To think this is the normal pressure of life or am I approaching burnout?

[Hop27]

Basically as the title says, is this normal pressure / family life. I'm honestly not sure if I can keep this up a minute longer.
Senior role, highly pressured environment, 2 hour commute, expected to be in the office 8-5:30 basic daily. Work across 5 time zones, currently rushing home to get to a 7am uk call, which I'm late for.
DSS has moved in with us, DH is trying to
Juggle similar role whilst getting DSS to and from school / sports over an hour away (return) daily.
We have family staying with us, big post COVID holiday which I've wanted so much being trapped overseas but I'm struggling with trying to keep on top of the house, meals, entertaining. I get really stressed if my house isn't show home tidy, especially with guests.
The only thing that is keeping me vaguely sane is my daily trip to the gym, but even that seems to be a huge effort (it generates a lot of laundry) and I'm struggling to operate and my usual fitness / strength levels. I nearly threw up on Wednesday from pushing myself.
I can feel myself pulling away socially, I feel
constantly exhausted, on the brink of tears and like I'm the most disorganised person on the planet.
I honestly just want to hide under the bed for all eternity, is this normal life or have I just got myself completely overwhelmed or is it bigger than that and need to see the GP (again).

I think it sounds pretty much normal life ( I did a complicated international commute before having DS — you mention DSS, but not whether you have children?), but that’s irrelevant if it’s depleting you. Some changes needed, some of it sounds like a mindset thing — how much laundry can really be generated by gym visits? Sports bra, top, leggings, socks? All of which dry pretty much instantly once out of the machine?

Life is far too short for this OP!

You are replaceable at work. You aren’t replaceable to your loved ones.

TBF my DH goes to the gym 5 days a week, and he does seem to generate a huge amount of washing with it. The clothes aren't too bad, but the towels are really bulky and take up a lot of space in the machine. I'd estimate he is adding at least 2 loads a week to the washing with his gym habit. We don't have a tumble dryer, so drying the extra towels in particular is tricky alongside everything else. There are permanently towels and bedding drying over doors at this time of year.

I've just finished work, day started at my desk at 8am so 13 hours.
My commute is an hour each way.
I see my GP because I have a history of MH, self harm and suicidal attempts currently on a mental health plan after I found myself in A&E before Christmas after a nasty episode but I've let work consume me as a way of coping . (Have massive imposter syndrome) Been too busy to find a psychologist to help me understand my situation. Won't take anti- depressants, they make me more suicidal.
I see other people and think why can they cope and I can't, especially women with kids. I've tried a cleaner, but felt like a bit of a failure, when she moved I never bothered replacing her. There is no way I could leave sweaty gym stuff for 7 days, but appreciate that shouldn't be a big deal. We go through 16 sets of just gym or sports kit a week between the 3 of us alone (not including towels)
How genuinely do people cope with the pressures of life without falling apart?
I've tucked myself into bed with some Valium and a later alarm for the morning. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

“Been too busy to find a psychologist to help me understand my situation”

I’m sorry, you’re clearly having a hard time and have some very complex issues.

But no, you haven’t been too busy. You’ve chosen not to do this. This thing that will tell you far more than getting a cleaner.

16 sets of sports kit (towels or not) is just admin. It’s a house rule: all sports kit goes straight into the machine when you get home. Last one to bed tops up the machine from the washing basket if it’s not full - or to keep it even simpler, just selects half load - and presses go. You don’t have to think about it, you don’t let it build up.

That’s so easy that there’s a reason you’re not doing it - and that is why you need a psychologist.

A cleaner is an easy solution. But understanding (and stopping!) the behaviour that needs the house to be perfect for family getting a free holiday, or not bothering to replace the cleaner: that needs a psychologist.

If you are consistently doing 13 hour days with 2 hours committing, then that’s too much pressure for anyone. But the reason you do it - because you’ve chosen work to hide from other things, have imposter syndrome - comes back to the psychologist again.

The laid out tasks to be completed in your life (assuming your job is busy and high pressure but the long hours are driven by you) is above average on job, but still in the realms of “normal”.

It’s your mental health which is the issue, and that’s why you have to stop choosing that you’re “too busy” to find a psychologist. It’s about choices. You could have found a psychologist in the time you spent making your house “show room perfect” for family. Who frankly shouldn’t be allowed their holiday with you if they’re not decent people for you to say, “thank god you’re here - I need your support” so that far from reducing the time you have to find a psychologist and attend therapy, they increase it.

You need to prioritise yourself.

Remember many of the people who you see "coping" are struggling but hiding it. We only see the outside of the people around us but we experience our own inside - so their stress, worry and feelings of failure are often hidden.

But as PPs on here have said those with long hours, stressful jobs, commutes and busy lives cope by making choices and prioritising what is most important to them.

Having a cleaner isn't a sign of failure, it is a conscious decision to get help with that element of life (and it gives someone else the opportunity to earn a living).

For me, I had to consciously change my expectations of myself and recognise what I really cared about and what felt worth stressing about. I still get frustrated that I am not living up to my previous standards but I am less stressed by everyday life.

Well, I’m not you and my situation isn’t directly comparable but here’s how I cope:

I work from home. Commuting and going into offices knackers me so I simply don’t do it (obviously lucky I can do this in my career but I made choices to get to this point).

I’m self employed so I can choose my hours to an extent. If I want to lie in and not start work til lunchtime, I don’t.

I clean my flat and do washing once a week. Yes, I leave a laundry basket of sweaty clothes for a week and sometimes don’t even do the washing up immediately. I have a tiny flat that takes under an hour to clean, but if I had a bigger house I’d have a cleaner, no question.

I hate cooking so I do as little of it as possible. Either my partner does it or I do meals that need as little cooking as possible: pasta, jacket potatoes and salad, mezze type stuff

I do take antidepressants because I know they level out my mental state - tried a few different ones to find the right one

I don’t go to the gym, can’t be arsed. I prefer naps. I keep fit by walking the dogs 2/3 times a day

basically I live life at quite a relaxed pace and do things to make it as easy as I can. I don’t feel like I need to be living at 100mph to be successful. If I tried that, I’d have a breakdown within about a week.

This is ridiculous, you'd never judge a bloke in the same situation who hired a housekeeper to clean and do laundry.
I won't tell you to do that, I will suggest your DH cuts through the crap and does it (right now) though.

You know the principle of "treat others as you would yourself" has a flip side of "treat yourself as you'd treat others", right?

Seriously talk to work, can't you work from home a few days a week? I used to do that commute 3 days a week and it nearly killed me, I'm now doing once every 2 weeks or a month. No difference in output but every difference to my mental health and work life balance.

Short term - what can you outsource. Cleaning, ironing, cooking etc
Long term - therapy to address why you have the imposter syndrome and the need to do it all - work and domestic front. Even taking holiday to sort this out might be good.

If you're senior and joining remote calls then you can WFH a few days a week.

Chill TF out before you get seriously ill. You're showing massive burnout symptoms, read up on it and dial back massively.

Your update is worrying OP. You need trauma focused therapy to learn to get in tune with your body, your emotional self and learn how to love yourself instead of "performing" all the time

You're absolutely approaching burnout. I think your life style needs a big rethink, its not sustainable to try to do so much. And I'd get some therapy to discuss why your level of perfectionism is so high.

Yes this sounds like burnout and overwhelm to me.
The gym kit is a good example actually - it’s not a huge deal but because you’re so overwhelmed it feels like a bigger issue than it is. That’s what happens when you’re spinning too many plates - it really doesn’t take much to knock them down. I really hope you can carve out some time to put in place some life changes - because you are heading straight to a breakdown if you carry on this path im afraid.

It's not 'normal' levels of stress, because you've not kept your commitments to 'normal' levels.
Why on earth have you got guests staying while you're working? We've got a strict rule - guests are only allowed on Friday and Saturday nights, and you must arrive no earlier than approx 3pm Friday, and entertain yourself until 5.30pm when I can switch off my laptop.
And why is your gym habit creating SO much laundry? I run and go to the gym, and like hell am I washing my clothes each time! A few wears and a good airing afterwards does the job. Maybe grab a fresh tshirt if needed. You're only wearing it all in a smelly sweaty environment anyway!

It is a lot, but it is all changeable. You are putting yourself under your own pressure. Change jobs, leave the housework, have a gentle session in the gym.

Personally, I cope with life by doing about a quarter of what you do. I got tired just reading that. What's the point of it all? If you're doing all this to try and get away from your MH problems then I would suggest, in the nicest way possible, it isn't working

If you are doing all of that yourselves, it's too much, however I couldn't see what kind of help you have at home. With two senior level jobs, you should be able to afford to outsource the majority of housework, other than picking up after yourselves as you go along.

As well as childcare (my DC are primary school age), my DC Nanny also cooks and cleans, so you could look for a similar arrangement to help at home.

In terms of work, so many are hybrid now. Unless you are a doctor or genuinely need to be face to face every day, I'd be cutting that commute to 2 or 3 days per week, and doing the rest from home. That would allow you time to go to gym before/after work on days you are not commuting. If not possible to WfH in your current role, I'd look for a new job.

Yep, expected to be physical in the office 8 to 5.30 and do calls outside of this is too much. Your work is all take and no give. They expect you to be flexible but they’re not offering the same in return.

You sound like you are running on adrenaline. We all need to look after our MH, but that is doubly so if you’ve had past issues. So you need to running running away from it and take it seriously.

Sort out a therapist, but also have a serious sit down with your husband about how you’re feeling. You need to hand over a lot of housework and cleaning for a start. Not bothering to replace your cleaner is not responsible - get help in now. If leaving gym kid is an issue and you like a really tidy house, get them in twice a week.

A huge part of successful working parenthood is dropping your standards - you can discuss with your therapist / husband where the need for a show home comes from, and tackle that belief.

Can you work at home for a day or two a week?

Sit down with your husband today and start taking this seriously.

Lots of jobs don’t allow working from home, for multiple reasons, you can’t necessarily just decide to do it.

@Luredbyapomegranate that's why I said if not possible to WfH in your current role, I'd look for a new job.

Can you rent a room during the week nearer your work and go home weekends.
Guests can fend for themselves and DSS is your husband's responsibility

Sounds too much to me. I also work senior role and worked 8am to 11pm this week. Only reason I'm coping is I've done nothing domestically. DD is at my Mum's. DH is dealing with everything else. I'm taking tomorrow off.
Hard fact, if you don't look after yourself noone else will..... Your company hired you for a reason. If you are dedicated and good at your job, stand up for yourself. Push for hybrid working. WFH is massive game changer. Sell it that it will help with dealing with the time zone issue if you aren't commuting so much. Get a cleaner back. You are not paying for cleaning you are paying for down time. How much do you need/value that??? Manage the work load as much as you can with scheduling meetings don't just automatically say yes to everything if it doesn't suit you.
Trust me if you are rested happy and relaxed your productivity will be higher and you will be a nicer person to work with. I sometimes go ride my horse or have a shower when I have something complex I need to mull over. Thinking space is important. If you are going at 100mph constantly fire fighting on all fronts you won't deliver the best work you can. I'm not saying take the piss but every now and then it doesn't hurt to take a break or get a different perspective.

You sound on the verge of a nervous breakdown. None of this sounds even remotely healthy. As well as looking at ways to cut back on doing so much in your life I think you'd also benefit from therapy for your own mental health. Poor mental health coupled with having to be 'on' almost all the time is a recipe for disaster.