DM exasperated at how messy my three year old's eating is. Who is BU ?

[easygrowing]

For example she was eating a Nutella sandwich earlier and some of the Nutella got on the table. It was also all over her hands and face. I think a nutella sandwich isn't easy to eat for a three year old without making a bit of a mess.

In general she sometimes drops stuff from her fork onto herself while she's eating, but nothing major.

She also wipes her mouth with her sleeve sometimes, we are trying to remind her to use a napkin, which she does do. But my mum is constantly angry / shaking her head and telling her off it she forgets to use a napkin and uses her sleeve.

Sometimes her hands are dirty and she touches the chairs or whatever and my mum gets so angry with her for that too. We have all leather furniture for this exact reason because I think that kids don't understand and if you didn't wipe their hands, they don't always realise. If her hands are really dirty she often tells me so and wants to go and wash them. So she's not always terrible, but sometimes things get messy.

I'm not sure if I should expect more or my three year old ( just three ) or if my mum is super OTT. I'm trying to think of examples of how she's messy sometimes when she eats, but in general it's just dropping stuff on herself sometimes ( although she does wear a bib ). Sometimes stuff goes on the floor too or on the table.

Oh wow yadnbu.

My mam is often here with the two kids 4 and 1 but in this situation when the 4 year old tries to wander off with dirty hand she will catch him and clean him for me. Or remind him to do it himself as he's getting that bit older.

She needs to relax if it's your house. And doesn't sound like she's being particularly helpful when she's there either. She's maybe forgotten what it's like with two little ones and needs a reminder that it's a juggling act

She sounds a toxic & overbearing piece of work tbh....especially how she treated you when you were little.Don't put up with her shit now and let her give your daughter the same treatment, or she will cause her issues too....it can only take the odd cruel comment to do damage.
If you must socialise with the woman then tell her this needs to stop immediately otherwise you will be asking her to leave your home.

It’s really not uptight or overly clean to correct children leaving the table without asking (which is just as much about manners as it is cleanliness) or wiping their hands on the furniture. You don’t have to be Joan Crawford about it.

If you think she's overly harsh and is involving herself in parenting and discipline where it's not wanted or needed, then you need to advocate for your child and put a stop to it. You need to - repeatedly if necessary - put her back in her place when she starts trying to tell your daughter off, comment negatively on your parenting or whatever she is doing. Ask her to go to another room (or leave) at mealtimes if she cannot control herself and stop criticising.

Honestly I couldn't bear this. She had her turn at parenting when she was raising you. This is now your child and you are the parent. It's up to you to discipline and teach your child however you choose.

Unfortunately she sounds utterly overbearing and in reality people like that only respond to extremely sharp and strong responses. Which they then love to sulk about. I know it's not pleasant but you can't let her carry on like this, for DD's sake. It sounds stressful and miserable and she's very small. She's just being a kid.

Can your daughter hear her grandmother when she's making those remarks?

Not surprised you lost it with her after a weekend of that!

Personally I would scream and scream at her until she abided by your food rules at your own house.....only slightly kidding!

Toddlers are messy beasts but your mum sounds like a total pain. Just ignore her and tell her to stay in a separate room when you are feeding the little one, unless she can keep her opinions to herself.

Constantly on them, really? She’s 3 years old, of course she’s allowed to be messy at meal times, she’s a small child FFS. I feel very sad for your children if this is honestly how you are parenting them.

I dunno, I hate messy eating even from toddlers but then again, mine weren't and just troughed their food and were done so I can't really comment!

But you know what it's like when you lose it with your mum- it's always YOUR fault.. she's just trying to help

Literally totally normal. The toddler that is, not your mum.

@Withnailandeye agree. Imagine being 'constantly on' at a toddler because they are 'messy' 🙄 Poor children.

@easygrowing your mum definitely needs to chill out and you need to tell her to not shout at your toddler who could end up with a complex over it.

Children get messy! They are curious, still fine tuning their motor skills and definitely don't understand meal time etiquette. Yes it should be encouraged but they shouldn't be shouted at. You only have to clean up after it's really not a big deal.

She’s obviously allowed to eat in an age-appropriately messy way, over a plate, and then get cleaned up afterwards, but she’s not allowed to wipe her dirty hands on the furniture and she’s not allowed to leave the table without asking. She knows to say, “please may I leave the table?” if her hands are clean (which she proudly shows us) or “please can you give me a wipe?” if they’re dirty before she gets down. It’s really not something to feel sad over, she loves mealtimes and we don’t get food in places it shouldn’t be. Mummies and daddies do not exist to clean food off of furniture put there by children old enough to know better!

@easygrowing

"If you have nothing nice to say be quiet"

Surely your mother has better manners

Op please send your mum to my house. My two are a bit older & it’s like feeding time at the zoo here complete with messy faces & hands. There are some sen & sensory issues at play. But she’ll think your dad is an angel. I wouldn’t describe my house as particularly tidy either.

can you grey rock her telling you off?

”you need to teach her better table manners”
“Did you try the sauce mum-it’s lovely isn’t it? We’re headed to the zoo next week-do you remember that time we went…”

I know what you mean though-my mum once said something quite insulting to me & when I called her out on it, she then had a go at me for making her feel bad 🫣. I can laugh about it now though.

Your DM is being unreasonable in your home. Tell her to stop talking to your child that way.

That's on your mum. Its ridiculous, she's 3 you are doing what normal parents do, wipe her hands after food, etc sometimes at that age they'll wipe it on the chair, table, sleeve etc when that happens you just correct it. Not a big deal!

Talk to a teacher and they'll tell you how many of them wipe their on snot on their sleeve 🤣

Just keep doing what you are doing and not making a big deal of it and one day you'll find it doesn't happen anymore

Maybe buy some wet wipe just for at the table. They can be her special wetwipes for cleaning her hands and face

I couldn't care less about the messy eating at all, but I cannot bear children being allowed to wipe their mucky hands and faces on furniture (or allowed to wander around with messy snacks in their hands, smearing them everywhere).

Unfortunately my about to turn 8 Yr old is still like this. No amount of reminding her not to wipe her hands or face on her clothes sinks in. She knows, we've said it all hundreds of times, but just seems incapable of not doing it.

She would happily walk around with food on her hands and face and only washes it off when specifically reminded / told. She amazes me.

Id be telling me mum she is not to get angry with my 3 year old for entirely normal behaviour which she will grow out of over time. If that's a problem for her then she can't be around DD at mealtimes

learning table manners is a process, they won’t get it straight away and some need more reminding than others along the way. Getting cross with them doesn’t help, I would find the constant going on at them while they’re eating very irritating.

we do have napkins and reusable wet cloths ready to go on the table, the napkins is something I was brought up with (not essential just nice to have) and the cloths are for convenience so that if they are ready to get down or about to absent-mindedly wipe yoghurt in their hair then it’s quickly available

i would find your mum very annoying, some people forget/don’t realise that you often need to remind children more than once about things, it’s part of learning and growing up. Some people think if you have told a 3yo something once and they need reminding, it’s because they’re misbehaving rather than just learning

Your mum is overreacting , but it is absolutely your problem to ensure she does not wander off with dirty hands. If I were your mum I wouldn't comment about your choices or child, but then again, I wouldn't accept having my house trashed, so I'd definitely comment about that.

It’s in the OP’s house, not the mother’s, that has been made very clear.