Struggling to cope with the pain of fallout with twin sister

[yellowcourgette]

Hi everyone. I've posted about this before but can't seem to find my old posts.

After years and years of not getting on, I decided to go no contact with my sister after a particularly traumatic visit to her in the summer (she has moved to America). Our past is filled with jealousy and resentment, admittedly from both sides, but I increasingly feel like I have tried to be friends for a long time. I tried really hard to make her wedding nice, have visited and have given thoughtful gifts, but we have consistently fluctuated between getting on and massively falling out over what other people would see as trivial things. There is a long history of her being incredibly hurtful with her words, and me defending myself. e.g. I do something she percieves as selfish (but I would disagree, it's usually me establishing a need/boundary) and multiple messages about how selfish and awful I am and how I only care about myself etc. I find this really damaging. She genuinely seems to think everything is all my fault, but I genuinlely feel that I have tried my best to be good to her. I have gritted my teeth so much, but then felt set up and backed into corners, which causes me to evantually crack and behave a certain way (e.g. assert a need, like doing a task) and then I am the bad person. It's all very complicated and I don't want to bore everyone. She says I play the victim, but I feel genuinely bullied and treated badly and I feel completely traumatised by it. I feel desperate to get on, but unable to jump through the hoops she sets and I ultimately fail (she is extremely controlling and needs everything a certain way; she has an eating disorder which I think is a major conributor).

I have I have found this incredibly difficult and absolutely heartbreaking. My parents are very upset and keep laying on how awful it is for them that we don't get on. I constantly explain that unless I get a proper apology and understanding from my sister about my behaviour then I can't just move on. I genuinely feel incapable of this - I have so much hurt inside me that I would simply be pretending.

I want to scream from the rooftops how awful she has been and how sad I am. I want my parents to understand me and comfort me. They go so far as to acknowledge that she has treated me badly, but won't go any further in acknowledging the pain. They just want us to get on. They don't want to rock the boat; they won't talk to her about her behaviour. They want to talk about us getting on but every time I mention her behaviour they 'don't want to hear about it'.

She has since sent me a couple of music videos and pictures, probably her idea of reaching out and 'making up'. I replied saying that I don't want to be treated like she has treated me and I love her and wish her the best but I want to leave it there. To that I received a message that she was vrey disapointed that I can't see how awful I've been and again I'm playing the victim and how selfish I am.

I just cannot cope with this anymore. I can't seem to cope with either option, either 1. lose my sister and my parents being upset or 2. being treated badly and/or pretending to be OK with what's happened. I feel like I have PTSD or something. I feel suicidal about it. I want to be heard and my pain recognised by the people I love, notably my parents.

I recognise that I probably need extensive therapy about this. But until then, has anyone got any advice as to how to process all these feelings? I am struggling to accept that I won't get the resolution that I want, or anything close to it.

Sorry this is so long. I guess I just need to type it out, so thanks for reading at least. I am so, so sad and on my own in a crappy hotel room and just crying my eyes out.

To add to the parent comments.

I KNOW this is horrible for them. I wish more than anything that I could have a happy relationship with my sister. It is very hard to hear my mum telling me how much it is hurting them. But that is just completely disregarding my hurt. Not ONCE have they asked me if I'm OK about it, how do I feel, that they are sorry for what's happened to me. The worst thing is that they have first-hand seen this behaviour, but told me to specifically to bottle it up to make it easier for everyone.

In America, I ended up leaving early because I couldn't bear it. I was heartbroken. I ended up missing out on what would most likely be the only time the four of us would ever be together again, because I 'took one for the team' to make everyone else happy. I held it all in to not upset my parents.

The thing that really hurts is that they acknowledged that I have tried, and have acknowledged that her behaviour has been awful, but say that they 'don't want to pick sides'. In this case I feel abandoned. Chosing to ignore her behaviour and 'not getting involved' is essentially siding with my sister and I feel really hurt that my parents are more concerned with their own feelings than my hurt.

Gently though, what would you have them do? They've said you're mainly in the right but your sister is an adult, they can't force her to change her behaviour or apologise for her actions so to some extent they can't take sides.

Honestly, I want my Mum and Dad to acknoweldge how she's behaved, and to stop making excuses for her, and to also stop with the whole '6 of one and half a dozen of the other'. I feel really dismissed and it's really painful when your closest family minimises and dismisses your pain. My Mum has always been the person I go to for everything, and my parents are a huge support for me. Although this is waining as they get older, understandably, which is another thing that I have to deal with.

I want them to be able to talk back to my sister when she brings up these things and to push back just a little bit. I can't see anything changing though.

It sounds really hard for your parents if you are both saying to them "you need to make her realise she's the one in the wrong and she needs to apologise for everything. What do you mean you want them to 'talk back and push back at her' on your behalf?

Are you a grown up?
Why do you need your parents to chose a side?

When twins argue and fight, it's normally much worse than just siblings.

All. Or nothing

It's not about picking a side. It's about recognising and acknowledging the very clear hurt you see your child going through at the hands of someone else, regardless of who that person is. I don't expect them to shout and scream at my sister and punish her (although deep down I would like them to) but I essentially feel abandoned and completely unheard. It is essentially easier for them not to act on her behaviour so that is what they are doing.

I appreciate that recognition and support from parents is not something that everyone wants or needs, but in the case of identical twins it can be very complicated and it can be really hard to get out of that dependant child-like state. I don't expect everyone to understand, and I don't think you truly can unless you're an identical twin.

Actually @yellowcourgette the examples you describe and the cumulative effect of dealing with multiple similar issues do sound very bad. I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. I understand your need to have your parents validate your experiences but I am willing to be t they are part of your problems too and always have been. The dysfunctional patterns of behaviour that happened between yourself and your sister especially in early childhood should have been managed by them as you were developing and even the presence of eating disorders and now further mental health issues for your sister are likely down to some even subtle type of trauma yourself and your sister experienced in childhood. I would suggest you should read Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It is not about blaming your parents, most likely they did the absolute best they could but it is about recognising the issues this might still be causing you. The you tube channel I mentioned is all about individualing from this behaviour and being able to put yourself out of the reach from the continued emotional harm arising from it.

I don't get on with my sibling who is very difficult and also nasty to my parents. Fortunately they live far away so I rarely see them but my parents still lay on the guilt that we should be besties. I mostly refuse to talk about sibling with my parents or vice versa.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Personally I don't think anyone needs to be close to their sibling although of course it's nice if you are.

My grandmother was a twin. I only met her twin twice, and once was at Gran's funeral, because they loathed each other. I never thought to ask how their parents felt about it.

If they can see that she has behaved badly, and acknowledge it, but then refuse to offer you the least bit of understanding and support then they have inadvertently already picked a side. The easier side for them to pick because it will have less repercussions for them. If they were to say anything to your Sister then she will likely get angry with them, argue with them and then quite likely punish them. Up until now you haven't done anything that they think would 'punish' then and they don't think you ever would so putting the pressure on you to make things right is the easier option.

Reading everyone's comments had been eye opening. I have similar relationships with a couple of my sisters, but because I am so much younger than them I can just walk away and take time out when I need to. They just blame it on me being the youngest and get in with having a great RESPECTFUL relationship with the other older sisters.

I am wary with how much I share with them because in their eyes I am always in the wrong and their way is infinitely superior to my pathetic attempts at adulting.

My eldest sister must have realised that at the last get together she didn't get to talk to me at all and has tried to 'book me in for brunch' the next get together that she comes over for (flies in for the weekend). She didn't talk to me because the 3 of them were constantly huddled together and if I approached them after a few minutes they would wander away, and huddle up together again without me, so I gave up trying and just ignored them.

It would be so much harder for me if there was an expectation of closeness that there is with twins or when you only have two siblings.

I also feel a lot of recognition looking at your post. I badly fell out with my sibling over a fairly extreme bit of bad behaviour on her part, which I have been tempted to post about for advice on here but it’s quite Jeremy Kyle guest style so I haven’t.

My parents also didn’t get too involved from my angle, which has hurt our relationship too as it was pretty irrefutable how badly she’d behaved, and I think that they should’ve stuck their necks out a bit more to point out what a shit she’d been (they actually felt protective of my sister as so many people were furious at her as a result, so came out fighting on her behalf despite her shittiness also really hurting me).

So I get where you’re coming from with the feelings of unfairness re your parents, I also agree with other posters saying it’s childish - it is - but I think despite how old you are when relationships are under pressure this stuff bubbles up. You become that child pondering about how unfair it is.

Two years on though I’ve realised after a period of feeling absolutely desolate, that living life too attached to all this just isn’t worth it. I can’t change my sister, she’s a low empathy, selfish person who doesn’t care about consequences, I’ve got to accept her as she is (she’s got good points) and can’t change her. Likewise she’s now got to accept there are new boundaries that aren’t coming down, and our relationship won’t be what she wants it to be. Likewise my parents need to accept that my needs matter too, and it’s not going to be glossed over for their sake, we’ve tried that and it doesn’t work. I also need to accept that my parents will also run around after my sister, whatever she does.

So making a very concerted effort not to engage with it all and concentrate on the brilliant family I created with my husband instead, which is a positive force in my life. Also not to be drawn into what is fair, what isn’t, and any drama. If my sister behaves like an arsehole I will try not to let it touch me.

Think we both need to try that, and if it doesn’t work have a fuck ton of therapy.

I so get where you're coming from OP. I have a slightly older sister who is bullying and controlling and who will send awful cheater assassination emails derailing how selfish and cruel I am when I don't do what she wants. The 'it takes two' thinking is very short sighted. A bully is a bully and we don't blame victims in other circumstances. For me, therapy has helped me see that her words have no meaning. I'm not cruel for not spending money I don't have on a night out because she wants one for example. Her name calling does not mean its true. It's just a tantrum. She has also never apologised. Not just to me. To friends she has done this to aswell. Well, ex friends. She sends gifts sometimes. Not good thoughtful ones. Generic things. I think that sometimes is her attempt at an apology. She's a troubled woman. I wish her well but I don't have to be her punch bag.

I really feel for you OP, have dreadful relationship with my father. So much good info on here, I've ordered the book about making peace (with yourself I hope!) Hugs xx

Also, I so understand that it's all the things that sound petty to an outsider, death by a thousand cuts isn't it. You need to protect yourself and go LC