Dd dad using bank reference for abuse csa

[Holly03]

So i opened a case with the child maintenance service because my daughters dad is always been abusive and controlling, it seems to be a pattern of behaviour with him. His messages are very much domestic abuse and controlling which I have noted to the police and csa and stopped contact however he has managed to bypass this and tried to follow me on Instagram to try and get a reaction off me so I ignored it. Then I noticed he was writing enjoy and have fun and other sarcastic comments on the bank reference. Hr has been abusive from the start regarding child maintenance but he has never had anything to do with my daughter (3) and has never offered any kind of contribution so as a single parent I had no choice to claim financially. This helps with nursery costs, clothing etc. child maintenance have stated they won’t do anything but it seems he is using any form of contact to continue the abuse and get me to shut down the case. I hate the man so much and sometimes I’m glad he has nothing to do with my daughter because I really don’t want this abusive behaviour around her or him treating her like this.

Is that abuse saying enjoy and have fun? Childish definitely, but abuse? I'm happy to be corrected.

Have you looked in to a non molestation order?

It’s a mind game. Just another play from the abuser/losers playbook.

He can't control you any more and he knows it. That's why he's following you on SM and sending passive aggressive messages on his banking app. It's like a toddler deliberately breaking stuff to get a reaction.

It's hard but just ignore him. All of this is a sign that he knows you're doing well without him and it's driving him up the wall.

Yes, if it constitutes harassment.

OP can you switch to collect and pay with CMS? They charge a fee but you won't need to deal with him (I think).

I'm honestly curious....so it would stand up in court as abuse because he said enjoy and have fun?

He’s living rent free in your head. He’s being a knob, you know he’s a knob. Just smile at his childishness and carry on. Honestly it’s not worth the headspace.

@Arebella it's likely to escalate, mine started with childish nonsense as references, and then it slowly got degrading until it was just flat out abusive- abusive men are like small children, they continuously push the boundaries if there's no resistance.

OP- not much you can do at this point, keep proof, alternatively you could set up a separate account just for the maintenance payments which you don't need to look at constantly (also meant I didn't have to give my mortgage provider statements with references including whore and bitch 🙄 etc) just transfer the money to your main account when it's deposited. Men like this play games, just bear in mind that when your kid(s) are old enough to understand they will see his true identity.

Not everything an abusive person does is abuse. Saying “enjoy” or “have fun”…in a bank reference is not abuse (yet). You should simply continue to ignore unless/until the messages become abusive. Say if he starts putting in “enjoy your weed” or “skint bitch charity” or “not my kid, whore” that would be abuse.

He could well ramp up to it, so keep an eye on the messages. Then you can report and have something done about it.

Oh bless.

Many abusive men will do anything to have contact with their victim and get their attention. The clever ones do it like this. People who have suffered know exactly what this is. These men can't stand to be ignored.

Oh bless? I've been in an abusive relationship. If I received messages like enjoy and have fun on my bank statement I'd just think what a dickhead. If it was more than this like name calling or something then I'd think that was abuse and keep evidence of it.

If he’s paying it on time then I very much doubt cms will switch to collect and pay because he wrote have fun, sorry but collect and pay is for when a parent won’t pay. Just don’t read them 🤷‍♀️ you have to physically click on them to read what it says so just stop doing that.

Yes, sorry. That was needlessly passive aggressive and I regreted it as soon as I pressed post.

On its own, no. As part of a pattern (and continuation) of abusive behaviour? Maybe. He is finding any possible way to harass the OP.

Take the cash and be grateful as there are many many more who go to extreme lengths not to pay CM.

Yes he is continuing to be abusive but you don’t need to let it get to you.

Be glad he isn’t in your daughters life

It is not currently abusive more just to annoy you which you are letting it do (as would i to be fair) but just try your best to ignore him and his mind games. Keep an eye on the messages though as he will ramp it up when ignored. Men like this just cannot help themselves.

He's doing it to get at you. He knows it's his last avenue of contact. Don't give him the attention he craves. Just see him for the sad pathetic looser that he is. I would keep a log of all the ways he has attempted to contact you though , including the money transfer, so that if he begins to escalate then you have evidence and cam apply for a non mol order

As part of a broader picture of abuse: yes.

Bank transfer message fields are now being recognised as an avenue for harassment when abusers are blocked elsewhere.

Here’s one article, but you can Google more: i.stuff.co.nz/national/125194882/i-can-still-get-to-you-bank-payment-references-used-to-send-thousands-of-abusive-messages

Done once or twice, I agree you’d probably think “dick”. But if someone is doing it every week/month for years after a documented abusive relationship, courts will absolutely consider it seriously. Especially if it continues years after a split.

Please ignore the posters who are minimising this.

I'm sure this just follows a pattern of behaviour. He is trying to make you feel that you are the one spending the money on yourself hence the 'enjoy and have fun' but please do not cancel the CMS in order to resolve this. That's what he is trying to achieve. And that is coercive control and manipulation and that is why what he is doing is abusive!

Its a typical response from abusive men who pay maintenance. I swear they all sing from the same hymn sheet.

Could a solution be that you change it to collect and pay so the CMS collect it from his wages and they pay it to you.

As for the poster who states.. Will it stand up in court.. don't be so ridiculous. It would only count as one of many examples of abuse, coercive control and manipulation.

OP harassment is defined by how the actions make you feel. If the messages escalate beyond anything you can emotionally laugh off, you do have options.

And 100% agree with @Greyarea12 that you must not let others minimise this behaviour.

Go collect and pay

I actively have a close friend who I have been supporting who received messages from him this way more abusive or threatening but if the "joyful" ones don't annoy he could progress to worse. The Police do take it seriously and he could be done for malicious digital messaging, maybe taken along side a history of using other roundabout ways of contacting you then it is more evidence, the police can refer you to the national domestic violence team who can then sort Legal Aid if you are entitled, a solicitor and get you an anti harassment order (can cover you and or kids esp if over 18), it can have a penal notice attached (ie go to jail card!) . Point is all these little things that niggle amount to consistent and constant elements of harassment - the message is sarcastic and given the nature of previous communications is deliberately provocative so the actual words when in context change. The Police are well aware of this.

My advice, log it all, tell all involved that he is being malicious (Police, Social Services, DVLA, DWP, CMS, are some of the ways that my friends sociopathic narc is using) and build the picture with clear evidence. You can ask the Police for help in working out the bar they use to trigger action. Keep on it and pester them to follow up for you. One Police comment to my friend was "Oh we thought all this would have calmed down now" as an excuse for the non action in the first place

I’ve had no experience of this and I’m not sure whether it is evidence of the start of something that could escalate or evidence of him desperately trying to get a rise. Is it best to ignore it? Or monitor? I’d be inclined to ignore it and be slightly happy that it’s getting to him - but perhaps I’m being naive and it could be more serious.