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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting employer before wife

32 replies

5oclockclub · 28/02/2023 06:08

My husband and I are employees at the same small company. It’s a family run business, very small. We’re the only non family members. It’s very successful.

He’s, let’s say, the General Manager and has been there over a decade. I’m the housekeeper and he recommended me for the position. I’ve been here about a year.

I hate it and want to leave. I have had previous office jobs and have been offered a PA position, better pay, less back breaking work.

DH is furious. He says I’m letting him down and putting his job at risk (I’m not). He thinks they are wonderful employers and I see them as employers who are onto a good thing with him as he does so much unpaid work.

I am due to resign and will give my notice and leave. He says this will split us up.

AIBU?? I can’t believe this is happening.

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 28/02/2023 06:21

There’s so much wrong with his reaction I don’t even know where to start!

barmycatmum · 28/02/2023 06:22

:( I’m so sorry. That is awful. Split up?! Over you taking another job?

that would be shattering to hear.

you are NOT unreasonable

soleilblue · 28/02/2023 06:22

You've been there about a year that's a perfectly normal time for someone to leave. As long as you leave in a professional manner why on earth would it reflect badly on him. He doesn't own you. Is he controlling in other ways?

Velvian · 28/02/2023 06:29

So he expected that you would work there for the rest of your working life? That is crazy.

itwasntmetho · 28/02/2023 06:30

Does he like you being a housekeeper while he’s a general manager?

Imogensmumma · 28/02/2023 06:34

If you had been there 2 months then I would get his point of view but close to a year then he is completely BU

Make sure you have another job before you resign especially if you have a risk of a relationship break down as well

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 06:36

He's being a dick. Do what's right for you.

Ellie1015 · 28/02/2023 06:36

If it is such a wonderful place to work he will have no problem rectruiting and keeping someone else for your job and he wouldnt have to emotionally blackmail you into staying!!!

Take the new job, if he ends the marriage over it then it shows what an arse he is. If i were you i would be tempted to end the marriage even if he doesn't.

mrsjg · 28/02/2023 06:38

You resign, you split up.
You stay, you could resent him.

Either way there's problems ahead. As someone said is he normally controlling?

Margo34 · 28/02/2023 06:41

At work, he's your work colleague.

Would you let any other work colleague dictate whether or not you could leave and move on to a better paid, more suitable job for you?

As a DH, he doesn't sound supportive of his wife at all.

ScentOfAMemory · 28/02/2023 06:42

In fairness, he recommended you for the job (which presumably you needed at the time), and on the basis of that recommendation you were given the job, so both he, and the family you work for, probably see it as something for which you should be eternally grateful.

You've now found something better, so are being perfectly reasonable (removing all emotion from it) in wanting to leave the current job.
Again, in fairness, it probably will make it difficult for him with his employers given that it was on his word that you were given the job.

It's awkward. You're right in wanting to move to a better job that you might like more, he's not wrong in thinking it might make things awkward for him.

Him saying it will split you up is weird though. Unless he thinks they'll make his life hell and it'll be your fault for leaving.

The perils of being taken on because somebody told somebody else you were looking for work unfortunately. Especially as it sounds like some sort of domestic service set up.

It does sound like everyone concerned expected you to be there forever, particularly given the longevity of your husband's employment with them.

louise5754 · 28/02/2023 06:45

If the employees are all family who is he the manager off? Just you?

Original poster
5oclockclub · 28/02/2023 07:00

I used the term general manager as an example. That’s not his job title but it’s sort of the role he does.

He does have very strong opinions which are impossible to budge, even if they are quite unreasonable.

I think they all expected me to stay forever. It worked for them as it was like a husband and wife team which supported their business. I’m easily replaceable.

OP posts:
louise5754 · 28/02/2023 07:06

Yes they probably wanted to continue the family feel and not want an "outsider" but that's not your issue.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 28/02/2023 07:10

Absolutely go for the better paid role.

EVHead · 28/02/2023 07:10

A bit of awkwardness for him versus you continuing in a job you hate. No contest - take the new job.

You’ve been there a year - you don’t owe your employers anything.

BaroldFromEastenders · 28/02/2023 07:16

ScentOfAMemory · 28/02/2023 06:42

In fairness, he recommended you for the job (which presumably you needed at the time), and on the basis of that recommendation you were given the job, so both he, and the family you work for, probably see it as something for which you should be eternally grateful.

You've now found something better, so are being perfectly reasonable (removing all emotion from it) in wanting to leave the current job.
Again, in fairness, it probably will make it difficult for him with his employers given that it was on his word that you were given the job.

It's awkward. You're right in wanting to move to a better job that you might like more, he's not wrong in thinking it might make things awkward for him.

Him saying it will split you up is weird though. Unless he thinks they'll make his life hell and it'll be your fault for leaving.

The perils of being taken on because somebody told somebody else you were looking for work unfortunately. Especially as it sounds like some sort of domestic service set up.

It does sound like everyone concerned expected you to be there forever, particularly given the longevity of your husband's employment with them.

That is not at all normal in a job. Or a relationship

EmpressOfTheSofa · 28/02/2023 07:21

Is he the butler? That’s what I’m imagining.

The whole set up sounds awful.

HungryMummySadDaddy · 28/02/2023 07:23

He is being a dick. Go for the better job. Why is he such an arse licker to his employer? Hiding something?

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 28/02/2023 07:28

Is this Downton Abbey?!

Lambchop1 · 28/02/2023 07:30

Take the new job as quick as you can! Your dh can’t bully you into a life of service because it suits him . Ridiculous.

Mentaldays · 28/02/2023 07:32

Would it help if you indicated something along the lines of you have developed a sore back/hip/shoulder and as such you need to do something less physically demanding to stop it getting worse. I’m not saying you should feel you have to but if it would make him feel less stressed about you leaving and he would feel more justified. I think PPs are correct in saying they thought you’d be there for life. You need to do what is right for you.

Duckingella · 28/02/2023 07:36

Can he not see he's being taken advantage of with the amount of unpaid work he does?;why is he threatening your relationship over this?;it sounds very cult like.

Is he love with one of the female family members or something?;what a weird hold they have over him.

Original poster
5oclockclub · 28/02/2023 07:58

They do have a weird hold over him. It’s definitely not a love thing. It is a bit Downton Abbey esque if im honest. Vast cultural and class difference. Me and husband are just normal working class. They are almost aristocratic.

He is saying it puts him in an awkward position and because he recommended me it undermines his value to them.

He is paid about £40k a year - not a massive salary - yet he works 7 days a week most weeks and puts them above everything he does.

I cannot understand why he can’t see how much he’s hurting me. He just retaliates saying I’m hurting him.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 28/02/2023 08:04

Tell him the job you're doing now undermines your value to yourself.