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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Running away fund/secret stash

90 replies

Wizardofbecause · 28/02/2023 14:15

Do you have one? If so, where and how much?

I try to put bits of money away to save for Dds birthday and party and her summer clothes etc…if I don’t, we just end up spending it and it’s gone.
I really want to put back a secret stash for emergencies etc
Do others do this?

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 28/02/2023 18:04

I don’t need one.

I can name 5 or more households who would have time to stay for an extended period (6 months or more). No questions asked I could literally just show up. I have my own flat. Partner doesn’t own it I do. Own car. Partner doesn’t own it I do. My job is well paid and I have £15,000 ish in the bank.

Typing this makes me realise how fucking privileged I am and I need to stop whinging about having a spot, finding a piece of work hard etc!

isthewashingdryyet · 28/02/2023 18:10

I have had one for years, just enough for a train journey, or a tankful of petrol and to rent somewhere until my next pay day.
it was on women’s hour many years ago.
every should have enough money to be able to leave.

Seasider2017 · 28/02/2023 18:11

I have a fuck off fund. Because
I was married to a guy I never ever thought would cheat on me! We had a 4 yr old at the time, he worked hard and I worked 20 hrs. He worked shifts, never used to go out week nights or weekends we’d get few cans in and bottle of wine for me.
As I said family oriented husband never entered my head and he never commented on other women etc.
So to say shocked when he told me was an understatement

So those that say
“ No I don’t need too, nobody knows what’s round the corner”
we we’re married for 9 yrs

So since then, I’ve always been savvy. I now live with new partner if 20 yrs now, I have a
fuck off fund of 16k
I never want to have to fight for what should be ours again, or having to stay because of money
if needs must.

Dont be naive ladies like I was

nosyupnorth · 28/02/2023 18:15

I have personal savings, some of which are earmarked for emergencies only, but there's nothing secret about that.

I wouldn't trust somebody who was deliberately decieving me about their finances and if you need to hide money from your partner then you shouldn't be in the relationship.

I can sympathise somebody starting to put together secret funds if they have previously failed to secure personal savings and can no longer trust their partner, but that's a situation people should be aiming to prevent, not intentionally carrying on a relationship while lying about money 'just in case'.

Lkydfju · 28/02/2023 18:23

Yes I call it my fuck off fund and it makes me feel safe knowing that in theory I could

NCSQ · 28/02/2023 18:27

Yes. I am single and have savings that I would not want to drop below enough to live for six months. It's a standard safety net, but I also see it as the way out of any untenable job and / or future relationship if it were ever needed for that.

Poppingwatermelons · 28/02/2023 18:29

Everyone should have there own escape fund savings just in case. If you are lucky you will never need to use it and can treat yourself in retirement. My mum had nothing when I was growing up. We escaped the family home And went to a refuge with a black bag of possessions. Keeping my own run away fund is very important to me. My DH knows I have money but not how much and shows no interest. But I am needlessly very secretive about it

The best way to save is to set up a standing order. Then you do not have to think about it. Even if its just a few pounds a month. Thats better than having nothing.

Itstime1 · 28/02/2023 18:29

I don’t have a ‘running away’ fund as although my DH is the high earner- I manage all of our money as he is useless. Works for us.

Saving funds wise I have a fair few pots for us (childcare, holidays, birthdays, new house fund etc)
minus the new house fund we’ve got around 20k across the accounts. Money we can use without guilt? About 5k.

it comes in handy though as we managed to pay our nursery right up till she starts school in 1 go as we had money in the accounts to do this!

my personal ‘secret’ (he can see it all he wants, we have separate spending money budgeted monthly) is around £1700 but I’m about to spend some as I’m due back in work soon! I don’t think my DH has looked
to see how high it is as he has happily paid for the past 2 takeaways 😂

Everydayimhuffling · 28/02/2023 18:35

DP and I both have separate bank accounts/savings. We are open about the fact that one reason for that is in case someone needs to leave. I strongly believe everyone should have their own money somewhere, and find it really sinister when anyone insists on only joint accounts.

I should add, I am and always have been very happy in my relationship and there's no personal past experience to show the need for this. I simply think it's vital for everyone

BashfulClam · 28/02/2023 18:47

I think everyone needs an emergency fund (I understand it’s not always easy). Not so much running away etc but for emergencies, if my washing machine or fridge break, no bother I have saving to cover it. If I get an unexpected bill I can cover it. If I have a long term period of sick leave, I can survive for almost a year on my savings….this is what schools should be teaching pupils. If I was taught budgeting, how compound interest works etc I wouldn’t have been as heavily in debt as I was in the past. I have clawed and worked my way out of debt and into saving over the past few years. In 2018 I had £5k of debt (down from £8k). I now have £10k worth of savings and no debt apart from our mortgage.

nokidshere · 28/02/2023 18:51

In most cases it won't matter if it's in your name, if the money has been saved whilst married it becomes part of the pot. Presumably everyone who is married and has one has already taken steps to project it?

I don't have one because I've never felt the need and, for the first 20yrs I didn't have enough money to save anyway. We have enough equity in the house, which is now mortgage free, to set us both up if something happened now.

journeyofinsanity · 28/02/2023 19:10

SpeccyHotdog · 28/02/2023 16:46

Yes, have 30k in a fuck off fund in premium bonds that no one knows about. It's taken me about 10 years to accumulate, and I'm going to spend the next ten years putting more aside until I can actually fuck off.

I watched my my mum struggle financially beholden to a man and she couldn't escape. I'll be advising my daughter when she's older to do the same.

I'm not sure if sticking it out for over a decade with someone you don't seem to like us exactly setting a great example to your dd

journeyofinsanity · 28/02/2023 19:14

People who are married who have a secret stash incase of relationship breakdown, are you suggesting not disclosing this stash in the asset split? Seriously?

billysboy · 28/02/2023 19:27

For everyone with a fund let’s hope it’s outstripped inflation and not tucked under the mattress

Orangeis · 28/02/2023 19:56

journeyofinsanity · 28/02/2023 19:14

People who are married who have a secret stash incase of relationship breakdown, are you suggesting not disclosing this stash in the asset split? Seriously?

No, the fuck off fund would be used to fuck off with. Rent a house for 6 months or whatever, so it would be gone by the time the divorce comes.

YnysMonCrone · 28/02/2023 20:07

I had one.
I've used it.
My STBXH set fire to our house and emptied our joint account into which I'd just paid the money I inherited from my mums estate.
He's in prison now.
The fuck off fund served me well.
I declared it on my form E. My solicitor told me to live off it while STBXH dragged his feet over the divorce.
I will always tell my DDs to have one. Whether they tell their DPs or not is up to them. But they should have one.

Original poster
Wizardofbecause · 28/02/2023 20:16

@billysboy What’s wrong with under the mattress?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:18

Wizardofbecause · 28/02/2023 20:16

@billysboy What’s wrong with under the mattress?

No interest and easy to find

TheMatriarchy · 28/02/2023 20:43

I have a job and a mortgage free house and I still have a f-off fund. Mainly to escape my job, and will be using it soon.

PartingGift · 28/02/2023 22:19

Hillrunning · 28/02/2023 17:19

Thoes of you with secret money but consider your relationship to be a good one, don't you feel bad lying to your partner?

No. Miy partner knows about my "running away" fund. I can't imagine him in a million years doing anything to make me want to run away, but I was previously engaged and living with someone else years ago who I thought the same about. I ended up packing my bags at 2am and moving out with zero notice. I had no money saved and nowhere to go apart from back to my family. My running away fund means that I will never be in that position again. It also means if I hate my job, I can quit without having to have another one straight away. It gives me piece of mind and makes me feel secure.

PartingGift · 28/02/2023 22:21

Hillrunning · 28/02/2023 17:38

Also, wouldn't better advice have been to not have relationships with people you may need to escape from?

Excellent advice. But as 42% of marriages end in divorce, having a little bit stashed away to use as a deposit on a rental house, for a solicitor etc, is also a good idea.

hulahooper2 · 28/02/2023 22:22

Everyone should have one. I didn’t and never expected to need one , but oh how I wish I’d followed the advice my aunt gave me when I got married , she knew what she was talking about

Testina · 28/02/2023 22:25

No, because I’m financially independent with personal savings that aren’t a secret. My husband doesn’t know exactly much I have, as that’s my business - likewise his savings - but we both know we each have them.

Warrensrabbit · 01/03/2023 09:10

I thought I was financially independent too, until I realised the house I had my share of equity protected by deed of trust in had grown in value so quickly it outstripped my savings amount and I can’t afford to buy the cocklodger out

lovedive · 01/03/2023 09:16

Hillrunning · 28/02/2023 17:38

Also, wouldn't better advice have been to not have relationships with people you may need to escape from?

I really wish I could of predicted that a year into my marriage that my ex would start raping me in my sleep. I was young. Escaping a violent neglectful childhood when I met him. Not everything is so clear cut for people