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Original poster

Upset that 11 year old has searched porn

71 replies

GullibleMuM · 03/03/2023 01:54

My 11 year old daughter (year 7) who is very innocent and still plays with dollls, came down to wake me up off the settee because I had left my phone upstairs. Instead of going to sleep, she had searched, ‘what is sex?’ On YouTube. And then clicked through video, followed by video, of hardcore porn. It is all there in my search history. She was completely traumatized by it. I feel quite shaken by it but have told her she’s done the right thing by telling me. I have heard so much about kids watching porn, but honestly thought my daughter was too innocent to do it. She was traumatized a few weeks ago when they were learning about sexual intercourse and reproduction in school. She has ASD and kept saying she hated learning about it. Now suddenly, a few weeks later, she is searching for videos about it.

OP posts:
AllDayBreakfast92 · 03/03/2023 02:04

Hardcore porn on YouTube? Or you mean she then googled it?

discobrain · 03/03/2023 02:17

That'll teach to leave your phone unlocked.

Mannymoomin · 03/03/2023 02:24

You’re shaken by it?
She’s searched it because she has questions. Now the topic has arisen between the two of you it might be time for you to gently discuss healthy relationships etc. it’ll certainly ease her into these often awkward discussions as she goes through puberty.

Fwiw, I have a ds with ASD in year 7, you being shaken is quite the overreaction on your part, believe me, she’s heard plenty at school from her peers, regardless of how innocent she is.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 03/03/2023 02:29

You reacted well OP, just listen to what’s bothering her, reassure her about those things in an age appropriate way and don’t make it into more than it is. Obviously it would be good if she doesn’t do it again, not that it sounds like she’d want to, which means getting the age limit controls tightened up.

My DS was ten, came downstairs one night after bedtime all weepy and worried. He’d been looking at a video on a friend’s phone and was scared that meant he was a ‘pervert.’ He said it was really sick and nasty. Turns out from what I could glean it was a couple doing it doggy-style, I was semi-relieved, could have been so much more violent or graphic, but he was really freaked out. I just said to him it was natural for him to be be freaked out because sexual stuff just isn’t meant for kids, and that’s why it’s against the law for them to see it, they’re too young for all that not to upset them and their brains aren’t ready yet. I said to not think about all that til he was a lot older, that it was okay to be curious about sex but not watch anything like that again on his friend’s phone. Also reinforced he wouldn’t be in any trouble if there was something he needed to talk about.

OP, like you I was a bit shocked. It wasn’t the start of a porn addiction for DS or anything and he said next morning he felt a lot better for telling me. As DD is approaching high school age it’s sadly likely she’d have been shown porn anyway by peers in the very near-future. It’s depressingly young for all that but there are kids out there who think showing violent or disturbing porn to their classmates is a laugh, it’s a prank. Somebody was showing something involving frogs popping out of a vagina at DS’s school, DS was 11.5, just started secondary 😳 If DD is ambushed with it now at least she’ll know what it is and it won’t be as big a shock.

Just support her, it’s a shame she’s had a bad fright. It’s natural to be curious, even if you’re innocent, it’s just nowadays they can get so much more information than they need with one swipe.

Original poster
GullibleMuM · 03/03/2023 07:53

She had clicked on the videos. I thought my phone needed a password for anything of adult content. I had wondered why I could watch Love Island.

OP posts:
Original poster
GullibleMuM · 03/03/2023 07:56

I did wonder if I had over reacted. I think it was because she was so upset and so shaken. I also thought she was too young to try searching it. I just hope she has learned her lesson. I also think I need to make sure I don’t leave my phone upstairs at night again. Thanks for the advice about your son.

OP posts:
Fancysauce · 03/03/2023 07:58

If she's googling what is sex, then clearly you haven't done enough sex ed with her. By the age of 11 she should have had the talk and therefore wouldn't need to Google.

lazycats · 03/03/2023 07:59

She was traumatized a few weeks ago when they were learning about sexual intercourse and reproduction in school.

This strikes me as quite unusual but it sounds like you handled the porn situation well. You definitely need to have follow up talks about sex in general.

VestaTilley · 03/03/2023 08:00

She’s not searching for porn though- she typed sex in to a search engine. That’s not the same. She just wants to know more.

You should have parental controls and a password on your phone and other devices. And she needs it explaining to her that what she’s witnessed is NOT normal sex, isn’t ok and that a lot of people think pornography is damaging. Keep an eye on her - graphic images can be incredibly distressing, she may need to talk further.

AgentJohnson · 03/03/2023 08:05

Your DD was curious and searched for something she had heard about at school. Her innocence is still intact. Once you’ve gotten over your shock and regained your composure, this is where you talk to her. Porn exists, parents pretending it doesn’t and leaving Sex Ed to teachers, is the issue. Porn is make believe often presented as fact.

Talk to your daughter, if you didn’t have sex with her father, she wouldn’t exist (unless she was otherwise conceived).

Runningonempty01 · 03/03/2023 08:06

I think this curiosity is normal. I can remember finding a proper Oxford dictionary rather than a kids one and me and my sister gleefully looking for all the rudest words we could find! The problem is now even if your settings are absolutely rock solid , as soon as kids get to secondary school they will come across porn as other kids and families don't do this. This is sadly why we need to talk to children as young as 11 about pornography as much of what they will see is disturbing , violent and a completely unrealistic view of sex.

FT123456 · 03/03/2023 08:11

I agree she's at the age where she has questions. She's a little older than my little sister (big age gap) and she has mentioned recently a lot of kids in school are mentioning things and has had questions herself. She's is a very innocent little soul to.

I think just keep the communication open, it's very good she felt she could come to you.

Letsrunabath · 03/03/2023 08:22

My son did the same on my laptop, a friend at summer camp had told him about a site and he looked it up, panicked and was very upset at what he saw. Children are curious, it’s time for a talk as porn is with us in ways most of us from the older age group can not get our heads round but unfortunately it’s out there and easy to access.
He is now in his last year at Uni and treats girls with respect and calls out misogyny.

Marblessolveeverything · 03/03/2023 09:19

You are responsible for controlling access on devices that your child has access to. Getting the genie back in the bottle regarding removing porn from society is an absolute pipe dream.

Make sure your 11 year old is informed - it is for her protection knowledge does not take innocence it actually protects it. Pornography is a very important conversation to have with our secondary aged child - this isnt easy but it is very important. There are plenty of resources to support parents with these conversations.

Original poster
GullibleMuM · 04/03/2023 00:13

So her phone settings are all high, I hope. On my phone, I have parental controls on and restrictions in place. However, this was in YouTube, where she had created herself a new login. In the settings on that account, restrictions were not activated (but are now). It’s such a minefield. Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
tempusername1234 · 04/03/2023 00:36

Erm, YouTube doesn't have hard core porn.

If you want to try and stop any more accidental viewings you can use a filter like OpenDns which can block porn.

Original poster
GullibleMuM · 04/03/2023 08:43

tempusername1234 · 04/03/2023 00:36

Erm, YouTube doesn't have hard core porn.

If you want to try and stop any more accidental viewings you can use a filter like OpenDns which can block porn.

It looks pretty hardcore to me, from the front photo of the videos. I haven’t watched any though. Think it’s oral and close ups of women’s privates etc. Thanks, it is reassuring to know it won’t be too hardcore. I don’t think she would find anything any other way because of my settings. I am still not sure how it bypasses the settings I had, other than it was through the ap and she had created a new log in, which then had new settings on YouTube. Also, I am not very savvy on filters, so I shall search what to do. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Galadriel90 · 04/03/2023 08:50

Tighten up your internet settings so they don't show this stuff.

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 04/03/2023 08:52

There’s no hardcore porn on YouTube, and it’s okay for her to have a natural curiosity and follow that up with searches and then a chat to you. That’s normal and healthy.

If you freak out and make a big deal of it with her it will create an unearthly relationship with it.

You also should have, long before now, sorted out your internet settings and it sounds like you don’t really understand the internet or sites she may use soon so you should definitely keep yourself up to date.

redbigbananafeet · 04/03/2023 08:53

This is why age appropriate Sex Ed is so important from a young age

User678945 · 04/03/2023 08:53

She has questions, at 11 you need to awnser them.

WeCome1 · 04/03/2023 08:54

I think you need to see exactly what she’s seen so you can talk through with her any issues. Eg depending on what she saw, you might need to explain that normal sex doesn’t look like that.

Testina · 04/03/2023 08:59

“also thought she was too young to try searching it“

She’s 11! In secondary school!

There is a whole accessible internet out there that you need to help her navigate carefully. What bubble are you living in?

She was looking for porn, she was looking to understand sex. Something that you should have explained better to her about 3 years ago.

And now you don’t even know what she has seen. You need to follow the same links she did, so you know what to discuss with her. Time to parent-up @GullibleMuM

RichardMarxisinnocent · 04/03/2023 09:00

As well as sorting out your Internet settings, it's probably a good idea to set up a PIN, paasword or fingerprint lock for your phone screen, so that she can't even access your phone in the first place.

DrHousecuredme · 04/03/2023 09:03

She has ASD and kept saying she hated learning about it. Now suddenly, a few weeks later, she is searching for videos about it.

Yes, because now the subject has been raised, she has questions and wants to know more in a way that she feels she can control.
The good thing in this scenario is that she confided in you. That opens the door to some frank conversations.

I had this with my ds a little while ago, not sex but he was trying to find nude women. He failed due to privacy settings.

We had a big talk about the fact that wanting to know more is completely normal and nothing to be embarrassed about but the internet was not a safe place to get this information.

I answered all of his questions then we bought some age appropriate books together on Amazon.

I'd suggest a similar approach, at 11 she has every right to try to get information about sex. Just help her to do so, safely and in an age-appropriate way rather than giving her the impression that it's wrong or embarrassing in some way.