DH doesn’t care about his appearance

[bullgoggy]

He has good hygiene, good manners, nice teeth, well spoken and all of that but his clothes are just hideous. He wears things until they fall apart. He doesn’t give a shit if they go together or not. He looks either ridiculous or scruffy or both. For formal
occasions he wears a suit which he proudly tells anyone cost £59 from
Burtons 15 years ago. It’s shiny. Day to day it’s jeans and a t shirt. Whatever is clean. I can’t buy him clothes and he won’t buy himself new ones because all his old ones are still fine he says. But they’re not! They’re holey and faded. He won’t even put on a button up shirt and some non-jeans for theatre or restaurant and just styles it out somehow. Not that we go anywhere with a dress code but I would feel uncomfortable. But that’s maybe a me problem.

I can’t tell if I’m just being shallow or if it’s actually a bit disrespectful of him to others to not make a jot of effort. In a way I wish I cared less about what other people thought of me but I do care. And I like nice well made clothes.

Well it doesnt sound like he is depressed if he self cares otherwise.
Have you told him you wont be seen in public with him until he smartens up?
Brutal I know...but if nothing else is working.....

If they're clean clothes and he's suitably covered for society then that's fine. Do you want him to dictate what you wear?

My DH is like this. On more than one occasion people have given him money in the street. Sometimes I just buy v plain clothes and leave them out for him.

I'm still wearing clothes that are 20 years old. My standard black dress for formal do's is 30 Years old! They're still intact so why not. But if his clothes are genuinely falling apart then why not subtly remove those items, gradually, and replace them with new ones if it bothers you. If he's that disinterested in what he's wearing then he won't even notice.

If you do his washing could they quietly disappear?

DH is like this too. I do most of the washing, so things sometimes magically 'disappear' if I consider them too revolting to be seen in... I've been doing this for years, he's never noticed, not once in 25 years... I've got an endless supply of household cloths for cleaning from this method 😁

Items belonging to my husband also sometimes don’t make it back out of the washing machine. I’ve no idea what happens or where they go…😁

I had an ex bf that was the same. He had one pair of shoes besides hiking boots. they were worn to shreds. he had one pair of jeans and a few shorts and shirts. Some of them had holes right in the belly area. He didnt care about clothes but would spend $ left and right to eat out at restaurants. It was annoying and sometimes embarrassing.

I definitely wouldn’t chuck his clothes without asking him!

I have no problem with well made stuff lasting well but his stuff hasn’t lasted well and it shows.

The Christmas before Covid my DP was almost thrown out of a shop when the assistant manager mistook him for a homeless person.

You're unlikely to be able to make him care about his clothes, but you may remind him that he cares about you, and that you care about how he looks.

If you can afford it, can you help him upgrade his wardrobe? New smarter jeans? Better made t-shirts or tops? Nothing too scary, but moving from tramp to casual. You don't need to throw out his old stuff - it can be recycled or donated to charity.

Is there a particular reason this is bothering you now?

Don’t chuck his “clothes” without asking: just hide and replace.

If he doesn’t care then he won’t notice. And if he does notice then he wants to look like a bum. And you can’t make him change that desire any more than he can make you change yours.

Sorry @WickedSerious but that really
made me laugh 🙈😂
I don’t really know what to suggest op.
Dh wears crappy clothes for work but when it gets holey it’s gone. He runs a building company so is often on site and just generally looks a bit tatty unless he’s in meetings! And when we go out he makes a real effort with ironing a shirt (I iron absolutely nothing, if it needs ironing I don’t buy it or it gets dry cleaned or something 😂) and he regularly dry cleans jackets etc.
I’d really hate to go somewhere with him and he looked totally scruffy. That’s probably really shallow. I don’t really care what he wears but I think it’s a basic expectation that unless it’s for extreme reasons you go somewhere looking vaguely tidy and definitely clean.

My husband is like this... I vanish clothes out of his wardrobe all the time when they get particularly grubby and likewise add new plain clothes in that he doesn't even appear to notice as new. He works in a high powered job on very decent money and last Friday night he spent the evening soaking his shirts in the stink to get the stained underarms out. I know im shallow but I am sometimes embarrassed by what he wears.
I feel people are judging me for letting him walk around like that.

Good for him.
No help i know op, but as he's clean, I have massive respect for people who can't give a shit about appearances in todays society.

I'll never get my head around people who are so oblivious that their partner can throw out their personal possessions and they don't even notice.

But then, the fact that the partners think it's acceptable to do that in the first place is the sort of thing that reminds me why I have absolutely no interest in ever living with a partner again.

If it really bothers you that much OP, can you not just draw a line in the sand and refuse to be seen in public with him until he addresses it? I'm not enormously picky about my own appearance, but I do try to look after myself and present a decent impression, so I can understand your frustration and I wouldn't tolerate my partner walking around looking like a homeless down and out either. It's not really about pride, it's about a total lack of respect for your own appearance and your partner.

Was he an absolute scruff when you first met him, or is it more a gradual sink into slovenliness thing?

My DP is a bit like this, it has mainly been since he started WFH full time, he just slouches about in dirty trackies and holey t shirts, does the nursery run etc dressed like that. He will put on jeans if we go out but that's the extent of his 'dressing up'. I make quite an effort if we go out and I find it a bit depressing that he just begrudgingly finds some clean jeans then moans they don't fit anymore Unsure what the answer is as he seems happy and it is ultimately a superficial thing. I just feel a bit like it's a reflection of his overall levels of motivation and that's quite unattractive to me.

I don't have anything to help but my DH is just the same and it really gets on one of my Adult DSs nerves . It doesn't bother me particularly but my DS can't stand it . It causes quite a few issues between them. Just wanted to empathise. I do buy stuff for him and say I got it as a bargain or get stuff for presents . Just keep filtering it in ! Good luck !

Good for him, he’s his own person and true to himself. Not your doll to dress up.

I have the same problem with my DH. No answers for you.

Sorry that made me laugh out loud

One of the things I love about DH is his impeccable sense of dress - no faded t shirts, big logos, tragic looking skate shoes or shiny suits. Just well fitting simple clothes in muted colours from good brands and decent shoes. I said the other day he’s the only person never to have given me the ick!

I don’t know the answer, but I’d hate this.

My dh likes clothes and looking good. In fact, he’s never scruffy, even when wfh.

I feel your pain. My DH dressed pretty smartly when I first met him but he worked in an office then. In the last 10-15 years he’s been almost exclusively wfh, and also spent a lot of time doing diy around the house (getting paint marks on what were meant to be smart jeans! 🤬🤬) and he has really let himself go. He figures if all he’s doing is dog walks the dog doesn’t care so there’s no reason he should. Plus he rarely shaves anymore and waits as long as humanly possible before getting his hair cut at the rusty scissors barbers, and doesn’t have the kind of hair that suits letting it grow out - it just grows crazy. He acts like this lack of care in his appearance is a virtue, because he’s too busy thinking about “important” things to worry about such trivialities. He does shower and clean his teeth regularly but otherwise he can be an absolute slob.

He will scrub up when he has to, and has graciously accepted a really nice pair of very smart jeans that he wears every. single. time. we go “out” (and he knows I will divorce him if I ever see him near a paint pot while wearing them). So I try to choose my battles and save the insistence for when what he looks like really matters.

My DH is similar

It uses to bother me more but I have just learned to accept that is just the way he is

We often look mismatched when we go out and I have made an effort and looking a bit glam and he is wearing ancient scruffy cargo trousers and a fleece but I've given up caring!