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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stand up for DD?

33 replies

Itslookinggood · 26/02/2023 20:28

Just got off plane with DD (17). We were a bit late arriving, and large man opposite pushed into the aisle, put on backpack and pushed DD, who was standing, right back against her seat, backpack in her face.

I saw DD pinned to her seat and told her to ask the man to move. She wouldn't, so I tapped him on the arm, and politely pointed out what he was doing. He apologised and moved.

DD furious with me. I had overstepped, in her view. In mine, she was being a wet blanket & should have been more assertive.

So WIBU to step forward and intervene? Back story is that DD is a real people pleaser and I do find it frustrating.

OP posts:

GothicViolence · 27/02/2023 02:06

Summerfun54321 · 27/02/2023 00:45

Your job as a parent isn't to save your child from embarrassment. It's to model behaviour you want to see. And if you want to see her sticking up for herself then keep doing what you are doing.

Do you ever see the endless threads on here by 50 something middle managers that are peeved their younger reports are sticking up for themselves lol

user1492757084 · 27/02/2023 03:41

Small first world issue. Man did not mean it. Daughter was not that impeeded so chose to put up with it for a few minutes. You tried to be helpful to DD, though you had asked and she had said - it's fine. You should have listened to DD. She is allowed to have her voice and to have it respected. Let her practise her power and speak for herself - she will not always assess things like you.
Shake hands and move on. DD reacted like I would have. I am not a pushover and I would have alerted man had I not been able to tolerate situation.

Onnabugeisha · 27/02/2023 11:34

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/02/2023 23:35

The thing is , by overstepping and always telling/showing her that she is wrong /why she is wrong, you're not teaching her to stand up for herself and speak up. It's just extra (even if only implied) criticism and pressure to conform to someone else's rules/standards.

Exactly this OP and even though you aren’t calling her a wet blanket, push over, people please to her face, it’s most probably very evident that you hold this contempt for her decisions and why you bulldoze her & overrule her when she says no.

AmandaClare · 27/02/2023 11:42

People with backpacks are almost always completely unaware of their impact on others. Don't think it's a M/F thing.

I think you did overstep. Your daughter is her own person and can choose for herself how to react to things like this. I also think it's very easy to forget how one was oneself at a particular age- you think that 17yo you would have reacted differently but you have no way of knowing this as you see your past self through the prism of your present self.

If you want your daughter to develop confidence, stop overriding her decisions.

BleepBipBoop · 27/02/2023 12:27

DiddyHeck · 26/02/2023 20:33

Quite clearly and obviously you weren't being unreasonable

But on the subject of 'wet blankets', why are you looking to strangers to reassure you that you did the right thing?

He didn't realise the backpack was bothering her, you politely told him it was, he politely moved.

Why are you even still thinking about this non event after it happened?

She’s thinking about it because her daughter is furious with her. Asking strangers for their opinions about interpersonal situations is literally the reason why AIBU exists.

BleepBipBoop · 27/02/2023 12:46

Sarahcoggles · 27/02/2023 00:18

Both my teens (17 and 13) beg me to never ever ever say anything in the face of unfair treatment. It drives me mad. But apparently it's really embarrassing.

Are you talking about the two posters who have discussed their own children? I haven’t seen anyone claim the “wet blanket” thing applies any more widely than that. But even if someone did we all know obviously that these are generalizations and don’t apply to every single person born in the same few decades. None of us has enough evidence to make objective statements about an entire generation of people but the human brain craves patterns and categories. People form their opinion based on their own limited experience and worldview, then it is amplified by social and mainstream media so it becomes “a thing” and other people are more likely to notice examples that confirm it. It’s silly enough when it’s widespread but you are trying to argue with what appears to be two individual strangers about something they didn’t even say.

ThepicofmyhairymingeprovesIamsober · 27/02/2023 13:35

Itslookinggood · 26/02/2023 21:11

I did not call her a wet blanket. I would never say that to her. But I did think it.

Oh she knows you think it, don’t you worry about that. Have a quiet (non judgmental) word with your DD about assertiveness at home by all means, but do not show her up in public, she will hate you for it.

UdoU · 27/02/2023 13:57