similar situation recently and he’s job hunting. Once they tell you what they think of you it’s time to move on.

Original poster
totallybonafido · 01/04/2023 11:38

I'm so gutted, I don't think I can face going to the office next week so thinking of asking to WFH for a bit. Where my miserable face can't be seen and judged.

My direct manager has told me so many times in the past 10 years that I'm her top performer and the person who should replace her. She let it slip when we talked recently that when they were talking about succession, that her boss and the VP had said that they "weren't sure" about me. I feel so victimised, and like the face comments were so mean and unnecessary. Both of them barely know me, and my boss's boss is hardly ever in the office, and was off recently for several months for personal issues! It used be an amazing place to work and she is destroying the department. I'm not the only one who is not happy.

OP posts:
Sairk · 01/04/2023 14:24

I'd actually be grateful they told you the truth. I'd start looking for a new job OP. There's no fixing that one really.

Beachwalker66 · 01/04/2023 14:54

Honestly, I would take some time off to dust yourself down, then go back and quiet quit. Do the bare minimum you can get away with without getting in trouble.

After September, once you’re absolutely sure that share option is sorted, you look seriously for another job.

Casilero · 01/04/2023 14:59

So literally your face doesn't fit? Fuck them OP. September isn't that far away. How long is your notice period?

Original poster
totallybonafido · 01/04/2023 15:19

Yeah I don't see the point in staying long term, I'm never going to get promoted if the higher ups have decided they just don't like me. The notice period is 3 months.

OP posts:
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