Struggling to cope with the pain of fallout with twin sister

[yellowcourgette]

Hi everyone. I've posted about this before but can't seem to find my old posts.

After years and years of not getting on, I decided to go no contact with my sister after a particularly traumatic visit to her in the summer (she has moved to America). Our past is filled with jealousy and resentment, admittedly from both sides, but I increasingly feel like I have tried to be friends for a long time. I tried really hard to make her wedding nice, have visited and have given thoughtful gifts, but we have consistently fluctuated between getting on and massively falling out over what other people would see as trivial things. There is a long history of her being incredibly hurtful with her words, and me defending myself. e.g. I do something she percieves as selfish (but I would disagree, it's usually me establishing a need/boundary) and multiple messages about how selfish and awful I am and how I only care about myself etc. I find this really damaging. She genuinely seems to think everything is all my fault, but I genuinlely feel that I have tried my best to be good to her. I have gritted my teeth so much, but then felt set up and backed into corners, which causes me to evantually crack and behave a certain way (e.g. assert a need, like doing a task) and then I am the bad person. It's all very complicated and I don't want to bore everyone. She says I play the victim, but I feel genuinely bullied and treated badly and I feel completely traumatised by it. I feel desperate to get on, but unable to jump through the hoops she sets and I ultimately fail (she is extremely controlling and needs everything a certain way; she has an eating disorder which I think is a major conributor).

I have I have found this incredibly difficult and absolutely heartbreaking. My parents are very upset and keep laying on how awful it is for them that we don't get on. I constantly explain that unless I get a proper apology and understanding from my sister about my behaviour then I can't just move on. I genuinely feel incapable of this - I have so much hurt inside me that I would simply be pretending.

I want to scream from the rooftops how awful she has been and how sad I am. I want my parents to understand me and comfort me. They go so far as to acknowledge that she has treated me badly, but won't go any further in acknowledging the pain. They just want us to get on. They don't want to rock the boat; they won't talk to her about her behaviour. They want to talk about us getting on but every time I mention her behaviour they 'don't want to hear about it'.

She has since sent me a couple of music videos and pictures, probably her idea of reaching out and 'making up'. I replied saying that I don't want to be treated like she has treated me and I love her and wish her the best but I want to leave it there. To that I received a message that she was vrey disapointed that I can't see how awful I've been and again I'm playing the victim and how selfish I am.

I just cannot cope with this anymore. I can't seem to cope with either option, either 1. lose my sister and my parents being upset or 2. being treated badly and/or pretending to be OK with what's happened. I feel like I have PTSD or something. I feel suicidal about it. I want to be heard and my pain recognised by the people I love, notably my parents.

I recognise that I probably need extensive therapy about this. But until then, has anyone got any advice as to how to process all these feelings? I am struggling to accept that I won't get the resolution that I want, or anything close to it.

Sorry this is so long. I guess I just need to type it out, so thanks for reading at least. I am so, so sad and on my own in a crappy hotel room and just crying my eyes out.

Sounds like a very sad and stressful situation OP.
I had a very bad fallout with a close family member after years of a complicated relationship. It was incredibly hard and I was devastated. We didn’t speak for 2 years and it caused a lot of pain not just to the two of us involved but to the wider family too so I understand that feeling of pressure. After 2 years we did resume contact but only in a ‘can be civil’ kind of way and mainly for the benefit of other family members.
Ultimately you have to do what is right for you and look after yourself. Well done for knowing your boundaries.
Sounds cliche but time is a healer. In the meantime do you have a support system? My DH was a real help to me in that time so I hope you have someone to talk to. Definitely try therapy, I did and it helped.
Look after yourself

Send him to Halford’s for some indicator fluid while he’s out. Oh and maybe that tin of tartan paint you’ve been looking for 😇😇😇

Without knowing what you've actually been doing that your sister has fallen out with you about, it's hard to advise who is right or wrong and what to do going forward tbh..

OP I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I have a strikingly similar scenario with my DB. I think that because they're family, you feel you need to please them. That's how I felt anyway. I found that when I put my needs first and set boundaries, it helped massively. Your parents will have to accept if you don't want to speak to your sister. It's your life and yours and your sisters relationship, not theirs, and they should be understanding of that. Once I cared less about how if affected the rest of my family, it was liberating. We are civil when we are together, and that's it. I don't divulge any information about my life to him, and keep interactions polite but short.

They may call you selfish, but at the same time, it's selfish of them to expect you to put your mental health and feelings on the back burner just to please them and not rock the 'happy family' boat. Put yourself first OP. You don't have to be so cut and dry, just distance yourself.

Wrong thread I think 😬

You admit it’s partly you. You do seem to be playing the victim, and seem to want your parents to take sides. If your sister is a problem, she’s certainly not the only one here.

It’s hard to know how bad your sister has treated you from the limited information from your OP but you have acknowledged that there has been fault on both sides. I’m so sorry you feel so low about your fractured relationship with her but the one thing I did pick up on is that you are putting your parents in an impossible situation. You need to accept that they will never take sides and neither should they as you’ve mentioned a lot of the fallouts have been over trivial issues. “They don’t want to hear about it” says to me that they refuse to be drawn in to a bitching session and I can imagine they have said the same to your sister if that is any comfort to you.

You now need to respect your parents boundaries by not drawing them in to the drama and focus on yourself and your own happiness. You don’t need to go completely NC with your sister but you can completely distance yourself from her if she is affecting your mental health. Grey rock her. Respond to occasional texts with very bland updates. Ignore all phone calls and apologise a couple of days later with a “sorry, I’ve had a lot on” text. Make polite small talk with your parents if they bring her up and then change the subject. Get rid of all SM if this is fuelling the jealousy and resentment. Sounds ideal that she’s another continent away so you won’t see her too often and again, when you do, be civil, polite and have excuses ready for why you can’t stay too long. Always be driving when you see her at family gatherings so alcohol can’t affect your emotions.

Sounds difficult though OP. I have huge sympathy but you need to protect your own health and happiness first and you need to find a way of doing that without unloading everything on to your parents.

Op thats hard. Unfortunately not all families close. My sister can be a madam but has calmed down lol. You might just have to keep a distance. Families are complicated.

Jerry Wise has an excellent you tube channel and podcast dealing with the issues you are dealing with. I had something similar in my family too except there was abuse ignored too.

If someone routinely behaves really shittily in a way that harms you and doesn’t allow boundaries or allow you to call out their harmful behaviour then you are dealing with a person with at best a problematic personality and at worst a personality disorder. I always think of the words of Dr Phil when he spoke about narcissists (not that I’m a fan of him) he said that he doesn’t have to tools or skills to change them, well if he doesn’t have the tools with his significant connections in psychology and psychiatry what chance do the rest of us have.

By the way Jerry Wise focusses on getting to a point to maintain the relationships with full emotional separation.

From what I can tell you're fallen out over trivial things, you think it's all her fault. She thinks it's all your fault.
It's probably 50/50.
Your parents are probably sick of it, and are doing the right thing by refusing to be drawn into one side.

At any rate if one of you is going to stick on "it's all their fault", it's very unlikely that you'll be able to make up because that requires the other one to do a full about turn.

But you say *I feel desperate to get on," but then your reaction when she sends you a music video, which you recognise that perhaps she's trying to smooth things over, doesn't look that way.

She sent you something on neutral grounds and you used it to go straight back on the attack. Ignore it if you don't want a relationship with her.

Therapy is the only way, get it as soon as you can. Look up Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT).

I know someone who had ptsd from living with a sibling with a personality disorder, so it definitely can happen.
I also recognise the dynamic you describe. I've heen nc with my sibling for years and it has changed my relationship with my dm, despite her complaining and bitching about them my whole life, she now can't comprehend why I'm so extreme as to be nc. It's a tough situation to be in, but hold strong and maintain your boundaries for your own sake. BTW, I realised years later theat I think the person has borderline personality disorder and I am their trigger.

Hi @yellowcourgette , have name changed for this.

I just have to reply to this. Give or take a few details, I am you in this situation (we're identical twins), and I've never really met anyone who gets my position.

We have been close in the past and occasionally still are, but the damage from decades of what I can only call abuse have eroded that.

I too have felt suicidal and traumatised over the years. I get it- I really, really do and it felt so strange and familiar reading your post.

Our 'fallings out' are always over ridiculously trivial things. I say fallings out , but I tend not to respond (she sends hateful, scathing, character-assinations out of the blue - people don't get it saying you're equally to blame- I believe you and I really do empathise).

Even friends with a listening ear who say the right things- I don't blame them for probably thinking it's 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. Because to an 'outsider' of course it looks that way.

My sister sends me random links out of the blue by way of what I can only assume is some sort of apology. But never any acknowledgement of how she's behaved, and god forbid I bring it up...

I am self aware and very critical of myself. I'm very forgiving and compassionate. I hold my hands up whenever I am to blame, and sometimes even when I'm not. But I can say with absolute certainty that I'm not equally to blame in these situations with my sister.

Apologies for talking a lot about me OP but I want you to know that I hear you and I get it. If you want to pm me, please do.

Yep this was our dynamic too. Never ever apologised for mad angry outbursts and I got the character assassinations too. No predictable trigger so I was always walking on eggshells. Look up borderline personality disorder

I have been and still am in a similar situation and the first thing that you absolutely need to do is accept the fact that your parents cannot validate your feelings. The will almost certainly love you both and of course they want you to get on.

My Sister DOES have a problem with the way she sees things and relates to others and she absolutely was very very unkind to our late (and latterly very elderly) Mother on many occasions. Mum would look to me for support and I often had her on the phone in tears. But the thing was she ALWAYS forgave her because, as she said, 'she is my daughter and I love her although I don't like her most of the time'. My Mother would not support me when I was on the receiving end of my Sister's unkindness for the same reason. It hurt her that the two of us don't get on.

Sometimes family members just don't get on. End of. Like you I tried very very hard to establish a reasonable relationship with my Sister, but I always did the wrong thing ( according to my Sister). It took me a long time to realise that while I probably wasn't entirely innocent in my dealings with her, ( I used to try and keep my temper and then eventually I would crack and lose it verbally, which made me feel awful) SHE actually is the one with the major problem. She has fallen out over the years with almost everyone who has been in her life. Whether it's with people in Authority, Romantic partners, etc. She sees people as disrespecting her and putting her down, when nothing could be further from the truth. That is her problem and I can't change that.

However, like you, I do love her - she is my sister, after all. But - I don't want to have very much to do with her. Going NC though is a bit dramatic. You don't need to make a big thing of it. Simply go LC. Your sister is now in America. Just don't contact her first, and if she sends you 'nice' correspondence, reply nicely and completely ignore anything that is nasty? It's how I have compromised. I would have replied nicely when she sent the music videos and the pictures to be honest.

Maybe some therapy would help you to work through your feelings, but please try not to blame your parents for not taking sides. It isn't going to happen - and I really do know that from my own personal experience, and understand, finally, why they won't

Yep this was our dynamic too. Never ever apologised for mad angry outbursts and I got the character assassinations too. No predictable trigger so I was always walking on eggshells. Look up borderline personality disorder

YUP - walking on eggshells sums up my earlier post. My sister is very good at keeping her temper and is also very 'verbally' skilled. So she can be very very hurtful and unkind without losing her temper. She deliberately goads me until she finally gets an irate reaction from me, which then seems to satisfy her for a bit because I think it somehow makes her feel that she was right and I am in the wrong!

I've also name changed to reply to you.

I've had a similar situation and I would recommend this book hugely.

The Anatomy of Peace: How to Resolve the Heart of Conflict
www.amazon.co.uk/Anatomy-Peace-Resolve-Heart-Conflict/dp/0141983922/

I found it hard going to read- it wasn't my cup of tea - but do stick with it. It won't solve your problems but if you can manage* to read the whole thing it will help with a different way of looking at the situation. Which can help to step towards resolution.

*I say manage not because it's particularly long because it isn't but
it's a bit of a strange style -sort of a cross between a bad novel and a
self help book. Do stick with it though. It really helped me.

This reminded me of something I saw on Twitter earlier:

twitter.com/theholisticpsyc/status/1630968637669646342?s=46&t=j4xIg3yIypElf1zDb-PmRg

I'm so sorry, op. This sounds just horrible. I grew up going to school with identical twins, and they had the same kind of relationship you and your sister have. In fact, they are 50 now, and the last I heard, (this past summer), they haven't seen or spoken to each other in 25 years.

Watching their dynamic was interesting and one twin, "Emma", was always the aggressor. This is just my take, but I always felt that Emma was very insecure and had a lot of self loathing, and looking at her sister was looking at herself and she hated what she saw. She took all of her self loathing out on her sister. It was, and is, very sad.

I think I agree with this. You do seem v focussed on getting an acknowledgment from your parents that you have been 'wronged'. Perhaps neither of you are completely wrong? Perhaps you have personalities that are never going to gel. Rather than seeking apologies and looking for condemnation from your parents re your sister, perhaps focus on establishing what sort of relationship, however minimal might be possible.

I didn't want to bog my already long post down with examples, but I'll give the last two that have caused the biggest upsets. They will sound very petty but with a long history it's not that simple.

My sister had upset me and we were going through a period of not really chatting. I was feeling hurt. I got some cryptic messages from her asking if I had gone to my parents yet. This was in COVID, so no. My mum also asked if I was talking to her and kept saying things like 'she does love you, if you'd come home you'll see'. Just before leaving Mum gave me this present and tried to get me to open it in front of them and my partner like a massive show. I felt really uncomfortable doing this, since the last words I had had from my sister were nasty attacks from her and I still feeling very hurt. I felt awkward about this public display of 'love' from my sister when she had been so nasty. I would open it at home. I was rushing back to finish a huge project at work - I went straight from driving 4 hours home to drop off my partner at 11pm, then went to work at 8am. I didn't have time to open it in the morning and again I was sort of gearing myself up for it as I felt really confused. At 1pm my sister asked if I had opened the present, I said sorry, I was at work and I would open it when I got back later that night. I really stressed that I hadn't had a moment to myself and was still at work and would let her know, but thanked her. At 3pm I was asked again, again I said I was still at work and would be back later. At 5pm I was sent messages telling me what an awful selfish person I was, how I don't care about anyone's feelings, how everything is about me. I apologised and told her I hadn't had a moment between driving, working and being guilt tripped into staying too late at my parents, but rushed home to open it and thanked her, But she said she was 'done' with me and again lots more abuse about how awful I am.

This sounds really petty, but there is a lot of subtle nastiness around it, it felt extremely two-faced and about showing off fake affection to me. She didn't really care about whether I liked the present or not it was all about this public display of affection and when I didn't play along perfectly it was like "HA! I knew it! You're a selfish bitch!" Ironically I didn't open the present promptly enough because I was busy making other people happy and trying to save my team at work. Yes, I probably should have opened it that morning or the previous night, but the level of abuse I got was just awful.

The last major fall out was in America. She was extremely controlling and everything had to fit around her eating and exercising needs and organisation needs. I went along with everything the very best I could. Lots of very difficult things like there would be absolutely no time for me to go to a shop because she needed to do X, all very stressful and that X is so important, but then she would suddenly change her mind and not do X and it wasn't important after all. Examples like: I asked to be dropped off somewhere en route. I was told there was no time to even stop and we NEEDED to get to this place. But then she saw a bird she wanted to look at and we stopped the car and she decided we would go to the place later. This happened so many times - I absolutely couldn't do what I needed to do because she had to do X which was extremely important, but then it would turn out that wasn't true. Another example was I needed to wash my clothes for a trip the next day, she refused to show me how to use the washing machine, and she would do it 'later', I stressed that clothes wouldn't dry in time, but was told not to do it myself. She told me to talk to her husband who said he wouldn't help because he was busy (drinking a beer). I tried so hard to ask nicely, for an hour, and I ended up getting frustrated and upset. I was then yelled at by her for being selfish and causing a scene.

It is VERY hard to explain these things without them appearing extremely petty, but it is the pettiness that makes it worse. It's all about showing me up over little things and controlling me, and forcing me into a situation where I had to show my emotions. It sounds ridiculous I know but after 20 or 30 occasions of this it feels like you are going mad.

I am sure everyone is going to say that I sound like a 7 year old, but I feels the same as when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Little things have such big meanings and caused a huge amount of anxiety because of the underlying meanings behind them.

This is really interesting. She has just been diagnosed with bipolar (although I have some reservations as this is a new diagnosis in America and I don't think she would get the same diagnosis here).

I have ADHD, and I think this is a huge trigger for her. We had a joint eating disorder and whilst I have recovered, she still suffers, and her life is all about control and anxiety around this. I am far more carefree and less organised. She constantly tries to 'prove' that I still have eating issues and doesn't believe my recovery.

She knows that she can get a rise out of me and I will react with strong emotions, so she plays on this by luring me into traps and manipulating me (like forcing me to say things in front of people that could be embarrassing).

We do have very bad jealousy issues that have extended into adulthood, and she is constantly trying to get my to prove that I am happy for her and will also subtly show off things that she knows that I am jealous about to try and bring out this jealousy (think: wearing strappy tops on video calls when I've mentioned putting on weight, 'accidentally' sending me I love you messages to me instead of her husband on messenger). Then if I make any inkling that it's affecting me will revel in saying that I am never happy for her and I'm jealous and I don't want her to be happy. It's all really manipulative.

Thank you for this, I really appreciate you writing. It is true, people do not understand and it looks so silly and petty to others but it's so damaging. Just to hear that someone else gets it means an awful lot as I am constantly told by everyone to 'let it go' and stop getting so worked up about it but it's really, really not that simple. I have so much trauma from this relationship.

I can honestly say that it is not 50/50.

Yes, I am desperate to get on, but when I am harbouring so much hurt, I cannot do this. I can't sweep it under the carpet and pretend it's all fine - I have tried and it is so painful and damaging to me.

And I absolutely did not go on the attack. She sent me a video, presumedly as a means to 'make up', and when I ignored, said she was 'done' with me and I clearly don't want a relationship and we'll talk when our parents die. I then explained to her very calmly that her behaviour over the years had been very hurtful and unless she was able to recognise this and make changes I didn't want to have a close relationship. I told her I loved her and wished her the best. Her reply was that I was a victim and selfish.