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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start again 😩

29 replies

Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 08:36

Changed username for probably obvious reasons here, but I’ve been on here for ages and post regularly. I have 4 kids with my ex husband. And 2 with current partner. I have my older 4 kids 50-50 with their dad. I live with my partner. He moved in with me. All in my name, so if we split he would just move out. I don’t think it’s working. I love him, and we have a lot of fun together. He does make me happy I’d say 70% of the time. He’s a great dad, absolutely no worries there. He does his bit with them and the house ect, works hard.. tells me I’m beautiful every day. He has many good points. But, in the beginning of our relationship he was messaging other women. Liking half naked photos.. commenting on them.. wouldn’t have me on his social media.. things that may be ok for some, were not ok for me. He stopped doing all those things when I told him I wouldn’t accept it. He could either do those things or have me, not both.

So since then he’s done nothing like that. He’s changed those things. But I’m still hurt, I think I’ve forgiven him for messaging other women, but I’m not over it. I think about it a lot and bring it up at least once every couple weeks, this causes arguments because he thinks I should be over it now.

Even if I could get over that stuff, he lies. He lies alot. Not so much about big stuff but alot of small stuff. There’s a few other things that I don’t want to go into as will be outing, he looks at mumsnet sometimes!

basically I’m thinking it’s just not working anymore, I don’t think I can ever be completely happy with him. But I love him very much, and leaving him would be bloody hard, it would break my heart even knowing it’s for the best. I also have 6 kids… 2 different dads.. I’m mid thirties… I do work part time and have some close friends and family but I don’t really have anything going for myself. I feel like no one would want me now anyway and this is the best I’m going to get.

sorry I’m rambling but my question is would i be unreasonable to think I could start again on my own and eventually meet someone else who makes me happier?

i Have been in a situation like this before, but I was younger, and I had fallen out of love with him so it was easier to leave. I’ve never had to break up with someone I’m still madly in love with. So I don’t want to do it lightly, but I think I know I should. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Showmethefood · 02/03/2023 08:39

You should always love and respect yourself enough to look out for yourself and take care of yourself. You have three options really:

  1. stay with him and say nothing
  2. stay with him but only if he agrees to have counselling etc and agrees to change his ways
  3. leave and start a new life.

it’s really difficult when we have these decisions to face. I hope everything works out ok for you

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/03/2023 08:47

I think you can't get over how he behaved at the start of the relationship because you've come to know since then that he lies (there will be the lies you detect and those that you don't know are lies), and you've alluded to other behaviours that are clearly troubling you. In short, you can't trust him so it's no surprise you feel like calling it a day.

Original poster
Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 09:13

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/03/2023 08:47

I think you can't get over how he behaved at the start of the relationship because you've come to know since then that he lies (there will be the lies you detect and those that you don't know are lies), and you've alluded to other behaviours that are clearly troubling you. In short, you can't trust him so it's no surprise you feel like calling it a day.

Yeah that’s it. He is supposed to be earning my trust back but his little lies and not letting me know why he’s late from work ect isn’t helping. I find myself being so anxious all the time. If he ever goes anywhere, to the shop, to work, anywhere he takes ages, a lot longer than most people would, and It makes me anxious. I’ve had friends or family say they saw him somewhere (just casually say “oh I saw your OH in m&s yesterday) and he will deny it when they’ve got no reason to lie.. it’s strange. If we’re together, so have a weekend off together, he’s amazing. We get along so well, but otherwise I’m an anxious mess! I just feel like I can’t live like it anymore. But also that I don’t want to be with out him. Just feels shit.

OP posts:
Led9519 · 02/03/2023 09:16

I think being mid 30’s with 6 kids might be pretty outing btw OP!

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/03/2023 09:17

It's that old mumsnet favourite, the delicious sandwich with a smidgen of shit in it.

Echobelly · 02/03/2023 09:20

It sounds pretty exhausting to be living that way. Clearly you don't feel able to trust him given that behaviour- your choices are either to leave or to give him a chance to change those behaviours really.

Original poster
Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 09:23

Echobelly · 02/03/2023 09:20

It sounds pretty exhausting to be living that way. Clearly you don't feel able to trust him given that behaviour- your choices are either to leave or to give him a chance to change those behaviours really.

Feel like he’s had long time to change them, and have accepted he isn’t going to unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 09:24

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/03/2023 09:17

It's that old mumsnet favourite, the delicious sandwich with a smidgen of shit in it.

That about sums it up actually. So, basically relationships should be perfect. 10/10 and don’t accept less?

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 02/03/2023 09:28

I don't think relationships need to be perfect however the lying would be a deal-breaker for me. Is couples counselling an option or do you think he would carry on lying regardless?

DramaLlama20 · 02/03/2023 09:38

I think you should split, there's no trust there and it's slowly eating away at you. Split up, enjoy the single life for a loooong time. Don't bring anymore kids into the mix (sorry to say that, not trying to be judgey) and just enjoy life for a good long while, enjoy your kids, be at peace, go out with friends. Love life, don't let this shit get you down anymore.

NowAAT · 02/03/2023 09:40

Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 09:24

That about sums it up actually. So, basically relationships should be perfect. 10/10 and don’t accept less?

Show quote history

Relationships don't need to be perfect but there are some things you absolutely shouldn't have to put up with!

Also how do you know he stopped messaging other women? are you going through his phone?

Agreeable · 02/03/2023 09:41

Agree with all the above.

Stop having kids as well, 6 is too many already.

Owlatnight · 02/03/2023 09:45

Why is he lying? To impress you, or as he's scared of letting you down or it's a habit from interacting with someone else in his past? Or is he a Boris Johnson type who appears to be able to get away withies to get his own way? Might be easier to get him to change if you both can work out why

AFS1 · 02/03/2023 09:48

This relationship is clearly over. You don’t trust him. You never really did get over his behaviour at the start of your relationship and if he’s telling lies now, you never will. It’s a shame you went ahead and had 2 children with someone you didn’t actually have trust in, but you can’t turn the clock back.

The thing that stood out for me in your OP is your focus on finding someone else. Focus on yourself, your own self-esteem, your kids, your happiness.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/03/2023 09:52

I think it comes down to the foundations of a good relationship: trust, respect and love. Those need to be in place for it to work, otherwise, as you are finding with the good times and the lies, you end up feeling headfucked.
I can't say you will for sure meet anyone better but if you stay with this man, there is every chance that he will, in time, leave you feeling very broken.

Original poster
Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 09:54

AFS1 · 02/03/2023 09:48

This relationship is clearly over. You don’t trust him. You never really did get over his behaviour at the start of your relationship and if he’s telling lies now, you never will. It’s a shame you went ahead and had 2 children with someone you didn’t actually have trust in, but you can’t turn the clock back.

The thing that stood out for me in your OP is your focus on finding someone else. Focus on yourself, your own self-esteem, your kids, your happiness.

I’m not bothered about being with anyone else right now. But in the future. I feel like I won’t get better than him.

OP posts:
Pearlygates · 02/03/2023 09:58

AFS1 · 02/03/2023 09:48

This relationship is clearly over. You don’t trust him. You never really did get over his behaviour at the start of your relationship and if he’s telling lies now, you never will. It’s a shame you went ahead and had 2 children with someone you didn’t actually have trust in, but you can’t turn the clock back.

The thing that stood out for me in your OP is your focus on finding someone else. Focus on yourself, your own self-esteem, your kids, your happiness.

The thing that stood out for me in your OP is your focus on finding someone else. Focus on yourself, your own self-esteem, your kids, your happiness.

This.

Putthefireon · 02/03/2023 09:59

Its sad you think so little of your self worth. Its obviously his fault, so time to leave the relationship and work on you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/03/2023 10:09

He sounds absolutely awful. Wtf are you doing still with him.

Original poster
Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 10:17

I was single for years before I met him, so I’m not afraid to be alone. It’s not really about being with someone else, it’s more that if I end it, and discover actually he was as good as it gets.

I can’t have anymore children after I nearly died having my last baby, so choice on that is out of my hands anyway.

I feel like couples counselling would be pointless as it’s almost like he can’t stop lying he convinces himself he’s not lying if that makes sense?

I do have full access to his phone, but I rarely look at it because I know things can be deleted and also I don’t like doing it, but I’m 99% sure he isn’t messaging other women, I don’t think that’s an issue anymore but I guesse I could be wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 10:19

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/03/2023 10:09

He sounds absolutely awful. Wtf are you doing still with him.

Well I haven’t felt sort of ready to leave. Even though I think I do need to. It’s all to easy to say “just leave” it’s not always that easy

OP posts:
Original poster
Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 10:23

Owlatnight · 02/03/2023 09:45

Why is he lying? To impress you, or as he's scared of letting you down or it's a habit from interacting with someone else in his past? Or is he a Boris Johnson type who appears to be able to get away withies to get his own way? Might be easier to get him to change if you both can work out why

i think he lies because he thinks he’s trying not to hurt me but obviously he is. I don’t know really to be honest. Probably also a habit. I do think he believes his own Lies. I’m bored of going over it all with him because it doesn’t change.

OP posts:
ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 02/03/2023 10:24

The relationship is unhealthy and setting a very poor example to the children so yes, I would leave. But no way would I "start again" with another man for a good long while, and then I wouldn't be moving him in with my children until they're old enough to leave home. Two dads in the mix is more than enough.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/03/2023 11:03

I know it’s easy for us to say leave, and not easy for you to do, but all the same it’s important to get to grips with the fact that, although difficult and horrible and stressful, it’s the best course of action.

Original poster
Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 11:06

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/03/2023 11:03

I know it’s easy for us to say leave, and not easy for you to do, but all the same it’s important to get to grips with the fact that, although difficult and horrible and stressful, it’s the best course of action.

Yeah I think I already know that. Just rubbish though

OP posts: