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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH did this on purpose?

37 replies

DinnerThyme · 27/02/2023 11:26

I posted before about DH and I mentioned in that post about his laundry “system”.

In fairness to him, he does also do laundry and has some kind of "system" that I can't fathom where he puts different baskets depending on whether they're clean/dirty/wet/dry and then split by person...I don't understand his system so I don't touch it and leave him to it. It apparently works for him (except on the frequent occasions that he can't find anything, when he's not sure if a basket is clean or dirty and when wet baskets get forgotten about and need rewashing) so I don't micromanage that and just leave him to his chaos "system".

His “system” drives me nuts. A major issues appeared to be his assertion that getting clothes washed is “the most important part” meaning that once he’s put a wash on, he forgets to dry it. After me pointing out the issue with that (that clothes then need washing again because they sit in the machine or a basket for days on end) he began putting clothes in the tumble dryer to dry and also leaving the dehumidifier on next to an empty airer - costing us a small fortune. Last week, he set the tumble dryer on a timer to come on every single day at 9am. He’s cost us a ridiculous amount in energy and shrunk a load of clothing. I questioned multiple times why the dryer was on again. On Friday, after finding that he’d tumble dried a whole bunch of things that are now far too small to ever be worn again, I told him that he’s no longer allowed to use the tumble dryer at all unless we’ve discussed it (yes, I know that is unreasonable).

He then said that his “system” is the best/only/most efficient way to do laundry and that, if don’t like it, I should do the laundry and see if I can do better. So I did. Over the weekend, I got all the laundry washed, dried and put away. I found all the old baskets of stuff and sorted them. All that was left was to pair up socks (which I’d collated into one place) and I’d left one load of laundry drying on the airer.

Last night, DH “tried to move the airer” and he accidentally broke it. AIBU to think he’s sabotaging my system? And dear God when did my life become this pathetic? 😂

OP posts:
WTF99 · 27/02/2023 11:29

Just wash your own stuff and leave him to his chaos

CalistoNoSolo · 27/02/2023 11:29

How can you remain married to such an incompetent oaf?

Sparklfairy · 27/02/2023 11:30

I remember your other thread. I have to ask, why does he do the laundry? Not that I'm suggesting you should because you're a woman but because he makes such a bloody song and dance about it?

Does he do other stuff around the house or is laundry his main 'thing' so he makes it as dramatic, complicated and a long drawn out process as much as possible?

AmandaClare · 27/02/2023 11:31

Good grief, this sounds annoying. Laundry really isn't that complicated.

WandaWonder · 27/02/2023 11:31

I have a system and I do the laundry people have the choice to follow it or do their own

They follow mine, my husband has his cooking system he cooks most of the time so I follow his

We each do our jobs our own way so it works for us

Brazilagogo · 27/02/2023 11:31

Normally when someone doesn’t want to do a task they show incompetence but to break the airer so you can’t do it for him seems to mean something else. I would be having very strong words with my DP if he was to try either trick.

Bunnyishotandcross · 27/02/2023 11:33

My dh was banned many moons ago from washing. Except his own.

Your dh is costing you a lot of money op.

pointythings · 27/02/2023 11:47

Right, so he will be paying for a new airer, after which you will take over laundry and he will take on something similarly labour intensive to compensate. That's what's going to happen here, right?

UnattendedPotato · 27/02/2023 12:17

He's got an overly complicated system so that he "doesn't have time to do anything else" it's complete bullshit. And he needs to source a new working drying rack today out of his personal spends. Dufus!! It's very much strategic incompetence and one of the first indicators of fault in the mythical "no fault" divorce.

Original poster
DinnerThyme · 27/02/2023 13:01

Thanks all for the moral support. Unfortunately, funds are shared so the cost of a new airer and costs of a tumble dryer running non-stop are shared. Hence, why him doing his own laundry and leaving mine/DCs wouldn’t help masses because he’d just run the tumble dryer for his stuff (non-stop). I will continue to assume his “system” is a simple ploy to avoid laundry. We are already sorting food separately (although not due to his incompetence) so I have no real tasks to outsource. It is what it is, I’m just glad to have clothing right now.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 27/02/2023 13:05

every time my cousins husband got a speeding fine she used to pay herself from joint funds the same money as the fine to spend on herself. Perhaps you should go through bills and usage and joint funds pays you for NOT using the dryer. If you’re not both saving energy you may as well benefit somehow.
But I don’t feel very lighthearted about this stellar display of intentional incompetence, so might not get as far as neat systems to try and reward me for not being an utter fuckwit.

2ndTimeRound90 · 27/02/2023 13:32

This sounds so chaotic!! I don't pity you for having to put up with it.

Over here I mostly do the laundry but we have 3 dirty laundry baskets upstairs (lights/darks/red) and do one load a day of whichever is most full. Wet dirty stuff gets dumped on the tiled floor by the washing machine. I will only set the machine off if I'm available to hang it out on airer or line (or heated airer in winter) when its done as it goes musty after a couple of hours in the machine. How is he managing to make it so complicated! And why does it need sorted into people before washing?? Surely just do that after it's dry 🤷‍♀️

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 27/02/2023 13:39

Assuming you have a garden, get it out on an outdoor line everyday! The weather is getting better. I delay start my washing and it's ready for 7am to be hung out all day, unless rain is forecast during the morning.

Breaking the indoor airer would really upset me in your situation as you'd just got it all sorted!

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 13:54

The whole thing is clearly designed so he doesn't have to do any of it.

How on earth can you live with someone like that?

Swiftswatch · 27/02/2023 14:11

He then said that his “system” is the best/only/most efficient way to do laundry and that, if don’t like it, I should do the laundry and see if I can do better. So I did. Over the weekend, I got all the laundry washed, dried and put away. I found all the old baskets of stuff and sorted them. All that was left was to pair up socks (which I’d collated into one place) and I’d left one load of laundry drying on the airer.

You’re being a mug though. You seem to think you’re winning because he let you do all the laundry.

SavBlancTonight · 27/02/2023 14:16

I remember this and while I don't remember the exact details, I do remember that this man was a complete waste of space and it was not clear why you're facilitating any of his rubbish.

Stop trying to make it funny and a joke. It's not. You have major issues in your relationship and I really really feel for you, but trying to get solutions to the "laundry" is not going to help the bigger problems. Sorry.

SpookyBlackCat · 27/02/2023 14:18

How much laundry is there?

I don't think most households really need to do a load a day, so I prefer just doing it all on a Sunday, wash, dry and put away. It's so much easier for me. I don't think it's something that needs to be so complicated.

angelpoise · 27/02/2023 14:19

He sounds more like an annoying flatmate than a partner

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 14:21

DinnerThyme · 27/02/2023 13:01

Thanks all for the moral support. Unfortunately, funds are shared so the cost of a new airer and costs of a tumble dryer running non-stop are shared. Hence, why him doing his own laundry and leaving mine/DCs wouldn’t help masses because he’d just run the tumble dryer for his stuff (non-stop). I will continue to assume his “system” is a simple ploy to avoid laundry. We are already sorting food separately (although not due to his incompetence) so I have no real tasks to outsource. It is what it is, I’m just glad to have clothing right now.

How much do you enjoy his company OP?
Do you even like him anymore?

Separate food, separate laundry, sabotaging YOUR laundry efforts when his own prove unmanageable (for him - the strategically incompetent ...)
It seems like he has made himself quite unlikeable to live with.
How do you see this situation affecting you in the next year? 5 years? 10 years?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/02/2023 14:21

Does he clean at least?

Original poster
DinnerThyme · 27/02/2023 14:33

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 14:21

How much do you enjoy his company OP?
Do you even like him anymore?

Separate food, separate laundry, sabotaging YOUR laundry efforts when his own prove unmanageable (for him - the strategically incompetent ...)
It seems like he has made himself quite unlikeable to live with.
How do you see this situation affecting you in the next year? 5 years? 10 years?

Show quote history

I actually really like him, which is the problem. I often think about people who are in marriages of convenience where they aren’t in love but stay because it’s easy and convenient and life ticks through without any friction or aggravation. I’m in a marriage of inconvenience. I adore him, I love every inch of him and every hair on his head. We laugh a lot, he’s witty and smart and charming. He’s interesting. He encourages me to be a better version of myself and to achieve things that I wouldn’t otherwise have the confidence to attempt. He gets on well with my friends and family (in fact, he gets on well with everyone). He teaches me things - things that are useful but also things that are completely abstract but incredibly interesting. I can’t fault our sex life. He disarms me when I’m stressed and anxious. I really like him and I really enjoy him company. I just feel as though he works against me a lot of the time and I can’t seem to get him on side, and that’s exhausting. If we didn’t have to actually get anything done then our marriage would be perfect.

The not eating together is temporary. I’m dieting and breastfeeding. DD can’t have gluten or dairy so I, by extension, can’t either. DH is a massive, rugby-player beast of a man who eats a billion calories a day. It’s just not feasible to cook one meal that suits both our needs and that we would both actually enjoy eating. It just seemed to make more sense to separate that out.

OP posts:
TaRaDeBumDeAy · 27/02/2023 14:41

I have a system for laundry.

I put it in the washing machine. And once its done, hang it to dry. When its dry, I take it down and put it away.

I might stretch to sorting into darks, lights, colours, sometime broken down by colour depending on how much there is, but thats as far as it goes.

Hes a fucking idiot, to be quite frank.

Napmum · 27/02/2023 14:45

I can understand you banning the tumble dryer after that! If everything else is fine, then I would say maybe see if he can take over other areas of household chores and leave the laundry to you. If he's still arguing that his way is the eat, show him the bills from ruining the clothes and the electricity used.

He system probably would work if he stuck to it.

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 14:49

@DinnerThyme

How does he manage to play rugby when he's too stupid to work out clothes need to be dried?

SavBlancTonight · 27/02/2023 14:50

Based on your post above and your previous post, it seems to me that your ONLY option then is that you have to outsource a lot more of what happens at home. Becuase he is not going to change - he doesn't want to and while you don't seem to see this as a hugely disrespectful thing that makes your legs clamp shut (I would and mine would). So if you want this issue to go away, you'll have to pay someone to come and sort it out. So time to look into a cleaner/housekeeper who will do the cleaning, tidying and laundry while you continue to accept the mum-of-everyone role for yourself where you tell your DH when he should change a nappy or unload a dishwasher.

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