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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start again 😩

29 replies

Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 08:36

Changed username for probably obvious reasons here, but I’ve been on here for ages and post regularly. I have 4 kids with my ex husband. And 2 with current partner. I have my older 4 kids 50-50 with their dad. I live with my partner. He moved in with me. All in my name, so if we split he would just move out. I don’t think it’s working. I love him, and we have a lot of fun together. He does make me happy I’d say 70% of the time. He’s a great dad, absolutely no worries there. He does his bit with them and the house ect, works hard.. tells me I’m beautiful every day. He has many good points. But, in the beginning of our relationship he was messaging other women. Liking half naked photos.. commenting on them.. wouldn’t have me on his social media.. things that may be ok for some, were not ok for me. He stopped doing all those things when I told him I wouldn’t accept it. He could either do those things or have me, not both.

So since then he’s done nothing like that. He’s changed those things. But I’m still hurt, I think I’ve forgiven him for messaging other women, but I’m not over it. I think about it a lot and bring it up at least once every couple weeks, this causes arguments because he thinks I should be over it now.

Even if I could get over that stuff, he lies. He lies alot. Not so much about big stuff but alot of small stuff. There’s a few other things that I don’t want to go into as will be outing, he looks at mumsnet sometimes!

basically I’m thinking it’s just not working anymore, I don’t think I can ever be completely happy with him. But I love him very much, and leaving him would be bloody hard, it would break my heart even knowing it’s for the best. I also have 6 kids… 2 different dads.. I’m mid thirties… I do work part time and have some close friends and family but I don’t really have anything going for myself. I feel like no one would want me now anyway and this is the best I’m going to get.

sorry I’m rambling but my question is would i be unreasonable to think I could start again on my own and eventually meet someone else who makes me happier?

i Have been in a situation like this before, but I was younger, and I had fallen out of love with him so it was easier to leave. I’ve never had to break up with someone I’m still madly in love with. So I don’t want to do it lightly, but I think I know I should. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
BloomingXmas · 02/03/2023 12:44

@Ithinkineedout I have never heard anyone say they regret leaving a relationship, but I know plenty who have said they wish they’d done it earlier

Pinkdelight3 · 02/03/2023 12:49

I can’t have anymore children after I nearly died having my last baby, so choice on that is out of my hands anyway.

You don't have to answer here, but just checking that you mean it's 100% medically impossible to have more DC? Because this sounds like exactly what people say a lot on here who then went on to conceive their 'miracle' child while not using contraception because they thought they couldn't have kids.

But back to your point - it's odd that you didn't trust him from the off but still went on to have two kids with him. What's changed more recently to spark the decision to start again? It doesn't sound like he's been a catch at any point but also doesn't sound like he's got worse. Don't get me wrong, it's good that you're drawing a line and that you've got the resources to go it alone. But it definitely needs some work to understand why this happened so it won't happen again. You can't have been single for many years between DC if you're still only mid-30s, so it sounds like you might need to recalibrate to really be happy without a man in your life for a good while. I hope you get there. Lying is a dealbreaker really.

Original poster
Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 12:56

BloomingXmas · 02/03/2023 12:44

@Ithinkineedout I have never heard anyone say they regret leaving a relationship, but I know plenty who have said they wish they’d done it earlier

That’s true actually

OP posts:
Original poster
Ithinkineedout · 02/03/2023 13:02

Pinkdelight3 · 02/03/2023 12:49

I can’t have anymore children after I nearly died having my last baby, so choice on that is out of my hands anyway.

You don't have to answer here, but just checking that you mean it's 100% medically impossible to have more DC? Because this sounds like exactly what people say a lot on here who then went on to conceive their 'miracle' child while not using contraception because they thought they couldn't have kids.

But back to your point - it's odd that you didn't trust him from the off but still went on to have two kids with him. What's changed more recently to spark the decision to start again? It doesn't sound like he's been a catch at any point but also doesn't sound like he's got worse. Don't get me wrong, it's good that you're drawing a line and that you've got the resources to go it alone. But it definitely needs some work to understand why this happened so it won't happen again. You can't have been single for many years between DC if you're still only mid-30s, so it sounds like you might need to recalibrate to really be happy without a man in your life for a good while. I hope you get there. Lying is a dealbreaker really.

Yes medically not possible for me to get pregnant again. Which is fine because the last baby was always my last anyway. I was single for 4 years after leaving my ex husband. Then met my now partner. I had my first baby at 18, 2nd at 20, 3rd at 21 and 4th at 25. Split with my ex husband while pregnant with my 4th. Met my partner when I was almost 30.. so I was single for years, and was happy single. I’m more than ok with being alone for a bit.

OP posts:
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