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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleagues bringing up my shyness/quietness - AIBU to hate it?

46 replies

quietgirlstill · 27/02/2023 18:29

I work in an office job. I'm shy and quiet and always have been, I'm in my late 20s and still haven't outgrown it. I've gone through counselling and take anti-anxiety medication, so it's not like I'm passive about trying to improve on this.

I do my work well, and get good feedback from everyone who works with me. The only suggestion for improvement I received in my performance review was to 'improve in confidence' (which I have no idea how I'm supposed to do...)

But colleagues do sometimes bring up my quietness and every time it really knocks my self-esteem. My manager makes comments about it, they seem to be coming from a good place but they still made me feel down. For example, they said how my quietness is ok as they want a diverse team, or how they don't want me to stop being quiet if that's who I am, but want me to feel more confident. One senior colleague randomly pulled me for a meeting which I thought was a quick catch-up but ended up being them telling me their life story of how they were shy in their 20s and how they outgrew it. I know they are trying to come from a nice place, but they just add to the feeling of not being ok as I am and not feeling like I belong there.

I speak up in meetings, but I do sometimes stumble over my words or have to use notes to keep me on track. I have improved a lot though. I'm junior, and I'm more than happy to stay junior as I know I don't have the personality for leadership or management.

AIBU to feel down about it? I've tried to take it constructively and like I said, I have improved massively

OP posts:
Original poster
quietgirlstill · 27/02/2023 19:16

Does anyone have any advice? (Sorry for the bump)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/02/2023 19:21

Are you naturally introverted as well?

If you are have you read "Quiet the power of introverts" - help you understand and be proud of your innate personality?

I suppose you could work specifically only reflecting back to them that they say they welcome diversity yet they then see your quietness as a weakness which is being critical of you?

It's them not you!

Flowers
silverclock222 · 27/02/2023 19:22

They obviously think a lot of you to be going to this much effort but it's obviously misplaced if you're happy as you are and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Think of the similar things they say to you and try and think if a suitable response of just a few words eg. Thank you that's lovely but honestly I'm happy the way things are?

Streamside · 27/02/2023 19:26

They shouldn't be picking up on your personality type in this way, it's a form of bullying.
You need to develop a standard broken record type response.

mdinbc · 27/02/2023 19:31

I think some people get self confidence and shyness confused. You do sound quite confident in your abilities, but not your interactions with others.

I always found myself fine in small groups, but then leave me with one person I didn't know very well and I just clam up and can't carry a conversation. Try to set some small goals for yourself. There is nothing wrong with making notes! Try to envision what point you want to make ahead of any meetings, and perhaps make a goal at work to start a conversation with others so you learn a little about them and it will make you feel more comfortable.

Weirdwonders · 27/02/2023 19:34

Could you ask them about what it is specifically that they want from you in relation to your work? When they say ‘more confident’ do they want you to speak more loudly in meetings or more frequently? I don’t think they should be offering you feedback about your personality or trying to fix anything they perceive to be ‘wrong’ with it just because they might feel uncomfortable. They need to articulate any issues with your work.

LozzaChops101 · 27/02/2023 19:37

I get this a lot in my job, it can be really demoralising. I have got more confident in my quietness in the last 7-8 years though (I think I’m about 10 years older than you) and now I usually just say that I’m not being quiet I’m just listening 🤷‍♀️ There are people that recognise that your gob doesn’t always have to be open to be a valuable member of the team, so keep an eye out for them!

Biscuitlover456 · 27/02/2023 19:38

Not unreasonable to feel down about it - would be good to find ways to build confidence though.

Perhaps take on a new project in work which develops your skills, take on additional responsibility or even do something outside work which pushes you out of your comfort zone a bit? I took a job where I had to routinely speak in public which was something I hated doing but it gave me a real sense of satisfaction to overcome that!

Also, are you perhaps an introvert? Shyness is generally not a positive trait as it tends to involve anxiety about how others perceive you. Introversion is where people usually get their energy more from being on their own and often need to re-charge after being with others, but doesn’t stem from fear of judgement - I am introverted and often will send my thoughts following a meeting because it takes me time to consider the discussion so sharing ideas on the fly doesn’t always work for me. The modern workplace favours extroverts (e.g. meetings, team work etc etc) - maybe if you think you are introverted you could discuss with your boss and look at how you work best in order to maximise your contributions? I’d recommend reading the book Quiet by Susan Cain as this describes introversion but also some of the ways of adapting life to fit you (and not the other way round as is usually the case - introverts often end up pretending to be extroverts but the world needs more quiet & thoughtful people!)

WomanFromTheNorth · 27/02/2023 19:38

Pull them for a meeting and tell them they need to work on being more empathetic, thoughtful and shutting the fuck up sometimes. Honesty, these people get on my nerves. You sound lovely OP. I know it's easier said than done but just ignore them.

Merlott · 27/02/2023 19:43

More confident isn't specific enough to be useful feedback.

They do sound like bullies.

Mummadeze · 27/02/2023 19:44

I have been guilty of this with one of my direct reports. But it was because I knew how much potential she had and I wanted others to see it too. She had good ideas but never volunteered them in meetings. I thought I was encouraging her by trying to get her to be more visible. It may be annoying but I am sure it is coming from a good place. No one is saying you need to be a chatterbox or the first person to speak but making your contribution heard is part of work life.

TheMagicDeckchair · 27/02/2023 19:49

I would question whether it’s the right environment for you. My previous job had lots of confident types, and I was quieter and more diligent. I was made to feel less valued at times because I wasn’t a “big personality”. The more people bring it up, the worse it is!

I have grown so much in my current job (been here 6 years). I achieve more, I’m confident, happier and valued. I’ve grown personally- it’s just a better fit for me.

I also find that the older I get, the less self conscious I am. I’m in my 40s now and I worry about it a lot less than I did in my 20s.

Jijithecat · 27/02/2023 19:54

We're all different. We all have different strengths and weaknesses and your colleagues should bear that in mind.
As much as I loathe a training day, perhaps suggest that your team does some Insights training. It might prove useful to you all.

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2023 19:54

It's OK to be a quiet introvert. They want you to be more confident then you need to ask in what way - do you need to contribute more to meetings or group discussions, do you need to put your ideas forward more, do you need to speak with more confidence in meetings or group situations. I'd ask them to be more specific

Liquorish · 27/02/2023 19:56

Ugh I can’t stand when people give the whole “I was shy and quiet like you but one day I decided not to be” spiel. Especially when you never asked for their advice in the first place.

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2023 19:57

Also sometimes in certain jobs you have to develop a work personality which differs from natural personality. I know someone who runs their own business, wasn't intended but happened over time. They are naturally introverted and quiet but explained to me they had to develop a more outgoing personality to move the business forward and make contacts

March12th · 27/02/2023 19:57

Streamside · 27/02/2023 19:26

They shouldn't be picking up on your personality type in this way, it's a form of bullying.
You need to develop a standard broken record type response.

I completely agree

Ludo19 · 27/02/2023 20:00

WomanFromTheNorth · 27/02/2023 19:38

Pull them for a meeting and tell them they need to work on being more empathetic, thoughtful and shutting the fuck up sometimes. Honesty, these people get on my nerves. You sound lovely OP. I know it's easier said than done but just ignore them.

This in spades OP.

My mum always says "empty cans rattle the most"

I hate meetings there's always two gobshites talking over one another so I just zone out because they go off topic. When I'm asked if I've anything to add, I just stare back and say I think that's everything covered.

booboobeedoo · 27/02/2023 20:01

Send them a link to the Ted talk by Susan Cain, The power of introverts. Hopefully it will shut them up!

NotNowBertie · 27/02/2023 20:04

its annoying. It’s just not who you are. I’m one of 19 who do the same job. This has come up a few times for me. But it’s just not who I am. Maybe try to tell them this is just who you are, you’re confident enough in yourself. Ask if this affects your performance? As if it doesn’t I don’t see a problem

Emptycrackedcup · 27/02/2023 20:06

Weirdwonders · 27/02/2023 19:34

Could you ask them about what it is specifically that they want from you in relation to your work? When they say ‘more confident’ do they want you to speak more loudly in meetings or more frequently? I don’t think they should be offering you feedback about your personality or trying to fix anything they perceive to be ‘wrong’ with it just because they might feel uncomfortable. They need to articulate any issues with your work.

Yes it might be this, sometimes I used to feel people weren't really contributing and letting others do the work/offer advice in meetings etc by sitting back and not talking (although it does sound like you do contribute in meetings). I would ask for practical information so it's something you can work on or are at least aware of. You should try Toastmasters, this is a safe way to build up your confidence

FallonofDynasty · 27/02/2023 20:13

Could be the work environment? When I worked in a school everyone seemed v extrovert and I felt like a fish out of water.

AuntieJoyce · 27/02/2023 20:16

If OP can’t speak up in meetings without stumbling over her words then clearly it’s affecting her performance.

The suggestions that your manager who is encouraging you to develop your work skills is bullying you is frankly laughable.

Many women at work lack confidence in their 20s, and we develop it over time. I know I would have developed mine a lot sooner if I’d have had people at work prepared to encourage me with this. Take the opportunity and more specific feedback that you can work with.

RaspberriesToYouToo · 27/02/2023 20:17

Unfortunately Britain is becoming very totalitarian about the types of personality it wants, and we all have to be extroverted and socially conforming now. There is nothing inherently wrong in being quiet - we often are the people who get things done. It is a personality type and you may well never ‘grow out of it’ because it is what you are. It is a different thing from confidence which is only grown through time and practice in places where you are not criticised all the time.

Do read that ‘Quiet’ book, but beyond that it is just a bit shit in Britain right now. Hopefully it’ll turn back towards real diversity instead of the sham tickbox that we have right now. I would suggest asking what specific practical tasks you can improve on and ignore the rest as much as you can.

WandaWonder · 27/02/2023 20:21

This may not help but I am like this by choice, it never causes me any issues as if I need to deal with someone difficult I am able too

I can have a chat sometimes but I like to focus on work and get on with it, if anyone spoke to me about I would ask outright 'what is the issue? Does it cause an actual problem?'

If not then people don't need to comment it may be just it stands put more but again I would say if it doesn't cause a problem then stop commenting

Again not sure if any of this helps