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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I controlling

47 replies

Amicontrolling88 · 02/03/2023 18:19

As the title and the username says really, DH thinks I am controlling to the point he says I make his life a living nightmare and he doesn't want to be in the house with me anymore.

Background, both work full time. I work 2 days in an office, 3 days at home normal office hours but some travelling involved.

Dh work shifts including night shifts (10pm - 6am) gets more days off than me due to his shifts but nights are hard. Can't work at home and when on nights spends rhe majority of time in bed so can't/doesn't do a lot around the house.

2 children - 7yo & 2yo

Examples today that he has called me controlling:

Took oldest to school (breakfast club) and took youngest in the buggy with me to grt some fresh air. Dh complained i just got did it even tho he hadn't slept well and i was letting him have a lay in by taking the youngest. He said he wanted to spend the 10 minutes i was gone with him.

Youngest had a dentist appointment I booked a while ago. Plan was I would take him then drop him at nursery. Then I thought I might have to go in the office so asked DH to. He said yes (off today) my plans changed so I could take him, so said I would. Dh got in a strop because I was controlling and taking over and wanted to do everything

Tea time today (after school and nursery) I wrnt out to the kitchen to do a quick tea (kids had eaten at nursery/after school club) youngest followed me so I took youngest back in to get the table out etc and DH moaned that I took over as I didn't ask him to get the table out

There's a hundred more example I could list but I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 02/03/2023 18:24

You aren't treating him like a equal parent. You're making decisions as though he is an occasional babysitter. It's easy to go into that mode because of his hours, but you need to keep reminding yourself that the children aren't just your job and involve him more.

redskydelight · 02/03/2023 18:25

I'm not sure controlling is the right word - but basically you like things done your way and you just go ahead and do it without involving DH.

Sounds like he's fed up of being the bystander and have to work round what you've decided, when he wants to be involved.

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 02/03/2023 18:30

It’s easy to get into this mode when you have a partner who does shift work, especially if they do night shifts. I’ve probably been guilty of what you’re doing too. You can’t always guarantee they are in a good state after night shifts so you make plans to manage the day without them, thinking that is a good thing to do for everyone, but from his perspective it looks like you’re not letting him do anything.

You just need have a conversation. Explain that you’re doing this to give him a lie in, and you’re sorry if it came across that you’re not letting him do anything. And talk about how to make plans that can be a bit more flexible when he’s not wrecked after a night shift.

declutteringmymind · 02/03/2023 18:31

It's all about you isn't it?

Bekindnotarsey · 02/03/2023 18:32

Personally I do not think you are controlling. Some people do get mixed up between controlling and being assertive. As far as I can understand it, you did what needed to be done by keeping things flowing and not to disrupt the children’s routine.

Controlling behaviours can mean a lot of things. If DH wanted to do these things, he should have said so, a woman will always take over, I know I do. Controlling is more the case someone is domineering, putting loved ones down etc.

What I don’t understand is why your OH has to be asked to help, surely he knows the tables needs to be put out, without you having to ask, he isn’t a child. Plus teaches kids to help Mum, and values in the future.

So personally there is nothing wrong with you, but your DH yes, stop being a spoilt brat, and help without having to be asked🙂

LIZS · 02/03/2023 18:35

Not controlling but definitely limiting his opportunities to support you and dc.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 02/03/2023 18:41

I don't think you're controlling - I think you're used to just getting on with things without DH, and so it's easier/habit to just carry on as normal even when he is around.

From his view, he feels left out because when he is home and able to help out/spend time with the children, you're not letting him because you're carrying on as though he's at work/asleep from nights.

Neither of you are wrong as such, you're just coming at it from different angles.

DevantMaJardin · 02/03/2023 18:43

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 02/03/2023 18:30

It’s easy to get into this mode when you have a partner who does shift work, especially if they do night shifts. I’ve probably been guilty of what you’re doing too. You can’t always guarantee they are in a good state after night shifts so you make plans to manage the day without them, thinking that is a good thing to do for everyone, but from his perspective it looks like you’re not letting him do anything.

You just need have a conversation. Explain that you’re doing this to give him a lie in, and you’re sorry if it came across that you’re not letting him do anything. And talk about how to make plans that can be a bit more flexible when he’s not wrecked after a night shift.

This. You're just used to flying solo.

Arebella · 02/03/2023 18:48

I mean I do all these things without thinking due to my DH shift work, he wouldn't dream of calling this controlling. On the other hand I'd be delighted if DH done them and I wouldn't think it was controlling.

Original poster
Amicontrolling88 · 02/03/2023 18:50

I think everyone who has said I'm just used to doing stuff on my own has summed it up. I've always been Independent and don't mind getting on with stuff etc so I just get on with things that need doing

Should also say I was away for 4 days last week so DH had to do everything so it's not like I'm always here and never let him have time with them.

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 02/03/2023 18:53

Not sure controlling is the right word but you sound like you’ve designated yourself the default parent and your DH is telling you he doesn’t like it.

Eyerollcentral · 02/03/2023 18:53

‘…never let him have time with them’ hmmm thing is you do seem to think they are YOUR children. They aren’t yours to let him have time with, they are his kids too and he does have to work nights so he has less time with them than you. You are treating him like another child.

Thatenough · 02/03/2023 18:55

Is this really the truth though OP?

Have you left out a massive chunk where you did the above while huffing, sighing and slamming kitchen cupboards?

Because if you're doing the above with smiles on your face and in a nice happy mood then of course your DH is being unreasonable. But the only time I get called controlling is when I'm doing stuff like the above but in a big fat strop with DH that he didn't work to my timetable.

And while I may have a point to an extent, DH is not wrong to say I can at times be controlling in that I like things done to my schedule.

Mostly we just have the spat and then kiss and make up.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 02/03/2023 19:02

Should also say I was away for 4 days last week so DH had to do everything so it's not like I'm always here and never let him have time with them.

This is interesting phrasing. Maybe he feels like he needs to ask your permission which can come across as you veto-ing his time with them.

babeB · 02/03/2023 19:07

I don't know about controlling, o don't really get the examples. Don't think accusing your DH of having a strip or moaning bodes well if that's how you discuss issues.

If you called him those rather than trying to understand his POV, then that might be why he used hyperbolic language.

Mariposista · 02/03/2023 19:07

Agree with PP, you see yourself as the main parent, when you should be equal. This can be sorted though, with an adult conversation, you backing off a bit and DH not sulking.

TempName247 · 02/03/2023 19:08

Why didn’t he just say, for example with the dentist appointment, if he wants to take him still. You say, I’m free to take DC to the dentist now - he replies, no it’s ok I will still take him. I don’t see where the conflict is coming from.

redskydelight · 02/03/2023 19:10

TempName247 · 02/03/2023 19:08

Why didn’t he just say, for example with the dentist appointment, if he wants to take him still. You say, I’m free to take DC to the dentist now - he replies, no it’s ok I will still take him. I don’t see where the conflict is coming from.

Well yes- that's how it would play out in our house, or we'd have a discussion about who would take DC since we were now both available.

OP reads as though she basically announced that as she was home she would be taking DC to the dentist and DH was just left to fall in with her plans whether he liked it or not.

AllTheExtraClouds · 02/03/2023 19:18

I'm quite surprised with these responses. What was stopping him getting the table out himself. Does he have wait to be asked? Going to nursery with the little one in the pushchair - dad hadn't slept well and OP was trying to be nice. The dentist - I'd expect there to be some communication there but again it sounds to me like OP is just getting on with it while her DH did and said nothing till afterwards, when he complained about not being consulted.
I'd say the pair of you could do with talking about things more effectively, but DH could be more proactive instead of passively letting you do things then complaining about it afterwards.

Calphurnia88 · 02/03/2023 19:21

I'm also confused as to why your husband is waiting to be asked.

To me he sounds very passive (maybe lazy?) but then gets annoyed when you just get on with stuff.

Pigletnotatwiglet · 02/03/2023 19:24

Sounds like you are just getting things done to me OP.

dizzydizzydizzy · 02/03/2023 19:25

I thought this was going to be about domestic abuse, as in coercive control.

I would describe you as organized and hard working. I'd be overjoyed if DP did all this .

GoodChat · 02/03/2023 19:26

You're not controlling him but it does sound like you're controlling the household.

DH said he'd take the little one then your plans changed so you just decided you were doing it instead without consultation.

Darkstar4855 · 02/03/2023 19:27

This does not sound like controlling behaviour, which would be more if you were telling your husband what clothes he had to put the children in, how to lay the table, what time he had to be at whatever place, what he had to feed them etc.

His behaviour sounds a bit passive aggressive tbh. If he wanted to do the table then he could have said so or even just done it. If he wanted to have the younger child at home while you took the older one then why didn’t he just say so when you were getting up and ready to go?

I get the feeling he doesn’t really want to do these things but he also doesn’t want you to be able to say he doesn’t help, so he’s going on the offensive and calling you controlling instead.

JMSA · 02/03/2023 19:29

The examples you've given are so trivial, that I don't understand how they could paint someone as controlling.
Sorry, maybe it's just me being thick and missing something Blush