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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum's new boyfriend

32 replies

RaginaPhalange · 27/02/2023 11:49

Bit of background first, my mum has been divorced feom my dad for about 7 years. She told me about 6 weeks ago she had met someone. My response was very chilled, i said something along the lines fair enough, happy for you. Asked a few general questions and all was fine.
A week or so later i asked her if she could watch my 2 boys for dh and i to have some time together for a night. She said ill see when im free and that was fine with us because we know how busy she is.

Fast forward to yesterday and she said she could watch the boys on friday night for us. I said thats great we messaged back a forwards for a while and then all of a sudden she says oh 'Bob' (new bf) might be here on friday. I said oh is he staying or what? She said he usually does but she told him she was babysitting. I spoke to dh about 'Bob' being there when shes watching the kids and we both agreed that we were uncomfortable with it as he is a stranger to us we have never even met him so i sent her a message:

'If youre going to watch them, i dont mean this in a bad way but we would rather he wasnt there. We dont know him. Hes a stranger to us. I hope you can understand that xx'

So aibu for requesting he is not there while she watches them overnight?

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 27/02/2023 11:52

So aibu for requesting he is not there while she watches them overnight?

Of course not, I wouldn't want him there at all, you know nothing about him. Nor does your mum.

Americano75 · 27/02/2023 11:53

She's only known him 6 weeks? Absolute no from me.

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 27/02/2023 11:55

YANBU to not want him there when your kids are, but you can’t tell her not to, so you have to be okay with the idea of alternative childcare or not going.

Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 27/02/2023 11:55

@Americano75 maybe more, she only told me about 6 weeks ago she met someone.

OP posts:
Americano75 · 27/02/2023 11:56

Ah, probably still quite early days though. I still wouldn't be that comfortable.

BestBeforeDatex · 27/02/2023 11:56

@FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks agreed

TheBeesKnee · 27/02/2023 11:57

YANBU. Most child abuse is carried out by someone known to the child.

I would cancel if I couldn't trust her to tell Bob she can't have him round.

Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 27/02/2023 11:57

@FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks oh the balls in her court, ive not had a reply back since sending the message. If she says he will be there then shes not watching the kids. Would very much rather not go out.

OP posts:
CloudPop · 27/02/2023 12:10

If you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable.

Saying that, I think it possibly would have been better addressed by speaking about it, rather than text

Boringcookingquestion · 27/02/2023 12:11

YANBU but I think you worded it badly.

It might have been better to write something like: ‘Thanks for offering to babysit but we’re not comfortable having someone we don’t know around the children when we’re not there. Don’t worry if you have already made plans to see your bf that night, we can always cancel and pop over to see you with the kids on .’

Then she could choose whether to offer not to have him there if she wanted without it being awkward.

beachcitygirl · 27/02/2023 12:12

I agree with your feelings 💯 but your delivery isn't great.
A convo with your mum saying you're not happy with the boys being around anyone you haven't met yet, & be fully accepting if she's made plans. I think you should apologise for your wording/tone

Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 27/02/2023 12:18

@Boringcookingquestion @beachcitygirl

Yes i probably did work it wrong. I also got dh to read it before i sent it because i can be very blunt. I will see her tomorrow as she collects them from nursery and school for us. And hoepfully we can sort something out.

OP posts:
Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 27/02/2023 12:18

*word

OP posts:
TryingHard1990 · 27/02/2023 12:21

Sorry Op another one who thinks it should have been a phone call. Think you need to maybe pop for a cuppa and chat it through.

JPG21 · 27/02/2023 13:06

YABVU but that wasn't a very nice message to send your mum, it could have been worded better. I'd give her a call if I were you.

JPG21 · 27/02/2023 13:06

Sorry sorry I meant to write YANBU!

Lkydfju · 27/02/2023 14:15

I agree with you; i wouldn’t have a person I don’t know staying over with my children

Napmum · 27/02/2023 14:20

I think you are right to say you'd prefer him to not be there when she is babysitting. As you have not met him. But it definitely could have been handled better. Might be worth saying to her, you can wait for another time thats better for her to babysit if it's an issue.

If she's upset, it might be worth asking I'd you can meet him soon. Once you've gotten to know him for himself, you might feel OK or you might not. Only time will tell.

CalistoNoSolo · 27/02/2023 14:23

Sounds like she does a lot of childcare for you, and while you're right to not want Bob around your children, you may well lose your go to babysitter by sending texts like that.

nc1013 · 27/02/2023 14:27

I totally understand you not wanting him to be there when he is a stranger to you and your dc. However, if your mum was already planning to see him and you've asked for a favour I think the alternative is for her to say it doesn't suit as she's seeing Bob.

If she's been divorced and mostly single for 7years it's her turn to do something for herself and put herself first. Good on her

VictorStrand · 27/02/2023 14:29

YANBU and I think your message was fine. Your DM will probably understand - now you've pointed it out - that it's too soon to have your DCs and her bf staying overnight at the same time.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 27/02/2023 14:32

Hmmmm, in future could you ask your mum to babysit at your house, rather than presuming her home will be guest free. It's a tricky one. We can't presume your mum will be devoted to childcare on your terms, if her terms don't suit you, find alternative childcare.

nc1013 · 27/02/2023 14:37

VictorStrand · 27/02/2023 14:29

YANBU and I think your message was fine. Your DM will probably understand - now you've pointed it out - that it's too soon to have your DCs and her bf staying overnight at the same time.

Yeah I think we all agree it's reasonable to not want the dc staying over when he's there after 6 weeks. But it's also reasonable for her DM to say her bf is going to be there - it is then up to OP to decide and if she's (understandably) uncomfortable then she needs to find an alternative babysitter.

It's not fair to expect her mums life to revolve around providing childcare for her. Sounds like she already does a lot with drop offs/pick ups etc

gooseduckchicken · 27/02/2023 14:37

While I agree with the sentiment of not wanting a stranger around your kids, I think your mum has a right to feel really hurt by that message.

You trust her to care for your children and do school runs but you don't trust that she would be wise enough not to leave Bob alone with the kids.

That message is telling her she has to choose between her relationship and her grandchildren.

If you're not comfortable with Bob being there, you should have told her you didn't need a babysitter any longer. She already told you that Bob would be there; why do you have the right to change her plans?

winelove · 27/02/2023 14:51

I think that is perfectly reasonable request.
If your mum is busy that is fair enough.
Choose another night when she is free.

Also maybe follow up with we would really like to get to meet him and suggest a drink or something. Not sure what you do with the kids, or you go round and meet him on your own.