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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH did this on purpose?

37 replies

DinnerThyme · 27/02/2023 11:26

I posted before about DH and I mentioned in that post about his laundry “system”.

In fairness to him, he does also do laundry and has some kind of "system" that I can't fathom where he puts different baskets depending on whether they're clean/dirty/wet/dry and then split by person...I don't understand his system so I don't touch it and leave him to it. It apparently works for him (except on the frequent occasions that he can't find anything, when he's not sure if a basket is clean or dirty and when wet baskets get forgotten about and need rewashing) so I don't micromanage that and just leave him to his chaos "system".

His “system” drives me nuts. A major issues appeared to be his assertion that getting clothes washed is “the most important part” meaning that once he’s put a wash on, he forgets to dry it. After me pointing out the issue with that (that clothes then need washing again because they sit in the machine or a basket for days on end) he began putting clothes in the tumble dryer to dry and also leaving the dehumidifier on next to an empty airer - costing us a small fortune. Last week, he set the tumble dryer on a timer to come on every single day at 9am. He’s cost us a ridiculous amount in energy and shrunk a load of clothing. I questioned multiple times why the dryer was on again. On Friday, after finding that he’d tumble dried a whole bunch of things that are now far too small to ever be worn again, I told him that he’s no longer allowed to use the tumble dryer at all unless we’ve discussed it (yes, I know that is unreasonable).

He then said that his “system” is the best/only/most efficient way to do laundry and that, if don’t like it, I should do the laundry and see if I can do better. So I did. Over the weekend, I got all the laundry washed, dried and put away. I found all the old baskets of stuff and sorted them. All that was left was to pair up socks (which I’d collated into one place) and I’d left one load of laundry drying on the airer.

Last night, DH “tried to move the airer” and he accidentally broke it. AIBU to think he’s sabotaging my system? And dear God when did my life become this pathetic? 😂

OP posts:

Crumpledstilstkin · 27/02/2023 14:51

Oh dear, mine's like this too. Wonderful in every way apart from the one specific way which causes every single one of our arguments (it's sport) and the laundry. I think it's the price you pay for having someone who complements you rather than someone who thinks like you but it is infuriating.

SavBlancTonight · 27/02/2023 14:51

I'm really sorry OP. I just reread my last post and I sound really mean. I don't mean to be horrible to you. I just don't understand how you live like this with someone who is so incompetent and unable to behave like an adult. But if you love him, then that's up to you - each to their own after all - you just have to find a way to make it work because as I said, he will not change.

Beccarecca · 27/02/2023 15:00

I've no idea whether your situation is similar but my DH is autistic. He does the laundry and has some kind of dysfunctional "system" that I just let him crack on with most of the time. I only intervene if I need school uniforms done quicker than his system allows or the like. He struggles to recognise when other household tasks need completing and so he sticks with laundry and the dishwasher which need doing daily to free up my time to do other tasks. Don't get me wrong he will hoover, cook, clean etc but I need to ask him to so by having the laundry and the dishwasher done he's played a part without needing to be asked. His "systems" used to infuriate me but over 12 years I've learnt to let it go and be thankful he's being useful in his own way 😊

Duckingella · 27/02/2023 15:38

Sounds like weaponised incompetence to me;if he wastes enough energy/money and is annoying you with his rubbish system then maybe you'll start doing his washing again for him!

Notsurewhattothinkaboutit · 27/02/2023 16:06

DinnerThyme · 27/02/2023 14:33

I actually really like him, which is the problem. I often think about people who are in marriages of convenience where they aren’t in love but stay because it’s easy and convenient and life ticks through without any friction or aggravation. I’m in a marriage of inconvenience. I adore him, I love every inch of him and every hair on his head. We laugh a lot, he’s witty and smart and charming. He’s interesting. He encourages me to be a better version of myself and to achieve things that I wouldn’t otherwise have the confidence to attempt. He gets on well with my friends and family (in fact, he gets on well with everyone). He teaches me things - things that are useful but also things that are completely abstract but incredibly interesting. I can’t fault our sex life. He disarms me when I’m stressed and anxious. I really like him and I really enjoy him company. I just feel as though he works against me a lot of the time and I can’t seem to get him on side, and that’s exhausting. If we didn’t have to actually get anything done then our marriage would be perfect.

The not eating together is temporary. I’m dieting and breastfeeding. DD can’t have gluten or dairy so I, by extension, can’t either. DH is a massive, rugby-player beast of a man who eats a billion calories a day. It’s just not feasible to cook one meal that suits both our needs and that we would both actually enjoy eating. It just seemed to make more sense to separate that out.

Show quote history

Well, I couldn’t cope with someone that strategically shit at things but you seem not to mind, so that’s good I guess.

InattentiveADHD · 27/02/2023 19:54

Beccarecca · 27/02/2023 15:00

I was about to say that it sounds very much like one of my "systems" and I have ADHD. I find washing particularly challenging.

It's a lot of sorting and organising and the task has multiple stages (sorting, washing, drying (tumble or airer), ironing (I minimise this but some things just need ironing), putting away, and of course then the there's a few bits that need hand washing) with big gaps in between each stage.

Lots of potential for distraction, loss of interest, inability to start the next stage, forgetting about one or more stages altogether etc etc. I have baskets and piles of clean and dirty washing everywhere. Can't seem to get a handle on it at all.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 27/02/2023 20:04

You do the laundry, he does something else! Easy really. I’m horrible at paperwork so DH pays bills. He’s horrible at meal planning so I do it. It sounds like you have a great marriage otherwise (complicated meal schedule aside), so enjoy it!

Pinkypurplecloud · 27/02/2023 20:25

Left field suggestion - if you have all these endless baskets and piles of clothes, have you considered that you have too many clothes? I found laundry was actually easier when we had far less stuff, so leaving stuff for ages mouldering in baskets simply wasn’t an option.

Got to say though, a grown man (unless neurodivergent) who makes quite such a meal out of something so mundane my six year old does it really wouldn’t be attractive to me.

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 20:45

So. Triggered. Right. Now.

But in the best way. He sounds glorious! Completely crackers but wonderful.

What the actual fuck is he doing? I mean, we all have a laundry system, sure. I have five different types of loads done at 40deg followed by spin/dry cycles (the same day, obvs) and then left to finish drying on the airer. Then two more delicate ones that get a 30deg wash/spin and then hung up to air dry.

So I get having different loads but you separate by colour and how much washing they need/can take, surely?!

I get the forgetting to dry thing though. I realised I might want to ask about ADHD when I had to wash the same load of washing nine times over eleven days. I just…forgot about the washing machine. And by the time I remembered to put them on a dry cycle again, they were smelly enough to need washing again. And it was nowhere near the first time!

He sounds fabulous but, erm…is his ability to plan and execute tasks in the right order often this chaotic? Cos, it sounds a little bit like an executive functioning disorder (and I say this as someone who has SO much fun with hers 😂).

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 20:46

Shoot - though, I’ve just remembered, I need to hang the washing up 😂 (I’m not even joking!)

Couldyounot · 27/02/2023 20:48

I bet this eejit also has a "system" for wiping his arse which leaves the toilet blocked and skiddy pants everywhere. Do you really want to put up with this, OP?

FictionalCharacter · 27/02/2023 21:08

It’s great that you find him so lovely that you’re willing to put up with this idiocy.
But putting the tumble dryer on a timer to come on every single day at 9am is one of the most bonkers things I’ve heard. That’s….. not how tumble dryers work, ever. How did he do it? Did he actually plug it in to an external timer and go to the trouble of programming the timer to come on every morning, because reasons? When you asked him about it, what did he say to explain it?
I don’t spend a lot on clothes and I have some favourite “vintage” items which I couldn’t replace. If DH shrink them to death in the tumble dryer I’d be really, really upset. I wouldn’t be all 😂 about it.
If this was an older person everyone would be saying it’s dementia!
Does he work? I can’t imagine anyone being so mindblowingly incompetent at work and keeping their job for more than 2 days. Or does he save this lunacy for home? 🤔

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