Upset that 11 year old has searched porn

[GullibleMuM]

My 11 year old daughter (year 7) who is very innocent and still plays with dollls, came down to wake me up off the settee because I had left my phone upstairs. Instead of going to sleep, she had searched, ‘what is sex?’ On YouTube. And then clicked through video, followed by video, of hardcore porn. It is all there in my search history. She was completely traumatized by it. I feel quite shaken by it but have told her she’s done the right thing by telling me. I have heard so much about kids watching porn, but honestly thought my daughter was too innocent to do it. She was traumatized a few weeks ago when they were learning about sexual intercourse and reproduction in school. She has ASD and kept saying she hated learning about it. Now suddenly, a few weeks later, she is searching for videos about it.

Are you sure it was YouTube? There are porn sites with similar names. YouTube doesn’t have hardcore porn as far as I’m aware.
She didn’t google porn, she was asking what sex is. She’s 11, she should know what sex is by now, and the fact that school teaching her about reproduction (which is NOT the same as sex) is “traumatising” kind of shows the ball has been dropped somewhere.

The Book Good pictures Bad pictures, Kristen A Jensen is a way to have the discussion about porn together. I used it with my two DC

@GullibleMuM you're welcome.

YouTube has some videos with "erotic looking" thumbnails, but the actual content isn't. The thumbnails are there to get people to click on them thinking they're porn so that the people putting up the videos get clicks.

For people saying "there's a whole internet out there", yes there is and a lot of it is fucking sick and disturbing and for this reason I've got porn (amongst other things) blocked on my router. I've explained the reasons why to my children, emphasis on the word 'children".

Porn is degrading, unrealistic, addictive and much of it is repulsive, so as a parent it's my job to protect them from it until they are old enough.

With my kids I've had the "I assume you've been taught about sex at school, is there anything you would like to discuss" talks, but like I was at their age they're more embarrassed by it than anything else. Main point is they know I'm here to come to if they have questions.

You are probably right. I haven’t clicked on the links because I have restricted the access. I have always talked to her about sex, in an appropriate way for her age, I felt, but in an open way. She said she was traumatized by watching the school video and she doesn’t know why, she looked it up. I think she told me straight away after going on it because we do have a relationship where she can talk to me. From your reactions, I assume all 11 year olds are searching it. That worries me as not all kids will tell their parents.

Hopefully it’s the thumbnails and not all videos. We didn’t discuss it too much because it was 1 in the morning and my husband was shouting about her keeping us all awake. I reassured her more than anything as she was in a complete panic. By the time I got home from work yesterday, we had another family crisis and an and e visit to sort out, but we shall have another conversation once we have processed everything else that has happened in the last 2 days.

Thank you

Nothing about this situation is surprising. She was just curious and googled it.

As a parent of a child about to hit puberty, just start talking to her about sex. Job done.

How did you block porn to your router?

Too late now, but I think you should have done more to prepare her for school sex ed so that she wasn’t traumatised and was able to understand/take on board the lessons. My daughter as ASD and I know that she needs preempting before anything new.

I also think that 11 year olds often are curious about sex and it’s easier for them to search these days which means more extreme content is available to them.

Sit down with her and see if she will talk to you about any other questions she has or whether she would like to speak to someone else at school about it.

She has ASD and doesn’t want to grow up. She has always said it’s disgusting and embarrassing and she hates it and the idea of it. She plays with dolls with certain friends and still likes watching Disney films. She is a lot more immature than her classmates, a common factor of ASD.

My DD came across quite explicit drawings on the internet that upset her a lot. Despite all the warnings about internet use, kids still get drawn in.
I have always taken the view that it's better to arm kids with knowledge about how to deal with upsetting things as it's almost impossible to make sure that they never get exposed.
Your DD has come to you, she's curious about sex but has seen content she's not ready for. Lots of reassurance is needed and some more age appropriate conversations around sex and safe browsing.

I have done that a number of times and shall certainly do so again in light of what’s happened, but as others have said, I don’t want to make it a big thing. Thanks

Sorry your daughter was also upset.

It's so easy within a few clicks to see things you can't unsee! No harm came to my DD or to yours OP.

It's a real experience and will probably have more impact than a dozen conversations around safe internet use unfortunately.

ASD kids need to be taught about this stuff too, as they're very vulnerable.
I feel for you though, OP. It's a nightmare and a minefield!

Just reading the comments. My dds are nearly 11 and nearly 13. What things should i be telling my kids? Youngest did sex ed this year but eldest didn't due to Covid.

There is no porn on YouTube. Are you sure it wasn’t another website?

Anyway, that’s besides the point. She’s at an age where she will be curious about sex. Is there a pubescent child alive who hasn’t googled something like that? Shit happens op.

You say she was ‘traumatised’ by sex ed at school, which is strange. I mean, it’s awkward and a bit icky to hear about at that age, but traumatised is a very dramatic word. I think you’re taking this all too seriously to be honest and need to chill out.

Unfortunately, I have a fingerprint password but also the number for when it doesn’t work and she had worked it out.

I think she used the work traumatized. She is ok about it now. It was just at 1 in the morning. And if you ask why she was awake, that’s a whole other issue, involving autism and sleep clinics!

She was only asking what sex was, its a reasonable question for her age and with her needs

No one can get into my phone without my finger print, surely thats standard, dont you have a lock on it?

She will be quite shocked by seeing things that shes not ready for or learning about sex and reproduction at school probably due to her needs, thats why you need to talk to her about it.

I think it can help youngsters to understand that porn videos tend to involve actors and they are not representative of sex in the context of relationships. Of course sex within relationships, or consciously chosen casual sex, can include the whole spectrum of sex acts, but consensual sex between paid porn actors is a step away from what your child may expect to experience when they choose to become sexually active, just as Marvel films aren’t portraying what people generally get up to!

No, I know all about ASD - I teach many children with it and I’ve got close family members with it.

However, it does not seem that she is actually traumatised by it, since she is obviously interested in knowing more. I wonder if she is maybe more embarrassed to be speaking about it with teachers/parents, rather than to actually know the information. I was similar at that age if I’m honest.

If this is the case, it might be easier for her to be given the information in a safe way for her to digest alone. For example, get her a book from the library which you have pre read, or find a good video for her age and allow her to watch alone.

At those ages - everything. Assume they learned nothing in sex ed.

There's no porn on YouTube. None of this makes sense? You'd obviously click to see what she watched? She tells you she's traumatised but you don't look what she saw?