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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL doesn't seem to make much effort to see DD

45 replies

FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 15:15

Prepared to be told I'm being a bit harsh as my opinion may be clouded by past minor issues with MIL.

We used to live around the corner from MIL and did until DD was one. She used to want to see her all the time and popped in fairly regularly which was all good. We then moved about 45 minutes away and despite MIL saying she would visit etc it's become vanishingly rare. MIL has a car and no mobility issues. We would visit her but MIL has discouraged this as she doesn't have any space no when we did go to see her last time she didn't even invite us in we all just sat in a local coffee shop then went home again.

So far this year MIL has gone to visit once for the afternoon. She has an open invitation which I have reminded her of many times when she texts to ask how DD is or we speak on the phone (maybe once a week). If I try to pin her down to a day for a visit she will say "that will be lovely" but won't commit and it doesn't happen.

MIL is busy, she has a very active social life plus some caring responsibilities so I know she has quite a lot going on, but DD is starting to notice and to be honest she goes further than we are for her hair appointments. AIBU to be annoyed she seems to have very little interest in her only grandchild, especially when she talks as if DD is her whole world!

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 15:16

She doesn’t have time on top of everything else to drive and hour and a half to see you and back.

girlfriend44 · 28/02/2023 15:17

You've had words in the past it's obvious and she dosent feel comfortable being in each others houses.

Original poster
FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 15:18

We haven't had words in the past. Just little things have annoyed me which I never brought up but didn't want to feel like these were clouding my judgement.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 15:21

It’s normal she saw a lot of your daughter when you were close by. You have now chosen to move 45 mins away, which is q a lot of driving. Add to that you’ve had disagreements in the past. What does her son say about it?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/02/2023 15:21

I think if you move 45mins away from someone you have to be prepared that you will see a fair bit less of them.

How often do you want her to visit?

Original poster
FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 15:26

DD would like to see more of her. Ideas for how to help build that contact from anyone in MIL's position would be welcomed, ways to make a visit more appealing.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 15:27

FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 15:26

DD would like to see more of her. Ideas for how to help build that contact from anyone in MIL's position would be welcomed, ways to make a visit more appealing.

You need to stay going to her more or meeting half way. You moved.

girlfriend44 · 28/02/2023 15:31

Half way or Skype Facetime.

Original poster
FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 16:06

Not sure halfway would work but FaceTimes would be fine I suppose

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 28/02/2023 16:08

Why can’t you drive to her?

pawz · 28/02/2023 16:10

Can you plan activities back in the area you used to live and invite MIL?

If she's busy and has caring responsibilities it sounds like she's got lots on her plate, perhaps you moving 45 minutes away means it's now much more inconvenient to see you vs when you lived around the corner. Tbh it's the consequences of moving that far, 1.5 hours of travelling (is that with no traffic?) is a lot plus the extra time spent with you and DD.

butterfliedtwo · 28/02/2023 16:10

You moved. You can't expect her to do all the driving.

Ffsmakeitstop · 28/02/2023 16:12

I do wish people would read the op. The mil travels further for a hair appointment. It's not difficult to prioritize your dgc once in a while. Very odd that she doesn't encourage you to visit her. I have no advice just fed up of pp not reading properly.

Ffsmakeitstop · 28/02/2023 16:15

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 28/02/2023 16:08

Why can’t you drive to her?

Did you miss the bit where op says mil discourages this and didn't even invite them in last time they called?

Original poster
FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 16:20

If we go to her she won't want us in her flat she says it's too small and plus she hasn't ever invited us or asked us to go to her. I know it's a lot of driving to come to us but she goes further for social things so I don't think it's the driving that's the issue. I think it's either a problem with me or DH or she's just lost interest. However I want to try and keep the relationship strong for everyone's sake.

OP posts:
jannier · 28/02/2023 16:20

Ffsmakeitstop · 28/02/2023 16:12

I do wish people would read the op. The mil travels further for a hair appointment. It's not difficult to prioritize your dgc once in a while. Very odd that she doesn't encourage you to visit her. I have no advice just fed up of pp not reading properly.

Really more than 45 minutes each way for hair....I took that as an exaggeration perhaps she's a model.....

WannabeMathematician · 28/02/2023 16:21

Were the visits you had before you moved more informal ones? That happened on the spur of the moment?

Original poster
FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 16:22

@jannier she goes to a friends salon and it is further away from her than we are.

Yes the previous visits were informal popping in for a cup of tea that kind of thing.

OP posts:
HettyMeg · 28/02/2023 16:23

You won't get much support on here as Mumsnet seems to be full of people who jump on posts like this because they think grandparents should never have to make any effort ever to see their grandchildren.

I don't think you're being unreasonable especially as you've said she has an active social life, drives further for hair appointments and has no mobility issues. I'm of the opinion that people should make the effort to visit their grandchildren.

jannier · 28/02/2023 16:23

Why not be honest and say DD is really missing you can you come to lunch on x, can we meet for lunch, walk around y on Saturday

Johnisafckface · 28/02/2023 16:43

Even if she does drive that far for a hair appointment, how often would that be? Some people only get their hair done once every 6-8 weeks. Regardless 45 mins is far especially if you have a busy life. She have a feeling that you have been annoyed by some of the things she's done, even if you say you haven't mentioned it to her.

Facetime or find an activity thats midway or closer to her that you can do. Go to the park or grab lunch. However I wouldn't drive 45 mins to her very often either - you may have to settle just for seeing her every once in a while which is okay. My friend has grand children (ages 5&7) and she lives 12 hours away from them, she sees them maybe 3 times a year (for days at a time) since they were born. They are VERY bonded with them as she makes sure to Facetime them often as well. So I don't think she has to see them all the time to form that bond, but it will also depend on how they interact as well. My friend makes sure to be very interactive with them so that definitely helps.

Griefgood · 28/02/2023 16:48

How old is DD?

Thisismeyeah · 28/02/2023 16:52

Have you tried making a regular arrangement to meet so its the same every week or 2 weekly or even monthly. This doesn't have to be the only time you meet up but it makes you both make the effort to keep in touch.

Perhaps as DD gets older she could pick her up and take her out every week or you could meet half way somewhere and you go off for a while and do some shopping?

HeresANewNameForToday · 28/02/2023 16:55

FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 16:20

If we go to her she won't want us in her flat she says it's too small and plus she hasn't ever invited us or asked us to go to her. I know it's a lot of driving to come to us but she goes further for social things so I don't think it's the driving that's the issue. I think it's either a problem with me or DH or she's just lost interest. However I want to try and keep the relationship strong for everyone's sake.

Eh. I wouldn’t. I have a few friends whose grandparents were clearly not interested and it bothers them far more now that they see how forced it all is. It’s the same for DH. Just let it be.

Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 16:57

Seems like you expect her to keep up the level of contact but want her to do all the running despite you having been the people to move away. Does she resent you moving away from her? Is she widowed/alone? Have you moved closer to your family? I would said you are right there is more to it than you have said so far.