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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL doesn't seem to make much effort to see DD

45 replies

FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 15:15

Prepared to be told I'm being a bit harsh as my opinion may be clouded by past minor issues with MIL.

We used to live around the corner from MIL and did until DD was one. She used to want to see her all the time and popped in fairly regularly which was all good. We then moved about 45 minutes away and despite MIL saying she would visit etc it's become vanishingly rare. MIL has a car and no mobility issues. We would visit her but MIL has discouraged this as she doesn't have any space no when we did go to see her last time she didn't even invite us in we all just sat in a local coffee shop then went home again.

So far this year MIL has gone to visit once for the afternoon. She has an open invitation which I have reminded her of many times when she texts to ask how DD is or we speak on the phone (maybe once a week). If I try to pin her down to a day for a visit she will say "that will be lovely" but won't commit and it doesn't happen.

MIL is busy, she has a very active social life plus some caring responsibilities so I know she has quite a lot going on, but DD is starting to notice and to be honest she goes further than we are for her hair appointments. AIBU to be annoyed she seems to have very little interest in her only grandchild, especially when she talks as if DD is her whole world!

OP posts:

DancingDaughter50 · 28/02/2023 17:04

Why did you move? Sounds like like she maybe hurt?

I would specifically invite her for something eg lunch/ dinner, soft play.try with some gaps eg you offer she turns down. Offer again. Offer again.

4th time I would say something... Dd misses you.
After that, leave it. You can't force what's not there. Its unfair all around b

Bunnyishotandcross · 28/02/2023 17:05

She has imo spat her dummy out because you moved.. She ain't interested in a relationship with your dd sadly. Stop trying op.

Youraccountisnolongervalid · 28/02/2023 17:10

How often did you see her before DD, how often does your DH see her? Is it that DD is older now and more mobile (read trouble) than she was she doesn’t want to know?

afinishedkiss · 28/02/2023 17:13

She's a carer, that is a job in itself.

PennyForearm · 28/02/2023 17:13

Being able to pop round for half an hour to see your grandchild who lives nearby, is very different and much easier to fit into daily life than having to do a 90 minute round trip.

She basically needs a spare half a day (at least) to spend visiting. How often do you expect it from her?

It’s unsurprising that she is seeing less of her grandchild now.

Crazycrazylady · 28/02/2023 17:13

Honestly I think it's a bit rich of you to move 45 minutes further away from your mil and then come on here to complain ye don't see her as much.

Ffsmakeitstop · 28/02/2023 19:17

Crazycrazylady · 28/02/2023 17:13

Honestly I think it's a bit rich of you to move 45 minutes further away from your mil and then come on here to complain ye don't see her as much.

FFS did you miss the bit where she actively discourages them from visiting her?

Ffsmakeitstop · 28/02/2023 19:19

This thread is a perfect example of the new Mumsnet trend of reading what pp think has been said rather than actually reading it.

Badger1974 · 28/02/2023 19:27

A 45 minute drive wouldn't put me off seeing my grandchildren especially if I were the type of person to go that far for a hair appointment.

OP children are the centre of their parents lives and understandably we expect other family members to feel the same. For some grandparents grandchildren are a joy and the centre of their world, for others, they are much loved but the grandparents may not want to go back to the time of being around small children a lot.

It sounds as though your MIL has different priorities. If she doesn't want you to visit, and doesn't ask to see your DD it is her loss. Facilitate the relationship where you can but let MIL have her freedom and time away from family life if that's what she is choosing.

I certainly wouldn't "punish" any family members for moving house by cutting contact as other posters seem to suggest is normal behaviour.

Crispyturtle · 28/02/2023 20:05

One visit in two months sounds pretty reasonable, especially considering she has caring responsibilities.

Why don’t you suggest meeting at a venue near hers for a day out, national trust or suchlike?

Undisclosedlocation · 28/02/2023 20:41

I think you are being unfair. You chose to move one and a half hours round trip from MIL and knew she didn’t encourage DD visiting her own home (which I find a bit odd tbh but she is perfectly entitled to do so)
Expecting her to accommodate that regularly by setting aside half a day at a time was never a realistic or reasonable viewpoint. If you wanted a very close, see each other loads type of relationship, you shouldn’t have moved away
Assuming I‘ve read it right, DD ‘starting to notice’ when it’s been this way since she was one doesn’t make a lot of sense either tbh. If she was one when things changed, she won’t be old enough to remember any different!

Original poster

FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 21:42

I've read all the replies I do find it strange though. My family live in NI and see DD significantly more than MIL, we go back and forth because it's our priority.

The reason we moved house is because we were renting in an expensive city and had to move to buy somewhere to live so it wasn't personal.

I hope if I am lucky enough to ever have grandchildren I'm prepared to drive 45 minutes to see them more than six times a year, or at least allow them to visit me in my own home.

OP posts:

girlfriend44 · 28/02/2023 21:46

FoxyTheSnow · 28/02/2023 21:42

I've read all the replies I do find it strange though. My family live in NI and see DD significantly more than MIL, we go back and forth because it's our priority.

The reason we moved house is because we were renting in an expensive city and had to move to buy somewhere to live so it wasn't personal.

I hope if I am lucky enough to ever have grandchildren I'm prepared to drive 45 minutes to see them more than six times a year, or at least allow them to visit me in my own home.

Talk to her. Nobody here knows Why. They don't know her.

Turnipworkharder · 28/02/2023 22:06

Have you ever been in her flat ...could she be a hoarder ?

As a GP myself I find it very strange she no longer wants to see her GC.
has your husband not said anything to her about it ?

Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 22:15

Thing is if you are travelling home to Ireland you aren’t going for an hour or two, you are spending at least a couple of days at a time and vice versa. So that builds and maintains a relationship rather than seeing each other for an hour or two. Maybe she is jealous of the time you spend with your family. Have you invited her to come and stay over? Is that feasible for her to do with caring responsibilities? It sounds like she is on her own and you haven’t mentioned your husband having any siblings, could it be in some way she feels she has less to offer than your family as it’s just her? I do find it really odd that she won’t allow her son’s family in her home. Has your husband discussed it with her, how often does he speak to his mum? Even just to say we feel like we never see you and we would like to see you more. You need to have your husband start a conversation with her. It may be as simple as she can’t deal with you having moved away and not being able to see the child all the time and is dealing with it in a really unhelpful way.

Bunnyishotandcross · 28/02/2023 22:18

My mil had for many years told dh she never wanted to be a dgm (pre me!) True to her word when dc arrived she dumped us all.
Even my dc who she had made effort with! Very odd.we lived less than 10 mins away. I had an emcs. She never even contacted me.
Your mil is hinting. Take the hint.

BackToWhereItAllBegan · 28/02/2023 22:31

Maybe it's the visiting for half a day that she finds a bit awkward. When you lived close by, she could just pop in, have a coffee and play with DGD for a few minutes then leave and get on with her day.
If she now has to visit for a few hours to make them drive worthwhile then maybe she finds it a bit uncomfortable just sitting around your house making small talk for that long or maybe she finds it tedious playing with DD for long stretches?
Perhaps you could met up elsewhere, a soft play or farm etc for a few hours then just head back to your house for lunch or dinner?

LittleOwl153 · 28/02/2023 22:35

How old is DD? It sounds like it might be kinder to all to let this relationship drop.

Mind I'd not bother answering daily texts to someone who is distressing your daughter by not bothering to visit - as that sounds a bit like a Facebook/for show grandchild relationship so I'd stop feeding her the info/photos.

Cornelious2011 · 28/02/2023 22:44

When I lived in England I also saw my family in NI more than I saw my in laws who were 1 hour down the road. Despite my dc being the only niece/ grand daughter they were always busy, or would let us down. Dh and I moved to NI and dc has lots of interested family. We've seen the in laws the same amount since we've moved. Some people just can't be arsed making an effort.

MattieandmummyandIs · 28/02/2023 22:58

I can't advise, my MIL is the same. Very uninterested in all her grandchildren (not just my children) so I try not to let it upset me. We try to arrange things with my MIL and FIL but inevitably my children see my parents, who are very interested grandparents, a lot more. I don't know what more you can do except keeping inviting her and say your DD would like to see her, perhaps ask her if she finds the drive over too far or if something has happened to upset her.

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