Am I controlling

[Amicontrolling88]

As the title and the username says really, DH thinks I am controlling to the point he says I make his life a living nightmare and he doesn't want to be in the house with me anymore.

Background, both work full time. I work 2 days in an office, 3 days at home normal office hours but some travelling involved.

Dh work shifts including night shifts (10pm - 6am) gets more days off than me due to his shifts but nights are hard. Can't work at home and when on nights spends rhe majority of time in bed so can't/doesn't do a lot around the house.

2 children - 7yo & 2yo

Examples today that he has called me controlling:

Took oldest to school (breakfast club) and took youngest in the buggy with me to grt some fresh air. Dh complained i just got did it even tho he hadn't slept well and i was letting him have a lay in by taking the youngest. He said he wanted to spend the 10 minutes i was gone with him.

Youngest had a dentist appointment I booked a while ago. Plan was I would take him then drop him at nursery. Then I thought I might have to go in the office so asked DH to. He said yes (off today) my plans changed so I could take him, so said I would. Dh got in a strop because I was controlling and taking over and wanted to do everything

Tea time today (after school and nursery) I wrnt out to the kitchen to do a quick tea (kids had eaten at nursery/after school club) youngest followed me so I took youngest back in to get the table out etc and DH moaned that I took over as I didn't ask him to get the table out

There's a hundred more example I could list but I just don't know what to do.

I get the feeling he doesn’t really want to do these things but he also doesn’t want you to be able to say he doesn’t help, so he’s going on the offensive and calling you controlling instead.

My thoughts too.

I read your opening post twice and I still don’t see how it is controlling.
I think you have a difficult dynamic if he is doing shifts, sometimes presumably he needs to sleep in the day and it is not regular what he is doing or can do in the house and with the children. So that makes it difficult to have a daily routine which includes him - it can include him when he is there, but then, in your first example, you say he had not slept well so you wanted to leave him to sleep and then he was annoyed you took the toddler with you. So your view - you are being considerate and sorting things out; his view, you are excluding him (except that is not even his argument, he is calling you controlling but which I presume he means, doing everything).

as someone upthread says, these seem like examples which could be sorted by better communication, and his reaction that you are making his life a nightmare seems like a huge overreaction. The problem is, if there is one, that you are doing everything when you are there (which at some point surely you are also going to resent?). (I kind of wonder if you had left the toddler, though, he would have found fault with you not letting him rest).

Communicate about plans for the day and then stick to them? See what happens? Whether that helps, or whether you have a situation where you cannot do right for doing wrong according to him.

I guess it's hard not to think that I'm the default parent when 9 weeks out of 10 due to shift work I do all school/nursery runs, housework, shopping etc. Dh also goes to football on a Saturday and plays on a Sunday. All of which I support

And no I don't slam cupboards etc, when I say I support I do as I have worked nights before and appreciate how difficult they are

Communication could be better and I do admit I have admit I have a habit of just doing good things but that stems from my job as well as I'm trusted to just get on and do things.

Can you see why the dentist thing bothered him?

Step back, hard to do when you're used to just doing stuff, but he does need you to.

He needs to step up too. He needs to do a bit of anticipating and mental forward planning humself. "Wife's in the kitchen doing food, I'd better get the table out, wonder if there's anything else I can do? I know, I'll ask her..." etc. Throwing a strop and accusing you of being controlling when you're simply doing stuff which he could have done himself if he'd applied a bit of forethought, is a bit childish.

Agree with @AllTheExtraClouds

Some odd responses here. Why can’t the OP’s DH speak up and say what he wants to do, or step in in the moment, instead of unfairly labelling the OP “controlling”.

Alternatively, why does he feel like he can't speak up?

Agree with this.

@Amicontrolling88 - can I ask, does he ever volunteer to do stuff? Or when you say - like with the dentist thing - that you can actually do it, does he ever say, "actually I'd like to take him"?

Because it feels like from your post that yes, you've fallen into a pattern of dealing with stuff by yourself - but this is because he doesn't ever take the initiative. Now he's making you the bad guy by stropping around after the fact, when he could just open his mouth and tell you what he wants to do and what he can take responsibility for. He's a grown adult.

He does though? But always after he feels OP has done what he wants to do. So he can throw his toys out of the pram and make it her fault.

In the examples given by Op it's not clear it was possible for him to speak up in advance.

First example - OP takes DC out without telling him. he can't speak up until she gets home

Second example - OP announces she is taking DC to the dentist. Until she does, he doesn't know that she's now expecting to do this as the previous plan was different.

third example - OP goes out to the kitchen. DH doesn't know she's going to start moving tables (which presumably aren't needed until the as yet not cooked meal is ready so don't have to be moved at that point) until she starts doing it. He thought she was cooking.

OP I was like this for years, worse than your examples actually.

DH called me controlling a couple of times and it annoyed me because I knew it was true.

I can 100% rely on myself and for a few years I couldn't rely on him (when we were young) and it just carried over for a long time, unnecessarily so.

But I had been used to relying on myself and getting things done and done well, no mess or hassle.

I now rely on DH way more and it's SO nice to be able to. The way things were with our nearly adult child compared to how they are with our little preschooler, things have changed so much.
But it took me a frigging minute that's for sure.

I totally understand your headspace.

I've got no advice because your situation with your DH, the relationship and everything is your own.

I just wanted to post to say I totally get it. I completely understand that self reliance.

Absolutely this.
If he wants to play with the DC, why not just speak up and say so... There's plenty of childcare to go around surely?

It sounds like he watching and whining, and then getting angry almost as if you are somehow cheating him of something - when he could just say pleasantly "here, let me do that" and you could get on with something else.

It does sound like the dental appointment could have had more of a chat. If he said No I'd like to do it - would you have been happy to agree? if so it sounds like he was silently chalking up another grievance. If he was, then what does he actually want.

Instead of calling you controlling - why doesn't he articulate what extra things he would like to do with the children? Not that hard, surely?

I naturally do the same OP, I do stuff so that DE doesn't have to. We had a chat and I realised as much as I was trying to take some of the load off, my DW was missing doing things and would actually prefer if we did it together.

We were both coming from completely different angles and it was only talking about it that made me realise I was actually excluding rather than being helpful/supportive.

Can you have that kind of conversation?

I don't understand how the dynamic works here.

If he wanted to spend time with the toddler then when he sees you getting out the buggy he says "no don't bother, I'll be here and would love to play with him"

If you can do the dentist and offer then he says "no don't worry I'd love to do it"

If you are getting tea, he gets the table out - like he is a grown man, he knows it is needed.

Is there a bit in between where he says "no I'll do it" and you overrule him? Otherwise what is on about controlling for? Why doesn't he just speak up or do the thing needed?

This is the bit I don't get.

If he wanted to spend time with the toddler, why didn't he say? Why didn't he speak up and say he'd would quite like to take the child to the dentist? Why didn't he just get the table out?

To be it sounds as though he's acting like a spare part then blaming the op.

I have dh who works nights. We had a big chat about this. He felt he missed out on lots with the kids working nights. He said just because I do stuff most of the time, he would like space for him to do things his way with the kids too.
I know try to communicate better. We what's app lots to organise things and check in with each other.
He did explain that he feels its emotionally hard not being the kids go to person but understand why. So we worked on how he could developed his own relationship esp with younger dc. He actually took over bed time every night. They have their own bedtime routine together now

@ChiefWiggumsBoy I'm reading it has she dominates the situation and doesn't give him to opportunity to object

He is objecting but not in a way that’ll will actually solve anything. He just needs to say I can do that rather than whining once it’s done. If it’s 1 week out of 10 he’s available I can see why OP just cracks on but I’d be tempted to completely step back that week and let him sort everything.

Are you mimicking the way your parents behaved when you were growing up?

My DC are in their thirties and I was always the default parent, worked part time and took the responsibility for children, House and home as my DH was the main earner. I don't remember him ever taking them to doctors or dental appointments. If asked he would do anything but I was always in control. This was very much the case for our friends with children too. Different times, very few childcare facilities available and no childcare funding

No…. You aren’t alone. Reading the replies and wondering if I’ve entered some alternate reality.

So your DH works nights.
He sleeps in the day.

So you organise dentist, getting to school, moving a table.. your DH is doing what? Laying in bed or sat around watching you do things?

Is your DH able to see what needs doing, use his words, get up of his ass and do things himself? What does he want? Who is doing these things if not you?

Ask him, “x needs the dentist, do you want to take x?”

If you didn't do the jobs would he automatically do them or would you have to ask? The walking the child thing is ridiculous if you are looking after the child you decide what you are doing. The table, well yes you could have asked or he could have just done it himself? The dentist I think he has a point, I would have said by the way I can do dentist unless your happy to?. The fact that he points these things out after the fact suggests he likes to be the martyr, I feel like if you were asking him to do jobs all the time you would be getting told you are controlling.

Ask him, “x needs the dentist, do you want to take x?”

He'd already agreed to take the DC to the dentist, then she said she's changed her plans so now she's going to do it. No conversation.