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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to reduce sons contact with dad on weekdays

30 replies

gjkufbb · 02/03/2023 15:05

This week will be the 4th time in the past few months I've had a call from the school to say my son wasn't collected. His dad just didn't remember - when I called him to ask what was going on he said oh I just got caught up in work. He is WFH

Once, I can understand, twice was frustrating. I think 4 times is taking the piss tbh. Today is his day to collect him and he's asked me to leave work to get him because apparently he's too busy.

At least he asked me I guess. Much better than receiving that phone call which quite frankly is just embarrassing at this point.

If he can't commit to collecting him on a school day, would you try to restrict his access to just a weekend? I know that's easier said than done. But my god he makes me so angry. Treats me like absolute shit and I'm always the one picking up the slack!

OP posts:
Can2022getanyworse · 02/03/2023 15:09

The advice should be not to answer the phone to school on Dad's days - it's his day, he can take the call. If he doesn't collect or answer the phone then get it documented that he has not collected (they will have made notes already if this is the 4th time).

Obviously it's impossible to leave your ds at school knowing that his dad won't pick him up. But at least email the school to advise that dad should be first contact on his days.

Ffsmakeitstop · 02/03/2023 15:11

Your poor son. I would definitely try and restrict contact to weekends. His son should be a priority to him as he is to you.

Waitingforchid · 02/03/2023 15:12

Can you email school on the morning of Dads contact to tell them it’s Dads day and please can they call him first . If he doesn’t pick up then at least this might help you evidentially

lunar1 · 02/03/2023 15:16

How old is your son? I'd be worried about when else his dad is forgetting about him, 4 times that you know about is excessive and I wouldn't trust he's able to care for him.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 02/03/2023 15:35

Can his dad pay for after-school club on his day and get him later

Original poster
gjkufbb · 02/03/2023 15:43

I involved the school after it happened 3 times. They called him and reminded him of school pick up time and that was it.

My son is 7. I've asked him about after school club but he takes issue with that because he said he doesn't like the staff. (He takes issue with just about everything and everyone. Man can't hold down a job for longer than 6 months usually) the staff have always been lovely when I send him there.

He's honestly just such a vile human being things like this really make me so sad for my son. He doesn't seem to understand thankfully. But he has been in tears before now when I've had to collect him because his dad hasn't.

The school do call him first, he never picks up so they have to call me

OP posts:
DDivaStar · 02/03/2023 15:46

Well ideally the school should call him on his days and you aren't involved. But obviously this depends on the schools stance and could be difficult for your son when he forgets.

Even if he needs a reminder on his phone/ laptop there's no excuse for forgetting.

Beautiful3 · 02/03/2023 15:46

I'd stop him having him in the week, if he's going to forget to collect him! I'd ask him to do every other weekend instead.

Zola1 · 02/03/2023 15:53

Have you had a conversation with your ex about it? Think I'd be saying look this is unacceptable, one more time and I'm stopping your weekday contact as you're unreliable and our son is being emotionally harmed as a result (through being forgotten about!). He needs to make appropriate plans for caring for his 7 year old, or admit he can't commit to the weekday. If you've already done it and warned him and he's forgotten your son again, I'd cut the weekday contact

Original poster
gjkufbb · 02/03/2023 16:01

Yes we've had many conversations. He honestly doesn't care. Doesn't even apologise to DS
Every time I mention cutting weekday contact he says he will call the police or 'take it further' not really sure what that means or what I'm supposed to do.

I just get threatened with a custody battle which nobody wants 😣

OP posts:
Sugarplumfairy65 · 02/03/2023 16:29

gjkufbb · 02/03/2023 16:01

Yes we've had many conversations. He honestly doesn't care. Doesn't even apologise to DS
Every time I mention cutting weekday contact he says he will call the police or 'take it further' not really sure what that means or what I'm supposed to do.

I just get threatened with a custody battle which nobody wants 😣

Stop pissing about and go to court for a child arrangement order.

OliveWah · 02/03/2023 16:52

I would put it in writing in an email to him. Detail what has already happened with the 4 occasions of him failing to collect your DS (include dates where you can recall) and let him know that if this happens again, the direct result will be that he will no longer be responsible for collecting DS from school, as this is not just causing problems for school, but is also having x, y and z impact on your DS. If he then wants to pursue weekday access through the courts, you'll have a record of why you've stopped it. In the meantime, I would get in touch with school and ask them to confirm in an email the dates when your DS has failed to be collected from school on time, so you have evidence from a third party, should it be required at a future date.

I'm sorry your ex is being such an arse, it must be so hard when you're doing your best for your child, to see their other parent basically forgetting they exist - it's unimaginable for most parents to forget to collect their child, isn't it?

lunar1 · 02/03/2023 18:16

Stop the week time contact and let him call the police, it's not going to get him far!

Nevermind31 · 02/03/2023 18:23

gjkufbb · 02/03/2023 16:01

Yes we've had many conversations. He honestly doesn't care. Doesn't even apologise to DS
Every time I mention cutting weekday contact he says he will call the police or 'take it further' not really sure what that means or what I'm supposed to do.

I just get threatened with a custody battle which nobody wants 😣

There don’t be a custody battle. He can’t be bothered to pick up his son, he won’t be bothered with it. And if he does… he keeps forgetting to pick up his child, and you have evidence

LlynTegid · 02/03/2023 18:23

Keep a record of dates and times. Information from the school as suggested.

If you say he is not going to have weekday contact, then you should go through with it 100%. No idle threat, an undertaking you should keep.

Emmamoo89 · 02/03/2023 18:26

Doesn't deserve his son

Zanatdy · 02/03/2023 18:27

he’s totally unreasonable, he can just set an alarm and why should you have to go and collect him as he’s busy. I guess other option is he collects your son from your house a bit later.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/03/2023 18:29

gjkufbb · 02/03/2023 16:01

Yes we've had many conversations. He honestly doesn't care. Doesn't even apologise to DS
Every time I mention cutting weekday contact he says he will call the police or 'take it further' not really sure what that means or what I'm supposed to do.

I just get threatened with a custody battle which nobody wants 😣

So time to call his bluff. You put the child first, which he isn’t and which the court will see

let him call the police, they will advise him it’s his day his responsibility. Let him take it further, he wont

and I would go to court and get a formal agreement of eow

Bunnyishotandcross · 02/03/2023 18:32

You need to start keeping records op. And a time line of his flakiness.
As if the police would get involved
My exh once left me a vm telling me to send dc out or the police and a helicopter were coming and I had 10 mins!
Dc were finishing a game on xbox!

Ketchupwee · 02/03/2023 18:34

gjkufbb · 02/03/2023 16:01

Yes we've had many conversations. He honestly doesn't care. Doesn't even apologise to DS
Every time I mention cutting weekday contact he says he will call the police or 'take it further' not really sure what that means or what I'm supposed to do.

I just get threatened with a custody battle which nobody wants 😣

You say 'OK then, take it to court'. Threats only have the desired impact if they make you back off

MoreSleepPleasee · 02/03/2023 18:40

Stop the weekday contact. He can't even be bothered to collect his 7 year old child from school he's never going to be bothered to take you to court. On the slim chance he does, him not collecting his son will not go in his favour. Surely this is the kind of things school have to report to social services? It is neglect.

Mojoj · 02/03/2023 18:43

OliveWah · 02/03/2023 16:52

I would put it in writing in an email to him. Detail what has already happened with the 4 occasions of him failing to collect your DS (include dates where you can recall) and let him know that if this happens again, the direct result will be that he will no longer be responsible for collecting DS from school, as this is not just causing problems for school, but is also having x, y and z impact on your DS. If he then wants to pursue weekday access through the courts, you'll have a record of why you've stopped it. In the meantime, I would get in touch with school and ask them to confirm in an email the dates when your DS has failed to be collected from school on time, so you have evidence from a third party, should it be required at a future date.

I'm sorry your ex is being such an arse, it must be so hard when you're doing your best for your child, to see their other parent basically forgetting they exist - it's unimaginable for most parents to forget to collect their child, isn't it?

This. And I would bet money his useless father will not bother pursuing anything regarding access to his son.

Ihatethenewlook · 02/03/2023 18:44

Sugarplumfairy65 · 02/03/2023 16:29

Stop pissing about and go to court for a child arrangement order.

Show quote history

Why should the op go through the time, effort and expense of getting a court order which her ex is unlikely to even stick to? Let him take her to court, which I doubt he will. The police will not be interested as there is no court order currently in place, and you can’t get arrested for collecting your child because their father has failed to do so.
I’d stop weekday contact op, your ex can’t be trusted and your child’s well-being is at stake. Don’t worry about threats of court, his excuses won’t wash with them either.

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/03/2023 18:46

Dad needs to provide an emergency contact that is not you for his days.

Crumpleton · 02/03/2023 18:59

I involved the school after it happened 3 times. They called him and reminded him of school pick up time and that was it.

If it's his day and the school do call him to remind him his DS is still there and he doesn't bother rushing there to get him what happens then?
You also work and it must be a nightmare having to leave your work, drop everything and pick your DS up when thinking arrangements have been made.

Is it DS father not wanting a court order put in place?
If so it may be because he won't be able to mess you about like he is now.
If there was an order you could then return and ask for a change to it as ex isn't sticking to it.

Not sure what he thinks the police would do unless there's paperwork to back him up having legal rights in the week and you're preventing him.