Colleagues bringing up my shyness/quietness - AIBU to hate it?

[quietgirlstill]

I work in an office job. I'm shy and quiet and always have been, I'm in my late 20s and still haven't outgrown it. I've gone through counselling and take anti-anxiety medication, so it's not like I'm passive about trying to improve on this.

I do my work well, and get good feedback from everyone who works with me. The only suggestion for improvement I received in my performance review was to 'improve in confidence' (which I have no idea how I'm supposed to do...)

But colleagues do sometimes bring up my quietness and every time it really knocks my self-esteem. My manager makes comments about it, they seem to be coming from a good place but they still made me feel down. For example, they said how my quietness is ok as they want a diverse team, or how they don't want me to stop being quiet if that's who I am, but want me to feel more confident. One senior colleague randomly pulled me for a meeting which I thought was a quick catch-up but ended up being them telling me their life story of how they were shy in their 20s and how they outgrew it. I know they are trying to come from a nice place, but they just add to the feeling of not being ok as I am and not feeling like I belong there.

I speak up in meetings, but I do sometimes stumble over my words or have to use notes to keep me on track. I have improved a lot though. I'm junior, and I'm more than happy to stay junior as I know I don't have the personality for leadership or management.

AIBU to feel down about it? I've tried to take it constructively and like I said, I have improved massively

This is who you are. Nothing wrong with it. I am somewhere between introvert and extrovert. People have told me I am quiet. But, I talk a lot to my close friends.

I second every word of this.

OP, you won't grow out of your natural self (whether it's shyness or introversion or both), nor should you ever try to.

Yanbu. I can understand how you feel, your colleagues are essentially asking you to change your personality. That's not ok. There isn't anything wrong with you! I've also been on the receiving end of similar (and more innane) comments over the course of school and work.
I do think that quietness and introversion is something that some extroverts just can't get their heads around and comprehend unfortunately.
Regardless of the crap you're having to put up with from colleagues it sounds like you're doing great in your job and in taking your own steps to work on your self esteem. Take care

It sounds like you're doing well in being proactive in finding strategies to get better at speaking in meetings.

In all honesty I find my very extrovert colleagues to be hopeless on attention to detail , would you agree?

I agree.

I think it is the height of bullying to think you have any right to critique your personality type.

What sort of an organisation is it, because it certainly doesn't sound professional.

I can't imagine HR would be impressed if you made a formal complaint.

Ignore them and keep doing what you're doing. I can't stand personal comments. You're there to do the work and go home. End of.

For what it worth, OP. You are doing better than me right now

Another thought is I get more from meetings by listening than talking

Mind you 80% of it is corporate BS most of the time but still

Urgh. Your colleagues sound awful. I'm shy, introverted and socially awkward. That's just me. However, at work I'm confident and manage a team. Your colleagues seem to be mixing up being introverted with confidence.

It's hard to know how to take the comments from colleagues as just going by the responses to this thread on one hand it may be that they are trying to be nice and helpful, or they may be disappointed in my work performance or they may be trying to be mean

I've also started to suspect lately I may be on the autistic spectrum

If they are usually supportive and kind to you it’s safe to assume this comes from a good place. It sounds to me like they see loads of potential in you and really want to help you achieve that. In a lot of companies thats about the right people hearing your voice.Tell them you’re happy as you are or reframe it as you are a really great listener and every team needs one of those. If you want to work on confidence there is an organisation that specialises in women’s confidence in the workplace (and that can be quiet confidence, absolutely doesn’t need to be loud) called upfront. Maybe take a look at their podcast weareupfront.com/podcast

👏🏼👏🏼

Your manager needs to be clearer and more constructive on the feedback they're giving.

If you're being quiet to the point where it's affecting performance (eg you're not sharing ideas with colleagues or it's hampering collaborative work, as hypothetical examples), then it's reasonable for a manager to set a target in this area and seek to support someone so that they can participate fully in meetings/collaborative work.

If it's a case of you're doing fine across all areas of work, but are naturally a quieter disposition then the managers and colleagues shouldn't be making endless comments about your personality, which is something largely done by loud/confident people towards others as nobody ever seems to tell the foghorns of the workplaces to shut up.

I describe myself as quietly confident, it's often mistaken as shyness but I'm not shy at all. I think it unnerves some people but others have said they listen more when I do speak, as I don't just speak for the sake of it.

It sounds like your colleagues are doing this from a good place, especially if they've noticed you struggling in meetings.

I like this quote.

I would ask for practical information so it's something you can work on or are at least aware of.

Definitely this. I don’t mind being told what to do by management. I cannot stand being told what to be. Most people haven’t a clue what constructive criticism looks like: hint - it doesn’t involve labelling, and it doesn’t involve nitpicking people’s gestures or accent or facial expressions.

Just as a way to test if they have anything useful to suggest, I’d be tempted to reply something like, ‘That’s interesting. What would you like me to do, in order to be more confident?’ If I was feeling really PA I might even suggest they show me what it looks like. If nothing else it tends to smoke out the bullies.

I've said this before on these kind of threads . I think you need to feel confident about who you are and what you offer as an individual. Similar comments have been made about me in several settings and so I've had to conclude there is something about me (not a horrible thing) that others take note of and see in me and rightly or wrongly comment on. I used to get upset and feel a bit bullied even though I knew my colleagues didn't intend that. I have found it more effective to acknowledge what it is about me they see, get in there first and its made me feel more confident about how I am perceived. Hope this makes sense.

I was always 'shy' although not at all timid.

As a 'smart' person I'm quite embarrassed that I didn't realise I might be on the autistic spectrum until I was in my mid-50s. It took a year for my diagnosis and I can't really say it's helped me much. But at least I've got a response for people commenting on my shyness and awkwardness.

I just tell them that I'm autistic and any help is really welcome, but comments and random suggestions that don't take my needs into account aren't.

No thank you, I don't want to go to a loud event with loads of people to 'being me out of myself' because that's not how it works.

But yes, I'd love to go for a quiet drink with two close and supportive colleagues.

Not saying this is the same but what I am thinking

There are 2 scenarios

1. We need you to ask more questions or supply more feedback so we know work is being done properly - ok maybe something there

1. We need you to be more going because it makes others feel they are being to loud and/or you stand out and we feel awkward - get lost you are the one with the issues not me

Or variations on the above

I too have been painfully shy previously, I have since learned to get past it and grown in so much confidence that the people in my current job would never know I was previously like that.

But I disagree with your way of thinking, and with the responses on here!

said how my quietness is ok as they want a diverse team - I see this as your manager supporting you to say its OK to be quiet and to not feel bad about it.

or how they don't want me to stop being quiet if that's who I am - again I see this as supporting you to just be you.

I dont see how any of this is bullying which has been suggested above! And this is all from someone who has struggled like you.

I find that nowadays in Britain anyone who is quiet and has an internal world, which often translates to meaning has a brain and intelligence and is slightly more serious, is considered to be autistic and told they have something wrong with them.

I can only repeat what I said about social totalitarianism and urge you to resist this trend for labels. Somehow Britain managed to fight and win two world wars without labelling half the population as somehow inadequate.

Ask if you can have a coach.

It's pointless this being raised with you if they aren't then going to support you.

A coach is someone you can work with to come up with strategies for these kind of situations.