Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Dd dad using bank reference for abuse csa

40 replies

Holly03 · 01/03/2023 08:58

So i opened a case with the child maintenance service because my daughters dad is always been abusive and controlling, it seems to be a pattern of behaviour with him. His messages are very much domestic abuse and controlling which I have noted to the police and csa and stopped contact however he has managed to bypass this and tried to follow me on Instagram to try and get a reaction off me so I ignored it. Then I noticed he was writing enjoy and have fun and other sarcastic comments on the bank reference. Hr has been abusive from the start regarding child maintenance but he has never had anything to do with my daughter (3) and has never offered any kind of contribution so as a single parent I had no choice to claim financially. This helps with nursery costs, clothing etc. child maintenance have stated they won’t do anything but it seems he is using any form of contact to continue the abuse and get me to shut down the case. I hate the man so much and sometimes I’m glad he has nothing to do with my daughter because I really don’t want this abusive behaviour around her or him treating her like this.

OP posts:

AllWorkYoPlait · 01/03/2023 11:17

SpinningFloppa · 01/03/2023 09:34

If he’s paying it on time then I very much doubt cms will switch to collect and pay because he wrote have fun, sorry but collect and pay is for when a parent won’t pay. Just don’t read them 🤷‍♀️ you have to physically click on them to read what it says so just stop doing that.

Collect and pay also exists to protect victims of domestic abuse from having direct contact with their abuser.

He doesn't have to write swear words to be abusive. He is harassing her.

Don't engage with him and seek a non mol if you can.

Lambchop1 · 01/03/2023 11:20

Your dignified silence will wind him up more than anything as he is totally looking for a reaction. When you see “enjoy” just think, actually mate i will because you’re gone!
I would reframe it and ignore it, he is constantly reinforcing the reason you escaped ! Let him keep doing that, he is a moron.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 01/03/2023 11:57

Just ignore? The bank can’t control what he types in that box. I sometime put something funny when paying friends. He is being petty and hoping that it’s causing this reaction.

SpinningFloppa · 01/03/2023 11:58

AllWorkYoPlait · 01/03/2023 11:17

Collect and pay also exists to protect victims of domestic abuse from having direct contact with their abuser.

He doesn't have to write swear words to be abusive. He is harassing her.

Don't engage with him and seek a non mol if you can.

Show quote history

No it isn’t. It’s when the paying parent won’t pay so they take it themselves.

SpinningFloppa · 01/03/2023 11:58

Exactly just ignore it you have to be clicking on the transaction to see what it says. Just don’t do that.

WaddleAway · 01/03/2023 12:21

SpinningFloppa · 01/03/2023 11:58

Exactly just ignore it you have to be clicking on the transaction to see what it says. Just don’t do that.

I don’t have to click on a transaction to see the reference. If I go on to my online banking the payment reference is just there.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/03/2023 13:09

SpinningFloppa · 01/03/2023 11:58

No it isn’t. It’s when the paying parent won’t pay so they take it themselves.

Show quote history

Collect and pay can absolutely be used by DV survivors.

Its one of the things brought in after the review following murder of Emma Day.

The OP can request C&P on the basis of the abuse

taxpayer1 · 01/03/2023 19:59

Holly03 · 01/03/2023 08:58

You hate the man but not the money.

WaddleAway · 01/03/2023 20:02

taxpayer1 · 01/03/2023 19:59

You hate the man but not the money.

Show quote history

And what’s wrong with that? Why shouldn’t he pay for his child?

taxpayer1 · 01/03/2023 20:03

WaddleAway · 01/03/2023 20:02

And what’s wrong with that? Why shouldn’t he pay for his child?

Show quote history

I found it strange that people hate someone but still want money from him. Just my opinion.

Conkersinautumn · 01/03/2023 20:10

Log it all, every effort he is making to contact and harass. Not reacting is difficult but your best path is not reacting. It's cheesy but that line from labyrinth 'you have no power over me' kept me going through all my exes mind games for years. At some point I went from making myself feel that to it being true. Get your headspace from this twisted sad little weasel

Conkersinautumn · 01/03/2023 20:15

The money is to support the child. Ffs, stop excusing the behaviour of a feckless parent HAVING to need a claim put in against them. Even a tenth of a decent parent wouldn't see their child without, let alone needing the courts to oversee. Of course anyone logical is repulsed by someone having to be pursued to put in money to their child's needs.

WaddleAway · 01/03/2023 20:16

taxpayer1 · 01/03/2023 20:03

I found it strange that people hate someone but still want money from him. Just my opinion.

Show quote history

So a man shouldn’t have any obligation to provide for his child if his ex dislikes him? Chances are she hates him because of his abide towards her. Good to know you can get out of paying for your child by abusing your ex until they hate you 🤷.
She wants his money to pay for the child that he was 50% responsible for bringing into the world. Her feelings for him are irrelevant.

henchhen · 01/03/2023 20:16

@taxpayer1 Don't be so utterly ridiculous. It's the DCs money - you know, money to help support the upbringing of his children. The OPs feelings about her XDP are not linked to whether or not he pays for his kids

RB68 · 05/03/2023 19:55

the police rate this as malicious communications and it can be part of a history of abuse. The actual words are important and whilst on the surface these seem innocuous as part of a bigger picture where it has been difficult to make a claim stick against him and he has sent a range of other abusive comms then they can interpret sarcasm. He is making out its fun money rather than for the serious purpose of paying his share of child costs - he is taking the piss.

Flip

1 2