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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stand up for DD?

33 replies

Itslookinggood · 26/02/2023 20:28

Just got off plane with DD (17). We were a bit late arriving, and large man opposite pushed into the aisle, put on backpack and pushed DD, who was standing, right back against her seat, backpack in her face.

I saw DD pinned to her seat and told her to ask the man to move. She wouldn't, so I tapped him on the arm, and politely pointed out what he was doing. He apologised and moved.

DD furious with me. I had overstepped, in her view. In mine, she was being a wet blanket & should have been more assertive.

So WIBU to step forward and intervene? Back story is that DD is a real people pleaser and I do find it frustrating.

OP posts:
ourflagmeansdeath · 26/02/2023 20:31

I don't think you were being unreasonable for helping her out at all, but I think in future best to let her be. I understand wanting to avoid awkward situations sometimes and she is 17, so not really a child anymore. I think she's being a bit ridiculous for being annoyed at you, but then again I'm an introvert and would probably do the same thing of just letting the situation be.

Totally get you find it frustrating but you can't really change the way she is.

FictionalCharacter · 26/02/2023 20:31

Yanbu, but it’s not good that she was furious. She’ll have a hard time in life if she’s determined to be a doormat.

DiddyHeck · 26/02/2023 20:33

Quite clearly and obviously you weren't being unreasonable

But on the subject of 'wet blankets', why are you looking to strangers to reassure you that you did the right thing?

He didn't realise the backpack was bothering her, you politely told him it was, he politely moved.

Why are you even still thinking about this non event after it happened?

Onnabugeisha · 26/02/2023 20:35

DD didn’t want to be stood up for though. It wasn’t your decision. Instead of telling her do this, do that, don’t be a wet blanket, doormat, people pleaser (which are some pretty contemptuous things to say about your DD) you should have asked her if she is ok and only if she asked you to, then asked the man to move.

Shes 17 not 7. You have to treat her more like another adult.

UWhatNow · 26/02/2023 20:37

My dd21, who can be perfectly assertive herself is very sensitive to me complaining and will say ‘don’t be a Karen mum’ if she even sees me frowning… I think they’re worried about any potential backlash too. It’s just all insidious silencing of women - the culture is considered to be against you if you get too ‘uppity’ and young women are particularly sensitive.

Original poster
Itslookinggood · 26/02/2023 20:43

I'm not looking for reassurance, I genuinely wonder if IWBU or not, since she is so annoyed.

I am 52 and his behaviour just said everyday sexism to me. Something my generation has fought very hard against.

I do get frustrated when I see DD being a people pleaser and not standing up for herself. I have no framework for good parenting myself, so just trying to do the right thing.

I hear you that in future I should probably just let her be, though Blush

OP posts:
DPotter · 26/02/2023 20:59

There's another thread this evening about a woman being harassed at a petrol station, saying no one supported her whilst a man was verbal abusive to her.

I think you did exactly the right thing - whether you frame it as good parenting is up to you. I think you need to explain to your DD that you would defend anyone, especially a woman, who has been on the receiving end of at minimum thoughtless behaviour. I like to think of it as middle aged / older woman's super power. You're showing her that such a challenge can be artfully and successfully executed - keep it going!

ThepicofmyhairymingeprovesIamsober · 26/02/2023 21:09

You calling your DD a wet blanket is every bit as demeaning as a ‘large’ bloke accidentally getting his rucksack in her face. If you want to build self confidence in your DD stop calling her names!

Original poster
Itslookinggood · 26/02/2023 21:11

I did not call her a wet blanket. I would never say that to her. But I did think it.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 26/02/2023 21:13

Itslookinggood · 26/02/2023 20:28

Just got off plane with DD (17). We were a bit late arriving, and large man opposite pushed into the aisle, put on backpack and pushed DD, who was standing, right back against her seat, backpack in her face.

I saw DD pinned to her seat and told her to ask the man to move. She wouldn't, so I tapped him on the arm, and politely pointed out what he was doing. He apologised and moved.

DD furious with me. I had overstepped, in her view. In mine, she was being a wet blanket & should have been more assertive.

So WIBU to step forward and intervene? Back story is that DD is a real people pleaser and I do find it frustrating.

You were unreasonable to override your daughter's wishes. I'd be furious. She really didn't want to make a fuss. She definitely didn't want you acting on her behalf. She didn't need protecting or defending.
You've essentially told her her feelings are invalid. You've done much worse than Mr Careless

WandaWonder · 26/02/2023 21:15

It is up to her how it was handled, if she was a baby of course you should step in

lailamaria · 26/02/2023 21:19

all you did was make her feel embarrassed, it's not up to you to judge how she approaches conflict 'my generation fought very hard against sexism' you're hardly a suffragette every generation of women has fought against sexism, she's 17 i wouldn't want to engage in conflict with an adult man either, she could have ended up being sworn at or spit on, it doesn't matter if you were there or not, she didn't ask for your help she's 17 not 7

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 26/02/2023 21:53

My DDs are 2-3 years older. They get SO cross with me for ‘making a fuss’.

Yesterday we were at a museum and I didn’t notice exhortation price of a piece of lemon drizzle cake until I purchased it. I declared to DD2 that if it wasn’t a fresh slice I would be returning it.

The level of disgust DD2 has for that comment!!

Thankfully the cake was nice enough so I didn’t need to take further action.
I was thinking I was a wimp for buying it once presented with the bill and not telling them to put it back at that price. But I would have acted if it wasn’t good quality.

I am hoping they grow out of it by mid twenties..

Original poster
Itslookinggood · 26/02/2023 22:15

Hmm a real mix of views.

Thanks all. I will try to step back next time.

Tiger mother in me took over. But it's heartening to hear that some of you have experienced similar.

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 26/02/2023 22:32

I would've done same as you OP. Your DD has reacted to you out of that dreaded teenage embarrassment. She'd rather be squished than "cause a scene"
I think you were setting a good example . Someone invading her space is not something she needs to put up with and that using her voice is actually acceptable. Lack of confidence is such a curse for young women isn't it?

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 26/02/2023 22:48

My dd would act the same

It's a teen 17 to thing.

Meloncholie · 26/02/2023 22:53

DiddyHeck · 26/02/2023 20:33

Quite clearly and obviously you weren't being unreasonable

But on the subject of 'wet blankets', why are you looking to strangers to reassure you that you did the right thing?

He didn't realise the backpack was bothering her, you politely told him it was, he politely moved.

Why are you even still thinking about this non event after it happened?

This

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/02/2023 23:35

The thing is , by overstepping and always telling/showing her that she is wrong /why she is wrong, you're not teaching her to stand up for herself and speak up. It's just extra (even if only implied) criticism and pressure to conform to someone else's rules/standards.

Doormatnomore · 26/02/2023 23:47

I have no problem being assertive and neither does my dm BUT we have totally different ideas about when to use it. Anyone walks in front of her to get through a door is going to get a speech about her not being invisible, I don’t care as long as we’re moving. Someone is rude is going to get a “who do you think you’re talking to?” from me, which makes mum want to curl up and die. It’s all about perceptions, one persons assertive is another’s making a scene, at 17 unless something is actually dangerous I think she probably gets to decide for herself.

GothicViolence · 27/02/2023 00:04

I wonder if your daughter is a “wet blanket” because she’s had a lifetime of dealing with situations caused by you being “assertive” over complete non-issues like the one in your OP

UWhatNow · 27/02/2023 00:14

GothicViolence · 27/02/2023 00:04

I wonder if your daughter is a “wet blanket” because she’s had a lifetime of dealing with situations caused by you being “assertive” over complete non-issues like the one in your OP

It wasn’t a non issue. Some thoughtless oaf was forcing the dd back uncomfortably into a seat with his big backpack.

I don’t think many older women would’ve passively stood by and let their dd endure that. Just because her dd is 17 and old enough to speak for herself, doesn’t mean she has the confidence and life experience to let blokes know they’re being inconsiderate.

There was a thread on MN just the other day about men expecting to take up the room on a pavement and expecting women to automatically make way. So many posters commented how oblivious they were to this male entitlement as young women but how infuriated they were with it once they were older and wiser…

Sarahcoggles · 27/02/2023 00:18

Both my teens (17 and 13) beg me to never ever ever say anything in the face of unfair treatment. It drives me mad. But apparently it's really embarrassing.

GothicViolence · 27/02/2023 00:22

Sarahcoggles · 27/02/2023 00:18

Both my teens (17 and 13) beg me to never ever ever say anything in the face of unfair treatment. It drives me mad. But apparently it's really embarrassing.

It’s quite interesting that the common opinion on mumsnet is that millennials and gen Z are “snowflakes” “entitled” etc, but at the sametime are also “wet blankets” for not immediately getting aerated about the same trivia that their mothers do. Which one is it guys?

Summerfun54321 · 27/02/2023 00:45

Your job as a parent isn't to save your child from embarrassment. It's to model behaviour you want to see. And if you want to see her sticking up for herself then keep doing what you are doing.

Sarahcoggles · 27/02/2023 00:45

@GothicViolence I can't speak for others, but my kids are of an age to talk about "Karens" (which I hate), and they think that any middle aged woman making a fuss is just embarrassing.

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