To wonder if this is jealousy

[Feelslikespring2]

So long story short I have always struggled with women

When I was at school I had a few good friends but I would always hear about girls in my year who I'd never spoken to and some I didn't even know who apparently 'hated me' and 'had it in for me' and would try and turn other girls against me.

Then as an adult some of my friends will compliment each other on a night out but not me. I'm not saying I deserve a compliment bit surely you would say something at least out of politeness if giving one to everyone else.

My Dh always says 'they're probably jealous' but I feel like this is something he says to make me feel better because that's what husbands do.

Aibu to wonder if this could actually be the case though?

I feel like this would somewhat be easier to accept then just being so repellent that women simply don't like me or want much to do with me.

If you have treated someone differently because you've been jealous what did you do and why? Also, anyone else had a similar experience with other females?

I think you're DH could be right. Why would anyone dislike someone when they haven't even had a chance to get to know them.. genuine friends wouldn't compliment others and make it obvious to someone else that thy're leaving them out.. I wouldn't do that to my friends. I actually had a 'friend' who did this as well as other things which didn't sit well with me. I ended up cutting them off and have never regretted it. I currently have good friends who are not so insecure and I know I wasn't imagining my 'ex friend's ' previous behaviour. . Don't be afraid to keep people at a distance or end a friendship that is not working for you.

A friend should leave us feeling good about ourselves and equally we should do the same for them.If we disagree at times, which will happen we should still be respectful, and a friend should not 'intentionally' do things to hurt our feelings unless they're extremely inconsiderate.

Vile. ^

You nasty piece of work.
What a bitchy comment.

Why is this bitchy? It seems like it's probably the most likely to me. Sometimes people don't like you. Who knows why. Ignore them and focus on those that do like you.

It’s very likely that these women are jealous.
If you don’t get the same cold treatment from men but always from women, then they are jealous of something about you, especially looks.
Women are bitchy. All this sisterhood nonsense is a pile of rubbish. Women are rivals, and we all know that. When they have a common enemy (abusive men) they close ranks but otherwise it’s a vipers’ nest. 🐍

You must be beautiful. That’s my gut feeling. It’s jealousy or maybe just an awkwardness to acknowledge… it’s rare to encounter a very beautiful person and it’s quite arresting. Almost makes one feel shy so I think that’s probably the reason. Don’t worry about the lack of compliments! Xx

It's not all about beauty. You could be the most beautiful one in the crowd but the most confident one/charismatic one that has a great attracting energy will always turn heads hence why those that can't see that which is often the same sex, can't understand why and can envy you and sometimes see you as the one to watch out for. A beautiful person with a great body shape you can compliment easily as you can see it with your bare eyes but those that have natural charisma then you become a target I think.

The first line tells the whole story.

The fact that you've "always struggled with other women" makes it clear cut that it's you, not them.

For years I felt like something was wrong with me because of strange interactions and other people said to me it was jealousy. Men and women. I thought no way, nothing to be jealous of etc, there are a while range of things it could be.

But I see now that a lot of times it was. Jealousy is one of the first and most basic human emotions, people rationalise their way out of it, but it remains. People have been rude to me on sight without me saying a word. I used to walk to school and have girls on the street say “she thinks she owns the place.” I was 11 and silent and shy 🤣

so I don’t think it can be ruled out at all.

What an unkind thing to say. Perhaps you're the type not giving compliments.

I think make an effort to meet new friends. You want to spend time with kind, confident people

Oh I wish that were the case. Plenty of older women pick on young , attractive females 🥲

This happens all the time. I’ve seen it a lot and feel so awful for the younger woman, knowing that in years past it has been me and my friends on the receiving end wondering wtf we had done wrong when it was someone else’s issue and nothing to do with us. This is why now I am older I see more and more that it’s jealousy.

Littleflowerseverywhere‘s posts have nailed it really. Plenty of women don’t give compliments, they give scathing remarks dressed up as “honesty” or “advice”.

It is most likely jealousy, due to the way women form and maintain friendships in what psychologists sometimes call a “flattened hierarchy.” I’ve had similar issues which I always attributed to a lack of female socialization when I was very young even though people told me many times that it was jealousy. It took me quite some time to come around to the idea that it was down to that. (I still have a hard time with it. I rewrote that last sentence about seven times and look how vague it is! Not receiving appropriate compliments/accolades from your female peers can really do a number on your self-image over the years. It’s not the same when it’s only from men.)

Anyway, there’s a lot of good research about it in terms of relational aggression. I recently picked up a few books about RA and women, particularly in the workplace.

This... any woman who says "other women don't like me" or "I've always gotten along better with men"...

Fwiw my best friend is absolutely beautiful, supermodel standard..she was my bridesmaid and probably absolutely looked soo much better than me... however I didn't care! My husband wasn't marrying her.. my friends and family all hugged me and were there to see me.. my photos are just love and beauty! I'm not s stunner but I looked radiant because I was so happy!!

Could you be giving off an "aloofness" or "unapproachable" vibe?

Your DH correct, it’s jealously. There is no other reason for other women to dislike you and ‘have it in for you’ when they don’t actually know you - but do know how you look. How to prevent it? Don’t waste time even thinking about this. Concentrate on your real friends who know that you’re a good person.

Jealousy seems to be the 'go to' emotion that women are accused of simply because they weren't nice or were mean to someone. I've never understood that. If someone doesn't like me I'd never assume it was because they were jealous myself, I'd think I irritated them, or maybe they disagreed with a view point.
Also, not being nice is just that. It doesn't have to be unkind but maybe you weren't invited somewhere or no one chose to partner you in sport...that just means they prefer other people. I'd put not complementing someone in this box.
It's quite self obsessed to think everyone has an opinion on you.

@Stopthebusplease
Is it so horrible? OP hinted at this herself....and why would you assume @Littleflowerseverywhere is 'one of those people....' I'd actually imagine she's really not that bothered about receiving complements and when she does she's likely to agree and think "Yes, I'm pleased I chose to wear my hair up/I pleased all my hard work resulted in a good grade/ thanks, I made it myself. I could do one for you..."

Agree with this. In my experience, the (mostly) only time women are jealous of good looking women is if they act like they know they are good looking. In my early 20s I got a lot of attention, and many girls immediately disliked me. I get on with almost all women now and the only thing that has changed is I'm way less cocky and generally a much nicer person, so I realised it wasn't my looks, it was my personality.

I personally do not believe women don't get on with women just because they are jealous of their beauty, or success or whatever. There must be something else that maybe you aren't aware of, something you are doing that's coming across a certain way?

Maybe its the "I just get on with men waaaay better" attitude. I tend to avoid those people admittedly. It gives off a "I'm different to the other girls x" vibe

@MissEira
I'm being genuine here, not goady. What makes you so sure (definite!) that it's jealousy? Why not irritation, fear, disinterest etc. Why jealousy? I've been envious, but my feelings arent negative as such and theyre internal not towards that person. Occasionally l think lve been jealous but that usually involves attention from others which I find irritating eg when a work colleague does a presentation and (in my eyes) it's mediocre and everyone's fawning over them like it was special, or maybe a celebrity is revered as beautiful and I think, she's just a little bit pretty with a great stylist and a ton of money....I don't want to be that person, Il might even 'rate' myself higher. I don't even want the attention they're getting, I just want everyone to have a reality check and stop fawning. That feeling would make me avoid that person, and I definitely won't pay them a compliment because I don't thing it's appropriate.

One of my friends has always been avoided by other women. She’s so kind and lovely, but she’s very tall, elegant and self assured. I’ve heard her described as stand offish, up her own arse, arrogant… she’s none of those things!

I think some women can be awful for a multitude of reasons, mostly unfathomable to me.
I would say be careful it hasn’t become self fulfilling, because of your earlier life experiences, that ‘s now coming across in your body language and general demeanour.
I think sometimes it’s worth looking
at your own behaviours and perhaps journaling to see if you can see a common theme in these interactions.

I started a new job in the midst of Covid in a mask. Wore my mask for several months so no one had ever seen my face. I was treated fine, with warmth and friendliness when masked. After several months I removed my mask. I was immediately treated differently by the women. They slowly became distant and the atmosphere hostile. Behaviours included general uncooperativeness, commenting and audible remarks - nothing I could make stick but it absolutely happened to me. I noticed that they even began to imitate my style (make up).

A friend also had a similar experience in her workplace when she got dressed up for a Christmas do. Up until that point she had only ever been seen in uniform, hair swept up and minimal face on. Well the next day at work was a whole different experience for her - not in a positive way.

I'm unsure whether it is jealousy or a form of bullying. I could not even report it because I sounds nuts but I know what I experienced.

I think you are being perfectly reasonable. This is a real 'thing'. Sadly women on women get less air time than men on women issues in my opinion.

Sorry op that you are experiencing this. This is no humble brag either.

If you always look nice, people may not feel the need to say anything. For example if A has always got her nails done, but B has done it as a one off for the night out, I'm probably more likely to comment on B's.

However, if you've "always struggled with women", and it's not just about the occasional missing compliment, I agree with PP that there could be something about your behaviour that puts other women off. Confidence and insecurity can both come off as cockiness sometimes. I know I sometimes used to show off in search of compliments when I was younger, and in hindsight it didn't come across well.

Yes