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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Granddaughters Birthday.

32 replies

tillytoodles1 · 02/03/2023 21:00

I am a widow with a son and a daughter who both live a few minutes away from me. My daughter can't have children and my son has a daughter from his previous marriage. He now lives with his fiance who has two adult children from her marriage.

It's my granddaughter's birthday in a few days but due to her mum having made plans for the day, they're taking her out for a meal tomorrow, night along with his girlfriend's children and her daughter's boyfriend but I'm not invited. I'm really upset but he doesn't care. AIBU?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 02/03/2023 21:02

That is hurtful. How is your relationship generally ?

BananaSpanner · 02/03/2023 21:03

Do you have a good relationship normally? Does he know you wanted to go? How did the conversation go?

Maybe invite your granddaughter over for a tea party to celebrate her birthday on a different day. It’s natural to be hurt but probably not worth falling out over.

Original poster
tillytoodles1 · 02/03/2023 21:13

I asked him when he was having her so I could call in with her card and present. He said he was having her to stay over tomorrow night, but they where going out and they wouldn't be there.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 02/03/2023 21:14

You're not unreasonable to be a bit upset if you're upset that you won't getvto celebrate your grandaughters birthday.
I doubt they've explicitly singled you out and said you can't come, I'd think it's more a case of they've already are plans. I don't know ghe logistics of the evening either.
If you're able to get yourself to and from the venue, the venue can accommodate 1 extra person and you can afford it, it seems a bit mean to say you can't tag along.
If they're meeting up with another family, going back to someone's home or on to another activity, you don't like spicy food, want a lift etc...then you're intruding on someone else's evening.

If you want to see your grandaughter on her birthday could you pop into your ex DILs before or after their day out?

Original poster
tillytoodles1 · 02/03/2023 21:20

They're all making their own way there and they're only taking my granddaughter in the car so there'd be plenty of room for me. There's no one else invited and they're not going anywhere after, so I don't see why they've left me out. Since he's been with his girlfriend he hardly bothers with me and I never get invited anywhere with them, although her kids get invited everywhere

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 02/03/2023 21:20

tillytoodles1 · 02/03/2023 21:13

I asked him when he was having her so I could call in with her card and present. He said he was having her to stay over tomorrow night, but they where going out and they wouldn't be there.

Cross posted so just seen update....
Did you actually ask if you could join them and your son said no.....or did you just announce that you were coming round and he simply said we wont be in at that time, we've already made plans. The 2 are very different.
What happened next? Did you suggest another time to call round with the present?

Original poster
tillytoodles1 · 02/03/2023 21:36

I asked him why I wasn't invited and he replied that he would then have to invite his sister and her husband (they have no children) and I said so it's alright to invite her kids and the boyfriend but not her grandma or her auntie and uncle? He said if you keep going on then I'm not going to talk to you so I hung up.

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 02/03/2023 21:39

Without being awful do you acknowledge his gf's dc?
Maybe he feels you are only interested in your actual dgc?
Theory only... Happy to be wrong!

WinginItBadly · 02/03/2023 21:43

Sorry OP. Tha sounds upsetting for you.

Original poster
tillytoodles1 · 02/03/2023 21:44

Bunnyishotandcross · 02/03/2023 21:39

Without being awful do you acknowledge his gf's dc?
Maybe he feels you are only interested in your actual dgc?
Theory only... Happy to be wrong!

Yes I do. They're OK and I do talk to them when I see them but they're not really interested in having a conversation with me, we don't really have anything in common.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 02/03/2023 21:46

Bunnyishotandcross · 02/03/2023 21:39

Without being awful do you acknowledge his gf's dc?
Maybe he feels you are only interested in your actual dgc?
Theory only... Happy to be wrong!

His gfs DC are adults.

And why wouldn't OP not be more interested in her own flesh and blood than adult strangers?

Ginger1982 · 02/03/2023 21:54

Your DS sounds a bit of an arse to be honest. I'd be hurt if my DS treated me like that.

bananaboats · 02/03/2023 22:16

He does sound rude but the dinner sounds like its just the parents and their children rather than an extended family thing so I don't think they were unreasonable not to invite you.

Hbh17 · 02/03/2023 22:18

Grandparents being at grandchildren's birthdays is something I only ever hear about on this site. In real life, most people live a couple of hundred miles away from grandchildren and it would never occur to either "side" that they all have to get together for a kid's birthday.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/03/2023 22:20

It’s your granddaughter’s birthday but you’re making it all about you.

Sort out another time and take her out for cake or something.

You sound like hard work and I wouldn’t have invited you either. Sorry.

StClare101 · 02/03/2023 22:24

Your DS sounds like an arse. Can you take your granddaughter out to the movies or something this weekend?

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 02/03/2023 22:25

and I said so it's alright to invite her kids and the boyfriend but not her grandma or her auntie and uncle?

If you try and make him choose, he will.

He wants a meal with his daughter and the people he lives with, that's absolutely OK. He hasn't excluded you, he just hasn't invited you.

You can arrange something with her yourself in the next week or two.

It comes across on here that you don't really like the fiance or her kids, so that probably comes over irl too, which puts him in a ahit position.

HeddaGarbled · 02/03/2023 22:27

This bit: I said so it's alright to invite her kids and the boyfriend but not her grandma or her auntie and uncle is combative.

You won’t get what you want that way.

A better approach would be “Oh, OK, do you want to bring her round for tea at the weekend, or would it be easier if I pop in to you?”

Youraccountisnolongervalid · 02/03/2023 22:35

It sounds like he’s putting boundaries in place you need to respect them, I’m guessing your granddaughter is an older child or teen so just leave the things at his house and phone her on her birthday.

ALotLikeYou · 02/03/2023 22:37

I think YABU. If we go out for a meal on our kids birthdays, we haven’t always involved grandparents. Like your son says, then it means you feel like you have to invite other family and becomes a big thing. Sometimes it’s just not what the kids want.

Arebella · 02/03/2023 22:39

But this is just their little family going out! You are wrong to expect an invitation to this, they are allowed out as their own little family without having to consider other people!

We invite my widowed Mum to a lot of things, most things in fact. But if we wanted to go for a meal just us 4 I would never feel bad for that and she would never make me feel bad for that.

Mariposista · 02/03/2023 22:47

This is terribly sad. I feel sorry for both you and the little girl. Your son is being a selfish arse, putting his 'new family' first and forgetting his roots.

Murdoch1949 · 03/03/2023 16:15

Contact your granddaughter and invite her out for lunch or afternoon tea, or round to yours. Make a fuss of her and ignore your mean son.

Marchforward · 03/03/2023 16:20

tillytoodles1 · 02/03/2023 21:36

I asked him why I wasn't invited and he replied that he would then have to invite his sister and her husband (they have no children) and I said so it's alright to invite her kids and the boyfriend but not her grandma or her auntie and uncle? He said if you keep going on then I'm not going to talk to you so I hung up.

Why did you make it into an argument? The other option was to start the conversation by asking if you can come along rather than attacking which means he automatically goes on the defence.

MichelleScarn · 03/03/2023 16:27

Mariposista · 02/03/2023 22:47

This is terribly sad. I feel sorry for both you and the little girl. Your son is being a selfish arse, putting his 'new family' first and forgetting his roots.

Why do you feel sorry for the little girl? There's nothing to stop her grandma taking her out to celebrate separately if she wants.
The fact op hung up when not getting her own way indicates a touch of drama!